I Do Regret Nothing
by Eruhel
Summary: Yohio-fic [Yohiction]! Trixie has gone through many things and even his boss offered her to play his son's girlfriend for a while. But what if she hates men and he's homosexual? Sooner or later they begin to have tender feelings towards each other and they learn one of the biggest truths in life: Beware what you lie, it might become true.
1. 1 - Sweet Ignorance

Chapter One: Sweet Ignorance

**Dear Diary!**

It's the 3rd of June, 2013, and tomorrow it'll be my birthday. I just don't know how people usually keep diaries but I'll try to write something each day...

Mom has just told me that in two weeks time we'll move abroad. Just one year before I would be able to take my final exams. Genius...Why couldn't she wait one more year? I just can't imagine...

**4****th**** June, 2013.**

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Mom told me that I should say goodbye to my old friends. On my birthday. Does she want me – and everybody else – to CRY today?!

Back from school. I told all of my friends – and to my boyfriend – that they wouldn't meet me for some years. My friends weren't happy about it but they wanted to stay my friends. But not did my boyfriend. He said that he didn't love me anyway. Nice breaking up... Later one friend of ours told me that he has cheated on me. Thanks God. It didn't end because of me.

Tara has just called me to go out with her to the town.

Woaah, it was the best birthday of mine EVER! We were just shopping while Mom and the guys were making a surprise-party for me! In the end we didn't buy anything and we just walked home sadly. But when I entered they started singing _Happy birthday to you..._ and I was so happy about it! I love them all!

They said as school ended in one and a half week it was my farewell-party too. I'll miss them so much! Where can I find as great friends as they are?

**5****th**** June, 2013.**

I have an idea about the place where we'll go. I think it's Sweden. Partly because it just came into my mind that Mom was born there. Her parents moved there a long time ago and they came back when she was 16 and I also had the citizenship although I had never been there. And partly because I have found some air-tickets in mom's bedside table.

**13****th**** June, 2013.**

OMG, I didn't have time to write anything, I had a huge amount of things to do. Tests, tests and more tests had been waiting for me but now I had finished with them. Tomorrow we're going to the capital and – as I have thought – we're going to Sweden.

I have argued with my friends in the last two weeks so we're not friends at all now. I'll make a new fb account, I'm sure.

I still have many things to do so I don't really think I'll be able to write.

**14****th**** June, 2013.**

FUCK THIS SHIT! We had just arrived when my mother told me that she wanted to introduce me somebody. We got into a taxi and went to a big apartment-house, then got off and went to the sixth floor ON FOOT (!), and entered the flat that was the furthest. A man was waiting for us – mom's school-love. His name's Peter and he'll be my next father! Dad has just died three months ago and SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED?! I just can't calm down! And no, I don't have any problem with him just with her. I still mourn my father and at the end of this summer she, HIS WIFE will turn black into white.

**20****th**** June, 2013.**

I'm getting used to the fact that I'll have a new father when suddenly he enters my room and tells me that if I want to buy something in the summer I'll have to work for my money, he won't pay anything for me. Great father.

**21****st**** June, 2013.**

Today I still don't have any idea what I should work because I can't speak Swedish. My school will be a bilingual one so I'll learn everything in English except the ones of which I'll take my final exams later.

OMG, I haven't written down where we have moved. The town is called Sundsvall I think.

**23****rd**** June, 2013.**

Still have no idea about work. Peter told me that I should go to the McDonald's but I don't think it would be a good idea because I still can't speak Swedish. Mom has already told me how to say _hello, thank you, good morning _and_ goodbye_, but I don't remember.

**24****th**** June, 2013.**

I went to a shop in the mall and I have found a LOVELY and COOL Gothloli dress but I had no money to buy. I have to find a job asap.

**26****th**** June, 2013.**

I think I should write dialogues down if something interesting happens, for example if I meet a cute guy...

**30****th**** June, 2013.**

At breakfast I thought I should ask Peter something:

– Peter...

– Uhm? – he asked while biting one of the toast which was full of marmalade.

– Do you think I could work not directly with people? And what?

– Well, I work at the pound but we're full.

And so we continued eating. We had nearly finished when Mom came up with an idea.

– You should do babysitting! I remember, your little cousins were always over the moon when they met you. What do you think, darling?

– I totally agree with you. If little children like her she should work with them. We shall check the newspapers and make a piece of advertising... where the hell the news are? They're always on a place where they aren't needed! Here the paper is... hmm... Babysitter needed. May I call them?

– Of course – I hugged him.

The man told Peter that he wanted to meet me in a small café near our neighborhood. Today he had no time but tomorrow we would meet. Of course I'm not the only person for this job, so give my BEST! Yeah, I have a possibility for work!

**1****st**** July, 2013.**

It's Monday, today I'll meet the man called Tommy. It's the only thing I know about him and that he lives in Sundsvall.

At two o'clock I left to the place where I was meeting Tommy. In twenty minutes time I got there and I was waiting ten more minutes for him. He came with a new black Volvo and parked the car and sat down outside. He was wearing red T-shirt and blue jeans. He sat down and asked for a Schweppes and for a Coca Cola. That was the sign that it would be him so I went there.

– Excuse me, are you Tommy?

– Yes, I am. You must be the girl who comes from Hungary and speaks no Swedish – he smiled.

– You're right. My name's Beatrix Bíró. Nice to meet you.

– Nice to meet you too. Can I ask how old you exactly are?

– I became eighteen a month ago.

– Then happy birthday.

– Thanks – I smiled.

– Have you worked with children yet?

– Not yet, but I have small cousins.

– Do you usually play with them?

– I used to do when I lived in Hungary, of course. I loved those moments!

– Do you prefer boys or girls?

– I prefer boyish things and games but I have realized that they are more vain and shy than girls.

– What kind of music do you like?

– I like children's songs and cartoons...

– Really? – he frowned.

– Yes.

– But... what kind of music do you listen to when you for example go to school?

– Basely melodic metal.

– Hm. Do you know me?

– No? – I asked back uncertainly.

He took a picture out of his wallet.

– Do you know this person?

– No, I haven't seen _this person_ ever.

– You got the job.

– Really? – I asked surprised; couldn't believe my ears.

– Yes.

– Oh, thank you! – I looked at him thankfully.

– Here's our address, tomorrow at half past eight I want to see you at the door.

– I'll be there, I promise!

I came home happily and when I got here I was shouting _Mom, Peter, I got the job!_ They were happy to see me happy.

– Was he a nice guy? – Mom asked.

– Yes, and as I could see he was a rocker.

– Oh, really?

– Where does he live? – Peter asked.

– Here – I gave him the paper.

– Ok, tomorrow morning I'll take you there but watch the way because later you'll go and come alone on foot. It's not too far away.

So now I'm so happy! In some weeks I'll be able to buy the dress I'd love to! And I'll know some people from here...

**2****nd**** July, 2013.**

I couldn't sleep at night so I decided to write something into my diary. Mainly that I can't sleep because I'm looking forward to go to Tommy's house.

It's six o'clock. Now I'm going for a shower and then I'll to eat something for breakfast.

OMG, they were so friendly! Both the child called Emily and her mother, Amalia. I got there twenty past eight and Tommy introduced me to everyone. Emily couldn't speak English but as I've been here for a while I could explain her easy words and I could use body-language too. We were playing all day and watched cartoons – with English subscribe for me.

Oh, I just loved this day! The parents came home at six o'clock. Emily was absolutely happy to see them but Tommy told me that she had enjoyed the time we spent together.

**2****nd**** August, 2013.**

Much time had been passed away since I last wrote something into my _Dear Diary!_ I usually got home late and just fell into my bed, but today Tommy decided to send me home at two because he wanted to spend some time with his daughter. He gave me some of my salary but as it was a bit strange for me I asked:

– Don't you want me to work here anymore?

– No, don't even think about this! Emily loves you as her elder sister! It just got into my ears that you want to buy a dress – and as I could see you would need a pair of new boots too. So Amalia and I have decided to give you the money you need.

I have nearly hugged him when he continued:

– And we'll go on a holiday next week and Amalia wants to spend some time with me. In this month we have known you as a lovely friendly and straight lady – _lady, I_ – and also Emily asked me for this, so...

Amalia just entered. She asked something from her husband and after his answer she turned to me:

– So we want to ask you to come with us to Hungary. You speak the language so you could translate...

I was on the verge of fainting and also over the moon. _Of course I'll go!_

– We have decided to visit your country because of you. We haven't heard much about it before you came into our life but we became interested in. We don't know much about the people from there...

– But they seem to be very hospital and friendly based on you – smiled Amalia.

– They are told to be – I answered.

– So will you come? – Tommy asked.

– I have to talk about it with my Mom I think. I don't want her to worry about me but I think I will.

– Okay, we'll leave this Sunday. Just call me about your decision – Tommy said at the end.

I got home with an enormous smile on my face. Mom and Peter asked me about the topic of my happiness – they didn't have to tell me twice to tell them everything.

By some time I have known who Tommy Rehn was: a famous musician from the bands Corroded and Angtoria. I trusted him.

– So do you want to go? – Mom asked.

– Yes, I would love to!

– You're over eighteen, so you're adult, you have to decide about your businesses but take care of yourself.

– I will I promise! Anyway – I continued – have you found a job yet?

– No, but I'm working on it. Don't be afraid, darling.

– I'm not afraid, I just don't want to talk about myself all the time – I said and kissed her right cheek before going to my room.

**3****rd**** August, 2013.**

I went back to the shop I had been to a month ago. There was only one left of the dress I wanted to buy but that was my size and fitted me like gloves, so I bought it. Talking about gloves... I have found a pair of lace gloves, a corset and a pair of knee-high boots. The money that I received was enough to buy all of these.

But now I have to find all of my clothes I want to take with myself...

Oh, it's nine o'clock, and I haven't called Tommy yet!

OK, done. I'm glad and satisfied now. But thinking it over... I'm going home but I don't know where... ooo, I won't be stressed about it! Things will happen as they have to!

**4****th**** August, 2013.**

Fortunately, I got to the airport in time. We got on the plane and some hours later we landed in Budapest. My _beloved_ airport. I hate everything that connects me to my previous life. OK, I'm proud to be Hungarian, I'm just not proud of many other people being Hungarians as well. And now – I'm at home again.

On the plane I searched for a place where we could rent a car for a week; we went there by bus. Tommy wanted to speak to the man alone – he said he thought that he wouldn't need my help this time. The man told him a horrible price for renting a car – we could rent a car for that price in Sweden but when Tommy was about paying I began talking in Hungarian:

– Listen, I don't think that prices have been raised in a month time here...

He stood in front of me and stared at me like he hadn't seen white man before.

– I... I'm terribly sorry, Miss, I... I didn't know... I... I just thought...

– That foreigners are for fucking them over? Nice.

He told me a much lower price and we began our three-hours-long journey to Lake Balaton on the motorway.

– Well, I'm terribly sorry for the incident. Some of my compatriots are just like this. Of course I'm not so proud of them...

– Don't worry, there are people in Sweden like him as well – Amalia answered.

– Oh, no, traffic jam – again – I hit my forehead and moved my palm down slowly. – The third in an hour time.

– Don't worry about it... – Tommy started to say.

– In Hungary there are much traffic jams, standing in queues... partly that's why we are so impatient... And without _this_ – I pointed out of the car with my head – we would be there by now.

– Oh, really?

– Yes, and now we can be happy that we've come in the late afternoon – the roads are stopped here between I think nine and six – because of the traffic of course.

We arrived to our hotel in peace and quiet and checked in at eight, then took the _sleeping beauty_ to her bed and I went to my own room to have a big sleep. I have to get up at eight next morning – I still have to look after her on our holiday too.

**5****th**** August, 2013.**

I couldn't sleep so I decided to write something here. It's just six o'clock and I'm awake now. Great.

I have checked for free WiFi and I could find! I took my sea blue netbook – named Arwen – with me so I have decided to make that new facebook account now. I uploaded those photos from my previous one which were newer and weren't connected to places and people. I also joined the groups I was in before – and where there were no people I have met, we just have had the same interests – and I added those "old" friends who I have never met but loved talking to.

But now I'm going for making a real person of myself and so I won't look like a zombie.

I've just realized that we're at the Golden Beach in one of the most expensive hotel! Google helped a lot! Ty! ;)

OMG, swimming all day with this wonderful girl is a very hard work to do! Respect goes for all who grows at least one child.

I talked with Mom some minutes ago on Skype and told her that I was OK.

**6****th**** August, 2013.**

I slept like a log at night. Nothing other interesting has happened so far.

Oh, no! Amalia has told me that school would begin in two weeks, on the 19th of August. We have talked about school system and it's so... different. They go to primary school from the age 7 to 16 and secondary school isn't even compulsory! That's soo strange. So I'll go to a primary school's last class to be able to take final exams.

I've asked her about the school I'll frequent and she told me that it was the best choice we were able to make. She said that she knew somebody who had studied there. And I was pretty happy that it really was a bilingual school because I... let's say didn't really speak Swedish. We could say I spoke none.

**7****th**** August, 2013.**

They've tasted some original Hungarian food like gulyás, fish soup and lángos (a type of pasta fried in oil spread with garlic and sour cream)... Emily for example didn't like garlic but ate everything – I mean food – we gave her so I calmed down that she wasn't a vampire! J

**9****th**** August, 2013.**

Yesterday I had no energy to write but today they had a family program with me to translate. We went to the "high" Balaton Uplands and visited a castle which isn't actually a real castle it's more a piece of remains. We could see some idiot Hungarians _playing_ with weapons and I somehow translated them. Then a man wanted to take me with him to try out one of the weapons – it was a part of the show – but I could explain him that I had to translate for this nice Swedish family.

Then we went to Tapolca to the Lake Cave. I've been here before so I told Emily not to be afraid of anything. While boating there I was chatting with Amalia and – I think – we became friends.

**10****th**** August, 2013.**

It's our last day here, tomorrow morning we're leaving. We've planned swimming and sunbathing. The level of the lake was high so somebody always had to look after Emily – usually it was me.

Oh, heyo, I can hear she has just woken up. I think I'll have to take her to the beach after checking the level of sun milk on her body...

OOOOO! I'm so happy that we'll go home next day! I had met somebody – actually TWO people – whom I didn't want... Here the story is: I took the girl down to the beach to her parents and I went for a walk on the promenade. I started walking back after some time and I was about to reach my second family – the _Rehns_ – when I could hear a familiar voice saying _I love you_ so I immediately turned back:

– Ivor?

He was my ex. I was sure I heard him. And there I saw him stupidly smiling at me, holding my best friend's, Tara's hand:

– He... hello – he began in Hungarian. – I haven't seen you so far...

I was about shouting but I could keep it for myself.

– Didn't you tell me that... you would live in Sweden? – Tara asked. – What are you doing here? Did... did you lie to us?

I couldn't keep it inside anymore. It broke out from me:

– Who lies here? Because it's not me! Tara, you were my best friend! I told you everything! You knew how I felt when... when... And you?! I gave you my... everything! I gave you my heart, I gave you my VIRGINITY! And what do you do now? You fuck my... Argh! Go 'da HELL, guys!

I was about to hit them when Tommy appeared.

– Hey girl, calm down! – He saw that I was on the verge of crying so he continued. – Just come with me and tell me everything.

I followed him like a ghost. The whole beach was staring at me but I didn't really care. When we were far enough from those two he began:

– What happened? Oh, don't cry, please... – he hugged me. – Don't cry...

– He... he was my... my Love with... with capital letters, and... she was... my best friend. I... I knew... knew that... he had... cheated on me but... I... I hadn't thought... that she... was Tara...

– Shhh... no problem... they are not worth any tear... shhh...

Then and there he was like my father. I appreciated that he didn't want to do anything with them just told me that their damned life didn't worth ANYTHING. Especially crying. He could calm me down and finally I could turn back to that life of mine where there were no lies yet.

**11****th**** August, 2013.**

In the morning I had some free time because I had packed my stuffs yesterday. I thought that it would be a great idea to call Mom on Skype. She was online.

– Hey, can you hear me?

– Yes, what about you?

– Same here – I laughed. – So, how are you?

– Fine, fine! But I'll be even better when you'll arrive home! When will you come?

– Today, if we're lucky – and I think we will be -, we'll catch the flight at 11.

– Yes, I think you will, traffic is better back to Budapest than to Balaton...

– You're just right.

– Darling, I have to tell you something. – She was chewing her bottom lip so she was nervous. – I'm pregnant.

– Oh, are you? – I asked a bit... shocked.

– Yes, isn't it... fantastic?

Somebody knocked on my door.

– Oh, I have to go now, bye! – I switched off my netbook as fast as I could.

Two hours later we were in a traffic jam – again, so we had no chance to reach the flight. And now we're at the airport waiting for our next plane. We'll get home late again.

Oh, no! Mom's at hospital, MOM'S AT HOSPITAL! I just got home and found Peter crying in the kitchen. I asked him about Mom but I couldn't get sufficient information. I didn't want to listen to the silence so I turned the TV on. I added subscribe and watched the news; I was nearly fallen asleep when the woman said:

– There were no survivals of the plane catastrophe of the flight from Budapest to Stockholm.

– What?

I could see the texts clearly at the bottom of the screen: Plane catastrophe on the way from Budapest to Stockholm. No survivals found.

I was staring at the screen. Peter came in that very moment and said:

– Anna thought that you were on that plane... and so have I. She got shock and... she...

– Lost the baby... – I finished.

– She's in... hospital.

He couldn't say them clearly. Those facts were more than what he could stand. He burst out crying again. He told me that she was still alive but the doc's hadn't decided if she could birth the baby or they would need to operate it out. Big deal, too big deal to decide suddenly but they have to decide, and decide well as soon as possible or Mom can die...

**12****th**** August, 2013.**

Today I had to go to work again. It was a really unusual day: Amalia had stayed at home. She said that she had to talk with somebody who was far away now, so she had decided to stay at home.

I was looking after Emily but I just couldn't really concentrate. I was praying God to save my mother's life.

– Trixie! – I saw a palm waving in front of my face. – Are you OK? – Amalia asked.

– Yeah, yeah, I am...

– Then what's wrong?

– Hhh – I sighed. – Could we speak about it somewhere where she can't hear us?

– Yes, of course. Go to the kitchen, I'll follow you in a minute.

She asked something from her daughter and later I could hear the music of Cinderella. I was sitting near the table and so did she.

– So, What happened?

– Did you watch the news yesterday?

– Yes.

– Then you can remember there was a piece of news about a plane catastrophe.

– It was the flight we missed.

– Yes. My mother thought we were on that plane. She was pregnant.

– What do you mean by _was_?

– You know, she had lost the baby. Now she's at hospital between life and death.

– Oh, I sympathize with you, I don't know what would I do if my mother was in such a situation... would you like to visit her?

– We'll, go today after work with Peter. But thanks.

– You're welcome.

At six Peter and I were standing next to mom's bed. She couldn't say anything. She was asleep.

– Mom – I began in Hungarian. I thought if she heard me speaking the language she had taught me she would be better. – I'm here and I'm fine. I hope soon you'll be so. I love you.

When we got home I wrote these down and... now I think I'll fall into my bed and cry until I fall asleep.

**13****th**** August, 2013.**

Today Mom had the operation. As she was over 45 she had to stay in the hospital so after work I went there as quickly as I could. I wanted to see her face, I wanted her to tell me that everything would be okay.

– I'm sorry, dear... – she looked at me with pain in her eyes. – I'm really sorry.

– No, Mom I have to apologize. I wasn't at home when you needed me. I...I'm sorry – I cried.

– Shh... no problem – she whispered. Enjoy life, don't take notice about my weakness. Peter's enough to do that. I want you to shine – she inhaled – like a star and tell me things that make me more and more cheerful. I want you to shine, honey...

– I promise I will...

– Khm... – a nurse cleaned her throat. – Madam, you should leave her alone.

– Okay, I'm going... I love you – I kissed her on forehead. – See you soon.

She didn't say anything just waved.

I got home as late as I have never ever before. I got lost in the town and my phone's fucking battery has reached an incredibly low level so it switched off. I had no money with me even to use a street phone, I couldn't check my map on my mobile and I didn't meet anyone on the street. Luckily – after an hour of hopeless walking – I met a guy who I was sure wasn't older than me and I asked him where the street I was living in was.

– My god, girl, you're damned lost.

– I know; you don't have to remind me.

He ignored my words and continued like I didn't just say anything:

– You have to turn back and follow this street until you reach the pedestrian street. Then turn right and turn left at the second corner but... you know what? I'm going to the pedestrian street so we could go together.

I wasn't sure it would be a great idea because I didn't even know him but as I saw – and I always see these things well – he was kinda rocker and I trusted rockers more than other types of people – mainly because I was so.

We were talking all way long and when we reached the pedestrian street he hugged me and made me promise I would add him on facebook. My first friend here! J Just friend, yes, he went to visit his girlfriend. But I'm so happy to know somebody here from my age...

**14****th**** August, 2013.**

Tomorrow would have been the wedding's day but there won't be a wedding but a funeral. Yes, she died at the hospital at night. Her nerves couldn't get over of losing her son – again.

After work I told Tommy that I want to leave earlier tomorrow. It wasn't a problem for him, he told me thatwhen time comes just call Amalia and tell her to come home.

**16****th**** August, 2013.**

It's nine in the morning and I can't sleep longer. We had mom's funeral yesterday. She was a Swedish citizen so she could be buried in Sweden. The funeral... it was... awful. I couldn't understand anything and her grave looked horrible – I'm sure she would have liked it. Our taste was so different – I was black and white and a bit boyish while she was colorful and pretty. But we loved each other as no one else.

My God! My God! My God! In the afternoon I went jogging and Peter went somewhere with his friends and came home just late at night – drunk. He began touching me so I escaped to the town. I had no idea where to go, I was hungry and exhausted, school was about to start and I had no place to sleep... The first – any only – idea that came into my mind at midnight in training clothes was to visit the only person about whom I knew where he lived and ask for a night I could spend in his house; so I hurried there and knocked at his door, looking like a beggar. The door opened in a minute:

– Yes? – the half-asleep Amalia asked.

– Hello... – I didn't try to smile.

– Oh, is it you? – she asked with a surprised face.

– Could... – I looked deeply in her eyes while fighting with my tears. – Could I stay here for a night?

– Oh, of course. Come in – he invited me in. We went to the kitchen and she offered me some cocoa.

– So, what happened?

I told her everything, sometimes holding a crying brake.

– The last thing she told me was that_ I_ _want you to shine, honey... _Can you imagine? – I asked not really from her but from myself instead.

– Don't you want to move back to Hungary? Don't misunderstand me, I love what you do with my daughter and I love your character just... that would be, I think, the most logical.

– I've already figured that out but I just don't want to go to a place where my life is based on a lie. I thought that I was living in a loving family but Mom had a desire for her school-love.

– So you have decided to stay in Sweden? I respect you.

– Thanks. Yes but I don't know how to do. I'll have to find a flat too. I don't want to live with that drunk beast anymore.

– Hmm... Tomorrow I'll ask Tommy about something. But now come with me to the guest room. And you should have a shower too.

– Hh – I sighed. – Thanks for everything.

**17****th**** August, 2013.**

I wrote the second part of the happenings of yesterday on this day. You won't figure out what happened! No, because you're just a diary.

I woke up around seven. I couldn't sleep longer because my phone alarm rang. _Meh, thanks_... So I woke up and – after going to the toilet – I went to the kitchen. The whole family was there, having a discussion. I cleared my throat.

– Good morning...

– Hey, good morning, sit down here! – offered Tommy.

– Thanks...

– Do you want some bread for breakfast? Some butter? Cheese?

– Thank you but...

– You can accept, no... you have to accept! Just eat. You'll need some energy today too.

After having a brilliant breakfast Emily left for getting dressed. I wanted to offer doing the dishes but they rejected.

– Beatrix, I want to offer you something that I have never offered anyone. – Tommy looked deeply in my eyes that frustrated me a bit. – Partly because my friends had enough money and weren't women.

– What would you...?

– I want to offer you to live in this house until you can afford an own one.

I couldn't say anything else but _eer_. I couldn't believe that it happened with me. A rockstar offered me to live in his house.

– So would you like to? In this case you'd become Emily's au pair.

– How could I refuse? Oh, my God, I can't believe that it happens with me!

They smiled and told me to call Peter to tell him that I was moving. It was Saturday so they were at home all day, on Saturdays I usually didn't work. We packed all of my stuff as before moving to Sweden and came here – Emily was the happiest about my moving.

And now I'm here in a room which became mine.

**19****th**** August, 2013.**

Today was the first day of school where – of course – I couldn't go because of my other responsibilities. It was just a ceremony of the new school-year's beginning. I prefer the school-ending ceremonies...

**20****th**** August, 2013.**

This was my first day at a Swedish school. It would have been pretty cool if a boor girl – named Ellie – wasn't in my class. First I had to go to the director and ask her for my timetable. She gave me and I went to my first lesson: Literature. As I stepped into the classroom every head turned into my direction and I glanced – _her_.

– Class, she's our new classmate who came from Hungary – the teacher said. – Go and take a seat somewhere.

I went to the rocker part of the class and sat down. During my way I went past her and I could hear her telling her _friends_: _The gay has just gone away and a Goth comes to his place_; but I didn't really care what she thought about me. I sat down at a free seat.

– Khm – the teacher cleared her throat. – As you sat down you should get up and tell some things about yourself.

I sighed long while getting up.

– Hi everyone, my name is Beatrix and I came from Hungary as you have heard. I'm eighteen years old and I only speak English; sadly, my Swedish is pretty poor yet. I prefer arts and humanities to scientific studies. I like metal music but I think that's pretty obvious – I chuckled, thinking of my clothing. – If you're interested in anything else just ask me after classes. Thanks for the possibility to talk – I sat down. Yeah, nowadays I became more and more phlegm – thanks to people who ruined my life.

I realized that the guy who helped me some days ago to get home was in the class too. His name was Eric anyway. After classes he introduced me to his friends and to his girlfriend. They were pretty nice and I offered them a beer. Eric and his girl, Carina came but the others went home instead. After having our beers in a pub we went home too but I picked Emily up before; who told me her day at the nursery – she was so cute! I'm getting better and better in Swedish but I don't think that any day I would be able to say anything in Swedish, I'm better at listening yet.

**21****st**** August, 2013.**

Today I recognized that there was a half-Hungarian guy in my class. After lessons he invited me for having a drink with his friends and I accepted because I was happy to hear some Hungarian voices. Someone from the company was especially kind to me: Norbert, my classmate's elder brother, who studied IT in a secondary school. We could get on very well, when I had to go – in the middle of our chat – I even gave him my phone number. He was the first non-family-member who knew my number before my Skype or my facebook.

After I took Emily home and I finished my homework my phone rang. I answered:

– Yea? Who's that? – I asked in English, the language I usually used to communicate.

– Hi, I'm Norbi – he answered in Hungarian.

– Oh, hello! Wassup?

– Nothing much I just wanted to ask for your facebook name since I can't find any Beatrix Bíró who lives in Sweden.

– Ooo, I'm up there named Bea Richter! You know I didn't want my old acquaintances to stay in touch with me.

– Oh, thanks! I'll add you soon and we can continue chatting there, OK?

– Right, bye!

– Bye – he hung up.

I switched on my netbook immediately and I found a friend request sent by him. I accepted ad we began talking about useless things and in the end we agreed that on Saturday we would meet each other, because I didn't have much time earlier.

**24****th**** August, 2013.**

I think if nothing interesting happens I shouldn't write anything here. But today it has happened. So: Norbi and I met in his favorite pub. Some others were there too so we had a pretty big company. Later, when Norbi ordered me the third beer I figured it out that he wanted it to be a date, you know, a rendezvous. He was nice and cute but I wasn't interested in him so far. He was too a macho type for me I think. He saw me home because he didn't want me to get lost – he has already heard my story about getting lost from Eric. Thank you, thank you. I didn't really want to show him where I lived – that would show where my new family lived -, so when we reached the corner of the street I stopped.

– So, it's time to separate from each other...

– Do you know which house to enter? – he smiled, came closer and took me by my waist.

– Listen, you're cute and everything but...

– Yes? – his face came closer too. I knew what he wanted.

– Wait, wait, I don't think I'm ready for this. – I took his hands down from my body.

– All right, then... bye – he kissed me on my cheek.

At home I fell into my bed and fell asleep. We met at the pub at six and we were there for more than four hours, I'm sure. I had a key for the house so it wasn't a problem if I got home late, but still.

**26****th**** August, 2013.**

At school I hurried to Eric; he was amazed of my behavior but I could explain with a single sentence.

– Did you have a clue that he wanted something from me?

– Who and what are you talking about?

– Norbi! You remember, we went to the Strong two days ago together! Don't look at me like this, you were there too!

– Oh, oooohh! I can remember! I don't know.

– What?

He laughed a short before he explained:

– I mean I didn't know he wanted anything from you until you came here and asked.

– Oh, did I scare you?

– No, no, you just came with so big voice that I couldn't do anything with – he continued laughing while we went to our lesson.

**27****th**** August, 2013.**

Carina asked me to join her after school. She wanted to buy a tee for herself and none of her friends had time. It was a surprise for Eric and also – being a male – he couldn't wait as long as he would have had to. I told her that I would have to go at last at four for picking up Emily that made her a bit disappointed but she accepted.

At the first shop she had found the one she wanted to and – after half an hour trying and _Do I really need this?_ – she bought it. She eve offered to come with me to Emily's nursery school but I rejected. I knew that it wouldn't be good if somebody figured out whom I worked for.

**13****th**** September, 2013.**

It's Friday the thirteenth and I'm really interested in what will happen today. I'm not superstitious I'm just curious. But it's time to get up now so I think I'll write something in the evening next 'coz Norbi has asked me to join him when I finish with my responsibilities at home and I just can't figure out what on Earth he might want. And also sorry for being so lazy that I barely wrote anything for two and a half weeks but either I was with friends or at home but the essence is that I didn't have time.

He did it! He DID it! HE DID IT! You may ask: who and what? I'm telling you: we went to a cinema and watched a scary movie (that I couldn't remember, partly because I hated horror and thriller and partly because I didn't concentrate on the _film_), then we ate at the McDonald's. He was flirting with me all the time but I didn't mind 'coz I liked him too. Later we went to a playground and swung for some time. It was late at night so he offered to take me home with his new car. I made him to stop at a park because its fountain was beautiful in the evening. We sat down near and watched its beauty and not much later he touched my hand. We looked at each other's eyes and wanted the same. Yeah, I know three weeks ago I wrote that I wasn't interested in him but he behaved like a puppy with me so I couldn't say _Go away and don't try to contact me anymore._ so simply and I also didn't want to. When he got really close to me he asked me a question after a short and confused laughter:

– I know you'll think I'm a fuckin' idiot but I have to ask you before I could kiss you because its importance will depend on your answer: would you like to be my girlfriend?

I couldn't say anything understandable.

– So no? I can understand you, you just came here some months ago and don't really know me but...

– Yes.

– What?

– My answer's yes. I would like to be your girlfriend. I have to face my feelings.

For some seconds we smiled to each other and then he kissed me. It was fast and strong – as I enjoy it.

After watching the fountain for some more minutes he took me home. He kissed me again at the corner – I didn't let him closer to the house – and then went home. I stepped into the house with a huge smile. The family was having dinner so I joined them but I smiled more than I ate.

I think Friday the thirteenth will be my fortune day from now.

**21****st**** September, 2013.**

Today Norbi took me to one of his friends – they wanted to know his girlfriend who's said to be beautiful and smart. They were having much vodka which I hated but I drank some vodka-orange which was a bit better. They helped me a lot to understand drunk-Swedish.

**23****rd**** October, 2013.**

It's a national feast in Hungary, a remembrance-day for those who had died in the revolution in 1956. I was a bit more Hungarian today than I usually did.

**26****th**** October, 2013.**

We had a party at Andy's house (the guy who we visited a month ago), then my bag nearly got lost when we went to a concert and I had to look after the others' stuff.

**27****th**** October, 2013.**

I'm loving Norbi more and more! He took me to his parents and HE cooked! It was, _hmm_, delicious! His parents are very nice people; his mother's a nurse and his father's a doctor, no wonder how they met...

**2****nd**** November, 2013.**

It's All Saints Day today in Sweden. Andy, Norbi and I went to a rock concert and it took me half an hour to realize that that was THAT concert Tommy had been talking about for months! I wanted to be anywhere else even on a thump-thump party but not there. I wished myself and Norbi to the Hell but it didn't happen. I noticed Amalia and Emily at the backstage and I wanted to faint. When Norbi looked at me he asked if I needed another drink but Andy could see that I felt horrible so he held my shoulder and went outside and asked me if I needed a taxi but I told him that I could call one for myself.

– No, you can't even speak Swedish! – he disagreed. – I'll call one for you and I'll stay here until you get in, 'kay?

– Of course – I looked at him surrendered. I knew that I couldn't go home and I also couldn't survive here. While he was asking for a taxi with a chauffeur who could speak English I was wondering how I could solve the problem but I couldn't figure out anything useful or at least useable.

The taxi reached us and I got in, then Andy gave me some money and he went back inside.

– So where should I take you? – the driver asked.

– Well... nowhere. Here's the money thank you for coming! – I gabbled and got off. He looked at me like people usually look at idiots and went away but I already _had_ a plan. It was night and cold and I was wearing just a hoodie so I called Amalia immediately.

– Yes? – she answered for my third call.

– Hi, I'm just right here where your husband gives a concert. Could you somehow let me in?

– Of course just wait a minute – she hung up.

Ten minutes later a gorilla came with her. He gave me a V.I.P.-pass and we went to the backstage together.

– Are you fine? – she asked when we got in. – Aren't you cold?

– No, I'm not cold, everything's okay – I lied. I was a bit cold maybe I caught cold too and my boyfriend was a dick to me.

– How could you get here? Didn't you tell me this morning that you would hang out with your friends?

– Yeah, but we ended up here! You know _sneeze_ I don't want them know I work for you. Better for you because your home's location isn't widely known and better for me because they like me for who I am.

– Right. So you planned to stay here?

– Exactly. Oh, are you sleepy? Come here, Emily and sleep here, OK? – I asked the last sentence in Swedish. Amalia looked at me suddenly.

– Did you...? – Amalia asked.

– What if I could say a sentence in Swedish? I was thinking about it for a minute – I laughed.

– It's like being with... – I couldn't understand the last word Emily told her mother but she looked at me sadly and let out a long sigh. I couldn't do anything with it so I shrugged my shoulders, smiled and hugged Emily.

We got home really late and fell into bed. I'm writing all next morning.

**3****rd**** November, 2013.**

Norbi called me to argue about my disappearance yesterday. I told him that Andy called a taxi for me and I came home in peace and quiet. Of course I didn't mention that two hours had passed between the two activities and I caught cold too. He made me promise that I wouldn't disappear without telling him anymore.

He couldn't remember that I wasn't fine. I have an idea that he sometimes smokes funny-cigarettes. I know this type I have done it on my sixteenth birthday but it have been enough for my entire life.

**21****st**** November, 2013.**

I was right when I thought he smoked weed. I told him to choose between that shit and me and he told me that he would stop smoking it. I really hope so because I don't want to lose him because of an idiot drug.

**6****th**** December, 2013.**

We broke up. I found him at his home smoking weed. And he also offered me some! I was fed up with him and asked for his mobile to delete my number from it just as I did with his. Then I went home and ate chocolate and ice-cream and watched "Shakespeare In Love". I couldn't find any other clearly romantic film on my netbook. When I finished somebody knocked at my door so I powerlessly turned my head into that direction.

– Yeah, anyone's that, just come in! – I yelled.

– Hi – stepped in Amalia. – What are you doing?

– Awh, is it you? I was watching a film but I'm ready yet. Why?

– Well, I just wanted to tell you that it's snowing outside and you should come out with us.

– Okay, I'm getting dressed in a minute.

I dressed up warmly and went out, it was the first snow of this winter after all. It came late.

We were playing in the snow for two hours bathing poor Tommy and I got a part of it too. I hope I won't catch cold again, it wouldn't be funny.

**7****th**** December, 2013.**

Of course I caught cold! What else could have happened?! I can be happy that I like every kinds of tea 'cause I drink it about ten times a day. But I'm really tired now so I'm going for having a dinner and I'm going to bed after.

**8****th**** December, 2013.**

Still sick and today I had a temperature too. I'm happy that I haven't infected the family yet.

**9****th**** December, 2013.**

Emily's looking forward something – I guess Christmas.

**12****th**** December, 2013.**

Better today! I could stand an hour without coughing and blowing my nose. I hate doing that – I'm allergic! They also allowed me to cook some food for myself. I made some semolina-pudding and I put some cranberry-jam into it. It was so delicious that I had to share on facebook... ^_^

It was Saint Lucia's day today and Emily dressed like her. She was so cute. ^_^

**16****th**** December, 2013.**

– We have to tell her!

– But not yet! It wouldn't be good for her, because...

Today I could hear Tommy's and Amalia's debate of telling somebody something. Of course as they spoke Swedish I couldn't understand much. I don't know whom they have been talking about but I hope it's not me because – as I've already written down – I hate living in lies.

**19****th**** December, 2013.**

I went for shopping some Christmas-present for my family. I bought just some décor-stuff for the adults and a pink plush bear for Emily with her name written onto it. I also bought a reindeer for myself and named it Kevin. Now he's my best friend and I also sleep with him.

**20****th**** December, 2013.**

OMG, Tommy told me that tomorrow a family-member would come from Japan for spending Christmas with them. His name was Kevin – as my reindeer! – and he was one month younger than me. Tommy asked me to go to the airport and wait for his flight's landing there with a board written _Kevin_ with pink onto. I couldn't really say anything for pink, I thought that maybe it could help the guy discovering it because there weren't usually men names written onto boards with pink. Meh, I miss my old life a bit where I always knew what happened why; but I can't leave my family and my work here, I have to take responsibility for my actions.

**21****st**** December, 2013.**

Finally, I got a big pasteboard and I looked after some highlighters and some colored pencils. I wrote his name onto the paper with pink highlighter, then decorated it, and draw a manga-panda eating some bamboo on the left and a Christmas-tree with presents on the right. I showed my art to the family, they appreciated that I had drawn something onto – it wasn't so simple and boring.

His flight will land at eight pm. so I've had time for getting ready for the meeting. I have no certain idea why, but I don't want to ruin his first impression of me. And in ten minutes from now I hopefully will sit in a taxi.


	2. Extra - Men Who Hate Women

Men Who Hate Women

The guys have just finished practicing their new song _Shivering_ and now they were simply sitting on the ground.

– Ah, some more songs like this and we'll be famous world-widely – Jenziih said as he lay back on the ground.

– And you can make Yohio's hair before every concert – Seike said as glancing at his girlish friend. Yohio looked back at him shyly. He somehow felt uncertain near him – his eyes always fell on Seike's lips but in these moments he always brought himself under control and glanced back at his eyes. He felt a bit upset because at the beginnings Seike did his hair and later he handed this activity over to Jenziih.

– Well, I like dealing with that – Jenziih said. – You know I always hang out near my hairdresser mother.

Silence broke out as he closed his mouth.

– Okay, guys, don't we wanna go home? – Ray asked and the others agreed. Linder helped him with getting up. They picked their stuffs and Yohio saw them to the door. Suddenly – he didn't know why – he softly touched Seike's arm.

– Er, yes? – he looked back at him.

– Seike – Yohio began – don't you wanna stay?

– Well, Mom and Dad aren't at home now... but I'd better to call my sister – he answered and took his phone. He dialed a number and waited. – Hi, listen... oh, so you'll stay with your boyfriend? ... Food is in the fridge? ... Ookay see you tomorrow! – he hung up. – I can stay.

– Yaay – Yohio said confused. He didn't know why he had asked Seike to stay. He somehow attracted him while he repelled him as well.

– But I should go home to get some sleepwear and clothes too – Seike added.

– We can take you home if you wish – Yohio said. His gaze fell on the singer's lips as he said the word _home_. He didn't want him to leave this place. He didn't want anyone to be with them. He just wanted to... – N... no... I'm not... – he murmured to himself with his headbowed down. He couldn't accept yet that he was...

– What aren't you? – his friend asked while raising Yohio's chin.

– Nothing, it's just nothing – the blond one said as he left the room. – Seike, come, please! How could we take you home if you're staying here? – he asked laughing. The black-haired guy followed him but kept some distance.

As they got home again Yohio fell onto his bed. Seike sat down near him.

– What should we do? – the guitarist asked. He really had no idea, or...

– We should order some pizza and call some girls to strip-tease or watch porn – the other one said.

– Awh, you and porn always – Yohio threw a pillow on Seike's head. – Why can't you understand that I hate that, I prefer romance?

– You are so feminine! Hmm, if you didn't have a dick I'd fuck you – Seike laughed.

– We should order that pizza...

– And buy vodka – Seike added.

Yohio sighed before continuing:

– And buy some vodka then watch a film.

– Not porn.

– No, not porn. A romantic fantasy, for example... Stardust!

– But that's soo girlish – Seike cried.

– Hey, I'm going to buy you vodka so you must accept my choice!

– Ahh, okay! Shall we go and buy that stuff?

– First I'm ordering the food. I know a place where they make heavenly pizza but delivering takes them a whole life so we'll have time to do the shopping.

He ordered a big Mexican-pizza and they put their shoes on as to go to the grocery nearby. Seike had no idea how his friend would get the alcoholic liquid but he trusted him. They had nearly reached the shop when an idea slipped into his mind: _Maybe Yoho will play his girlself and make the shop-assistant give him the booze? Or what? I'd love seeing him..._

– Here we are – the blond boy's voice broke his friend's thoughts. They stepped in and Yohio went to the shop-assistant. – Hi, Jonas, what's up?

– Hey, Kevin, how are you? Which wind has blown you here? – the man asked.

– I think the southern – Yohio laughed. – Listen, I'd need some... – he said more quietly.

– Cigarette again, right? Guy, I've already warned you several times that my sister will recognize it sooner or later – the man said with the pack in his hand.

– Oh, no, I'd buy vodka instead. I promised my friend to do – he said.

– Man, you're taking me to the graveyard – Jonas said as he held the bottle. – But it's the last time I'm giving you something alcoholic 'til you're not eighteen.

– Okay, okay, here you are – Yohio gave the man the price by holding the bottle. He smiled back at his black-haired friend and they went out of the building...

– Don't you tell me that my love is not enough – Yohio drank from the bottle.

– Don't you tell me that my heart is not enough – Seike continued by drinking.

– To be with – Yohio drank and sang with Seike – you!

– Can't you see that I am dying here inside?

– Can't you ever see that I have lost my mind?

– Because of – the two guys sang together – you!

– Goodbye – Yohio sang.

– I'm shivering!

They lay back as they sang the last two words. The two guys glanced at each other and began laughing. They were drunker than they had expected. The film was over and they had eaten all the pizza yet.

– Don't you tell me you can't live without me now... – Yohio sang quietly. – Don't you tell me 'cause you didn't... even try – he sighed – to be with me...

– Man, I love this song – Seike sat up and drank the rest of the transparent liquid.

– Hey, I wanted the rest – Yohio continued his friend's movement. – Ah, but who cares I'm so drunk without that too – he lay back while laughing.

– Now it's time to order some girls to strip-tease.

– I want no women here. I just want to be with my best friend.

– Oh. – The singer couldn't say anything else. He felt a bit...

– What's that, guy? – Yohio asked.

– It just surprised me that you think of me as your best friend – Seike lay back to the bed. – You know, I – he sighed – never really had friends...

– Man, you try to slip into my character?

– Yeah, I guess so – he got the answer he had expected.

– 'Cause I was the one who had just a few friends and who had to bear other's mockery. You were popular and the bully itself! Every girl fell head over heels when they could see you! Ah, fuck, you had a damned perfect life!

– Yeah, a damned perfect life... – Seike thought about it. He really had had a good life as he had now too but he still needed something more. Or someone...

– Please, tell me again the story of your first girlfriend – Yohio asked him.

– No, it's so... childish...

– Pleeeeeease – Yohio looked at him with puppy-eyes.

– Ah, okay, be happy... – Seike accepted the request.

– Thank you, bestie – the guitarist hugged him.

– Hey, man, you're doing so girlish! – Seike pushed him away from himself.

– I just wanted to show you that I love you. – As he realized what he had just said he added – As a friend, of course.

– So, here the story is...

– I just can't figure out how it feels – the blond one said.

– What? – his friend asked. He knew that one day Yohio held a girl's hand and she gave him a peck. It was the only story the guitarist had about boy-girl relationship. He began playing the guitar to be more popular among girls.

– To kiss someone... a girl... to hold her by her waist... – he wondered.

– It's really-really wet – Seike said. Now he knew what he wanted but he didn't tell it to his friend. He wanted him to say it. – But it's one of the best feelings of the world.

– Better than lifting your newly-born sister and see that she laughs at you? – Yohio asked. It was by far the best moment of his life.

– Better I guess but you know I'm the youngest in my family...

– I want to try it out – Yohio looked at Seike seriously.

The singer smiled inside but he didn't let his friend to see his happiness.

– Shall I call a girl for you? – Seike asked but secretly he knew the answer.

– You don't have to... – Yohio drew himself up to Seike's face. They were looking at each other's eyes but they couldn't figure out anything of each other's gaze.

– I love you – Seike said. Yohio couldn't really say anything for this. He felt somehow similar but he thought that it's just a joke, that Seike's just pulling his leg but it got into his mind that _drunken person – honest person_ so he was sure of his friend's seriousness.

– I love you too – he said finally and his lips touched Seike's. He could smell alcohol on his breath but he didn't care – he was drunk too.

Seike's tongue softly slipped into the guitarist's mouth and they began their battle of kisses. Yohio held Seike by his waist and tried to get above him. In this moment the singer realized that he played the role of the girl and his proudest didn't let him do it, because _it was enough for children's day_ so he changed the situation: he tenderly touched Yohio's face and climbed above him, holding him by his waist...

Half a year have been passed away since Yohio got his first kiss but its memory still lived in him vividly. He couldn't go to bed or get up without thinking of it but every day if felt him somehow else. In the beginning he enjoyed thinking of it, he enjoyed every single kiss he gave him but with time he became more and more adult and he could see clearly. He sometimes wondered of the cause why he kissed Seike – maybe it was alcohol which spoke from him or that he felt safer with him than with anyone else? Who knows? The essence was that they were together for half a year now and he wanted to give him some present. _Maybe his virginity..._

– Oh, hi, Linder, what's up? – he opened the door of his hotel-room.

– I wanted to... to speak with you about something really important – his friend said and Yohio let him in. – It'll have an impact on the band's future.

– What are you talking about? – the guitarist asked, not totally understanding.

– You... – the black-haired guy said – You two just can't continue.

Yohio stared at the drummer. He couldn't find the cause why Linder said this.

– On every rehearsal, before every concert we hear you dealing with your personal problems. Then we see you kissing passionately and man, we can't bear this anymore! We always think of that if that day you stopped us... sorry, you know that we accept that you are homosexual but we just can't get ourselves to imagine that we could be that too. And when you were in anger with each other we didn't practice for weeks – until you two made it out. It is everything but good neither for the band nor for you. And I say it now in Jenziih's and Ray's name too as a friend not as a band-member – he stood up and went out of the room. Yohio couldn't react. Somehow he knew that it wouldn't work for much time but he hoped so and hearing what the other three guys thought... He knew that they couldn't continue like this they had to concentrate on music because that was the only thing they were good at.

"Seike, could you please come to my room? Yohio"

– Here I am – the singer stormed into Yohio's room without a single sign.

– Hi – the blond one said dryly.

– What happened to my Cloudberry that he's so grief-stricken? You know it's our anniversary! – Seike smiled and tried to kiss his partner but he didn't let him do.

– Listen, we – Yohio sighed – just should make it end.

– What are you talking about?

– I want to break up with you, Seike. Our arguments and our whole relationship just aren't good for the band, can't you see? – Yohio asked with tearful eyes as he glanced at his love.

– Do you think that it will be better if we are exes? – Seike yelled after he understood what the other one had just said. – Do you think that everything will be perfect after breaking up? Or that we won't have feelings for each other?!

Yohio didn't answer just looked seriously at Seike who continued:

– I can't do it like this. I'm quitting Seremedy.

– W... wait, man, are you serious? – Yohio asked.

– Yeah, I'm serious. You can sing. I won't continue it with you.

– And I won't continue it without you – Yohio stood up and went out of the room to find a place where he could get all these off his chest.

Big raindrops washed the ground of the small park where Yohio was sitting on a bench. It was eight in the evening – he had been sitting here for more than an hour waiting for Seike to seek him – and he had got soaking wet. His face was wet as well but his skin dried out because he was crying since he left the hotel-room.

_So, here we are. Yeah, I broke up with him and he was right: the band couldn't continue. It's just a simple sentence and it can change many things: I want to break up with you. So is it how love feels when it ends? Then I don't want to be in love again as not to lose anyone again..._


	3. 2 - Provoked Princesses

Chapter Two: Provoked Princesses

**22****nd**** December, 2013.**

How could I explain our first meeting better than writing down every single moment carefully?

I put on my leatherette trousers, my steeled boots and my leatherette jacket to take the mysterious Kevin home – who wore my reindeer's name.

It was snowing heavily outside so I was happy to have a plastic folder for the sign. It took me three minutes to reach the corner – which usually took me just one but now the wind was blowing against me.

Then I got there, waited ten fucking minutes for the taxi and got into.

– Good evening, mister! – I smiled at him.

– Good evening. Where should I take you? – he asked.

– To the airport, please.

They ARE really allergic to that small _please_ word: if you don't insert it they're taking you there on a longer way.

– It's such a windy day, isn't it? – he asked.

– Yes, it is. And cold too – I added.

– And where are you traveling? Far away? – he asked after some minutes of silence.

– Oh... ooh, no! – I laughed. – I'm taking... somebody home from there.

– Oh, I see.

We got there at ten to eight. I paid, held my folder and got off the taxi.

– If you accept an advice – he said – let me go now and ask for another taxi going home. The flight might be late because of this weather.

– Okay... thank you for coming and have a nice day! – I smiled.

He didn't say anything just went away, so I went into the building as well. It was the flight from Stockholm that took him here.

After waiting half an hour in the nearly empty waiting-hall I went to the information to ask for some – information.

– Uhm... Excuse me, miss! – I asked a real porcelain-doll.

– Yeah? – she looked at me while chewing her bubble-gum. It was so repulsive.

– Could you please help me by telling if the plane from Stockholm – which should have arrived by eight – has arrived yet?

– Er, once again, please? – she asked with strong accent.

– There's a plane from Stockholm which have had to get here at eight. Got it?

– Yeah, and?

– Has it arrived yet?

– Well, not yet, but... I'm phoning Stockholm, 'kay?

– Awh, thanks.

She dialled a number and talked for ten minutes. If she had talked one minute more she would had driven me insane.

– It hadn't taken off yet but it will as soon as the storm calms down.

– And what can I do until then? – I asked.

– You could have a coffee or take a nap. It might take even two or three more hours.

– Okay, thanks – I left her. I could afford a crème-chocolate and a tuna-sandwich.

_I hate fish._

Later when I couldn't do anything I called Tommy to tell him that the flight was being late because of the weather. He said it was fine and told me to stay there until it landed. I couldn't say no – he was my boss!

Then I fell asleep and I woke up for somebody trying to make me awake.

– Awh, what's the time? – I asked in Hungarian.

– Pardon? – a female voice asked.

_So it was the porcelain-doll._

– What's the time – I asked again but now in English.

– It's six in the morning – her accented voice answered. – Your flight lands in ten minutes. And no, nobody had stolen anything from you – she added.

– Oh, thanks.

– You're welcome – she smiled with her disgusting smile. Even though she was helpful I couldn't help noticing her appearance: great pink fake-nails and lifted pink lips, and if it wasn't enough she also had pink eyelashes on the top of all these.

I stood up immediately which I shouldn't had done: the food in my stomach had been lifted too so I ran to the restroom and puked. After finishing I ran to the canteen.

– I hate fish – I murmured before asking for a menthol chewing-gum because I was sure that the tuna was the cause. If I didn't need the gum really – as I couldn't brush my teeth – I wouldn't had bought it: it cost the double of the normal price!

The flight landed and some minutes later I could see a group of people coming – each with disappointed, angry or at least tired face. I thought of lifting the board above my head but I didn't want to make him feel awkward.

When the mass became smaller – nearly everybody had gone away – I could see a... boy (?) in puffy coat and girlish sunglasses (!) standing in front of me. I was still grasping the board. He took an uncertain step forward me.

– You must be Kevin – I stretched out my hand but he didn't accept. I pulled it back slowly. – My name's Beatrix. Your...

– Hey, stop speaking so much! Dad has already told me everything. Just take me home, okay? – he asked angrily.

_Dad?_

– Er... okay. Shall I help you with your case? – I offered.

– No, I can deal with it, 'kay?

– Of course – I said quickly and we went out of the building. I could find a taxi soon and the driver could speak English – more or less.

– He didn't tell me that you were his son. – I tried to start a conversation with Kevin – third time.

– Eh, haven't you realized that he always informs you in the last minute? It's so typical to him – he turned his face back to the window, and didn't say anything more on the way.

We got out of the car at the corner and continued our way on foot.

– Here we are – I opened the gate.

– I know for sure – he replied arrogantly. I made some faces behind his back in return.

We went into the house and the family began kissing and hugging him.

– Have you seen the panda she had drawn for you? – Emily asked.

Kevin glanced at me with a murderous face.

– I hope you know that pandas _don't_ live in Japan and you didn't tell my sister such stupid things – he said.

I got fed up with him at this point and I withdrew to my room offended.

_How could he even suppose that I was that stupid?!_

Amalia had told me that he was just tired so he didn't really mean the things he said.

**23****rd**** December, 2013.**

Awhh, it's morning again and I can't sleep. That asshole guy snores at the end of the room. Yeah, he's at the same room as I because both of us were too proud to sleep on the couch. I have no privacy until he slips off.

We've had our breakfast and he's still sleeping! How can he sleep so much?

I took a picture of him sleeping and letting his saliva flowing out of his mouth. I posted it on facebook: "My new roommate!" and I didn't even hurt his rights because people couldn't see his full face.

I asked Tommy if that was a good idea to make some breakfast for him and (maybe) take it to the room. He approved so I made some toast with marmalade (yumm ^_^) and a cup of coffee if he needed. I took it into the room and placed on his bedside-table. I wrote a card written _Buon Apetite_ rapidly. As I have finished I became sleepy so I tried to sleep back – with more or less success; when I nearly fell asleep Kevin woke up – I could see him from under the blanket. His gaze fell on the tray and he smiled, then stretched, bit one from the toast and murmured something like _hmm_ so he must have liked it. I was satisfied with my result. After finishing his breakfast he came to my bed.

– Hey – he poked me.

– Awh, yeah? – I looked at him.

– Get up; Dad wants to talk with us.

– Okay, I'm getting dressed...

– You don't have to – he said.

– Oh, do you think so? – I pushed my bare right leg out from under the blanket.

– Well, then I'm going out, okay? – he asked confused.

– Oh, yeah – I stretched. – I'll be out in a minute.

Yeah, I usually sleep just in a long tee and I knew that he couldn't concentrate well if I went out like that so I put on a pair of stretch-jeans before meeting them again.

– Did you sleep well? – Tommy asked.

– Yeah, but not as long as I wanted because _somebody_ woke me up – I smiled.

– In this case take a seat. Do you want a coffee yet?

– No, still no – I laughed briefly. I could see that Kevin couldn't understand anything so I started to explain. – You know, I woke up four hours ago, I just tried to sleep back.

– Oh, I see. So you made breakfast for me? – he asked a bit angrily.

– Yes, what's the problem with it?

– The coffee was cold.

– You woke up late – I shrugged my shoulders.

– And there was too much jam on the toast.

– We call it marmalade because it's made of orange _and_ you could go out to the kitchen and solve the problem on your own. Or shall I wipe your ass out, Mr Precision?

– Hey guys, you may not argue! – Tommy inserted immediately.

– But Dad! – Kevin cried.

– Shut up, Son! So, where shall I begin?

– At the beginning? – Kevin suggested impatiently.

– We receive many letters from your fans asking for further information of...

– Wait, his fans? – I asked surprised. – What are you talking about?

– Later – Kevin said. – Just continue, Dad.

– So they all ask for some further information of your muse to whom "You're the One" was written.

– And what have you found out? Who should I ask to play that mysterious girl's role?

– Beatrix, of course!

– NO – we said immediately.

– Oh, Dad, I... I don't really know her...

– And so do I! And you know what happened to...

– And you know about...

We both tried to convince Tommy about the ridiculousness of his idea but we failed – he had already decided.

– Your image needs a tangible girlfriend in Sweden not a shy and mysterious one from Japan!

– But I... I...

– You just hang out together holding each other's hand and sometimes kiss each other. Is it so difficult?

– Awh, I've done so many things for my career, it won't depend on this. Let it be – he said.

– You won't have to deal with Emily more if you accept this job. You can live here until he moves on. You just have to show up with him, smile, and don't say anything. Got it?

– Yeah, but I liked Emily...

– You were tired of her I know.

– Oh, but we'll need a cover-story then – I said.

– Ehm... have you ever been to Japan?

– How could she have been? She didn't know either that pandas don't live there! – Kevin said.

– That was a cute manga, 'kay? So you can end this story now.

– Ehm, Italy? – Tommy suggested.

– Sí? – I asked in Italian.

– So you speak the language? – Tommy asked.

– I was learning it for three years and I also visited the Carnival in Venice in 2011.

– Nice, that's the same year we were there. So you met there and after losing your father you moved to Sundsvall with your mother. You were just friends then and you became lovers nearly a year ago. After losing your mother you moved to us quickly because you didn't want to live alone in Kevin's apartment.

– And Mom didn't allow me to move there before I was eighteen.

– But I was in Japan when you did... when did you?

– On the fourth of June.

– Right, so I was in Japan so you couldn't move there alone...

– Because I hate being alone for days. Mom died on the fourteenth of August – and I moved here as soon as I could.

– Who said _I love you_ first? – Tommy asked.

– (S)he! – we said at the same moment.

– I won't do anything until the man steps so you – I glanced at Kevin.

– So I kissed you first?

– Oh, of course! – I laughed. – Give your hand on it!

We shook hands on our agreement. His touch was a bit feminine, so called _dead fish_ so I clutched his hand a bit.

– Ouch! – he pulled it back rapidly.

– Sorry... so, what's out first thing to do together? – I asked Tommy.

– I need a new pair of trousers – Kevin reacted.

– So you ask me to join you to buy one, right? – I smiled.

– Yeah, but you must wear some VK stuff – he pointed out.

I stared at him.

– Oh, no, don't even think about it! Don't even _dream _about it! – I hurried back to our room and put on some wearable black clothes. I was scolding myself for accepting his (their) offer as I went out to the court where I found him standing next to a pink Suzuki SX4. The sight shocked me.

– Will you get in or should I leave you here? – he asked impatiently.

– Are you sure that you want to go with _this_? – I pointed at the car.

– Oh, of course! It's my promotion car! Get in quickly.

– Will you explain me some things?

– If you get in now – he exhaled a long – I will.

I immediately got into the car and he sat near me, then opened the gate with a remote controller and turned the key. We were traveling for at least ten minutes when he asked:

– So, what do you want to know?

– Could you please talk about your fans? And why do you have them? Who are you exactly?

– It will be a long-long story...

– I'm sure it is so you'd better start – I sighed.

– After I lost my mother at the age of seven, I was living with my father for some years – until he met Amalia. When I was ten they began their joint life so she elbowed me out from Dad's life. I regret now that I haven't liked her at the first some years because now she's one of my best friends, the one I can easily tell nearly everything. So, at that age one of my friends, Sebbie discovered visual kei. As it wasn't an average style – and I was fighting against Dad and Amalia – I joined him. I became friends with some guys and we established a band; later called Seremedy. We were using fake names – mine was Yohio, how friends had called me for some time. My family gave me this name when I was – he parked the car because we got to the place we went – five or six.

I was amazed of his extroversion. I had thought he wouldn't tell me anything – or would tell useless and common things.

– Don't you want to get out of the car?

– Oh, sorry – I smiled at him and did what he had asked me to do. – Where are we now?

– Brista? – he looked at me not understanding.

– Hey, I came here every time by bus, okay?

– Don't leave your coat at the car – he commanded me and we began our four-hours-long mission to find a pair of suitable trousers for Kevin. People were staring at us – partly because (I think) they knew who Kevin was and partly because it was funny to see a _girlboy_ in pink and a rocker girl holding each other's hands.

In the first shop he gave me the key of the car because he said he was sure that he would lose it while trying.

– Don't you want to continue your story? – I asked him in the sixth shop while he was trying the... one, two, three... tenth pair of black tube-jeans.

– Not yet – he replied from the fitting bay. – What do you think? – he came out.

– Awh, phew! – I laughed.

– Isn't it good? – he asked.

– You look like you had shat into your pants.

– But... awh, okay, I'm taking it off and we can go to another shop.

– In underwear? – I raised my eyebrows. He didn't answer just went in and came out two minutes later in his cute white jeans.

– Shall we go? – he asked with a murderous smile.

– Of course! – I kissed him on his right cheek and – after we took the trousers back – we wanted to go to the next shop. – Oh, oh, ooh! Look there! – I pointed at a direction. – There's the Lolita shop!

– Oh, I didn't know that there was one! Come on, let's go there!

– But we have already been shopping for three hours, I'm starving! – I sat down on the closest bench stubborn.

– Oh, okay, then we should have lunch at...

– Just go to that part and we can decide there, 'kay?

– Of course – he smiled and we went to the first floor where most of the fast-food restaurants were. I attacked the Chinese-section immediately – Chinese food was definitely the best thing that could happen to human cuisine ever.

– Hey, Dear, come – I told him and he _did_!

– Oh, how much that costs? – he took out his wallet.

– Don't you wanna eat something? – I looked at him amazed.

– No, I'm not hungry – he replied briefly and paid.

– Oh, come on, you haven't eaten anything since breakfast! – We took a seat near. – Now you're going to get some food for yourself! I don't wanna see you coming back without a full plate! You must eat something.

– Don't order me all the time, you're not my mother! – He stood up angrily and went away. I couldn't do anything with his behaviour.

Ten minutes later he came back with some salad. He sat down and began eating without a single word. He didn't either take off his – girlish – sunglasses for this action.

– Where were you? – I interrogated him.

– You have no business with that – he answered but when he saw my face he added immediately – but I had gone to the restroom and I was queuing for some food.

– And it took you ten fucking minutes! – I stopped eating.

– Yeah, because I'm a slow person!

He hated me at least as much as I hated him but we had to solve this problem to keep the illusion of a happy relationship.

– Hey, I'm sorry. Forgive me for shouting and losing my cool head – I touched his hand on the table. I really meant it.

– Awh, don't play yourself! – he raised his voice but as everyone was looking at us he began talking more quietly and if it was possible his voice was even more angry. – You know for sure that you just _play the role_ of my girlfriend and it doesn't allow you for behaving as you'd like or even love me!

– I just wanted to be nice, what's the matter? – I whispered to him.

As he didn't answer we both continued eating in silence and as we finished we went to the Halo of the Demon, the Lolita shop.

– Don't you need anything? I mean some colourful clothes for example – he asked when we got there.

– Ehm... what if I buy some corsets? – I asked because mine went wrong and I had a passion with corsets – especially with the Victorian-styled ones.

– If they're not black... I'll pay for them – he nodded slowly more for himself than for me.

– Then go and check out trousers – I laughed – I'll do the same with corsets.

In some minutes I found ten suitable ones for trying. I didn't really care of their price as before – there was a rich guy who had offered me to buy them all. Six months ago I didn't even look at them because of their horrible prices. I was about trying them on when I could hear Kevin shouting from the fitting:

– Trixie!

_Oh, my God, shut up!_

– Hey, I'm right here, wassup?

– Could you please come in? I'm having some problems with the zipper... – he asked in a much lower voice.

I sighed before answering. I was fed up with childish behaviour.

– Let me see – and I went in with all the ten corsets.

As I stepped in I could see something people rarely see in fitting bays: there was another person in pants and T-shirt trying to draw the zipper on the left side of his trousers – with no success. I couldn't do without smiling.

– Don't laugh but help instead! – he ordered me.

– Magic word? – I asked laughing.

– Please – he looked at me with puppy-eyes – I can't even draw it either up or down.

– There's probably something in the zipper... come closer! – I kneeled down. It was a bit mistakable situation so I was praying God not to let anyone in. – Here it is... – I held the thread and I tried to bite it.

– Hey, what are you doing? – he yelled at me.

– I'm eliminating the thread so shut up and try to bear it!

I touched his inner thigh and pulled him closer to me.

_Oh, don't let you cheeks become pink! Don't! Oh, here it is!_

I was so close to him that my face touched his leg.

– Try it now – I said my eyes shot down as I stood up.

– Oh, thanks, it works properly. So, what do you think?

His dark black jeans were fitting his thin legs like gloves. There was a text about accepting each other round his legs; the zipper ran up from his knees slantingly to the left and right side of his hips. My first idea was to say _I love you_ for what I saw but I brought myself under control so I just said:

– If you like it I like it too. It – I gesticulated with my hands strong – just matches your tee. – I said finally instead of a compliment although I felt so silly for not telling him some kind words.

– Ehm, don't you wanna go out? You could try them on – he pointed at the corsets.

– Oh, ooh, you're right! I'm not even here! – I hurried out and I went into the other bay to put on the corsets. I found three full and two waist-corsets that looked well on me; they were red, purple, blue, green and grey, in this order.

– Hey, Kevin... oh! – I found him in a newly-tried tee. – I like it, buy it!

– Yeah, I was thinking of that too... what did you wanna say?

– I just wanted to ask that... how many corsets am I allowed to buy?

– I'd buy you the whole shop if you dressed more colourful then!

– Okay, don't we wanna go then? – I hurried him.

– Hey, keep it cool, I'm taking this off and we can go and pay, right?

– You've just found out my inner wishes!

My stomach began rumbling in that very moment. I felt a bit awkward.

– Oh, my God, are you hungry? How can you eat so much? – he asked.

I gently raised my shoulders to show him that I didn't know.

– Here, buy a sandwich or anything you want, I have to pay. And I don't want to see you coming back without food in your hands!

– Oh, thanks – I smiled and went out of the shop but before I checked a beautiful black corset that I would have no money for ever – even if I worked for Tommy for years.

I attacked the only gyros-stand I could find – that was one of my favourite foods – but as soon as I had a bit one of the heavenly food my phone rang.

– Yeah – I answered.

– Where are you? – a voice asked impatiently. – I'm waiting for you with all of our stuffs at the car! You have the key and I'm freezing out here!

– Ehm, Kevin?

– Happy to hear that you have recognized me! Now get your ass quickly to the car or I'll... – he hung up. I wasn't sure that he didn't want to tell me what he would do or he didn't know it either but I voted for the first option and hurried to the pink SX4 where he was waiting for me.

– Give me the key and finish your food 'coz you won't sit into my car with food in your hands; you could make it dirty.

I just rolled my eyes and ate the last bite of the gyros before sitting into his beloved _pink_ car.

– Here's the due – I wanted to give him back the money.

– Keep it, I have enough – he replied.

– Hey, don't you want to continue your story? – I asked as to divert the subject.

– I'd prefer telling you the rest at home.

I let him have the last word because I had realized that we had much in common: he was stubborn, hotheaded and extroverted like me; I didn't even talk to him until we got home, went into our joint room and he lay down on the bigger bed.

– Will you tell me the rest of the story now? – I lay next to him.

– If you get your hair out of my face... – he said.

– Sorry – I apologized immediately.

– Don't say sorry all the time, it's annoying – he snapped, but calmed down just as fast.

– S... fine, so will you continue?

– We have just established Seremedy, right? – he asked.

– Uhm, yes, something like that.

– So we were five guys in one band. We were extremely good and soon we went on a tour in Japan. Of course Dad was our manager – as he was mine now. In those times I was dressing like a girl – you know, visual style – and soon I realized that I wasn't average. I didn't tell it anyone – neither to Amalia, she wouldn't had understood me that time. I was dying inside but I had to bear it because of my career. But two years ago we broke the rule of not having a crush on a band-member with the singer. We were together for half a year but it turned out soon that it wouldn't work out. I told him to break up, I could see things clearly but he couldn't – he still had pink clouds around his head. He was shouting with me and we disbanded soon. Later in Japan I met a guy who I fell in love with. Now we're together for half a year. Oh, I don't know why I am telling all these to you! I just don't know you either! Awh, maybe to show you that there can't be... there won't be anything between us!

He looked at me like he had finished – and I looked at him like he hadn't.

– Er, no, I'm still virgin – he added.

– I wasn't interested in – I commented.

He was still staring at me like he didn't know what I wanted.

– Why are you famous now? – I asked.

– Oh, ooh, I'm a solo artist, a singer now in Japan and Sweden.

It shocked me. I was lying next to a star and I didn't know it either. I felt so stupid.

– You didn't know?

I nodded slowly.

– You fucking didn't know? My face is placated everywhere in Sweden, especially in Sundsvall! Oh, my God, you really didn't know...

– And that's why you needed a fake-girlfriend... – I whispered in Hungarian.

– Ehm, yes?

– I'm sleeping on the couch today – I stood up. – But now go out of the room.

– Who do you think you are to order me? – he got up angrily.

– Someone who's older than you, who _lives_ here and who you need.

He didn't say anything just went away.

I didn't mean to hurt him but I needed some time to think things over. I knew him for just one day but I had already saved his life twice: when I accepted his (their) offer of being his girlfriend for some time – even though I hated men nowadays because of the people who had fucked me over – I mainly thought of Norbi; and when we had had our first intimate moment thanks to his new pair of trousers. And he still hated me. And he was homosexual. And he hates me. And he's homosexual...

**24****th**** December, 2013.**

The couch wasn't as comfortable as I had thought. I tossed and turned all night and I could fall asleep just about dawn; and when I woke up at about half past noon I could see Emily smiling at me. She asked me if why I had slept there.

– I just wanted to try it out – I caressed her blonde hair.

Then Kevin hurried out of _my_ room:

– Wake up, Trixie, we have many things to do today!

When he had realized his sister he picked her up and took her into the kitchen.

– Hey, Dear, you should make some food for Emily! – he shouted from there.

– Who are you to order me? – I yelled back while standing up.

– The member of your boss' family so quickly! Come!

– I'm not a housekeeper, that's Rita... – I murmured for myself while taking the ten steps that separated me from the kitchen. – I'm here, Mr Precision – I said while rolling my eyes. – What is your order?

He told me what he wanted and I made some breakfast for each of us and as I could see they liked it. After finishing I asked Kevin about his further plans for today.

– My plan is to sleep until the sun goes down – he stretched. – But my friend, Evelina has a pre-Christmas party today... so we're going there.

– Pre-Christmas party on the twenty-fourth of December? – I raised my eyebrows.

– Of course! We usually celebrate Christmas on the twenty-fifth. So please go and get dressed, I have promised to do the shopping for the food – Eli wants to cook. I hope he won't ruin it – cooking isn't his strength. We'd better buy some semi-cooked food too – he mumbled for himself while I was going into my room without a single word.

I put on a pair of black stockings, my favourite long black skirt and a black turtleneck-sweater as not to catch cold. I was combing my hair when I could see Kevin coming in.

– Are you serious? – he asked. He was wearing his new pair of trousers and the tee I saw on him at the shop. He looked fantastic. – You really planned to go out to the street without a corset I had just bought you?

– We're just doing shopping guy so relax.

– Have you ever done shopping for a three-course meal for twenty people?

– As many people will be there?

– Oh, yes, half's Evelina's friends and half is her brother's.

– So you don't know the other part?

– We know them but we aren't the same group. But turning back to our previous topic – you should put on the blue corset so we will be dressed together.

– Awh, that's the most difficult to put on!

– Shall I help? – he asked a bit grumpily.

– Would you...?

– In other case I didn't offer – he came with the corset in his hands and he placed it on my waist, then, as helped me with doing the hooks his hand happened to touch mine.

– Sorry – he said with his eyes shot down and he began pulling the ribbon on my back to make the corset tighter. He touched my waist tenderly while doing this simple action.

– Nothing has happened so far – I said while I was trying to breathe. – Hey, man, I can't get any oxygen, make it looser!

– Oh, sor...

– If you apologize once more I won't forgive you – I said while I was laughing. – Thank you.

– Shall we go? – he asked in a more patient and calm way, his voice like touching velvet; I enjoyed hearing it. He offered his hand and I accepted, so we went to the hall and put our coats on then got into the car. He was wearing his sunglasses again and it frustrated me a bit so I asked:

– Do you really need to wear those on your head?

– Where shall I wear them? – he smiled.

– Hmm, I could show you – I held it in my hand and put its arm into my mouth.

– Hey, that was expensive don't chew it! – he pulled it from me and placed back onto his head.

– Where are we going? – I asked senseless. I was a bit huffy because of his jealous reaction.

– Bio-shops, supermarkets... and so one and so one... – he mumbled while turning on the corner.

Well, I'm not willing to write down the whole shopping-procedure I just want to mention one single moment: we were shopping for some cheese in a supermarket – and we always bought the ones Kevin thought the best – when I asked him about the dealing.

– What do you mean by this? – he asked back.

– You buy everything – and also the most expensive ones. How will they pay it back?

– I'm also calculating with the cheapest ones and I pay the quality gap for them.

– And why? – I asked wondering.

– Even though they have much less money than me I want them to have the best. – He smelled an edamese cheese before adding – They're my friends. My second family.

– Awh, I see.

– Don't you need an eye-pencil? – he asked after he had placed the cheese into the trolley.

– Why would I need? I don't use make-up.

– You should. Your long black hair makes your face pale. Come, we're going to buy you something that will look good on you.

– But Kevin, I really don't need – I disagreed.

– I don't care what you say you have to be beautiful when you first show up with me officially.

I felt really upset because of his comments but I knew I had to bear him and his behaviour so I followed him.

– I didn't mean that you're ugly – he said when I reached him. – I just meant that you're so pale without make-up.

– Pale – I raised my eyebrows – Have you seen my skin tone?

– You still look pale without make-up, Dear – he turned to me. I thought he wanted to do something with me when he stretched his hand into my direction but when his hand left my face and came back a simple second later with an eye-liner I sighed relieved.

– You'll need to do something with your nails as well... but at least your hair is OK – he said wondering.

– Awh, thank you! – I said offended.

– What's the problem? – he asked not understanding.

– Nothing, nothing. Don't you want to pay for a plastic surgery for me? – I asked ironically.

– Hmm... your breasts could be bigger.

– Hey, I wear 75B bras! – I said huffily.

– I was just pulling your leg! Your nose would need plastic surgery more...

It was the point when I got fed up with him. I withdrew to the reception desk offended and went out to the car. My nose was nearly the only part of my body that I hated apart from my belly – it was big and a bit hooked because of my Jewish forebears – and he was joking with that. I truly hated him because of it.

It took him five minutes to finish inside and get to the car and as he arrived he could see on my face that he'd better not say anything but pack into the car silently.

– Are we ready yet? – I asked him in the car.

– I think so. Let me see the list...

I gave him the piece of paper he needed. He was staring at it for some time before saying:

– Yes, we're ready with the party stuffs.

– Now you're taking me to your manicurist, right? – I sighed. I wasn't sure about what he wanted to do with my nails so I wasn't enthusiastic about his idea to go there.

– I didn't say with a single word that she was a manicurist, but I won't if you don't want to.

_What the Hell has just happened to you?_

– You're free to take me anywhere I – partly – work for you and you just specify my working-clothes – I said resigned.

– You'd better say your appearance. You know that I have no control above the way you dress 'coz you're so hotheaded and stubborn.

I didn't want to answer and he didn't insist me to do, we were just sitting next to each other and going somewhere. He phoned somebody before reaching to the girl who was going to make my nails, and there he introduced me to Agnes.

– What should we do with your nails? – she asked when I was sitting in front of her in her room. The walls were pink and the furniture was white; I already knew why they were so great friends with Kevin.

– A simple manicure would be too logical and mainstream... can you do some nail-art or something? – I asked.

– Decorated French manicure? – she asked back with a smirk, then turned to Kevin and asked him about something connected to using make-up in Swedish but I couldn't understand what she wanted.

– You should know that Beatrix can't speak Swedish, Darling – Kevin lay back in the armchair.

– I could understand that she was talking about using make-up, _Dear_!

– And could you understand _who _she was talking about?

– Er... no – I said surrender.

– Anyway, I'd be happy if you finished soon – he turned to Ages. – We have one more hour to get there.

– Is it so far away? – I asked.

– No but I want to do your make-up.

– Awh, make-up again! I've already told you that I hate using that!

– Heey, stop moving, you're ruining your nails! – Agnes scolded me.

– Oh, sorry again – I apologized.

– Agnes, will you be coming? – Kevin asked.

– I don't know yet – she said like she wanted him to persuade her. – Do you want me to go?

_Awh, phew, dirty bitch! Don't you know that he's gay?_

– I just asked – he said – if Dorian had invited you.

– Who's Dorian? – I asked Kevin.

– He's Evelina's twin brother.

– Oh, I see... – I said my eyes shot down. The words _twin_ and _brother_ brought me bad memories but I didn't want them see me weak.

– Are you fine? – Kevin came closer to me and crouched down next to me.

– He _has_ invited me but I don't know whether to go or not – Agnes said

– Of course I'm fine – I told Kevin. – I just had my eyes harmed by the lamp.

– You're ready – Agnes said as she applied the top coating – in a minute.

– Oh, thank you. What do I owe you? – I asked.

– Nothing, _he_ will pay for me when he takes me to the party – she said as she took her coat on.

Kevin reminded her that he wanted to do my make-up so she let us use her bathroom – but only with opened door – _as if we wanted to do anything._ She came in nearly every second and asked Kevin if she could help him; once when he was about to say something _nice_ to her I tightened his arm as to cool him down. I checked myself in the mirror when we got ready – I could see a beautiful girl with red lips, long black hair, amber eyes and black stripe above her eyelashes – but not myself. I was ugly and... ugly.

Agnes wanted to sit next to Kevin and sent me to the back – near to the stuffs we had bought. My gaze fell on Kevin and his on me – he was asking me to save him.

– Ehm, Agnes, isn't it a problem if I sit at the front? – I smiled awkwardly. Kevin could see that I wanted to save the saveable. – You know, I have some problems with my stomach if I sit on the backseat. And... and I hope you don't want to smell the things I puke.

It worked. I was so happy to see her letting me... no, pushing me to the front – and Kevin was so satisfied that he whispered a pale _thank you_ when I got into the car.

Agnes was sitting behind me so she couldn't reach Kevin as easily as she wanted to. I didn't know what this lass what thinking about herself but I could see clearly Kevin's displease of her when she wanted to get connected to him – anyhow. Luckily it only took as about fifteen minutes to reach the house we went to.

– Okay, babies, get out of my car quickly – he said after parking the vehicle.

– I'd prefer if just she went away – Agnes said in Swedish.

– Awh, Agnes, speak English if we are together, okay? – Kevin asked a bit angrily.

– Hey, guys, you two shouldn't argue. We're getting out and let him pack the food, right? One, two, come on – I clapped. Agnes got off huffily and I could see Kevin's sight.

– It's like she had a crush on you – he said while bowing his head back to the headrest. He didn't even look at me. – Can you understand?

– What if I said I was lesbian? – I asked suddenly – I didn't know why.

– Are you? – he asked back a bit senseless while turning his head slowly to my direction.

– No, I'm not but imagine – I got out of the car. – What would you react?

– I would say that I was happy that you understood my feelings but you aren't. When I told you what I am... – He opened the trunk.

– You are a human being just as she is or I am.

– When I told you that I was homosexual you decided to sleep on the couch. And you sent me out of the room as well – he held a bag and another one soon.

– I needed some time to think things over – I said and took the two bags from his hand. – I have one more hand so give me two more. Thank you – I said as he did.

– And what did you have to think over? – he asked by taking two more bags out.

– Oh, please, skip the topic – I said with tearful eyes as I looked at him. I knew that he was a fucking star, a fucking homosexual star and I would never get him. He was the man of my dreams with his perfect blonde hair, hazel eyes and that cute and wide smile and awh... I always lost in his eyes as I looked at him. His lips were to kiss them but they were _venomous poison_ as Alice Cooper said in the song. I think the moment that I fell in love with him was when I saw him in those jeans he was just wearing now.

A blonde girl had just run out of the house in pink hoodies. She was a bit plump and also beautiful – the one I could easily imagine on Kevin's side instead of myself.

– Hey, Yohio, hi! – she kissed Kevin on his cheeks three times.

_At least this habit was common with my old ones..._

– Who's this girl? – she asked in Swedish. – I haven't seen her anywhere yet.

– Evelina, she's Beatrix, my fake-girlfriend – the one I have already talked about.

– Oh, hi, I'm Evelina – she changed to English – but you're free to call me Eve – she kissed me on my cheeks. _So she wasn't jealous or anything else of me._

– Hello, my name's Beatrix but everyone calls me just Trixie – I said and returned her smile.

– We're here – Eve said as we got into the kitchen. – Just put the things out. Ehm, here's Eli, our cook – she introduced the guy standing in front of us and we shook hands. His touch was strong – I liked it. – Come on, guys, we're remaking our agreement because everyone's here – Eve said as she was pushing me into an unknown direction; and soon it turned out that we were heading towards the living room. Many people were sitting and standing there and nearly all gazes fell on me as I stepped in.

– Guys, come in – a boy said – he must have been Dorian. – So you all here: everyone knows the rule: nobody knows anything that is said or happens here, right?

They were talking in English – I guess because there were some more non-Swedish people apart from me.

– Hey, Yohio, who's... – the guy came closer to me and my fake-boyfriend.

– She's Trixie, my fake-girlfriend. She'll hold her tongue I promise – he answered.

– Oh, hi, I'm Dorian – he stretched his hand.

– Trixie – I replied and we shook hands. – Er, _Dear_, could we talk somewhere? – I asked Kevin.

– Oh, of course, I also wanted to smoke a cigarette. Let's go out.

I followed him through the house and we got out to the yard soon. As soon as we stepped out he took a cigarette out of his pack and tried to light it.

– Oh, my fucking lighter has just run out – he held the cigarette in his hand and leaned against the wall.

– Here, use mine – I gave him a new one.

– How impolite I am, do you want...? – he pushed the package to me.

– Oh, no, thanks, I don't smoke – I refused.

_I really didn't._

– Then why do you have a lighter? – he lit his cigarette and inhaled the smoke.

– For these cases. So what was this agreement about?

– I have already told you that we aren't good friends with the other part we just want to party here at the same time. – He held an exhaling-pause. – So we made a compromise: they don't know anything about my and my friends' privacy and we don't know anything about their weed.

– W... weed? – I asked a bit afraid.

– Yeah, what's the problem? – he asked back.

– Oh, I hope nothing...

– Hm, you know – he shrugged his shoulders. – Here's your lighter – he pushed it towards me.

– You can keep it, I don't really need it.

– Thanks – he took it into his pocket.

– Hey, guys, come in! – we could hear Eve's voice some minutes later, shouting, after she finished singing a song. – Don't you want to try it?

– Hey, it's a great fun, let's go in! – Kevin held my hand and pulled me inside.

– Oh what's this? – I asked as we got there.

– This would be good for you – he started a song. It was a popular track in Sweden but – he was unlucky – I knew it. It was Eric Saade's Masquerade that told about the singer's feelings for his love who hid behind a mask.

– She's surreal, she's dangerous and no one else can match those eyes... – I began singing; they were staring at me because of my tune-knowledge. While I sang the refrain (_We're both in this masquerade, what can I do to see you, the girl behind the mask? Our love was just a masquerade, I wanna get to know you, the girl behind the mask, I want a chance to feel you, the girl behind the mask._) I was seriously gazing at Kevin to show him that I _meant_ the lyrics not just sang it. When I finished they clapped but Kevin told me that it was a game that everyone had to sing a song he/she didn't know and later they listened to the original song.

– So now you'll get a new one – he added and he started to play a Versailles-track. Its title was _Amorphus_ but that was the only thing I could read – the subtitle was in Japanese so I couldn't read it. A to beat him I started to sing _Smells Like Nirvana_:

– I don't know what's these lyrics 'bout... – and so one. They laughed on my creativity and that I didn't know the tune and when I finished we listened to the original one – it was a hundred times worse that my performance I guess. But at least less creative.

– So you wanted me feel awkward? Let me see... – I went to the PC. They were using YouTube so I quickly searched Leander Rising's _Szívidomár_ (_Heart Tamer_ in English) and I stopped it until I gave Kevin the microphone. – It's in Hungarian. Good luck.

Of course Kevin couldn't gabble the lyrics as Leander did, he pronounced the words awkwardly and he didn't know the tune either. Then when they heard the original one – and saw the PV too – they were staring with opened mouth on the idiot guitarist, Attila Vörös, who played the girl's role and that Leander screamed.

– What is this song about? – Kevin asked. – It was a bit aggressive to me.

– It says that one-night-stand relationships are there to replace someone in your life not just for satisfying your needs. He has thought she can save him from this state but later he finds it out that everyone's replaceable. He wants her to enjoy herself tonight thanks to him and then he's gone because he realizes the fact that he's not The One for her just one in a row.

– Wow – Kevin commented. He couldn't get himself say anything else.

– So guys, come on, food is ready – Eli stepped in.

– Oh, shall I... – I wanted to offer.

– No, I have already told them – he said and we went to the dining room. One half of the tables were full – I looked through their faces and I noticed some well-known people. I swallowed hard; but luckily the one I really didn't want to meet wasn't there. We sat down and started to eat. I swear I didn't spend all my time with checking the other tables but – after some time – I realized that they were one person more. Of course it was _him_. After we finished with the cake he came to me; I was standing near Kevin and Agnes who tried to chat my roommate up hard.

– Er... Trixie... – Norbi began while he was scraping his nape. – Could we talk? – he asked finally. This was the only sentence I _really_ didn't want to hear. If he came to me with an _I love you, don't decline me!_ or if he came with an _I hate you, bitch!_ or perhaps with a _Who's this guy?!_ I could say... anything to him but I couldn't reject him in this situation. He was also speaking English – maybe he found it less informal, I didn't know.

– Er... of course. Could we go out? – I asked and he nodded. We took a certain step, and then suddenly I could feel a hand on my upper arm.

_Trixie_ – Kevin's eyes begged me – _please, don't go with him! Don't leave me here alone with her!_

– Sorry, Dear, I must go. We have some things we have to talk about – I whispered to him and kissed him on his right cheek, then Norbi and I went to the court and he lit a cigarette.

– How did you get here? – he asked senseless. Fortunately he couldn't see my facial expressions and neither did I.

– By car – I answered. I knew that it wasn't a good joke but I couldn't stand without saying it.

– Hahaha, really funny – he said ironically. – You shouldn't be here.

– Who says? I have the same right to be here as you – I replied. Now I could remember the only thing I hated in him except that he smoked weed: he was so mulish and wayward _and_ he thought he knew everything better than I did. Usually he wasn't right but he couldn't accept that he had already lost this battle.

– I could see the guests' list a month ago and your name wasn't there.

– I came with someone – I said. I didn't want to tell him that I came with Kevin.

Suddenly, I could hear a short creaky sound behind me, similar to opening doors' voice but I ignored it.

– I'm sorry, I regret everything – he said after a short break.

– W... what? – I asked widening my eyes.

– I'm sorry to interrogate you and to deceive you. I regret that on that day I lit that weed, I swear that was the last weed I smoked if you let me back to your heart – he said for my amazement. I didn't really know (I don't know it yet either) why I told him the things I was saying but words just came out of my mouth.

– I'm sorry, but I can't. I love somebody else.

– That blonde toothpick? – he asked upset. – Wind blows him before he could do anything to you!

His words slashed into my heart deeply. I knew he was right because Kevin... let's be honest, wasn't the huskiest guy I knew. And we also had quite an interesting relationship; we acted like we loved each other but we felt the opposite. Or... I didn't really know what we felt.

– N... no, it isn't him, how could you even think that? – We were still speaking in English.

– Then who? – he asked hungrily for information.

– You have nothing to do with my privacy – I turned to the entrance – where I could see Kevin leaning against the wall and watching me. His face was lighted by the lamp above the door making it a bit ghost-like, and he looked deeply in my eyes before storming in.

_Oh, fuck me!_

I followed him inside to explain him the situation but I bumped into Eve who was holding a plastic bottle in her hands.

– Oh, hi, come, play _Truth or Dare_ with us – she said and pushed me into a direction.

– Why do I feel that I'll end up naked? – I asked.

– Yeah, something like that – she smiled and we went into a room where, as I looked around, I could see nearly the half of our company – and of course Agnes sitting near Kevin. – Okay, as we're all here and we have a plastic bottle too we could begin. And no _shit on the ground_s as in Ted, please, I don't want to clean the rug.

Everyone laughed on Eve's joke and we promised not to say it, then sat down in a circle and Eve placed the bottle in the centre. I was sitting in front of Kevin and Agnes whose smug face was so irritating as _she_ was sitting near _my_... love.

Eve rolled and the cap of the bottle pointed strictly on me.

– Will you answer or dare? – Eve asked.

– I'd probably better answer – I replied slowly. My stomach shrank to a miniature golf-balls size while waiting for her question.

– What do you think of porn? – she asked. I couldn't have figured it out that she's so... perverse to take this question first.

– I mainly think that sex is about two, emotionally connected people so I don't appreciate they make money of it anyhow. – I held the bottle and rolled. The choice fell on Agnes. – Will you answer or dare? – I asked.

– I'd prefer dare – she said.

– Take a spider in your hands here – I ordered her. She wasn't willing to do that because she was afraid of spiders so she took her pullover off. Then she rolled out someone I didn't know – he had to sing _I Will Survive_ in a really high voice. Of course we took a video of him.

Naturally, there were many tasks we weren't willing to do – then we had to take some clothes off. The questions and tasks became more and more personal as time passed away (and beer dried up) so we found out that it would be better to take the question/task before rolling so it wouldn't be so personal and couldn't hurt anyone's rights.

It was Kevin's turn to roll someone. We were nearly in underwear – most people had already taken their T-shirts off; Kevin was in trousers and socks; I was wearing my tights and my corset. He was thinking for a question before asking it; looking deeply in my eyes meanwhile.

– Who are you in love with at the moment?

I was praying God not to choose me but somehow he had already hated me because the cap strictly fell on me. I swallowed before answering.

– Someone I don't really know and I will never be able to get – I said while gazing at him. He nodded respectfully and now it was my turn to order someone.

– Have you ever... lied about your feelings? – I asked and rolled the bottle strongly. Agnes was staring at it as it stopped because it was her turn to answer.

– Uhm, yes, I think so but who hasn't? – she asked and continued. – The one who'll be rolled out has to kiss his or her opposite-sexed neighbour.

It was a plain attack from her for getting Kevin. Of course that Bitches expectations became true and as her other neighbour was a girl she could kiss him. As I could see the bottle slowing down before and in front of her I stood up, put my clothes on and went out of the room. I wasn't interested in _her_ wet kiss with _my_ love.

I have found out to seek a quiet and lonely place and cry my eyes out so I began checking the rooms in the house. On the first floor the rooms were used – people were watching movies or – perhaps – had sex inside. I _really_ wasn't interested in other's naked asses at this time so I didn't go in just knocked. As I couldn't find any space upstairs – and it began snowing outside – I checked the kitchen where Eli tried to chat a girl up with less success he had expected.

_Kitchen's gone, where else could I go?_

I desperately opened the last door I hadn't tried yet; it opened to a long line of stairs. On the left side there was a light-switch I could easily find and as I went down the stairs I could feel colder and colder; it must have been a cellar out of use. Or...

– Wow, what's this? – I stepped in front of a big wooden door. It was newly made – its colour and lacquer couldn't be older than one or two years. I was freezing without my sweater but my curiosity ruled me; I couldn't turn back. I could feel happy to have my skirt and corset on me.

I carefully opened the door that moved without a single noise. As I stepped in I could feel that it was much warmer inside – but I still would needed a pullover or anything because my shoulders were bare. I switched the outside lamp on and the insider on, I didn't want anyone to find me; then glanced around quickly as the light flashed up and my gaze fell on a piece of clothing immediately: it was a male-sized SX-jumper in black colour. It couldn't have been anyone else's but Kevin's because he was the only one who wore such small-sized clothes and I also could smell his scent: chocolate with a pinch of chili. I was sure he was the only one who used this aroma.

The jumper was clean – but it wasn't used for weeks; a thin dust-layer covered it – so I put it on rapidly. Now I could feel warmer outside but much colder inside as I was wearing something that was his, that has already touched his skin several times. I broke down suddenly, my legs weren't strong enough to hold me anymore and so did my heart. I felt like someone would tear it out slowly as to make the pain more strong but kept the nerves between my body and my organ and would wring the blood out of it with as much accuracy as not to leave any drip inside. I fell on the sofa, switched the light off and began to cry. I didn't care about my clothes, my make-up or my hair; I just wanted to make this feeling end, to wake up, to die... anything instead of suffering from the strongest weapon: love.

I didn't know for how long I was lying there but it felt like minutes were hours; then all out of a sudden my phone started to ring. It was Kevin so I didn't answer it, I didn't want him to hear my broken voice. Later I got a message from him:

_"__What happened, girl, I can't find you anywhere! Hope you're fine and didn't escape into the cold night in a simple corset. Call me back if you wish. I worry for you._

_Kevin"_

Tears flew into my eyes. _He cared about me!_ I knew it was just friendship that connected us but it was more I've ever wished. Somehow I earned his friendship and it was more than enough. It made me cry again but now I was grinning widely and kissed the pillow I found near me a hundred times before hugging it and just enjoying the embrace. I didn't even notice as the door opened and someone came in until he came to me and gave a soft kiss on my forehead; making me start.

– I brought you back your clothes – he said clumsily with my sweater in his hands.

– Th-thank you, then I'd better to give you back yours – I tried to smile at him.

– Oh, really, that's mine. I hadn't recognized. So here you are – he pushed my sweater towards me and I took his one off.

– Er, could you please help again with the corset? – I asked him. – It's not so easy to take it off.

– Oh, of course, let me see... – He came closer and began switching the clamps off with much care; as he went lower and lower I could breathe easier and easier.

– Thank you, I have nearly died in it. – I put on the sweater he gave me. We were standing in front of each other and didn't say anything. It was a really frustrating situation but finally he broke the silence.

– Trixie, can I ask you something... personal? – he glanced at me.

– At the outside I won't answer – I said with lack of confidence.

– Then... don't we want to sit down? – he asked and soon we were sitting near each other on the place I had just cried some minutes ago. He held my hands as good friends do when they want to tell the other something important. – Why did you run away? – he asked finally after gazing my eyes. His gaze didn't tell me anything, if I could see inside his head I would have been in a much easier situation.

– I... I don't really know, I... I just hate watching people kissing in front of me and... and I also got fed up with feelings for today – I answered. He didn't want to pause me.

– Yeah, here comes my other question – he continued. – Who was that guy?

– What did you hear from our conversation? – I asked quickly.

– That he wanted to "get you back" – he showed the quotation marks. – And the rest of course.

– Hh... – I sighed. So he knew that I strictly denied that I loved him. _But why is it actually a problem? He plays in the same team as I do. But then why did he get upset?_

He didn't accelerate me just waited for me getting myself ready to tell him the story.

– He's my ex. We were dating for less than two months. – I stopped as to let him some time to react but he was just holding my hands and looking deeply into my eyes – until he reached to the bottom of my soul. – We broke up because of weed. – I looked at his eyes but I couldn't stand his gaze. – It's a long story.

– I have time – he said seriously.

– The short story is that I got to know that he smoked weed and I told him to choose between that shit and me. He chose me but when a month later I went to a surprise-visit he was sitting in front of a crappy film and laughed totally high. I deleted his number and did the same with mine in his phone and told him that it has ended.

He was still staring at me but I couldn't get anything out of him.

– He broke his promise – I said as an ending for the story.

– And he wanted to beg himself back to you because he had realized that his life was shit without you – he summarized.

– Something like that – I answered.

– And why do you hate weed so much as to break up because of it? – he asked hungrily for information.

– Do you smoke it too? – I asked scared.

– No, I'm just interested in your opinion. If people don't smoke it in front of me and I don't meet them in high state I don't care of it – he said. – Now it's your turn to speak about yourself.

– Lie down here, it will be really long.

– Could I use your... – he asked by pointing at my body.

– What? – I raised my eyebrows. – Ah, my belly as a pillow? Of course. Do you lie comfortably? – I asked. A pale _uhm_ was given so _yes_.

He gave a soft kiss on my right hand before he let me begin the story: _It was on our sixteenth birthday. My family had just moved to the house we were living in; my twin and me had new friends... everything was good, nearly perfect._

_– __Hey, don't we wanna go and party at the Viking? – a guy asked Danny, my brother. Everyone approved the idea – that was the most expensive pub in rocker society in our town._

_It was summer, we just put a pullover into our bags because we somehow knew that we would get home late. That night changed many things in my life; I wasn't a really childish someone either before but that night I somehow grew up. Yeah, I still love childish things but I can behave as an adult easily._

_So we went out of the house with our new friends. The pub was some streets further; we got there soon but on the way we ten eliminated two litres of wine. I hate wine. Then the party in the Viking was crowded – there was a concert. We were young and naïve and we drank everything others brought and although we were difficult to make drunk they succeeded – from our money of course. Later when we were drunk enough a guy suggested that we should go out for lighting a cigarette. I was the one who was more sober than Danny so I went with him to take care of him._

_The bigger part of the company stayed in and just we three went out. The guy directed us to an unknown area of the town – it was dirty and lonely. He lit a cigarette and asked us if we needed some of it; Danny accepted blindly and forced me to try it out too. Then when the first cigarette had been finished the guy lit another one. He smoked a really tiny part of it – he wanted us to use it. When the second have finished he gave us a third cigarette but now he asked for money. It was one gram we bought. Yeah, it was weed. When Danny gave him the money he asked for – the guy disappeared. Maybe the drug caused, maybe he was so fast but he disappeared without a single sign._

_I told Danny not to smoke the rest but he was stubborn: he placed the cigarette in my mouth and made me breathe in the smoke. He enjoyed the drug – I didn't. He thought that I would enjoy the drug if he gave me or I didn't know. Later when he had already finished for some time he collapsed without a single sign. I knew that if I called the ambulance they would inform the police and we would get a nice police-affair, and we could even go to prison and do the same with the others so I was just squatting near my martyr brother who was asking for some help. I knew I couldn't help him although I thought he would die then and there. Only after a suffered half an hour did he become better so that we could go back home and send a message to the others that we were well, they didn't have to worry about us._

_I didn't either smoke much before – especially not weed – but that day when I could see my brother in cramp on the ground I vowed that I would never smoke any kinds of cigarettes again._

By the five minutes I was telling him my story – sometimes with pausing for some teardrops – he didn't stop caressing my right hand.

– What has happened to your brother so far? – he asked after a longer break.

– He... – I swallowed – he died a month before Mom and I came to Sweden with... with Dad.

– Oh, sorry to ask. – He held my hand and gave a soft kiss onto again. – Awh, I just love this place. I can't imagine how Eve and Dorian could just leave it like this. – He caressed my hand. – Shall we go up?

– Oh, ooh, if you wish to...

We got up and he helped me with putting the corset on me again. On the way up we were silent which I broke.

– You didn't want them think that we were doing _that_, uh?

– Well, I'd say that I just disappeared as you so they didn't know where I was.

A silence-break came again until we got to the door of Eve's room.

– I'm sure they could see some kisses instead of mine – he said and opened the door as not to let me any time to ask back.

_He didn't let her kiss him? Or what was he just talking about?_

They were still sitting in a circle inside.

– Ah, so you have finished? – Eve asked laughing but I could see Agnes's pale face as we two stepped in.

– Yeah, I have found her – Kevin said and we sat back to our previous places.

– So you still play this? – I pointed at the bottle.

– Yeah, so please, if you wish to stay get your clothes off – Agnes said.

– Ah, right, okay... – I said and pulled my sweater off under my corset and took off my skirt as Kevin did with his T-shirt. His bare chest was really... wasn't masculine.

– So... hmm... the one who's rolled out will have to sing _Old McDonald_ while wearing a pair of oversized bras.

It was that guy again who had to sing _I Will Survive_ before. He was really funny in Eve's pink bras and later when he finished he said:

– And those two who the bottle will point at must kiss.

– Ah, no, Sebbie, again? – Eve asked.

_So he was the famous Sebbie, who had shown Kevin Visual Kei..._

– Yeah, of course! Here we go... – he rolled the bottle. As I had already mentioned it wasn't my fortune-day: I was sitting strictly in front of Kevin and the bottle pointed strictly at him... He swallowed hard before coming to me and giving a soft kiss onto my left cheek.

– Ah, you guys don't take it serious! – somebody said but we didn't care – we have already lost in each other's gaze. I could see uncertainty in his eyes: I was sure he was thinking of his boyfriend in Japan and of whether doing the thing he wanted to do or not.

– It was just a peck, guy, take your trousers off! – Agnes held Kevin by his hip and wanted to pull him back but he didn't allow her win and kissed my lips tenderly. Then he sat back and saw me standing up and going out into the cold night in a simple corset...

When I was pulling my boots onto my feet he reached me. He didn't talk – he knew that words weren't enough to say anything in this situation – just gave me my clothes and a piece of paper with some money. I didn't accept it from his hands so he placed them near me and went back. I put my clothes on and took the money he gave me and although I didn't really want to read the paper because I thought that an emotional letter will be written onto it, my curiosity ended up stronger than my proudest.

_"__I somehow knew that this moment would happen but I hoped that no, it wouldn't, you would stay with me. Here are the buses which can take you home easily and the money you'll need. I'm really sorry I can't take you home – I must stay, I'm the only one who can take the other drunk beasts home by car. __J_

_Kiss:_

_K"_

The timetable was packed into the letter; the last bus left at five to eleven. I knew there was a bus stop in front of the house so I quickly glanced at my phone: it was eight to eleven.

_Eight to eleven!_

I had to run quickly and I could catch the bus on time.

– Good evening, Sundsvall, Centre – I panted as I stepped onto the vehicle and gave the driver the money; then he gave me the piece of paper without a single word and I went to seek some seat. I could find one next to a young girl.

– Hey, Trixie, how are you? – she asked in Carina's voice.

– Awh, hi! Well, thanks, I'm fine, how about you?

– Imagine, I'm coming from Janina. I told my parents that I was going to spend Christmas there while they was on meetings and they took me here although I was staying with Eric.

– So you lied 'em? – I asked.

– I had to, you know, they are so narrow-minded and conservative so they don't let me stay at him. They worry about my... haha... virginity – she grinned.

– Awh, nice – I said and gave her a pair of thumbs ironically. – Why don't you tell them that you aren't a small girl yet? – I asked.

– They wouldn't understand me and... oh, it's my stop. It was really nice to meet you, bye! – she took off so I stayed alone.

I got home at about half past eleven and I fell asleep at midnight; my last thought was the touch of Kevin's lips. I knew that at that very moment something began, something more than the chemistry between us but I could figure it out yet.

**25****th**** December, 2013.**

As today I woke up and went to the kitchen for having a breakfast I became an ear-witness of an interesting conversation between Tommy and Kevin... I just closed the door of my room when I could hear my boss' voice talking furiously.

– No, Son, listen to me this time! You can't afford behaving so childish at your age! Sending her home by bus was the least adult thing you could do! And if someone robbed her? Or perhaps raped? Where do you keep your mind? She can't even call the police or... or ask for help! She could have been lost! No, don't look at me like this! You exactly knew what could happen to her and you let her go! – he panted.

– She wanted to go I just let her do. I knew I couldn't keep her more. You know she's so stubborn – Kevin said with deadly calm.

– I couldn't had forgiven myself that I let her go with you if something had happened to her! You'll do the same with Emily if she grows up, uh? – Tommy asked with fatherly love.

– So you compare her with my sister? No, she'll never reach her! Never!

This single sentence broke me down. _So our kiss didn't mean anything to him? _I leaned against the wall because my legs couldn't hold me anymore. The world began rolling around me and I found myself in total darkness soon.

When I became conscious again I could see two pairs of eyes staring at me apprehensively. One was Tommy's and one... yeah, those two eyes I'd love and hate to see.

– Are you fine? – Kevin asked with worried face.

– Yeah, of course – I answered but actually I wasn't. Our kiss didn't mean anything to him while it meant the whole world for me.

– What happened? – Tommy looked at me.

– I don't know, maybe I was hungry and tired and weak...

– Ah, I see, shall I make you some breakfast? – Kevin asked and picked me up. Of course this picking up meant that he helped me to go to the kitchen because he couldn't lift me; and when we got there he made me sit down.

– Ah, you don't have to care about me so much, I can cook for myself.

– I don't care I want to do it – he said and placed a plate in front of me.

– A sandwich? – I laughed and bit one.

– Yeah, it's the only thing I can cook... LOL, did I say cook? I mean make.

– Uhm... – I mumbled.

– And I know you hate fish so there's bacon in it.

I stopped eating for some time.

_He really knew it! Wow!_

– How did you know? – I asked finally.

– A little bird sang to me – he smiled and caressed my head. Then he went out and I was left alone. Later when I had already finished eating I found him in our room.

– What are you doing? – I asked him and he raised a pack.

– I'm packing Christmas-presents – he said.

– Oh, thank you for reminding me, I didn't have time for that! – I yelled and looked for some boxes.

– Hey, calm down, here they are – he pointed to a direction where I could find boxes in nearly every size. I sighed and sat down.

– What's this music, man, could you please change it? – I asked as I noticed Christmas-songs. I hated them; I thought they were just for making this American Christmas-habit stronger that we _must_ pay fortunes for presents.

– To what? – he asked and stopped the music.

– Hmm... I've never heard your music. And what if someone asks me which song of yours I like the most?

– Okay, I have a disc that contains all of them – he said and started a song. It was a guitar-solo and he said its title was _Frantic Elegance_.

After we had finished it got into my mind that...

_THAT I HAD NO PRESENT FOR KEVIN!_

Suddenly his laptop began tweeting. It was a Skype-call, I was sure. He glanced at me surprised, then onto the screen, and answered after a sigh.

– Hai? Ah, konichiwa, Sakura-chan!

_So he was talking to a Japanese girl..._

– Kevin... I know it's your turn today but shall I do the dishes for you? – I asked shyly.

– Oh, ooh, would you...? – he looked at me thankfully.

– Of course, in other case I didn't offer... – I said and went out of the room. As I closed the door I sighed and leaned against the wall, then went to the kitchen and did my things. I was thinking of a good present for Kevin and when I finished I already had a great idea. I went to our room and I couldn't find Kevin inside so I quickly packed my _idea_ in a well-sized box and I put paper on it. I wrote _Merry Christmas!_ onto it and lay down on the bed. I could hear that Kevin's songs were still played and as I enjoyed listening to them I let them go; but suddenly somebody knocked on the door.

– Yeah, anyone's that, just come in! – I yelled and as the door opened Kevin stepped into the room.

– Oh, my music? – he asked embarrassed.

– Uhm, yeah. What do you want? – I asked senseless.

– I just wanted to ask... – he took a break and I looked at him like I didn't understand him. – If you have heard anything of our conversation with...

– Sakura? – I asked and he looked at me with a surprised face.

– Uhm, yes. How...

– Kawaii hime, I can speak some Japanese words. But no, I just heard that you welcomed her.

– Oh – he sat down and watched his feet. – Why did you call me _hime_?

– Because you usually behave like a spoilt eight-year-old princess.

– Her brother broke up with me – he announced dryly

– W... what? – I glanced at him but he still gazed his feet like it was the most interesting thing in his life.

– Hh... I have already told you that I had a boyfriend from Japan, right? – As I nodded slowly he continued. – His sister called me to tell me the bad news that her brother had read an article about me and my girlfriend, cheated on me and wanted to break up.

A new song started at the background and he again stared at his feet. His voice soon began singing _The taste of love is bittersweet..._ but the real him was just sitting in silence.

– It's not Heartbreak Hotel, it's Heartbreak Reality.

– I exactly know how you feel – I said and I found myself grasping my diary.

– How could you know how it feels when somebody you used to love unconditionally cheats on you? – he asked hysterically and I could see a teardrop in his left eye. He must have loved that guy if losing him caused this with him.

– Just read this – I stretched the book in my hands in his direction. I wanted to share my deepest secrets with him.

– But... – he opened. – It's your diary! No, I just can't get myself to read anyone else's.

– It's in English, right? – I asked and after his nod I continued. – And also I gave you, I wanted you to read, right? I want to know you through your music and now I give you the easier way so Nike.

– What the fuck? – he asked by raising his eyebrows.

– Hh... – I exhaled before saying – Just do it.

– Right here? – he looked at me after checking the first sentence.

– Well, you can stay if you wish – I smiled and pushed the black-purple secessionist-patterned book in front of him; he glanced up at me before he started to read it. After the first couple of lines he wanted to finish it but I told him to continue because there would be better parts too. His facial expressions clearly showed his relationship with the happenings in my life: when I was happy – he was happy but when something bad happened to me his face was even sad or angry. Later, as the days became longer and more readable, he enjoyed them more and more. After an hour – he was reading the 16th of August then – I went out to the kitchen to make some food and as I went in with the two sandwiches – I had already eaten one – I could see something interesting that I couldn't stand without mentioning.

– Man, are you wearing glasses? – I went closer to him as he looked at me.

– Yes. May you have thought that my iris is able to change colours? I wear contact lenses – he smiled, got up, came to me and hugged me. – I didn't keep reading while you weren't here.

– Okay then, don't you want to continue?

– Wasn't it enough? I know the half of your life – he said but I "forced" him to do. We lay back to the double-bed and he began reading again. Then he got to know my things with Norbi. When he got to the point where I met him he looked at me. I hesitated for some minutes but then I thought that if he had started he should finish it too so I nodded.

He spent fifteen more minutes with reading – he skipped some parts he had already known. After finishing he looked somehow _else_ at me. He knew the most important happenings of my life, he knew what I thought of him day by day...

– And what will you write for today? – he asked by looking at my eyes.

– The truth – I smiled and gave a soft kiss onto his right cheek. He smiled at me and touched my nose with his one. His eyes were laughing at mines and I smiled at him. I needed to control myself strongly as not to kiss him but I was successful. We touched each other's forehead with our own. I knew he thought of me as a friend but I didn't care, it was enough for me – or at least I wanted to convince myself about it. I didn't really want any men to be in my life. Well, I dint want anyone in my life just friends and family.

– Don't we wanna go out? – he asked finally. – The others may mistake this situa... – The door opened and Amalia stepped in.

– Ah, you two – she smiled and went out of the room.

– Hey, Mom, we just... – Kevin jumped up and followed her. A minute later he came back and said – I tried to explain her but she just smiled. Anyways, Dad told us to take the presents out.

– Ah, 'kay, let's go – I answered and held the boxes. He did the same and as we got to the door he gently opened it for me. When we got out I could see a flash and then Tommy's grin.

– We must keep the illusion of your relationship, guys, so we thought of taking photos of you – he said as we placed the presents under the tree.

We learned some Swedish Christmas-songs with Emily – it was a bit easier for me because at least I knew the tune.

First we had a delicious dinner and then we opened our presents. Everyone got the things he/she had expected except Kevin and I. I knew that the Family would buy me some perfume – I chose it with Amalia. Its scent was red-fruit (cranberry, strawberry, raspberry, redcurrant and cherry) and I really liked it.

Kevin wanted me to open my present first but I gently passed this chance to the younger one. He glanced me a bit upset – nearly grinned – but he accepted. He began opening it slowly. As he raised the nearly-opened box he gazed at me curiously; he couldn't figure out his present from its voice so he placed it down sadly. I edged much closer to him to see his facial expressions in premier plane. He opened the box, glanced in quickly, closed it and grinned at us, leaving his right hand inside.

– What did you get? – Emily asked. Kevin slowly pulled his hand out with his new acquisition.

– Do you like it? – I asked.

– I love it – he grinned at me and Tommy took a picture of us with his present, Kevin, the reindeer. – But it was your _best friend_, wasn't it?

– Just was, now, it's you – I smiled and he gave me a peck. Now it was my turn to open my present. I cleaned the box fast but opened it slowly. As I saw what was inside I jumped at Kevin hugging him. – You really bought it? I love you – I said and burst out in tears.

– Hey, what's that? Girl, don't cry – he hugged me back by lying on the ground under me and caressed my back. – Shh, no problem, I'm here... – he whispered into my ears.

– I love you – I cried in Hungarian so he didn't understand it. – I love you and although... although I know you... you don't feel the same... I... I don't care. I'll... play the role you... you gave me. And... and thanks for everything... thank you... I love you...


	4. Extra - Parts Of Tommy's Diary

Parts of Tommy's diary

– or events behind the scenes

**22nd September, 2012.**

[...]Today my son wanted to talk with me seriously and he told me that he was... homosexual! Oh, what a ridiculous idea! He's interested in sex with men! My only son! I just can't imagine how he could have made this whole stupidity up... [...]

_many times from_ **22nd September, 2012.** _to_ **27th June, 2013.**

[...]How could I make him realize that women are better? [...]

**23rd September, 2012.**

[...]Amalia thinks we should get his friend, Evelina to have a crush on him but... awh, I just think that friends are for being friends and not for becoming girl- or boyfriends. I really do have no idea what I should do... [...]

**28th June, 2013.**

[...]I have an idea! He loves his sister. I should call a girl for... babysitting her and then ask her to deal with my son when he arrives back from Japan. But for what reason? Oh, never mind, I have time, he will come home only some days before Christmas. [...]

**30th June, 2013.**

[...]Everyone knew too much but tomorrow I'm meeting a girl from Hungary. I think it's far enough for her not to know us. [...]

**1st July, 2013.**

[...]The girl's just perfect. She likes metal! \m/ [...]

**12th July, 2013.**

[...]Happy 18th birthday, Son! [...]

**15th December, 2013.**

[...]Every fan asks in their letter if we could show the girl whom "You're The One" was written for. I have to find out something soon... [...]

**16th December, 2013.**

[...]I have to tell her that my son is a bigger star than I am. And that he arrives in a week. Amalia says that if I don't tell her then she will do but he's my son I have to go through this. [...]

**22nd December, 2013.**

They hate each other! WHY? God, what have I done?! [...]

She could play the role of his girlfriend as to calm the fans down! Knowing the circumstances I do really hope she will take pity on us and play the role... and that they'll get to like one another in a really few time. [...]

**25th December, 2013.**

[...]They say they're just _friends _but I hope it will turn into something else soon... Also Amalia says she thinks they will fall in love sooner or later but who knows? [...]


	5. 3 - Fallen Between Two Feasts

Chapter Three: Fallen Between Two Feasts

**27****th**** December, 2013.**

Yesterday we moved to Kevin's apartment and I got to know his lovely puppy, Luna. She was so cute so after moving in I spent the rest of my time with playing with her. Next day in the morning I had a lovely breakfast with a lovely man – and then a bit frustrating conversation...

– What do you think of cheating on someone? – he asked all out of a sudden, while we were sitting on the sofa, with curiosity in his eyes.

– Ah, you ask me this because you know it has happened to me as well and you want to hear the same as you think from someone else's mouth?

He was thinking for a while before nodding slowly.

– Then I won't give you this pleasure but you will be able to hear my own opinion.

He didn't say anything just waited for me to continue.

– You shouldn't think that – as someone who has already been a victim of cheating – I will say that it's a disgusting thing and kill everyone who does but I do think of it in a more... loyal way. – I paused again but he didn't say anything. – At first I think that if you really love someone you just can't get yourself to cheat on him or her, because – although he or she may not be the best in the intimate moments – love is a stronger feeling than the body's desire. On the other hand I still say that it's better to be single than to live in a bad relationship – or in one which is based on lies.

– And what do you mean by this? – he glanced at me.

– Be happy that it has ended because he didn't love you enough.

– Ah... – he said and began staring at his feet again – he didn't want to face his problems, I was so sure. – Oh, shit, I hate men! – he hit his thigh and looked at me. – Teach me how to deal with women.

– W... what? – I asked by raising my eyebrows.

– Teach me how to deal with women, please.

– Why? – I asked again. I didn't understand his plan yet.

– I always say I'm heterosexual – now I want to try it out.

– You... you have never tried? – I stared at him. I somehow thought he had a girlfriend before who wasn't nice to him and that's why he chose men one day.

– Do you want to hear the story of the poor, small Kevin who was always bullied at school?

– Oh, of course – I replied. – I want to know everything about you!

– This will be a long morning as I see...

– Yeah, because in ten minutes you have to be at a rehearsal.

– Oh, is it that time? And how did you know? Ah – he glanced behind himself where he could see his calendar. – Shit, we must hurry – he stood up and went to get on his coat.

– Are you sure you wanna go like _this_? – I asked. As he was wearing pants and a T-shirt he would have looked really funny on the street. – You should take at least a pair of trousers on.

– Yeah, I guess you're right – he said and left to the other direction. – Don't you wanna come? – he asked from the door by pointing at me.

– Ah, aah I can if you wish to – I said as I stood up. I put a pair of black jeans and a purple sweater on fast – I took care of always wearing something colourful – and my Christmas-present I got from him: the beautiful black corset I saw at the Halo of the Demon five days ago. On my way out I bumped into my ex-roommate.

– Wow, you look great in it – he said.

– First lesson: passed with A+ – I answered by rising my right thumb.

– What kind of lesson? – he raised his eyebrows.

– Of becoming a real man. First lesson for you: say spontaneous compliments to women – they'll love it – especially your fangirls – I added a bit revolted.

– Ookay but now take your shoes on and get into the car quickly – he ordered me and when I showed my tongue he hit the back of my head friendly.

On the way we didn't talk – we were in a hurry. We got there ten minutes later although we left in time to get there in time and there was no traffic jam either. Somehow this day was a bit unlucky.

– Hey, guys, how are you? – Kevin stepped in the room where the members of his band were waiting bored; but when we two stepped in they looked at us with a murderous gaze. Kevin ignored their behaviour and pulled me closer to him. – Let me introduce you my new roommate and friend, my fake-girlfriend, Beatrix.

– Hi – I said clumsily as I waved them smiling.

– Yohio, you arrived late – again – a guy said. He had a pink stripe in his brown hair and a really characteristic face.

– Sorry, Fredrik, you know, half an hour earlier from now we had our breakfast and didn't know about the time.

– Ah, you, man, if every time you arrived late I got a dollar... – Fredrik said wondering. We laughed and then Kevin told them to practice some songs before showing them a new writing as an apology.

They played the songs I have already heard when I was packing presents with him but as I could concentrate on them now they sounded somehow different.

– And now a song for my Sweet-Dear Only-One-Girl... who doesn't know at all what happens with her at the moment – he laughed because I totally absorbed in watching his facial expressions as he redefined his own lyrics as he sang and I shivered as he began talking.

The band began playing a typical pop-song with pop-beat and I tried not to show that I didn't really like it.

– Waking up at six a.m. now it's time a... – he sang but he burst out laughing as he saw doubt on my face. – Stop, stop! – he laughed and the music stopped. – Why are you looking at me like this? – he asked and came to me with the microphone.

– Ah, you really sing that you wake up at six in the morning? – I laughed. – Is there anyone who believes it? Next time sing six p.m. – I advised him. – You know when today at eight I tried to wake you up you didn't even notice me just turned to your right side and stopped snoring. – The guys began laughing again; I was sure they knew this habit of his. – This guy sleeps like a real log and he snores awfully – I pointed at him laughing.

– Okay, okay, thank you for your account about my sleeping habits and get to the work again – he grinned and went back to his mic-stand. Now they could play the whole song in one – his guitar-solo was fantastic – and then he asked me about my opinion.

– Man, if I hear you singing this song some more times in the near future I'll become jealous – I joked.

– Don't be jealous, everyone thinks that I wrote this song for my Sweet-Dear Only-One, so you – he lay back on the sofa near me.

– Ah, I see – I answered and secretly I was a bit huffy that the song that was _written for me_ was like a cute cotton-candy-flavoured lollipop and not a frantic glam-metal (like Leander – Bound to Belong).

– Trixie, could you please get me some chocolate-cappuccino from the shop nearby? – Kevin asked and pushed some coins into my hand. – And feel free to buy something for yourself as well – he added as I stood up.

I could find the shop easily but I could afford just a strawberry-lollipop because Kevin was a bit mean. Yeah, yeah, I know that offering money for buying anything for myself is generous but he could think of my bottomless stomach as well! J

I got back ten minutes later – they were still sitting on the couches.

– Hi, guys – I went closer and I sat near Kevin. – Here you are – I gave him his chocolate-cappuccino but I was too fast so some brown liquid landed on his white trousers.

– Hey, what are you doing? Ah – he got up angrily – you have just ruined my favourite jeans!

– Hey, heey, cool down! – I tried to calm him down. – I can wash it if you wish to – I said as I held a wet tissue and cleaned the blur. – Ah, God, I'm really sorry – I apologized. – I can run home and bring another one if you wish me to – I said.

– Ah, just don't care of it, it's not as important.

– Are you sure? – I stopped cleaning as I looked up at him.

– Yes, yes, you aren't my employee.

– But I am – I said by letting my face down and watching the blur again.

– But you play a role not wash my clothes – he raised my chin and looked in my eyes. – Ah, what flavour is that?

– What? – I asked back because I didn't know what he was talking about.

– Your lollipop. Is it strawberry-flavoured?

– I'd say fakeberry – I laughed. He pulled it out of my mouth and placed into his.

– Ah, it's delicious – he mumbled and I couldn't get him give me that back any more.

At home he didn't let me to cook – he wanted me to talk about women's spirit instead.

– Are you afraid of my food? – I laughed but he looked at me seriously. – Ah, man, look at me, I'm not a typical girl as you can see. I can't really talk about women in general maximum of myself.

– No problem then – he lay back on the sofa near me. – What do you look at on a man at first?

– Hmm... – I thought it over; I was holding my chin as well. – I look at his eyes at first, then his lips, his nose, hair and facial hair. You know as to see whether he's well-groomed or not.

– What can you see on me? – he asked suddenly after a short break.

– Beautiful eyes, beautiful lips, nice nose and wonderful hair – I smiled.

– So you like me? – he looked at the ceiling.

– Ah, man, you know everything – I said. – You've read my diary.

– Really... here's food – he got up and held his purse. – Could you please take it? I don't want everyone to know my address.

– Ookay – I got up as I heard the bell.

The man who was standing in front of me was a bit older than me. He didn't even look at me just said in Swedish:

– Good evening. Have you ordered Chinese food?

– I guess so – I answered and I gave him the money.

– It will cost... ah, thank you – he said and gave me the packs. – Bye.

– Bye, have a nice day! – I smiled and went in.

– God, girl, you... – Kevin started but I stopped him.

– Decide who – I laughed and placed the two packages onto the table. They smelled delicious. – Anyway, what did you want to say? – I turned to him.

– ...you spoke Swedish! – he said finally. In Swedish.

– Yeah, I can speak some as I've been living here for more than six months... – I sat down and opened a box. – It looks fantastic – I said.

– You're welcome – he sat down too and broke the chopsticks as to use them.

– Ah, really, thank you – I smiled and started to eat.

– So if you speak Swedish – he turned back to the topic – why do you use English then?

– Let me see – I looked at him. – My mother tongue is Hungarian and yours is Swedish. It's not fair to use anyone's if we can speak one that we both learned at school. But of course you're still better at it – I added a pale compliment, making him smile slightly, then we continued eating in silence. Some minutes later Luna came there and she asked for her dinner. I glanced at Kevin but I could see that he's daydreaming so I stood up and gave some food for the little black girl. Then I got back and I found Kevin still sitting at the table. He said he wasn't hungry so he let me eat the food he had left. With this sentence he went to his room and came back some minutes later with his guitar, then sat in front of me.

– What do you want to do? – I smiled.

– I think I owe you a song – he said and he was ready to play his musical instrument.

– No, you owe me nothing but a fakeberry-lollipop – I laughed. Then I didn't laugh when he placed the guitar down, went to the dresser and turned to me with a lollipop – the same type as I had bought.

– Here you are – he said and gave it to me.

– Oh, no, I can't accept. I've already eaten some of the one that you ate finally.

– Then give it to me... Thanks. – He put the lollipop into his mouth and a minute later gave it to me. – Will it be okay?

– Ah, right, thanks – I accepted and looked at him. – So where's my song? – I smiled.

– Here you are – he said and started to play a melancholic tune and soon he started to sing like a shaman would do. The lyrics were something beautiful and a bit frantic – one of that type of songs I loved.

_Woman In Black Corset_

_She's the girl I always can see_

_She's my venomous elixir;_

_The one who makes me fight against my fears_

_And gives me life instead of dreams_

_But who can give me a death-kiss._

_I know my life is in her hands_

_But I can't get used to the fact_

_That she's the warder of my heart_

_As she makes my dreams fall apart._

_She's the woman in black corset,_

_Dark-haired beauty from the Forest_

_Who dances me the dance of Death_

_With a scythe in her smooth, white hands._

_She's the girl I always can see_

_She's my venomous elixir;_

_The one who makes me fight against my fears_

_And gives me life instead of dreams_

_But who can give me a death-kiss._

_Her amber-eyes and cherry-lips_

_Are made to kill me without kiss._

_As she raises her hand to speak_

_There is no peace in my spirit.._

_Now I can't sleep without her voice,_

_I am one of her insane toys_

_As I join her dancing the Death_

_And I collapse in the Forest._

– Wow, it... it's beautiful – I said as he finished.

– Do you like it? – he smiled with his lovely wide smile. – Ah, halleluiah. I knew you'd be the best to hear it at first.

– Di... didn't you show them? – I raised my eyebrows.

– Just the lyric sheet. I wanted you to hear it at first because I was sure your reactions would be honest.

– Why should I be dishonest? You must keep me – I laughed.

– I can find a girlfriend between my fans easily.

– But not one like me. They'd find out soon that you have never had any girlfriends.

– Why do you think so?

– Hmm... let me see... – I began counting my reasons on my left hand. – You don't know how to kiss a woman, you can't say spontaneous compliments like a man would do... It would look ridiculous if you wanted to lift them and... you can't look at them like _that_. Your dick is so soft when you look at a woman. A naked woman. And you would act too feminine.

– Do you think so? – he asked. – Do you think that my penis is soft when I look at a woman?

– I'm sure – I grinned. – You also couldn't kiss a woman.

– I have... you're right, I can't. I've never done.

– Heey you don't count me as a woman? – I laughed but threw a pillow at him.

– No – he laughed too. – You're a great friend, yes, who have been born female but not a woman in my eyes. You're older than me and also... you work for my father and me. You're just someone I love as a friend and has no dick but period sometimes. That's all I can see when I look at you. And your beautiful eyes.

– Ah... aah... I see... but thanks anyway. – I just could hope that I wouldn't...

– You blushed! – Kevin grinned and took a picture of me in spite of my all disagreements. – Ah, you look so cute when you blush – he said and took a picture of us: he was kissing my left cheek.

– Hey, don't provoke me – I laughed and kissed his nose. – Next time it won't be your nose but something else – I winked.

– There won't be next time – he smiled and gave another kiss onto my left cheek.

– Fuck you, hime – I laughed. He lay back and crooned his own song: _Her amber-eyes and cherry-lips / Are made to kill me without kiss..._

– _Why_ did you write this song? – I asked some minutes later. – It's not the type as your old ones.

– When I was in Japan – he began – I had a dream. A recurring dream: I was living in a dysutopic world where a woman dictated. She had long, dark hair and wore black corset. Then at the last night I had this dream again. Now she pointed at me and took me into the forest nearby. While going there I had a vision that she – as a naive girl – came out of the forest. Later, in the forest she began dancing for me. She had a scythe in her hands and I knew she was the Death herself but I also really wanted her. I somehow desired her. I joined her dance, she kissed me and I collapsed in her hands. Then I woke up sweating and panting.

– Man... – I began – Are you wise to the fact that you have died in your dream? – I asked him seriously.

– Yeah and... fuck, I'll be honest with you.

– What do you mean by this? – I asked.

– That... ah, who the Hell's that? – he asked by answering his phone. He was talking for some time then he looked at me after hanging up. – I must go now but I promise I'll come home in time; I hope it won't take more than one or two hours. So bye now – he said and kissed my forehead.

He took on his coat and shoes and went out of the flat. I was alone in his house so I had some time to write into my diary.

**28****th**** December, 2013.**

Today I somehow slept longer than Kevin did. Ah, much longer...

– Good morning, Princess – he said when I woke up. – Could you please come to the kitchen?

– Ah, good morning, what has happened? – I asked while getting up.

– Don't ask but come instead – he said and went to the... I'd better say disastrous place. Smoke everywhere and I could still hear the boiling oil's voice.

– Oh, my God, what have you done? – I arrested him as I went to the window to open it. – Close the fire – I ordered him. I went to the door and closed it as well after we got out; we could only hope that it would ventilate soon and sat down onto the sofa until then.

– What did you try to do? – I asked him.

– Some breakfast – he replied. – But next time I'll deal just with sandwiches I promise.

I let out a tiny laughter and then the room became silent. Some minutes later something got into my mind. I wasn't sure if he liked the idea but I thought that I can't lose anything by asking it.

– Hey – I began – would you like me to cook with you?

– What? – he looked at me.

– Would you like to cook with me?

– Ah, aah. If the kitchen's ventilated... we can make a try.

– Then – I continued – we should go shopping.

– How do you know what do I have at home? – he asked by raising his eyebrows.

– It's just one egg and it has been already used I guess – I said and got up. – Hey, don't stare at me, I live here as well. Will you come or not?

We didn't go far but to the grocery nearby. The shop-assistant knew us personally and when we paid he gave us one-one extra lollipop of that piece of heavenly sweets. Kevin wanted to pay for them but he didn't let him.

– It's your post-Christmas present – and your girlfriend's – he winked.

– She's just a friend – Kevin said immediately but I just blushed.

– Ah, I see – he smiled and as I went out he winked at me and I blushed a bit stronger again. It was a bit... ahh, really exciting to hear that others call us a pair.

– Who was that? – I asked Kevin when we got out of the building and he had already put his girlish sunglasses on. I still couldn't get used to the fact that he was using that.

– Uhm? Ah, Amalia's brother, didn't you know? – he asked back.

– That he exists and works in a grocery?

– That he runs a grocery – he corrected me. – Ah, I can remember that just some years ago I usually came here to get some cigarette and spirits. He always scolded me for doing that but gave me what I wanted as well. Ah, good old days...

– So he let you smoke like a factory chimney? – I opened my eyes widely.

– No. – He opened the door of the building which contained our flat. – He said I could only buy one package a month and I observed his rules. I – he opened the second door which belonged to the flat –, you know, just smoked when I was really anxious or nervous. And also I delivered alcohol to parties and... – he stopped for a while as to think everything over. – And there was one, only one moment when he shouldn't had given me something. Hh – he shook his head and fell onto the sofa.

– Do you wish to talk about it? – I sat near him. I was prepared for _no_ and as I was a great spiritual dustbin I didn't want to force him; but he thought it somehow else.

– I've already told you that I had a crush on the singer of my band and vice versa, right? – I nodded and he continued. – Eh, that day we had a rehearsal at our previous house. He stayed there with me and before watching a film I stupidly promised him to buy some vodka because... he wanted to watch porn and... I just didn't want. We were drunk... and... and I kissed him. But now I regret it because...

– Ugh, I imagined two skinny, blonde guys kissing nakedly – I commented revolted.

– He's black-haired and we weren't naked – he said and I knew it felt bad for him. – Anyways, don't we wanna cook?

– Uhm – I mumbled as I stood up and went to the kitchen. We didn't communicate just when we needed – like _give me some of this, please_ and so one

– Are you hungry? – I asked him suddenly – I didn't know, why.

– No – he passed rigidly. I knew there was something that ticked him awfully off that he didn't either communicate with me.

– What the Hell's wrong with me? – I questioned and stood up.

– Nothing – he replied.

– Then why are you doing this to me?

– What am I doing to you? – he asked back without even looking at me.

– See, that's I have been talking about! You absolutely know that we have to act like one pair and...

– So your problem is that I sometimes want to live my real life? – he asked angrily.

– No, my problem is that – imagine – I'm not an actress, I'm a human being with story and feelings; I want to help you and you don't even say a pale _thanks_ for my work! – This second part of the sentence directed his attention on me as much as he stood up. – I don't know how to relate to you – I cried, yet without tears. – Once you're nice to me then you hate me. It's not easy to play the role of a loving girlfriend if I know that you hate me!

– So you think that I hate you? – He came closer to me and I went backwards as he stepped into my intimate sphere – until I reached the wall and he pushed his upper body against mine. He even talked to me from such as small distance that I could feel his breath on my face. The haze sprang out in sparkling drips on my lips. – Do you think I'd do this if I hated you?

– You would – I answered – because you exactly know that you cause pain to me.

– What? – he asked and jumped a metre back.

– Man, you've read my diary – I said. – Can't you remember of this part?

– Ah, aah, I've skipped some things I thought I wouldn't find interesting...

– Ah – I placed my face in my left palm. – God, man, you really skipped that I wrote I loved you at least three times?

– Decide who – he smiled but when he saw my face that wasn't happy at all he became serious again. – I thought it was just friendly love or fangirl-love.

– Eh? – I opened my eyes widely. – You know, I hate that you behave like a fucking star.

– Huh? – he scraped his nape.

– You think that every person who's around you either works for you or is your fanatic. Fame came too early into your life.

He looked at me with raised eyebrows and said:

– I was born into fame, my grandfather was a musician as well. Ah, and no, you're not right, I do know what does friendship means. I just... I don't know, I'm so confused nowadays – he said and sat down. – Sorry if I sometimes lose control. It's just... weird that a week ago I was coming home from my boyfriend from Japan and today I'm cooking with a girl who's living with me and...

– Who's in love with you? – I asked and he nodded. – Believe me, it's not easy for me either – I sighed. – A week ago I was working with your sister and little did I know about you. I was crying after my ex and watching romantic films with ice-cream in my spoon.

– Ah, I can remember – he laughed. – You must have looked funny.

– Yeah, I guess so – I laughed too.

**29****th**** December, 2013.**

_Would you mind doing me a favour?_

A small piece of paper with this message was waiting for me in my diary this morning.

– Keeeviiiiiiin! – I screamed as I found the paper. Then I could hear a glass crashing the ground. A few seconds later my door opened and Kevin stormed in.

– What's the matter? – he asked not understanding. – I was doing the dishes when I heard you yelling. So?

– YOU FISHED AROUND IN MY DIARY? – I got up from the bed in a simple long tee which I had bought in Venice nearly three years ago.

– What are you talking about? – he asked again – he really didn't know.

– About this – I showed him the paper. – I found it in my diary this morning when I tried to write yesterday down.

– You write your diary in the morning? – he opened his eyes widely.

– I see you got the essence. So, what do you have to say as to save yourself?

– It's locked and you keep the keys in your neck with a cross, how could I get them and open this... stuff? Uh?

– You know more things than you should... – I said with played seriousness.

– Ah, come on, it's evident! And I just clumsily pushed it between two random pages! I wasn't sure if I'd be at home when you woke up. Ah... – he took his phone out and read something quickly.

– Why, where are you going?

– Eh... – he smiled clumsily and raised his palms as to say _he couldn't go against his father's wish_ while he showed me the message he got.

An hour later we were sitting on the couches of the practice room, sipping cappuccino and hot chocolate and talking about useless things. Meanwhile I was thinking of that someday I would have to show up with Kevin and I wasn't a suitable actress yet.

– What do you think? – Fredrik asked me.

– Oh, sorry, me? Oh, my God, I was daydreaming, it's so awkward...

– He was just asking your opinion about my new song – Kevin whispered into my ears. – They haven't heard it yet.

– Ah, the _Woman in Black Corset_? – I asked. – It's beautiful...

– Shall I show? – he asked to save the situation. He felt awkward too I was sure.

Then he began playing the guitar and I couldn't concentrate on anything else but him. When he got to the first line of the last verse Tommy sat near me and touched my shoulder.

– Do you think you'll be able to do it? – he asked fatherly.

– I hope so. You know, I don't like lying.

– Then imagine it's an act. You're doing the same now, ain't you? – And he began clapping because his son had just finished his show...

– Thoughts? – Kevin asked when we were at home yet.

– Oh, nothing yet. You should at least help a bit as I'm writing it in _your_ name! – I sighed one. – Ah, my God, sorry for raising my voice. My belly aches a lot and it makes me nervous...

– Your tiny belly... – he sat near me and caressed my abdomen even with knowing that I had my legs drawn on the sofa and an exercise-book was lying in my lap. – Do you need something?

– Some Aspirin and a timetable of yours since you were at the Carnival of Venice.

– Right, some minutes and you'll get them – he said.

– And all of the public lyrics you've ever written with concrete date.

– Why? – he asked from the kitchen. I waited until he came back with a pill and a glass of water.

– Thanks – I said and took the medicine. – Because a song's lyrics always tells about the writer's inner world and usually has more meaning than what is written down and I want to use them... as something that the story explains. 'kay?

– Of course. I'll check my deadline-diaries and write information down for you.

Some minutes later he came back with three books and we began checking for useful information for Our Fake Story...

**30****th**** December, 2013.**

Studio works and I wrote timetable so we didn't communicate much today.

**31****st**** December, 2013.**

Although it's New Year's Eve today we didn't go to Sebbie's party because I got ill and he didn't want to go without me. I cough awfully although I have practiced a lot.

**1****st**** January, 2014.**

Happy New Year.

**2****nd**** January, 2014.**

School begins in a week... ah, I can't wait for its final end.

**3****rd**** January, 2014.**

Better today. I began writing the story of Our Fake Love today. We couldn't name the story yet because – of course – it's easier to name something you know.

I also practiced some Maths and Grammar.

**4****th**** January, 2014.**

Luckily it was just a weak cold that attacked me some days ago and today I was fine... more or less. Ah, it's funny to write when you're drunk...

Why am I drunk? The story: When I woke up today Kevin was waiting for me half-dressed.

– Morning – he said and gave me sandwich. – Today you're coming with me to the studio.

– Why? – I asked between two bites.

– Yesterday I told Dad that you began writing and he's interested in. Isn't it a problem?

– Ah, no problem. Should I get dressed?

– Sure – he said. – But I think many people would enjoy more if you came naked – he winked and went to his room before I could throw something after him. Nowadays it became my habit that if he said something saucy I dashed the nearest unbreakable stuff against him.

Some minutes later – when I had finished eating – I found him in my room choosing clothes.

– Isn't it a problem if I choose clothes for you today?

– It isn't but... what are you wearing? – I opened my eyes widely.

– A pink tee...

– Trixie Training lesson four: real men don't wear pink.

– I'm a pinkyboy, why can't you accept it? – he asked angrily.

– No, your _image_ is a pinkyboy but what are you deep inside? That's all I can't figure out yet...

– And what are _you_ inside, because I'm sure you aren't that mulish girl who you seem to be!

– Then who am I? Could you please explain me, Mr Iknoweverything?

– Call me once more like this and I swear I'll take you to a psychologist!

– Then come on, try to take me! – I yelled and he took me by waist. He bent closer to me and whispered with his murderous, low voice nearly touching my lips with his. I didn't break, didn't give him the pleasure to see me broken apart.

– Then I'll take you and you can do nothing with it...

– I need no psychologist to get to know myself or you.

– Then why don't we know each other? – he queried but I could see that he was just curious of my answer.

– Because I don't let you to know me and you don't let me to know you.

– Then you'd need a psychologist.

– I need no psychologist – I said and I thought I finished our argument as well. But he was regrettably sure and I needed.

Tommy was satisfied with my work but nothing interesting has happened at the studio.

At half past four we were sitting at his psychologist's waiting room.

– Are you sure you want this? – I asked but he was inflexible. Some minutes later we went into the surgery, introduced ourselves and sat onto his comfortable sofa.

– So, why are you here? – he asked smiling.

– Let me speak first – Kevin whispered to me. – Have you heard about my relationship?

– Of course – he replied and we understood that he knew it wasn't real.

– We're having a problem with that.

– Could you please explain it better? – he asked.

– Ah, I think I could... – I said shyly. I knew Kevin could be mad about...

– Then let's hear. How would you describe your relationship? – the psychologist asked.

– Like... I don't really know, maybe like... a sea...

– Uhm... – he nodded slowly but respectfully.

– Two people in two boats in the sea... going to the same direction. – I could see it shocked him but he still listened to me. – One has a sail and one has an engine with fuel enough for the half way. They are going together on two boats. Sometimes wind blows and then the one with the sail goes further but when there's calm then the other reaches the first. The boats are small. What do you think they should do?

– Sit into one's boat of course.

– Yes, you're right. Going on their own boat symbolizes the people's proudest. The bigger their proudest is the smaller their boat is. If they sat into the other boat they would give up their proudest but they don't know if the boat grew or not. They know they should take the engine or the sail into the other boat but they cannot decide which to choose and so – they suffer from not going further.

Now I could see that the psychologist was... amazed on my precise presentation.

– I don't really understand it – Kevin said.

– But it was a beautiful simile – the psychologist answered. – She described everything perfectly. It's the typical case of that kind of relationships where the participants have to reach a goal together but they want to do it on their owns.

– Let me explain in your language – I inserted. – Imagine we are two musicians.

– It's not difficult – he laughed but I looked at him seriously so he shut up.

– So musicians. One plays the guitar and one the drums – in two different styles as well as not to make their lives easier. They both have their own name and style – that I have to say is close to each other and can be mixed – but they don't want to give up on their independence. Also the guitarist would need some rhythm and the drummer some tune into their music. What should they do? They should co-operate. What are they doing? Nothing. Proudest – humanity: 1-0.

– See, now I understand it much better – Kevin said and boxed into my shoulder.

– You're welcome. The real problem is – I turned to the psychologist – that we don't let each other to get to know the other one. And it's not easy to work together like _this_...

– Compromises – he said. – Nothing else but compromises and opening. Try to write your feelings down, try to sit down and speak about yourselves. You have to solve it together, guys. You're a pair, ain't you? – he smiled and let us go.

– What would you like to do now? – Kevin asked when we stepped out to the street.

– I wouldn't mind drinking a beer... – I said. I wasn't sure if he liked the idea but he held my hand and pulled me to a direction. Soon we got to a well-known area of the town.

– Hey, shouldn't we go somewhere else? – I asked.

– Why? – he pursed his eyebrows.

– You know... my classmates usually come here and it would be better if we didn't meet them.

– Oh, students are usually at home these days – he grinned and pulled me.

We went into the pub – he didn't take his sunglasses off – and as we stepped in I could hear a girl screaming and a second later I could feel a hug and I couldn't see anything.

– Ah, Carina, hi... – I panted as the tall girl let me breathe again.

– Hi, what are you doing here? I thought you would stay at home and study... come, join us!

We couldn't do anything against, we had to sit to their table.

– Hi, guys, let me introduce you Kevin...

– Hey, Beatrix... – Carina said. – Could you come, please?

– Oh, of course...

We went to the restroom together and she bean interrogating me.

– Who's this guy?

– I've told you: his name's Kevin.

– And why did you hold his hand? Hmm? – she asked curiously.

– Ah, so did I? I haven't realized...

– So?

– He's... – I felt I blushed. I also checked my face and I was right. My luck was that Carina couldn't see me because she peed.

– You've just broken up with Norbi – She came to wash her hands. –, you shouldn't begin a new relationship so fast.

– But I... ah, your make-up is perfect, we should check if the others are alive – I said and we went back.

Kevin tried to ignore my classmates' idiot questions but he was unlucky: they wanted to know everything about him. Fortunately he was still wearing his glasses but they wanted to beg it off.

– Ah, no, I can't take it off – he disagreed –, because...

– Because he had an eye-operation a month ago – I continued because I saw he couldn't think of any useful objection. I hated myself for lying but I had to save his life now. – And now he has to wear his special light-filtered glasses.

– But it's lamp-light in here – one said.

– Everywhere – I added fast. – Have you tried to get some drink? – I asked Kevin and he nodded. I sat near him and tightened his hand.

_Oh, my God, it has begun, help us to survive!_

– How did you meet the class's old maid, Kev? – Eric asked after we have had our second beer.

_Don't mess it up, don't mess it up, don't mess it up..._

– Actually we have known each other for nearly three years; we met at the Carnival of Venice in 2011. We just simply bumped into each other – _Halleluiah. So he knows._ – It was funny because we first thought that the other was Italian 'coz she apologized in Italian at first. Then I told her I didn't understand – _Okay, small change, it's allowed, actually I said "Scusi, signorina" = Sorry, Miss_ – and we burst out in laughter.

They all absorbed in _Our Fake Story_ (it's simply funny to write it down) so Kevin had to continue his oral report of the story we made up together.

– Then I introduced myself – she as well – and I offered her a coffee at a café.

– It was a bit weird because I was there with school I have just lost my tiny group and so I explored the city alone – I added.

– We began talking at the café and it turned out that we got on very well and understood each other so we changed Messenger-address – yes, we used that yet – and facebook. We were chatting long hours nearly every day and I was enthusiastic when she said they would move to Sweden – _Okay, he was silent about the part "And one day – I think it was that when she told me she met someone she really liked – I realized I loved her." No mistake can appear from now on_. – Then I got a Skype-call. It was her – her eyes were cried out. I have never seen her like that, neither have I since then. She told me her mother wanted to re-marry someone Trixie didn't even know. Those days I was in another country – I was really sad I couldn't welcome her in Stockholm airport – but I tried to calm her down. Then it turned out that they moved to Sundsvall; I asked her if she had realized that I was living here. She smiled while her tear-flow didn't end and she asked me if I believed in chance.

– And what did you say? – the other girl, Vanessa asked.

– That I didn't – he said and looked deeply into my eyes.

– And then? – Van asked again. She was even more curious than Carina.

– Then? – Kevin asked. He didn't really concentrate on the story yet but on someone's eyes... – Ah, you know that her mother have... and so the wedding was cancelled... and... she couldn't go anywhere so... I offered her to stay at my flat but then – as I've already said – I was abroad so Dad could give accommodation for her. Then I came home so she could move to me.

– You live together? – Van asked.

– Uhm... yeah – he said.

– And you're friends – Gustav added.

– Yes – he agreed as if it was the most evident thing of life. – Ah, come on, she's like my sister!

– Ah, so you wanna fuck your sis – Christian laughed.

– Sorry, what? You really think that I'd like to... oh, no, no, no, no, NO! – he raised his voice. – I'd never do that! What do you think of me?

– That you're a... how old are you exactly?

– Eighteen.

– Oh, are you an eighteen-year-old virgin or what? Man, if you live together with a girl I'm sure you'd love to fuck her!

– Hey, what do you think of me? Have you ever heard of the word _friendship_?

– Yes, in disgusting romances – he said repulsed.

– Ah, please, shut up! – he stood up and if I didn't touch his hand he would jump on Chris and show them how weak he was.

– Kevin, I think now we should...

– No, I think Chris should go home – Eric said. – You don't have to damage the temper.

– Ah, okay, sorry for being alive – he said and went for his coat – then he left.

– Sorry, he sometimes drinks more than he should and he's an aggressive drunk.

– Oh, never mind – I said and hit his shoulder friendly. – I'll go and get one more round.

– Don't deal with it, it's on me – Kevin said and went for a new round.

– Aaah – the girls came closer. – He's so cute!

– You must sit on his dick tonight, baby – Carina said.

– Heey – I laughed. I knew her, she always thought of sex but fortunately for herself she was interested in only Eric and no one else. – As he has already told we're bro and sis – I grinned.

Meanwhile he came back and placed a pack of beer in front of me.

– Could someone help bringing the rest? – he asked and pointed to a crate of Heineken with his head. Only one missed – that was in front of me.

– Hey, what are you doing? – I asked. I knew that Scandinavian people liked alcohol but this much?

– No problem, I stand beer very well – he sat down and gave a kiss onto my left cheek.

– Do you remember what it's like to be drunk? – I whispered to him.

– I don't care I want to get fucking drunk today! – he said and opened my beer. He drank from it and gave into my hands. – Just drink, please.

– Promise me you will remember this tomorrow...

– I swear you I will – he said as he gave a kiss onto my nose.

_I will regret this day or you will..._

We had some more beers while telling amusing or even saucy stories about ourselves – and sometimes each other as well. Of course Eric didn't neglect telling the others my lost-story – again.

– And when I told her she was damned lost she said that I didn't have to remind her.

– Because you really didn't – I laughed. Alcohol began carving its impact.

– You know – Kevin inserted – it's not easy to get lost in Sundsvall...

– Ah! – I said with played seriousness. – I was living here for only two months!

– And you didn't remember the way from Dad's house to the hospital? – he asked.

– My step-father took me there on car and he went home before me – I wanted to talk to her. I didn't think it would be my last talk with her... – A teardrop left my left eye.

– Ah, don't re-begin... – Kevin hugged me. I pressed my face against his chest. It was skinny so I could feel his ribs. There were no muscles on his chest. Absolutely no muscles.

– I'm not crying just something got into my eyes... – I said.

– Then okay – he raised my chin and looked into my eyes. Then he hugged me again and began a story as to make the situation less awkward. – Have you ever thrown an egg at someone? – he asked from the others.

– No but you gave me a good idea what to throw at you next – I laughed.

– I just asked because when once I was in Japan we had a food-battle with friends – don't ask me how it began – and when we couldn't find anything creamy enough we began throwing eggs at each other.

– And why is it funny? – I asked.

– Because then we had to pay a fortune to the shop-owner – he said and everyone began laughing – including me.

– And what about when we were at a party last summer? – Eric asked. – Mario was really drunk, more drunk than he usually was – Now Mario hid his face with his palms. He knew the rest of the story yet and he wasn't proud of it. – and he asked a girl if she had any coins. Then she said she hadn't and he asked her if she wanted to suck for coins!

– Ah, don't tell this story to everyone all the time – Mario said. – The spot where she has slapped me still hurts!

We laughed again and then I drank from Kevin's beer because mine had already dried up. I dried it up. I thought we should had finished it then but – of course – we opened a new pack. We were young, strong and we thought we stood alcohol better.

– Did you know that beer – Van laughed – makes girls – laughter again – bitches?

She thought she could say something _cool_ that makes her sound smart but I had already heard it from... Tara. She always knew everything better than I did although I wasn't silly.

– Yes, it makes – I laughed – especially girls like you!

– Haha, you're right – she joined. She was sitting in Patrick's lap and now she kissed him.

– Is she always like this? – Kevin whispered into my ears.

– Hah, yes, usually. But he's her bf.

– Bf? – he asked louder.

– Boyfriend – I laughed. – I'm the only girl in the company who's single. That's why they call me old maid.

– But you have someone – he said so silently that no one could hear just me.

– You know that it's not what they have – I answered.

– Who knows? – he asked – mainly from himself. – Who knows...

It was nine in the evening when we left the pub. We drank at least five or six beers per head; I wasn't sure of counting well because we always drank in each other's.

On the way home we tried to chat but it wasn't really easy because both of us were drunk so we mainly spoke on our mother languages. Of course I understood more of Swedish than he of Hungarian. I didn't let him get on a bus because I was sure we puked if we even so had done that. It was better to puke on a bush than on a bus. Also walking was healthier and cold air cleaned our head a bit.

– Here – I gave him some snow. – It's clean, clean your mouth. Do you need a chewing gum as well?

– Yes, please – he said and did what I advised him to do. Then we began chewing the gums to make our mouth smell bearable.

Some minutes later we got near a playground.

– I have never realized this – I said. – Do you think the swing is usable?

– You should make a try – he smiled and held my hand again. We went to the swings (there were two next to each other) and I kicked the frame as to clean it from snow – the majority landed on me and the rest on Kevin. We looked at each other and began laughing. Then we swept the snow down from the seats and tried the swings. They worked perfectly even in this great snow too. Poor toys creaked thankfully – no one had used them since snow fell down.

– Haha, discounting puking it was the best night since I moved to you – I told Kevin when we left the playground.

– But counting with that I hope you will have only better days and nights with me – he said and threw a snowball at me.

– Heey – I laughed. – You'll repent doing this! – And I threw a hard snowball at him. We began a snowball battle – the one who got home with getting more scores won. It was me and when I stuck my tongue out he shoved me into the snow as to bathe me; but he wasn't careful enough: I grasped his coat as I fell so he landed on me. He looked at my eyes and a second later he tenderly breathed a soft kiss onto my dry, purple lips. I knew my moment has arrived and it wouldn't wait much – it escaped before I could hesitate more – so when his head left mine followed and I gave a kiss onto his lips. Then everything happened fast: he looked at my eyes, closed his ones and our kiss-battle began.

– Never a better day – I said and as an answer he kissed my neck. He sometimes chewed my lower lip as well and so did I. He pressed his right hand into my hair while I slid my hands under his coat and pullover and tee and began caressing his waist. Van was right – beer made a bitch of me. Then I woke up. Haha, no, of course it wasn't a dream. So some heavenly minutes later his lips finally left mines. He lay near me and held my hand.

– Promise me – I said and I stopped for a breath. _Yeah, promise me._ – Promise me that you'll never release my hand.

He turned his face to me. I could see such twinkle in his eyes that I have never before. Could he look like this when he was in love?

– I can't promise if you don't promise either – he answered and grinned widely. Both of us knew that it had compared promising. – We should go don't you think?

He tried to get up and help me up as well but I drag him back with my 60 kilos. I had to help him when I finally got up. We were going home with pink cheeks and not just because wind stung our face but also because we blushed when we kissed and it hadn't ended since then. At home he asked me if I wanted to sleep with him – I would have been a fool for refusing. Now he's cutely sleeping near me and I guess I should meet him at dreamworld.

**5****th**** January, 2014.**

Tonight was the longest night of my life. I woke up sweating and panting right after midnight and I breathed heavily. I had a nightmare that I wanted to get off my chest. In that very moment when I could think these over Kevin woke up as well. He looked even worse than me so I cleaned his forehead with my tee.

– Good morning – he welcomed me.

– Better – I answered and added: – And it's just midnight yet. Are you fine? Don't you need a hot bath? You looked awful when I saw you.

– Really? No, I don't want to have a bath, then I think I'd fall asleep again. I'm really tired.

– But you should clean this off your body.

– You're right – he said, then gave a kiss onto my forehead and went for having a hot but short shower; until then I changed his bedclothes. Then he came out with wet hair and I went for having a shower. I finished sooner than him – even with washing my hair and searching for my oversized, torn Jack Daniel's T-shirt – and when I went back he had already dried his mane.

– You look like a lion – I laughed at him.

– And you look like a soaked dog – he smiled and hugged me.

– Could... – I hesitated while he lay back. – Could we talk? – I asked finally.

– Of course, come – he punched the bed near him. – So, what do you want to share? – he asked when I lay comfortably yet.

– I had a nightmare... – I began. – Everyone including me was wearing antique Venetian clothes and a mask on their face. Then a man invited me for a dance and I accepted. It was a waltz and I loved it. Later we went...

– To the garden, you took the masks off because you didn't see anything, you kissed him while dancing and he died. I know, I have dreamt the same...

– How...

– Listen – he inserted. – I have to tell you something... Hh... You remember I was having a recurring dream about a dysutopic world. The woman I saw in my dreams was... you.

This piece of news was so shocking that I couldn't even close my mouth.

– Yes, I'm sure, I am so sure like I am lying next to you. – He held me by waist and gave a kiss onto my shoulder. – You looked the same as her when I made your make-up for Evelina's party. I wanted to be sure, that's why I made your make-up like hers. And the corset you saw at the Halo of the Demon was exactly the same as you wore in my dreams. These signs have shown me that that you are a part of my destiny.

– Just a part? – I asked before kissing him.

– Oh, no, you're right... – he said between two kisses. – _You_ are my destiny...

We had been kissing for many countless minutes when he wanted to undress me.

– Oh, no... – I disagreed, took his hands off my waist and pulled my tee back to my abdomen. – You... shouldn't be so fast...

– Why? – he asked, began kissing my neck and slid his hands under my T-shirt.

– For example because I've just got know that you love me? And... – my voice became sad.

– What's that? – He finished kissing me everywhere and now looked at my eyes. – What's the matter? Huh? – he caressed my face. – It would be the first for me as well.

– No, it's not that... I'm not virgin yet.

– Are you sure? – he asked. He couldn't believe that I was a human being and I had a life before I met him.

– No, I'm not, I just think that someone has fucked me, I wasn't there – I answered a bit angrily. He could really drive me mad sometimes.

– Oh, sorry for being so silly. So? What did you want to say?

– You know... After making love with my ex once I didn't need it as much as before because "Yay, I've lost my virginity!" and so one. I knew the feeling and it wasn't that I expected it to be. So... he couldn't really get me to do it again. We also had... problems with the condom so... I didn't want to live through that stress once more. And it also was at my seventeenth birthday. A year later – as you could read – he broke up.

He stared at me. He couldn't believe that I was in a relationship with somebody for one and a half year and we made love just one time.

– He was an asshole to cheat on you. You deserve better – he said finally.

– So if you had a girlfriend – I grinned playfully – and she didn't wanna fuck you because of a bad memory – could you stand?

He was thinking for some time before answering.

– I would make her forget that fucking memory – he grinned at me.

– But not now – I said and stood up.

– Hey, where are you...?

– Good night – I said, kissed his forehead and went to sleep.

In the morning I woke up before him so I could repay his kindness: after writing down the nightmare-stuff I made some breakfast so I didn't owe him any more favours. I think now we are in equality. He gives me accommodation and mainly living and I play his girlfriend – we're simply saving each other's lives. I was nearly ready with setting the table when Kevin lumbered into the kitchen.

– Good morning – he said as he saw me.

– Better – I answered faithfully to my good habit.

– Do you remember yesterday?

– Uhm – I said and placed the last plate. – I wrote down everything. Why?

– Because I can't remember anything... – he answered and – although he was a great actor – I was sure he didn't lie.

– Oh... – I said and placed my face in my palms. – No, no, no... – I whispered to myself.

– What's the matter? – he asked and came to me, then hugged me.

– Oh, nothing... – I answered and I was scolding myself for thinking that he really loved me and we could really be together. So our act would continue and he would never know he confessed that he loved me – or just alcohol spoke of him?

– Hey, are you fine? – he asked when he saw me staring at the ground.

– Yeah, yeah, I was just thinking...

– About? – he looked at me seriously. There was no escape, I knew I had to tell him.

– Are you interested in? – I asked. I was ready to go and bring my diary there.

– Do you think I should be interested in? – he asked back.

– Yes, if you don't want to get some surprises while walking on the street – I smiled.

– What have I done? – he asked apprehensively. – Have I... lost... my...

– No, but nearly – I replied.

– With whom? – he asked. I could see that twinkle again in his eyes. – Hey, you always note everything in your diary...

– Nice revelation... – I commented. – Are you sure you're interested in?

– Oh, of course – he grinned so I went into my room.

– Don't you wanna come? – I turned back and he followed me. Then he sat down onto my bed and I sat near him. I opened the book at the right page and gave into his hands. I pointed at the line which he should begin with. – Be careful, some pieces of information may shock you.

– Oh, don't fear me I can handle too much information – he said and began reading. – Oh, I can remember your classmates, they were a bit childish but nice as well.

He continued reading until he reached the point where he began telling the others his story with the eggs.

– Oh, have I really told them these? – he looked at me and I nodded.

– But they still think you're a normal person just like they are.

– Oh, calming news... – he said and read further. He didn't even stop again 'til he could read about our first real kiss. Then he looked painfully at me and I had to nod with a serious face to make him follow the storyline. When he finished with the part about our dream as well he closed the book and looked meaningfully in my eyes.

– I thought I just dreamt these.

– Being drunk is like dreaming – I commented.

– I'm sorry you had to realize it like this. And that I made you do all these. We should really be those in the book. Two naive lovers enchanted by the other who have met three years ago and just simply want to be happy with each other. You'd deserve this. And what do you get? An act that gets some feelings after a while.

I didn't say anything just hugged him. He let me do, actually he hugged me back and we didn't talk about it later. It was our silent agreement that we try to forget these and begin like we could have a future together – as acting friends. We both wanted it to be just work-contact (or maximum friendship) that connected us and nothing more.

**6****th**** January, 2014. **

Happy Epiphany. Today the three kings came to Spanish children and the Befana to the Italian ones. I'm sure if I were Italian I got many carbon this morning – there wouldn't even be enough space for them in the flat. But as I'm Hungarian (living in Sweden) I got nothing this morning just... ah, some of my favourite breakfast and a glass of orange juice – with a small sunshade topping.

– Good morning – Kevin said as I woke up. He was sitting next to my bed and when I wasn't turning yet he placed the tray in my lap. – And buon apetite.

– Oh... ooh... at first: better. Secondly: wow, thanks – I smiled and gave a kiss onto his right cheek. He blushed and I was really disappointed I couldn't make a photo of him like this – because he didn't let me pull his phone out of his hands. – And how did I earn this? – I asked when I finished my divine meal.

– You're the best girlfriend-actor I have ever met – he grinned and kissed my forehead. – And of course because you are always honest and you never leave me in doubt. You're a great friend. Truly a great friend.

– Did I hear well and you hinted at my weight? – I laughed.

– Oh, no, no, how could you even think about this? – he asked after he understood what he had just said.

– Indeed – I chuckled. Later I helped him getting the Christmas-tree and -decoration down. Now there was more place in the flat for my carbon. ^_^ Of course getting it down made some dirt so after he went to the studio I had to tidy up the whole flat – then as I was doing some work I thought it was time for doing the laundry so I put dirty clothes into the washing machine. Then around half past seven I made some dinner that I can heat when he came home. While cooking I was daydreaming and it just came into my mind that he was looking at me... again like _that_ although we agreed that we wouldn't... ah, he was really frustrating. He could do but I couldn't...

But it just couldn't escape my mind that if he was looking at me like _that_ that meant our relationship couldn't end like this... so when he came home and – after having a lonely dinner – he went for having a bath I decided to take effect and give him something that he wanted and I thought deserved as well...

He just came into his room after having a bath; just a towel hid his hip and there I was standing in front of him – totally naked. I had thought before it would be weird but being there was even odder than thinking about it. He raised his eyebrows at first – of course I surprised him – and when he could understand what was going on he looked at my body then at my eyes then again at my body. He did it at least a hundred times (or it just felt like he had done, I wasn't sure) and it frustrated me a lot so I asked:

– Hey, I saw how you looked at me today. Now I'm standing here offering you what you want and you do nothing. Sorry for asking, but WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?

He first opened his mouth then took an uncertain step forward me. Then nothing. He didn't say anything... just came closer. He tenderly held me by waist and gently breathed a kiss onto my neck. I felt his hard penis under the towel as he pushed my body against his and I could feel his bare chest on my breasts and my heart beat so fast that I thought I would die.

– You should get dressed instead of catching cold – he said finally and let me go.

I couldn't understand his controversial reactions but I thought they had a cause that I shouldn't enquire after so I obediently went for having a sleep.

School starts tomorrow and I still have so many things to do...


	6. 4 - Executing Exercises

Chapter Four: Executing Exercises

**7****th**** January, 2014.**

I hope this bughouse won't continue for long because if so then I'm not sure I can go on...

I didn't know how much time it would take to get to get to school so I woke up at six to be able to do everything in time. I put my things together for school then I made some heatable breakfast that Kevin could put into the microwave when he woke up then made two of my favourite sandwich and began making a woman out of the zombie.

I took some money with me as well and left a piece of paper on the table near the omelette that he shouldn't heat it over ten seconds then I finally could leave the flat at ten past seven. At school I had time to check all of my homework and to begin to write an essay about a book review. Then all lessons were like rush hours and when I finally got home I could play the housekeeper because my cute roommate didn't have time to do the dishes or just simply tidy up the bathroom after him. He left chaos there. Writing my homework didn't take much time – I got more in Hungary – and I continued writing that *beep* book. Then I got a call that Kevin would get home at nine so I ordered some pizza because I wanted to eat something and had no willingness to cook.

When Kevin finally got home I was sleeping yet.

**8****th**** January, 2014.**

Today I woke up twenty minutes later – still he was sleeping when I left.

The most interesting action was that double PE lesson in which we played volleyball. I do not want to sound too self-confident but – of course – we've won the match.

**10****th**** January, 2014.**

We had a lesson with our class-teacher on which she told us that at the end of this year we would finish our studies and on our school-leaving ceremony we would have to dance. She said it was a new tradition they wanted to stabilize at school. We would have to learn two dances – one would be for just our class and one for the whole leaving company so for the remaining five classes as well. This common dance she said would be an English waltz so we just had to choose the other one. So she told us to meditate on the classdance at home until next Friday. By the way I knew this habit more or less because in Hungary we had a similar one.

**12****th**** January, 2014.**

Nothing interesting had happened yesterday, I was just writing that book.

Today it has come into my mind that we should learn some traditional Hungarian dances but I don't think my class would appreciate the idea – we couldn't get teacher and clothing easily.

**13****th**** January, 2014.**

They didn't care how much I disagreed, Carina and Van walked me home today.

– So, what do you want? – I asked them as we got to the third corner

– We think we must talk about something – Van said.

– Or someone – Carina added and I nearly began choking: I knew what they wanted.

– We think you should have a crush on this Kev-guy – Van began. – He's nice and kind and must be good-looking based on his lips. Ah, those lips, I wish I could kiss ones like those...

_Believe me it's not as enjoyable as it seems to be..._

– Hey, Van, we came here to deal with Trixie's problem, not you! – Carina said as she waved in front of her bestie's face.

– Ah, sorry – Van apologized. – So we think you should get your pretty ass out of that fucking friendzone quickly.

– Uhm... – I mumbled.

– Believe me, he could he could make you forget Norbi easily – Carina winked and they let me alone with my thoughts.

_Oh, if you knew that I have already forgotten him and I had to forget Kevin now..._

Drowned in my thoughts I was walking up the stairs and when I opened the door Luna jumped on me.

– Hi, girlie, what's up? – I pet her. – Where's Daddy? Huh?

– I'm here... I'm... oh, hi – Kevin said as he saw me.

– What's that? – I asked as a reaction for his _oh, hi_.

– Nothing, nothing... – he said and didn't say anything more just went into the kitchen and a minute later came out with a cake. It was evident that he made – or at least he decorated – it because... I could see it on the crème and on the little flowers drawn onto.

– Oh – I said as I glanced on it. – Where did you order this? – I smiled.

– I made... okay, Grandma made I just decorated – he answered while putting it down.

– I know, little silly – I hit his shoulder friendly. – But it looks great.

– Really? – he raised his eyebrows.

– Of course, it's so cute that you wanted to decorate a cake... and especially like this... but is it someone's birthday?

– Uhm, no, I just wanted to bake something with Grandma.

– You're simply too good to be true... – I whispered but he heard.

– Why do you think so? – he asked and gave me a slice.

– Ah, you heard? – I asked and after his nod continued. – Oh, just I thought it over that a man bakes with his grandmother and decorates with the cake with small flowers... hey, a purple rose? – I asked as I saw the flower on my slice.

– Uhm... – he mumbled because he was eating his one yet.

– And yours is a white one! Do you know about their meaning?

I was really curious about his answer... I really did so.

– Uhm, not really... – he said but as I could see he knew...

– White means innocence and virginity and purple means true love.

– Huh, really? – he asked and then we were sitting in silence.

**14****th**** January, 2014.**

Today we discussed about our dance but no one had any useful idea.

Then at home I wrote my homework and while cooking I typed that "cute" book that didn't have a title yet – but I wanted to name it something like _Pink Clouds on the Sky of Love_ or _Black and Pink Glasses_ or I just don't know.

When Kevin came home he was really exhausted and awfully happy to see cooked food on the table. I got a kiss onto my forehead as well.

**17****th**** January, 2014.**

The class which was usually the most uncontrollable one was now sitting in silence behind their desks and their teacher was staring at them.

– So you really have no ideas? – she asked. At this point Chris dug me and an _ouch!_ left my mouth. – Yes, Beatrix?

– Yes? Oh, me? Well, I thought we should do some traditional Hungarian dances but...

– Well, not a bad idea. But what about a teacher? – she asked.

– That's my problem as well. I can't dance and I know no one here who could. Actually I have two left legs – I laughed and she allowed me to finish. – Thanks, Chris – I whispered as she didn't concentrate on me yet.

– What do you think, class, should we dance something traditional?

– Or we should do some ballet – Nils shouted and the class began laughing.

_Yeah, it was really funny. OMG, I'm getting more and more childish by the time I spend with them..._

At home I found Kevin practicing a song with his guitar.

– Hi – I welcomed him and lay down on the red, lace sofa.

– Please, don't disturb... – he said and re-began the song. I haven't heard it before but I didn't want to fuck his mind up with asking.

– Are you wise to the fact that this song tells about nothing? – I asked when he had finished.

– Yeah but _Heartbreak Hotel_ was too serious – he replied fast.

– But it isn't serious at all – I said and he looked at me with a murderous gaze. – Okay, it tells about something but not as serious as _My Murderous Urge_ for example.

– Eurovision needs something really serious like domestic violence or something rather evident – love or love of the music.

– Or euphoria – I laughed and he joined.

– On the 28th I'm leaving to Malmö.

– And? – I asked. I didn't know about his further plans yet.

– Would you like to come as well? – he questioned finally. I stared at him.

– Ooh... ouh... ouh... if I remember well I'll have a Maths test on the 31st... – I disagreed. Although it was true not this fact was the cause why I didn't want to go...

– Why don't you wanna come? – he asked. _So he recognized..._

– Listen. My whole class thinks that I and especially _you_ are just a normal person – I don't know what they would react if they saw me with you... with Yohio. And I want to take those exams as well.

– Oh, and I have thought that you have a problem with me.

– No, no, don't even think about it! – I disagreed. – I just simply want to live as a more or less average student for just some more time. But I swear I'll go to Copenhagen with you.

– So you think that I will go? – he asked surprised.

– Who else? – I smiled. – Your song is great.

– But you've just told me that...

– Shh, now it doesn't matter what I think. Now everyone else matters. And if people don't like it I will eat my hat – I laughed.

– Then you'd buy one because last year the foreign jury told me to stay at home.

– And the Danes won – I added.

– Yeah. Yeah... would you like to re-listen to the song anyways? – he asked suddenly.

– Well... I'll try to write some homework but of course you can play it.

– Great because you'd have to visit someone if you didn't want to – he laughed and I began writing my homework. Then at about half past eleven I couldn't stand him more and advised to go to bed and continue work next day.

**18****th**** January, 2014.**

– We should name our child somehow – I said when Kevin came to the kitchen this morning. I had already eaten something – it wasn't true for him as well. He looked really-really sleepy – and his first sentence proved it...

– Sören if male and Naomi if female... – he answered.

_Oh, dear Lord..._

– Hey, man, I've thought of the book – I replied fast and gave him some rice.

– Thanks... – he yawned. – Then call it _Our Fake Story_...

– But that would be too evident – I disagreed.

– That's why it wouldn't be thought it was true... – he yawned again.

– Did you sleep enough? – I asked after his third yawn-in-a-row.

– I don't guess so – he smiled clumsily – but I couldn't sleep more... I can't stand laziness, you know.

– Don't you? – I let out a small laughter. – Then who relaxes on the couch every day while I work? – I asked.

– Luna – he said not even looking at me.

– Okay, tell me if you're awake yet – I stood up and began doing the dishes. Then I washed the clothes and tidied up the living room.

– Have you fallen asleep yet? – I questioned when I got back to the kitchen.

– Nope – he said while writing something on a paper.

– What are you doing? – I sat near him.

– I try to give a title to the book – he answered.

– _Our Fare Story_, again? – I asked. That was the only title on the paper.

– I couldn't think of anything else yet. But do you have any ideas? – he looked at my eyes. His eyes were curious.

– Some days ago I thought of _Pink Clouds on the Sky of Love_ and _Black and Pink Glasses_ but they're awful – I laughed.

– Do you really want to mention pink so much?

– Especially the contrast between pink and black and that even though we didn't care.

– But we do – he commented.

– Uhm... you didn't seem to care two weeks ago – I said with played sexiness.

– Oh, come on, I was drunk – he disagreed quickly but laughed as well.

– Haven't you ever heard that _drunk person – honest person_? – Grin froze on his face.

_So I found something I shouldn't have mentioned – again._

– But I did so – he answered finally and after picking the paper up went into his room. He even slammed the door as to show his injury.

_What a huffy dick..._ – I thought – or maybe mumbled as well – and went to his door. I knocked before asking him to let me in. As no answer came I opened and went in. I found him facing a pillow.

– Hey, do you want to talk about it? – I touched his shoulder. I didn't want him feel that I would force him doing anything.

– Leave me alone – I could hear from the pillow.

– Oh, okay... – I said and took Kevin, the reindeer into my hands. – Hey, Kevin, do you think Kevin will ever forgive me? – I asked the toy.

– It's not even funny – the pillow said.

– So you think that he'd need... – I asked the toy again. I nodded with its head and went out of the room... Ten minutes later a bar of chocolate landed on the bedside table of the still-pillow-facing Kevin.

– Murh... – the pillow said and so I left his personal sphere.

Later when I finally got the clothes out of the washing machine I suddenly felt a hug from behind. The hugger's left arm was on my waist and the right on my shoulder.

– Kev? – I asked and while a huge amount of blond hair fell into my face I could feel a kiss on my left cheek. – Listen – I pulled his hair out of my face. –, I didn't mean to hurt you but... if you don't let me know you then I accidentally do sometimes...

– Talk – he said and took my hand. He directed me to the sofa in the living room and made me sit down. – Do you want to know me? The real me? Then listen carefully because I will tell you just once.

– Ain't you take it a bit too serious? – I asked.

– Please don't stop my thoughts because maybe I won't tell – he commented and began his story: _Yohio was born named Kevin Oliver Rehn on the 12__th__ July, 1995. Aged five he was one of the most popular children in playschool and a girl, named Melanie wanted to be his girlfriend. He didn't really want to bound himself to anyone because many other girls liked him as well – but she was stubborn and gave a kiss onto his cheek. Then he went to school and left her – two years later they met again at school but she was upset because she said he had abandoned her. That time Yohio had already had another best friend: his name was Sebastian. Seb and Yohio spent nearly all of their free time together – they had; although Yohio was learning the piano. Aged 11 Yohio's mother died of cancer and his father took a new woman home – Yohio didn't like her, wanted to go against his wish and also Seb found visual kei somehow so he joined him and the two rebels started to rock the world. Yohio began playing the guitar as well as to be able to tempt Melanie back to him – he wasn't successful because his way of clothing and all his appearance didn't attract her at all. And with this he became even more unpopular among his classmates – he wasn't either before because of his girlish face. These happenings were enough for someone who was the bully of the school and he began bullying him and Sebbie. He was two years older than them and later it turned out on a friend's meeting in the forest nearby that their parents knew each other; and as he could hear Yohio playing the guitar he offered him to play in their band, Seremedy, that only needed a solo-guitarist. He accepted and became the guitarist of the band and Sebbie turned to metal so they began spending less time together – after Yohio became a private student at seventh grade (because the other children were bullying him too) it wasn't a huge amount of time either but by playing in a band it became even less. _[Author note: yes, I know _the mentioned one_ is four years older in reality and that Yohio's name isn't what I've written.]

– And you know the rest – he added after the ten-minute-long monologue he made.

– I still don't know why _drunk person – honest person_ hurt you – I commented.

– Ah, you know I thought just the same when drunken he confessed his love for me – he said and his eyes were praying for some peace.

– Do you want me not to continue talking 'bout it? – I asked. He simply nodded and a second later his head rested on my chest and he was grasping my T-shirt and I could feel something wet drenching my tee.

– I don't know: why do I still love him? – he cried. – Please – he clutched the T-shirt on my shoulders making them bare. – Please, tell me how to forget him! Nothing has helped, neither a new relationship, nor a dog, not even work or... or the fact that you are here – he said. – Please, help me – he looked up at me. I couldn't think of any useful idea – I had just awful thoughts like feeding him with chocolate – but I knew they wouldn't work, they would be enough for just some time to make him forget him. In that very moment when I thought these over and began caressing his head my phone rang.

– Shit – I commented and declined the call from Van.

Somehow my ringtone had changed and Bill Kaulitz sang _Geh_ instead of Luminor singing _Get Off _– and it gave me an idea. – Have you ever tried to get it off your chest by – I took a break as to be sure that he was concentrating on me – writing a song about it?

– You must be kidding – he answered. – _Heartbreak Hotel_ tells about that. Okay, it has happened somehow else but it does.

– But – I disagreed. – _HH_ is a typical breaking up-song with _I hate you_ and _it's your fault that it has ended_ but... ah, you should write one in which you let him go. As you say in _HH_: _Need to let go to break the spell_.

– Then I'd burn it all up – he said desperate and I knew he _meant_ it.

– No one will stop you. – I acknowledged that one more great art would be destroyed by its creator.

Ten minutes later he was writing words onto a paper. Meanwhile I called Van back – she just asked me to hang out with them but I rejected the invitation. I didn't care about Kevin until he asked me to help him.

– I made some brainstorming – he explained – but I think I'll need some help with lining aggressive and unneeded words and phrases out.

– Oh, Dear, you're free to write that you hate him, the essence is that now make a poem about regrets and abandoning him and not about anger and pushing the blame on him. That's all.

– Then check – he pushed the paper under my nose. He also made me promise not to copy the lyrics here but – I'm absolutely sorry, Kevin –, I want to remember this art even at the age 82 or more.

_Forsaken_

_Sitting in my room alone_

_I open a_

_Dustcovered_

_Scrapbook – the tale of_

_Two lovers occur in my mind – _

_I need to let you go,_

_I need to let you now._

_It could have been somehow else,_

_It could be just you and me_

_But you know we messed that day_

_When you threw away the key._

_My fist cramps when I think of you_

_But I control_

_My body_

_Not to feel anything 'bout you – _

_I regret falling in love with you – _

_I must let you go,_

_I must let you now._

_Oh, nothing can fill the space you left in me_

_No parties, nor people, there's no remedy_

_But I hope someday someone will set me free!_

_It could have been somehow else, Love,_

_It could be just you and me_

_But you know we messed that day_

_When you threw away the key_

_Of my heart._

Beautiful, isn't it? I secretly took a photo of it as to be able to copy it here.

Right after finishing with reading he told me to put on my boots and coat and get into the car quickly. I couldn't understand what he wanted to do but I accepted his order and half an hour later we were driving – actually he drove I just sat near him – to a place I fairly didn't know. I didn't interrogate him, I knew he didn't want to talk about it 'til he could see the paper catching fire and burning – until snow melted and smothered its ash fast. It had been snowing today so this plan wasn't impossible at all.

He parked the car near an endless forest and sighed.

– Here – he said and got off the car. I followed him. – Do you have a driving license? – he asked before opening the trunk.

– A Hungarian one at home, yes – I replied.

– Great – he commented and I could see a bottle of vodka in his hands – because you'll take me home.

I didn't even try to disagree, I knew he was too mulish so I let him do what he found the best. The car was in a hidden place so when he went deep into the forest I took the keys and followed him – just in case. We were wandering for quite a long time before he stopped and at a certain place swept all the snow away he was able to. A circle of rocks was there; it wasn't too big, the radius of it was twenty centimetres or even less. He squatted and poured the lyric-sheet with alcohol, then let it fall onto the ground and lit with a lighter he kissed before – and that I gave him at Christmas. As the paper caught fire and burnt with bigger and bigger flames I could realize satisfaction on his face.

– Let's go home – he said after sweeping some snow onto the ash. It began snowing heavily again so I appreciated the idea.

On the way back he drank the rest of the spirit he had left so I could be sure I had to drive home today.

– Do you want to know why have I brought you there? – he asked after I had been driving for ten minutes. I tried to concentrate on the road – I haven't driven since I got my license – so I just nodded and he continued. – That was the exact place where I talked to him first beyond school. Where all this shit began.

– Do you feel better now? – I asked rather senseless than curious.

– I couldn't be more free – he said and some minutes later I could hear that he was snoring near me.

When we finally got home – it took two hours because I lost my way on the unknown road twice and in the town once – he was still sleeping. He was so cute and calm that I didn't wake him up but – lubberly though – took him into his bed in my arms. I also changed his clothes into pyjamas – I wasn't bashful or anything, I have seen many parts of his body yet – and I also _was_ his girlfriend, wasn't I?

**19****th**** January, 2014.**

Waking up this morning I realized I had been sleeping in casual clothes, my hair in ponytail – on the top of Kevin. As soon as this information got into my brain – it took more time that usually because I had just woken up – I jumped backwards. A second later when he turned to his other side I realized I shouldn't wake him up when he finally was able to sleep enough. Maybe enough. Maybe a whole-week-long-sleeping wouldn't be enough either. Aah, I'm still fucking tired...

He doesn't remember getting to bed yesterday but I think it's better like this.

**24****th**** January, 2014.**

Lesson with the class-teacher again. I guess she's the only one who's able to threaten students in this whole school.

Deep silence. Maybe deeper than last week.

Finally I raise my hand.

– Rocky – I say simply. Last day I asked Kevin about this whole stuff – and he recommended rocky. – And I think I know a track people would adore.

– Then share with us – the teacher says.

– I think we should decide about it before... – I answer.

– Class – she speaks out –, do you accept the idea of dancing rocky?

– It's so common – Ellie (who else might it be?) comments.

– Then recommend a better one – I say and as she denies giving an answer the class accepts my idea.

**28****th**** January, 2014.**

Flags are out today, it's the day of the king's name. Unfortunately it's school today.

Kevin has left to Malmö as well – Luna misses him much so I sometimes call him to make her able to hear his voice. He's really cute when he talks to his puppy anyways.

**29****th**** January, 2014.**

It was interesting to wake up for being alone. It made me realize that I was really used to being with people. Yeah, I know Luna's here but it isn't the same as if Kevin was at home.

What the fuck? Everyone's interested in Melodifestivalen at school – Carina even asked me if I wanted to go with them on Saturday! Being nice though, I had to reject her offer.

**31****st**** January, 2014.**

I think the Maths-test went well. Okay, it would have been difficult if I didn't learn it in Hungary before but I did so, so it eased my job so far.

**1****st**** February, 2014.**

YES, YES, YES, YES!

God, it was funny to see all the guys being blond but I think they all looked quite great.

Kevin made me promise that I wouldn't send any votes on him but I couldn't stand that kind of laziness – and stress. Haha, Luna was so cute, she yelped with Daddy.

When I could hear his name as one we would meet on the 8th March I screamed and immediately wrote him a message in which I congratulated and expressed my enthusiasm. A minute later my phone rang.

– Whaaahooo! – I could hear from the other side. – Did you see me? Ha? Did you? – he asked. I could hear he was over the moon as well.

– Yes, Darling, you guys were great!

– Girl, you can't believe how I feel now!

– If only I could – I said. – Hey, listen, Luna wants to say something! Come on, little girl – I pushed the phone near her mouth. She barked happily when she could hear his voice. – When are you coming home? – I asked finally.

– I'm not sure but I think this time tomorrow I'll be there. Ah, I must go to the after-party now, bye...

– Bye, I love you – I said. I didn't really know, why, but I felt it was needed.

– I love you too – he said a bit grumpily.

After hanging up I hugged the doggie and we both went to sleep.

**2****nd**** February, 2014.**

As he had told me, he got home late in the evening.

**3****rd**** February, 2014.**

– Trixie, Trixie! – Carina ran through the corridor this morning. As soon as she saw me she speeded her steps up and reaching Van and I she nearly crashed me to the wall. – Ouch, sorry – she apologized and took a step backwards. – Listen, girl, I have great news! Heey, why didn't you answer my calls? Oh, never mind. Listen...

– I told you so – Van whispered into my ears. – Since she has got back home she can't even be shot down.

– Heey – the mentioned one said and we three all began laughing. – So, as you know I was in Malmö and, oh, my God, I saw the show! Can you imagine? I always wanted to see – and this year Mom and Dad took us there! Ah, Lord, I'm so happy now!

– Was it more interesting than on TV? – I asked.

– God, you can't imagine! It was unbelievable! Especially the first show with YOHIO! Ah, that fireball! I'm still shocked by him! And that he will be in the final show! I believe this year he will win, he's not as girlish as last year and this song is simply great! I hope foreign jury will give him high points because he is the best!

– How do you know, you haven't heard the rest yet!

– Ah, come on, I know their quality. Huh... – she said and as the bell rang we went to Maths – on the way and until the teacher came in she was gushing about the show and Kev... no, about YOHIO.

At home we finally had time to chat a bit – he slept as much as he could since he came home. I hadn't even talked to him yet apart from a _hello_.

– How did you find me? – he asked suddenly while I was feeding Luna.

– Great – I said.

– And my... appearance for example? – He wanted to get to the point.

– Well, you looked interesting, I haven't seen you in make-up yet – I answered.

– And would you like to? – he raised one of his eyebrows awh, soo sexily.

– Hmm – I reacted in the same way. – Would you show me?

– Sure – he replied and just a minute later a scrapbook was lying in his laps. He made me sit down and began showing me photos. He seemed to had been an adorable kid and later he looked great as well – but he was still a prettier _girl_ than me. Ok, I didn't really care about being pretty 'til the age of fourteen...

– God, you really looked like this? – I laughed when I could see him in cute pink dress.

– I guess so – he joined. – Does it shock you?

– Man, if I knew you those times I would have laughed into your face when I first saw you in dress. – His face became sulky. – But later I of course wouldn't care about your appearance because you are just you are and no one else.

– Actually when I put my make-up on I become someone else.

– Yes, the arrogant and directing YOHIO. – The ceiling looked so well that I had to focus on it...

– Am I really like that? – he asked not understanding.

– Oh, well, you seemed to be huffy when I told you I loved you in the phone.

– Ah, aah... – He seemed to agree with me about the ceiling... – To tell you the truth... Fredrik was making a video of me phoning you. They could hear everything.

– And why is it a problem? – I asked. – Everyone thinks we're a pair.

– No, it's just isn't a problem but I thought you should know.

Yes, I should have known.

**4****th**** February, 2014.**

No, no, no...

Carina showed me a video today... her sister had found it on Fredrik's . Guess, who was on it...

Luckily she believed me that many people had the same voice as me. Huh...

**14****th**** February, 2014.**

Today I did some exercise with Kevin because I felt my belly being too big and after we finished he fell onto the sofa like a ragdoll.

– Hey, heey – I dug him. – Are you fine?

– Give me ice cream... – he growled.

– What? – I raised my eyebrows.

– Ice... cream... fridge... – he pointed on the electric device.

– You should drink some water first – I said and went to the fridge. I took a bottle of mineral water out and gave him. He thanked and drank it all in some seconds.

– Ice cream... – he said while leaning back.

– Lord... – I commented and went back to the kitchen. – Here's your parfé (ice cream made of milk and not water), Prince... – I gave him his dessert. His face flowered as the cold cream touched his tongue.

– Thanks – he murmured and the second nibble ended up in my mouth. _Oh..._ – You know, – he continued – it's like if we kissed.

– Heey – I laughed and _friendly_ hit his head. – Ah – I leaned back as we've finished with our ice cream. – We should continue.

– But ah, no – he disagreed. – You wanna kill me, ain't you?

– Hah, of course – I laughed.

– You're a predator, Princess, and want to tire me out as to be able to eat me... because it's easier than chasing. Oh, how lazy!

– Do predators eat parfé?

– What? – he raised his eyebrows.

– Do predators eat parfé that is as soft and sweet as you are, Parfé Prince? – I looked at him.

– Uhm... yeah, I guess so.

– Aaah, what a pity that I've already eaten enough... I'd love to taste you! – I winked. – Ah, what the fuck?! – I yelled as I could hear my ringtone. _I must change it..._ – Van... who else? Yeah? – I answered a bit nervously. I was fed up with her inviting me to parties all the time when she knew I had to work on something.

– Trixie... – I could hear her jerky voice.

– What happened? – I asked apprehensively. – Are you fine?

– N... no... – she cried. – Could you... please... come here? – she asked and as I could hear the rumble of traffic I realized immediately she wasn't at home.

– Of course, where are you? – She told me the exact place (it was in front of a concrete restaurant) and I assured her I would be there in some minutes – although I didn't know how I would. – Kevin, something has happened to Van so I must go now – I turned to my flatmate. – I'll be back in two hours.

– Where are you going? – he asked immediately.

– It doesn't matter now – I said. – But I must hurry or she may do something she will regret.

– Shall I take you? – he asked. It shocked me a bit. – Because it's surely faster with car.

– Oh, okay – I said and gave him the address while getting dressed. He took me to the corner and from there I ran to Van – who was still sitting on a snowy bench. She was so gloomy and lonely...

– I'm here – I said as I reached and hugged her. She hugged me back and I could feel her body shaking. – Sshh... – I tried to calm her down and caressed her head. I didn't force her saying anything because I knew the feeling of being partly depressed. Nothing works except assuring the other that if anything happens we will be there for her.

– I might have... no place to sleep – she said after calming down a bit while watching the top of her shoes.

– What? – I turned her face to me.

_Really, I didn't even know about her home..._

– I... I was living with Patrick and...

– Ouh... listen...

– Carina gets home by nine from training – she said. – Just be with me until then, please.

– God, three more hours until then! You will catch cold here... Ah, what should I do...

– About what? – she asked when she could see my hesitating face. – Look, it's good just to stay here like this.

– No, it's not good – I commented. – At least one of us will catch cold like this. Aaah, Lord, he will kill me...

– What are you actually talking about? – she gazed at me.

– Listen. Can you keep secrets?

– Ah, of course! For a year I hadn't told anyone that Carina was a bigger YOHIO-fan than her sister... Ooops...

– Ooouh... – I sighed painfully. – Look. Now you will come home with me, but. But you mustn't tell anyone anything either about the location or about Kevin. Got it?

– Of course, I understand... but who he actually is?

– You will see, but now, come.

Diverting her attention from Patrick – tick!

_"__Gomenasai, hime..."_ – I wrote Kevin before I opened the gate. Van and I went to the right floor and I opened the door as well. Stepping in we could hear first Luna barking and running to us and a moment later some guitar's voice from the kitchen.

_Oh, ooh, are you sure you want to practice now?_

– Heey, Kevin, I'm home – I said and as I reached the frame of the door... he began his serenade written for... anyone (me? no, I can't imagine) looking deeply in my eyes (or maybe yes?):

_I've been waiting for you so long -_

_And I still don't know how to act_

_When you appear on the scenes, oh,_

_My heart's beating so fast._

And at this very moment Van stepped behind me and as I could see Kevin's face becoming grumpy I could hear a quiet scream from behind as well. Kevin looked back at me from my classmate, put his guitar down and grasped my wrist while pulling me away from her.

– What the fuck are you doing?! – he asked with that murderously low voice I hoped I wouldn't have to hear again. – Why did you take Vanessa here? Huh? Do you want her to tell everyone about me?

– Ah, you only worry about yourself? How typical to you... But keep calm, she can keep secrets.

– I can't stay calm! Who will you bring next time? Just the class or the whole school? Don't you know how important it is to keep every secret being a secret?

– Cool down, she has just broken up with someone and I must take care of her until...

– Look, do anything you want, I don't care! She can even stay here for night because you won't, I can assure you! Now, take your stuff and go away! I don't even want to see you.

– In this case, be happy, 'cause you won't! – I lay down the law and took my wallet with me. I planned to stay at a hotel for tonight. I didn't really worry about the rest of the nights because I was sure we would make peace soon, he just had to have some time to think everything over carefully. Why didn't I ask Amalia to help? I didn't actually want anyone to know about this...

– Trixie, where are you going? – Van ran to me when she could see me going away from Kevin.

– Don't deal with it just stay here and do everything he tells you to. He's a real gentleman, believe me, he just blew his top because I haven't informed him in time. – I caressed her hair friendly and went to open the door. – Oh, and tell that bastard – I yelled – that I'm sorry I didn't tell him earlier! Bye.

I slammed the door as to make him see my anger and went on my way. I didn't really know what to do but after half an hour walking and shivering in the cold I decided to have a beer in the next pub. Luckily it wasn't far away and I had enough money with me as well.

– Good afternoon – the barista said as I sat in front of her.

– Better – I replied and ordered a beer. While drinking I tried to calm down but it was more difficult than I had thought. – Fuck him! – I hit the bar with my palm and bought two more bottles before going to the inner part and sitting down at a free table. – Patrick, pray for not turning up here today because if so then I will... cut your balls down. – I began drinking my second beer and as it was hot in the cellar soon I was close to being drunk.

– You should stop – a guy sat near me and took the whiskey I had just bought out of my hand.

– Hey, man, I paid for that! – I disagreed in English and tried to get my drink back.

– No, no, keep cool, I don't want you to get drunk – he said. – I'm Seike anyways.

– Hi, Trixie – I stretched my hand as to shake hands. His touch was masculine – ergo enjoyable.

– Nice name – he commented. – Why are you alone here, huh?

– Ah, fuck, it's difficult...

– So because of a man, right? – he asked while trying to look into my eyes. It wasn't easy because my head was bowed down. – Hey, are you awake? – he waved in front of my face.

– I am... – I murmured and a simple moment later suddenly looked up at him. – But why did you come to me?

– Well... it wasn't a good feeling to see a young lady...

– Young? Lady? Ain't you talking about _me_, are you? – I laughed.

– ... drinking herself under the table – he continued as I didn't even say anything. – Here, have some cold water instead.

– Thanks – I accepted. He didn't seem to be dangerous – _Seike... hmm... that name and face... somehow just familiar... _– and later it turned out that nothing was in the glass but clean water. Thinking it over: I was fucking lucky with it. It helped me to get a bit better but I had to go for a walk to clean my head so I apologized and went away. Only after ten minutes did I realize that I had left my wallet somewhere. I frantically began looking for it in my bag and as it wasn't there I had to think of leaving it in the pub. _Oh, shit!_

As I was going down the stairs back to the cellar I accidentally bumped into that nice guy I had forgotten the name of...

– Hi, Trix, you left it there; I've just realized and came to find you. But you are here, so here you are.

– Oh, thanks, S... – I stopped. I didn't want to call him Siegfried for example if his name was Samuel or something.

– Seike – he smiled and took me by shoulder when I wanted to fall on him. – Are you fine, girl?

– Yes, yes, of course I am... – I reacted quickly. He was so gentle and awh...

– Come, sit down – he directed me to a seat and I had to concentrate on not collapsing immediately. – Shall I bring a coffee?

– Uhm, that would be good – I agreed and a minute later I was drinking the hot, brown liquid. – Thanks again – I said after finishing it.

– It doesn't take much – he smiled and bent closer to me. – Where are you from? Because you spoke English with me so you can't be Swedish at all.

– Yes, you're right, I'm not.

– Then?

– Curiosity makes you old... – I threatened him playfully.

– I don't care, I'm curious.

– Why? – I bent closer to him as well.

– Shall I be honest?

– You should – I smiled.

– You actually attracted me when you came in – he whispered into my ears – and I want to get to know you.

– Hmm... shall I be honest as well?

– You should – he nodded smiling.

– I have a boyfriend.

– And why isn't he here? – he asked.

– We... uhm... have a quite interesting relationship and now... he's angry with me because I haven't informed him about something sudden in time.

– Ah, he might be hotheaded.

– He is – I agreed. – But I love him though...

After this sentence of mine he somehow decided to get me or I don't know because he suddenly began asking me about... everything. He even ordered me a beer to keep my _not-yet-drunk_ state.

– So why are you exactly here? – he asked.

– Uh, it's difficult.

– I know, you've told me earlier. I have time.

– Okay then. Huh. I was having a good time with my boyfriend when one of my friends called me – her one had just broken up with her and she asked for my help. I couldn't say no and hurried to her. Then it turned out that she couldn't sleep anywhere so I took her to our flat – my bf wasn't enthusiastic with the idea and told me to get my ass somewhere else.

– With these words? – he raised his eyebrows.

– Of course not but the essence is the same. He sent me away and she stayed there.

– So you're jealous now...?

– No, no, I can't be jealous even if I wanted I couldn't be! She's my friend and he's a gentleman. I have known them for a long time. No, I'm just not jealous at all.

– Hey... do you know where will you spend the night?

– Not yet but I can take care of myself.

– Well, I have a sofa in my living room.. – he murmured _ostensibly_ to himself.

– It's nice of you but I don't think he would be happy about this.

– He doesn't trust you? Then why don't you break up with him? Huh? He tries to keep you in a golden cage! I know, I am a man as well... – he looked up at me meaningfully.

– No, no, it just isn't that! Ah, I don't even know myself what I wanted to say with these...

– Okay, okay, I understand. One more beer?

– Sure – I accepted.

After chatting for some time he asked me to take a photo of us together with his phone and I accepted. We looked quite interesting but – to be honest – I wouldn't be able to say whether we were drunk or not. Then he apologized, went to the restroom and came back only after ten minutes. He said he had had to answer a call so he had gone outside as well.

– What do you like, enjoy doing? – he asked half an hour later and touched my hand. He was somehow having a crush on me but I didn't care; I wanted to show myself (and later either to Kevin) that I can do it without him letting me to do. Yeah, I can chat someone up without his permission. Hmm...

– Well... okay then – I grinned widely. I was a bit drunk so, yeah. Drunk. – I like the nature, I like the scent of something new, I love... – my voice broke for a moment and I continued as I had been crying. – I love being loved... and of course having fun – I laughed. I couldn't do anything with the case we were in. I was nearly crying... for someone I have just met. – What about you? – I asked as to save the situation.

– I mainly like girls like you – he grinned – and hate men who want to keep girls like you in golden cages.

He was looking at me while we were talking but now he was looking up behind me. I turned back and found Kevin there. We stood up immediately.

– You bastard – the blond one said angrily. I haven't seen him like this before. – What are you doing to her? – he shouted at Seike.

– Hey, Kev, cool down, no problem, we're just chatting, seriously, ah... – I said as he pushed me away and went closer to my new acquaintance.

– What did you want to cause by this? – Kevin asked angrily looking deeply in Seike's eyes.

– Okay, stop this circus – I inserted but no one listened.

– Hey, man, keep cool – the other one laughed. – We were just talking about useless things.

– I don't believe you! – he yelled and jumped on Seike.

– Hey, guys, heey – I shouted while running there and tried to get Kevin down from Seike. It wasn't a good idea because they were fighting yet and I got a slap too. But at least I could hear an interesting sentence from the black one:

– I will cause you pain where it aches the most, Mr Iamthebest Kevin Yohio Rehn!

– Ouch – I said as my butt reached the floor.

Kevin was holding Seike by his tee but when he heard me he boxed one more into the other's face and ran to me.

– Are you fine? – he asked but I didn't answer him. – Hey, what's the matter? Huh? – He caressed my back like he didn't do anything some moments ago, like he didn't hit him.

– No, I'm not fine! – I shouted. – You try to treat me as I was a ragdoll!

– Ah – he sighed and sat down. He even pushed his hands into his hair as he wanted to tear it out. – I just wanted to save you... – he whispered for himself so no one could hear it but me. I looked at him not understanding and got up.

– Come – I went to help Seike getting up as well. – Leave this _being_ here.

I had decided to take him to his home because he looked so handicapped alone. He didn't live far away, it took only about fifteen minutes or a bit more to get there but I was far away from every hotel I could go so I finally accepted his offer to stay at his apartment this night.

Getting there my first action was to give some first aid for him because his wounds didn't look nice. Although his injuries weren't too serious he seemed to be a sick puppy while I was holding his right hand as to be able to put a bandage on it.

– Will it be good like this? – I asked when I had finished. – Can you move?

– Yes, I guess so. Thank you – he said and if I didn't turn my face he would have kissed me.

– Er... oh, sorry, it's my phone... – I apologized and silently thanked Vanessa that she always knew when to call people. _Vanessa!_ – Say it – I answered.

– What happened? An hour earlier he got a message that said _"I am with your bitch."_ and some minutes later another – this made him angry and he went away. What the fuck happened, girl? He didn't get home yet, or... wait... he's here but he has a wound on his face... Don't you want to explain this to me, huh?

– Bitch, eh? – I whispered. – Wait, how even did you see these?

– He left his phone on the table for some time... – she said. – But girl, you must explain. He was looking for you frantically out there.

– I can't go home now – I hang up. _Bitch, eh? I will show you what this bitch can do to you..._

– What happened? – Seike opened the door of the balcony where I was phoning.

– Nothing, it was just a classmate – I said going in.

– Oh, I see... – He seemed to hesitate for a moment. – And, what would you like to do now?

– Mainly... – I took a certain step towards him – sleep.

– At half past nine? Come on, night hasn't began yet!

– Yes, but this day has really tired me out and ah, WiFi? Would you give me your code?

– Ah, another nerd... – he sighed and later gave me a piece of paper. – Here you are.

– Thanks – I kissed his left cheek. – And would you please let me have a shower?

– Of course, but wait a moment – he said and a minute later pushed something into my hands. – You'd better not sleep in your clothes.

– Oh, really. Wow, a towel, a tee, and a boxer, how cute! I haven't slept in a boxer for a long time... – I grinned and left to the bathroom. As soon as I got in I opened the water to make some noise and tried out his WiFi. I wrote his name into Google and checked the first founding. Interestingly it was a YOHIO-fanpage and his facebook, tumblr, instagram and twitter came just after this. On this page I could find nearly everything about the guy in the next room. As I had thought he was _that_ person who sang in Seremedy so he must had been Kevin's ex. It was interesting to read it and I was about to ask the admin for some further information when suddenly someone knocked on the door.

– Are you ready yet? – Seike asked.

– Oh, sorry, I will hurry – I replied fast and finally took a rapid shower. – I am sorry, I am really sorry, I am absolutely sorry, I am totally sorry... – I apologized when I came out. I was wearing his clothes and he was waiting for me half-nakedly. I nearly burst out laughing when I saw him because even I had bigger muscles on my whole body than he did.

– Great to see you alive – he smiled and went in. While waiting for him I drank some water and scanned the flat. It was smaller than Kevin's but luckily there was a sofa beyond the double bed so I didn't have to sleep near him. It eased my heart much.

When Seike came out he offered me to sleep on his bed but I rejected it because I didn't want to change his life this much – and also because he couldn't sleep near me on the sofa, but I didn't tell him this as well.

– Ah, I'm not sleepy yet – he said and sat near me on the sofa. – Would you like to watch something? – he asked pointing at the TV.

– And what would be that? – I asked back.

– Hmm... anything you want – he smiled playfully and took me to a cupboard where there were a thousand and one DVDs, I only had to choose.

– Then let me think... – I said and began looking at the titles. There were many films that I had seen several times but there was one I had never heard before and it aroused my interest: its title was _Upside Down_. – Ah, what is this? – I asked.

– A simple Romeo and Juliet story in an interesting universe – he said incidentally. – My ex left them here after breaking up.

– What is her name? – I asked suddenly.

– Oh, ooh, her name is... – he hesitated. – Eden. She is Eden.

– Okay, then check this film – I said and I could see his face becoming painful.

– But that is almost two hours long... – he disagreed.

– Never mind, you aren't sleepy, are you? – I grinned and put the DVD into the player. There weren't any subtitles available and we both understood the same of English. I knew he would be happier if I wanted to watch something less "wet" but – _c'est la vie, chéri,_ – I had a mood for this one.

I personally enjoyed the film but it couldn't be said about him as well – I had to dig him several times to keep him awake. Anyways, the girl's name was Eden in the film as well...

– How romantic... – I said after he turned off the TV. – I wish someone would do these for me as well. – I tried to look meaningfully into Seike's eyes but yet he was lumbering to his bed so I couldn't see anything else but his back. I followed him.

– Good night – he yawned and fell into his bed without even looking at me.

– Better – I said and kissed his forehead. He hesitated for a moment and with his last energy touched my head and kissed me. _Just as I planned..._

I knew it wasn't nice that I was just playing with him but it was not me who started it so I didn't want to lose this time against a man.

– Good night – I grinned when I could feel he didn't even have any energy to sit and I went to the sofa. I waited until he fell asleep and I ran to the bathroom to wash my mouth out. I didn't like his piercings and his kiss at all. He wasn't good at it.

_Ugh, I kissed someone Kevin had kissed as well... Disgusting._

I fell asleep at about midnight and slept as long as I could.

**15****th**** February, 2014.**

It was weird not to wake up for a dog licking my face...

When I got up today he was still sleeping. Moreover, he was still sleeping when I finished cooking rice and frying some ham and eggs. Ah, and I made some coffee for him as well...

– Hey, Seike, aren't you hungry? – I asked him but he just murmured something and turned to his belly. _Hah, laziness itself. Even Kevin wakes up when I inform him that food is ready..._

I shrugged my shoulder and checked the clock. It was ten to eleven so I guessed I should go to the balcony for phoning Van. I wasn't brave enough yet to call Kevin.

– Hi – she answered and I could hear she was more cheerful than yesterday.

_Maybe sleeping caused this... or that Kev told her something. Or both._

– Hi, didn't I wake you up, did I? – I asked immediately.

– No, no, I got up two hours ago. Why did you call, anyways?

– Uh, I don't even know, I just want to know whether he is fine or not, maybe...

– I don't know; he's still asleep. But Luna has eaten, keep cool.

– And what about you?

– Actually I couldn't find any semi-cooked food at home so I couldn't make breakfast...

– Hhh – I sighed. I knew she couldn't make anything edible... but this much?

– Listen, don't you want to come home and...?

– I don't know, I don't know... – I spied around and as I could see Seike still snoring on his bed I decided. – Wait ten minutes and I will be there – I said and hang up. Luckily I was dressed up because I didn't want Seike have juicy thoughts when he saw my bare legs in daylight.

I took my wallet, called a taxi and hurried home. Van was enthusiastic to see me and I had to remind her to stay quiet because Kevin was sleeping. While making food I explained how I became Kevin's fake-girlfriend and my plan of ruining Seike's life – or at least breaking his heart – and we agreed that he deserved this instead of showing his mud up.

– Ah, what do you think_ he_ would think of this? – she asked while biting of my sandwich.

– I have no clue. Not in the least. But I hope he will not hate me for this. He is not a typical avenger-type, neither am I but I just can't wait at a certain place or smile and act as nothing has happened at all. It has and we must take revenge if superiors do nothing. But I should go now before either of them wakes up. Bye – I smiled and made her promise she wouldn't tell anything to Kevin. I knew he would come and stop me I just didn't want to tell it to Van.

– Where have you been? – Seike interrogated me when I got back to his apartment.

– I was bored and also wanted to buy some new clothing so I bought these – I smiled and showed him two T-shirts that I actually brought from home.

– And did it take an hour? – There was no doubt he didn't believe me.

– Do you know how long it usually takes a woman to do the shopping? Next time come with me – I recommended.

– So you want to stay one night more? – he scraped his nape.

– You know I didn't mean like that – I replied fast but he just took me by waist.

– You know – he began – you can stay as long as you wish to – he said and kissed me. _Ugh, phew, phew, phew! Those piercings and that amount of saliva... blaaah, I will vomit..._

I spent all day there and behaved as I enjoyed it but actually I washed my mouth out as many times as I could. And it was a lot of times; he kissed me many more times in one day than Kevin in two months. _Ah, what have I even thought?_

**16****th**** February, 2014.**

Last night I used Seike's sofa again but early in the morning I woke up for someone embracing me from behind. I didn't know how on Earth he had any space left there but he was successful.

_I must think of a suitable revenge soon or I must stay here and oh... I don't want to..._

Later when I woke up again he was trying to make some breakfast but the eggs in the pan looked a bit...

– Good, morning, princess – he smiled when he could see me opening my eyes.

_Ah, why do I feel déjà vu now...?_

– Better – I murmured and got up. – Shall I help? – I asked and got the pan out of his hand.

– Oh, maybe you could... – he said. – Can I help you as well?

– Yes, in this case open the window – I said while throwing the egg out. – And wash it up, please – I continued by pushing the pan into his hands. The kitchen was full of smoke but I could manage on making new breakfast.

– Men... – I murmured in Hungarian. – You simply shouldn't let them cook...

– What's that? – Seike asked.

– Nothing, nothing. Are you ready yet, huh? – I smiled and got a kiss from him. – Hey, I will ruin it, go further, go further.

– Do I confuse you? – he raised his eyebrows grinning.

– You do... – I whispered ostensibly to myself but I actually wanted him to hear it. – Listen, I just want to make some breakfast, okay?

– You don't have to – he took me by waist and bent closer to my face. He obviously wanted to kiss me. – I am hungrier for something else...

– Ah, for... this? – I took a lollipop out of my pocket. – I always have one with me just in case. Who knows when will I be hungry?

– Ah... – he sighed. – Now you messed my mood. – He took my lollipop and began eating it. Meanwhile I made my ham and eggs and sat down for eating.

– What's the matter? – I asked him when I could see his grumpy face. I have already finished eating then.

– Have you got a clue what I wanted to do to you? – he asked.

– Uhm... I have. But I was too hungry for that. C'est la vie, chéri – I smiled and kissed his forehead.

– What? – he raised his eyebrows.

– Such is life, darling – I translated the French sentence. – Can't you speak any French?

– _Déjà vu, déjà vu..._ – he began singing a song. – _We were meant to be together, déjà vu, déjà vu..._

– Who sings it? – I asked.

– I do – he said seriously.

– I didn't mean now but usually – I said because he ruined my joke which I wanted to make him shut up with.

– It is my song – he announced. – It's a Seremedy-song.

– Ah, so you were the singer of Yohio's former band? You should have told me... – I said as I didn't know it before. I could see shock on his face so I thought it was my time. Sudden decisions have always ruled my life anyways. – Ah, and those DVDs... Kev left them here, didn't he? – I continued as someone who knew everything. – Man, I have imagined you a bit more... masculine. And taller. Ah, and someone who kissed better. But don't worry, your pupil was a great student, he outshone his teacher – I winked and he froze. I went to him and kissed his lips (even chew his lower lip a bit) before going home.

Later that day when I explained everything to Kevin and finally Vanessa moved to Carina by swearing she wouldn't tell her anything I could hear in the news that Seike collapsed on the street and got to hospital.

**23****rd**** February, 2014.**

Today we visited Johanna's grave. Finally I got to know her name and I could thank her she gave life to that _bastard_ I was going with. Of course I did all this in Hungarian because I didn't want him to understand what I was saying. My mother's grave was in the same graveyard and I think he did the same with her in Japanese.

**6****th**** March, 2014.**

Humanity showed its idiocy today. More concretely Kevin showed his own idiocy. He was told to wear those fucking gloves while _playing_ with fire, I mean fireballs, but he – of course – didn't do and burnt his palm. Congrats, congrats... I told him that next time also I would kick him in balls if he didn't trust a tradesman. Ah, it's like if he tried to hew a tree without axe, chop vegetables without knife, watch TV without electricity, make film without a camera, pay without money, run without legs or play non-acapella music without musical instruments. As I was telling him these scolds on Skype he bowed his head agreeing and promised to be more careful and less rule breaker.

**8****th**** March, 2014.**

Crossing fingers for Kev... no, for YOHIO. I didn't go with him because I didn't want to show up with him yet – I thought it would be enough in Copenhagen yet. Ah, and as Van has moved to Carina but her parents hasn't have any tickets left for the final show (last time finally she has been able get Eric to go with her) she is here with me. I have shown my diary to her but she was a gentlewoman (how creative word, Lord) and didn't want to read in it. She crosses her fingers as well near me when she doesn't pet Luna. They became great friends.

No, no, no, NO, NOO! NO, it can't be true! I can't believe! CORRUPTION! That... _woman_ got the first place with that song and my Parfé Prince became only the second? This number somehow became his unlucky number... Shit!

Actually Van and I burst out crying when we couldn't hear his name and we had to watch a bad romantic film eating ice cream to make ourselves feel a bit better.

I also sent him a message in which I wrote him not to care because he was my winner but he didn't reply yet. He may be at an after party...

_"__Thanks, I know... but now, I will be free after my new album is gone out. These days were murderous, am I right? Kiss: K"_


	7. 5 - Save One Breath For Me

Chapter Five: Save One Breath For Me

**10****th**** March, 2014.**

– Hi, Kev – I stepped in the flat and put my bag down when I got home from school.

– Hello – he welcomed me as well and came to me as to kiss my cheeks. Meanwhile he touched my hands as well. – Here, some body-cream.

– Why? – I asked eye-widened.

– Your skin is dry – he announced and began spreading it on my hands. Now his touch was more masculine than when I first shook hands with him – it made me smile. – See, it's better now – he looked up at me. – I'm happy to see you happy – he said and kissed my hand. – It's true that women flower when we take care of them...

– No, it's not that – I disagreed immediately.

– Then? – he smiled at me... and took a pen.

– Hey, what are you doing with that? – I asked when I could feel him drawing onto my hand.

– I let you some time to figure out what made you happy.

– And meanwhile you have to draw onto my hand?

– Of course – he laughed and showed me his art.

– _Yohio's love_? – I read the lines on my left hand.

– Look mine – he said. It was a simple _Yohio_.

– Great, and now? – I asked sarcastically.

– Place your palm before your face... like this – he directed my hand. – And some hair here... right. Now, don't move – he said and, as I realized later, took a photo of us with our hands in our faces' place. – It's on insta, babe – he smiled and kissed my right cheek. – So, what made you happy? – he grinned.

– Okay, you won – I laughed and began writing my homework for tomorrow. Ah, my life will be a whole rush-hour from when dance-trainings begin...

**16****th**** March, 2014.**

Sorry for not writing for a few days again, I broke my promise a 100th time now. . But I had to learn, I'm taking the first part of my exams tomorrow. Lord, I'm fucking nervous...

**17****th**** March, 2014.**

Easier than I thought. I only had problems with the language itself! .

Dance will begin tomorrow so I'll have more things to do than I should...

**18****th**** March, 2014.**

First rehearsal was today – of course I couldn't go because Kev had to travel somewhere because of the tomorrow-coming album and Luna got ill so I had to take her to the veterinarian. Luckily it was nothing serious so we got some medicine and could go home but – of course – I was too late from the rehearsal so I simply fell onto the sofa and finally got in touch with the admin of the fansite I found a month ago. I didn't even think of it for four weeks but it just somehow got into my mind that I wanted to do this earlier. I asked further information about the disbanding of Seremedy and especially about the relationship between Yohio and Seike.

**19****th**** March, 2014.**

Grandpa's 70th birthday today, God bless him in Hungary. They actually don't even know I live in Sweden; after Dad's funeral we didn't talk much so I simply sent them a postcard today – because I didn't have to write my address onto it. I think it was my first – and last – connection between my old and new life. I really hope so.

Kevin's new album, _Together We Stand Alone_ is out. I listened to it and concluded happily that his songs were more like rock than pop. He accepted this compliment smirking.

**20****th**** March, 2014.**

Another rehearsal today and finally I could manage on going. The teacher scolded me for not coming last time but then she just told me I would be XYZ's pair – I really can't remember his name, I'm sorry, guy! – and we began practicing the waltz. My partner was really clumsy and stepped on my foot at least ten times – his only luck was that I was wearing my boots so it didn't injure my leg – but I promised him that next time I would be the one who stepped on the other's foot.

I asked Carina and Van about our rocky but they said we couldn't find a teacher yet. How typical to The Miss...

**22****nd**** March, 2014.**

I reached the last page of my diary. Interestingly I could use it for almost a year. But now... I must buy a new one if I want to continue keeping a diary. Ah, I'm simply just used to it; and I don't want to give it up. I will go get a new one tomorrow.

**23****rd**** March, 2014.**

New diary – New life. Isn't it said so?

Today I got my new diary – and I didn't even have to spend any money on it. How? Kevin played the generous – as he always did.

When I woke up today I absolutely forgot what I wanted to do with diaries. The first time I thought about it was when Kevin got home today after the concert he made in Östersund – it was late in the evening yet. He was holding a small pack in his hand.

– What's that? – I asked as soon as I realized it.

– Ah, this? – he asked back a little bit embarrassed and gave it to me. – I just saw it and immediately thought of you. But why don't you open it, huh?

– All right then... – I reacted and began unpacking my present. Then I could see what was in it and my eyes got filled with tears. – You didn't have to buy it...

– Really? – he asked back. – Then I will take it back and someone else will have such a cool diary – he grasped it and if I didn't touch his hand he surely would have taken it away.

– No, it's okay, thanks – I smiled.

– I... I just saw you were at the end of the current one and... I thought you'd appreciate it.

– Yes, you thought well – I smiled a bit embarrassed. He was somehow caring about me...

– Then where's my reward? – he asked mischievously and bent close to me.

– Er... – I began and pushed him away from me. – I don't think we're having that kind of relationship now...

– But... ah, just a bit more than a month ago you were flirting with me – he fell near me to the sofa. He was really embarrassed after I turned him down. But... he had done it with me several times, so I didn't have to care about it, did I?

– Yes, I know, but... Ah, how should I explain? Many things happened and... Then Seike came, and he just...

– So you want to say... – he looked into my eyes while I was bowing my head down. – You prefer girls?! Ah, what a reverse! It seems we will never be together...

– Yes, it seems so – I agreed. – But never mind, I will stay your dude – I hug his shoulder. – And of course I will play my role. You know I'm a good actress – I winked.

– Of course I know – he laughed. – I honestly wanted to see Seike's face when you told him you knew he had been my partner!

– Phew, don't remind me, I hated blaah, kissing him and his personality at all – I commented but joined him laughing as well. – How could you stay with him, anyways?

– I don't know – he looked up to the ceiling and held a pause. – Don't you want to go for a walk?

– Sure – I replied because I felt he wanted to tell me something out there.

We had to dress warmly because the weather here... Lord, a year ago I would have been able to sunbathe at home and now I had to wear a winter-coat not to catch cold. It was more than odd.

– Look, it began raining... – I pushed my hand out when we got out of the building.

– _You can come under my umbrella_ – he sang and first I didn't understand what he was talking about but when I could see the black umbrella in his hand I smiled and went closer to him. – Here – he said when I was close enough – you'd better wear this or people may recognize you.

I obediently took on the sunglasses he gave me, but...

– Hey, I fairly can't see anything! – I said a bit louder than I should.

– Shh, I'm close to you! And you must get used to, my girl – he smirked (it became his habit nowadays...) and we began our walk. He didn't take me far away, I mean now he chose a place that we can say was _in_ Sundsvall, but at least not 30 km's away. As I had learnt from the previous journey, I didn't take any questions until we got there because I was sure he would tell me what I had to know. I believed.

– Here we are – he said. We were at the seaside. – When I was thirteen, I wanted to confess my love for Melanie one day before her birthday. I gave her a letter in which I wished her happy birthday and wrote down the place and the time... and to be punctual. It was right here at half past six. I knew her parents would let her if they knew she was with me, but she didn't come. I took my guitar and a banal love-song I had written only for her but she didn't come. I even had a bouquet of eleven red roses, but she didn't come either. It broke my heart.

I was listening to the story in silence. I never thought he would be such honest with me again, and especially about feelings.

– I gave the flowers to an elderly lady while going home. – While he was speaking he gazed at a bench. He must have been waiting for her there, I guessed so. – At least she could appreciate them. – Now he turned to me and it nearly made me jump backwards.

– Hey, you, don't move so fast! – I scolded him but he just smiled. _Now comes the important part..._ – I thought.

– You're writing my book, aren't you? – I nodded. – You have asked me what I loved in him. Well... the beginning, that I was living in a pod... It's true. I was living in my own world and didn't let my environment inside, or just partly. First... I liked that he wanted me to play in their band and even later he was the one who protected me when the others were rude. And... he always told me tales about loves that became true. Mostly about his relationships, but I didn't know it and I thought he was just making those stories up right there. It was enough for me that I could hear about people living happily in their relationships. I was thankful for all these. And... somehow this thankfulness turned into willingness to get to know him better and to be useful for him; and after I got to know my protector... I began feeling something else. It may have been love, but... if I feel love for you, for the one who always pushes me away... I don't know. Maybe I just felt gratefulness and teenage-fanatism and I confused them with love. Maybe I don't even feel love for you I just try to play my role. Or I only do this because I'm such a mulish... No, what am I talking about? I like you as you were my sister, and... I just... I like that you're so pretty, and kind, and I'm thankful that you accepted this job and made my family – and I – entertain, even if I seemed to hate you. I... I actually was envy of you because everyone loved you, and you know I'm jealous for my sister's love; and even when I was angry with you – you could stay the one who you were. I... I just want to say thank you for all you have done for me. Not everyone could manage on doing this work.

– It sounds like you wanted to send me away. Do you? – I asked semi-seriously.

– No, no, don't even think about this! I just held an honesty-day...

– Now I know what you could see in him. Thank you. But...

– But? – he looked at me eye-widened.

– But unluckily I couldn't realize these values in him, sorry.

– Never mind, fame took his mind. – He was watching the waves of the sea now. – I don't mean it didn't change me a bit as well but I stayed nearly the same as I was before. But he became even more arrogant and directing, he thought with fame and money you could buy real respect and love. He have always been longing for these, I know. As we all do. But I think your play took him down from the top of the clouds and... Now he will try to jump higher 'cause he doesn't want anyone to tear him out from his comfort zone. It's not my fault that he can't accept being defeated...

– It was really... emotional. – He looked at me now. – But I will freeze alive here if we don't go home soon...

– Why didn't you get dressed? Ah, you, girl... – he said and began taking off his coat.

– No, you will catch cold and a singer can't catch cold; it will be good like this; just go home right now – I gabbled and he accepted my choice.

While walking home I was telling him jokes, like _Why is six afraid of seven? Because it has been told that seven ate (eight) nine!_ or _Thrown up white, fallen down red. What's that? Bride!_ and so one. They weren't really funny but I just wanted him to relax a bit. I didn't know yet that it was me who would have needed some relaxation...

**24****th**** March, 2014.**

Why do you always have to be on the title pages? Huh? And he didn't even mention yesterday, what a...

I explain what I think have happened: as it wasn't him who was going to go to the Eurovision Song Contest people and the media were paying less attention on him in spite of his new album so they had to make a scandal as to keep his fame. But not giving autographs to anyone... What are you, a teen-star, or what? Ah, man, I have never heard about a more ridiculous scandal... But at least it turned out who was a real YOHIO-fan and who was just a fashion-fan. I'm sure many people would be happy even if they could see him in live. Anyways, living in the world of fame I realize more and more how planned everything is. There aren't as many improvisations as it seems, everything follows a strict script.

Other thing. Going to the school today an astonishing piece of news was waiting for me: my dance-partner had had a car accident – it made me feel _a bit_ frustrated – and it seemed he would lose even his ability to stand. When I could hear it I sat down on the ground. It shocked me. Partly because someone I had just met got injured and partly because like this there was no chance that I would be able to dress like a princess and dance waltz "on my first ball".

I was enchanted nearly all day; every of my bad memories came back. Daniel's face. Dad's face. That exact day at school. Mom's face and voice when she told me what happened. I have never seen such desperation as then. And the funeral. All of Dad's old and new friends and his colleagues, even his boss came together with Danny's friends and our classmates. I could remember seeing my mother crying for the first time in my life. Although she didn't love him as a man she liked him and this sudden death of him and their son broke her. Also I lost my best friend-brother and the only boy I could ask about men. I could even remember how their coffin looked like. The flowers – red rose and azalea – I threw on them. Everything.

All these pictures were dancing in front of my eyes. I rarely knew where I was and knew even less about what I was doing. Those days I just wanted to wake up from this long, bad dream but since then I had realized I was living in reality so I couldn't even hope that _time would come to set me free_ – as to be stylish enough. I closed my eyes a hundred and one times but I just saw these pictures and if the Literature-teacher didn't let me go out to the toilet at half past one I would have gone insane. I actually wanted to call Kev to take me away from my thoughts and deflect my attention with something. My finger was on the "call" button when I thought it over again: if I asked him to come for me he would have to skip his job for some time and all the school would know I was his mysterious girlfriend – and they would harass me and do things I couldn't even imagine. I didn't want it so I finally decided not to call him. Of course it wouldn't have been me if I accidentally didn't ring him.

– Yes? – an unknown male voice asked.

– Who are you? – I questioned surprised. It could have been no one from the Desaiha, nor Kevin or Tommy, I knew their voices well.

– I am the owner of this number, what about you?

– Don't pull my leg, it's Kevin's number – I answered. _Could someone steal his phone? _– But wait, didn't it write anything? Huh?

– Hi – a more familiar voice said. – Sorry, Seb didn't know you were calling.

– Ah, hello – I said relieved. – But why don't you have me in your contacts?

– I do but you somehow hid your number. But why did you call? Didn't you have to be at school now?

– Ah, nothing, it's just an accidental call – I said.

– So you wanted to check if I was alive and what I was doing right? – he laughed.

– We could say – I smiled. I didn't want to harass him with my problems, even my existence was a problem big enough for him.

– I'm working anyway – he continued. – Don't you want to see how we practice for the tour?

– Ah, really, I totally forgot about it – I said and as now I had an objection to hang up I played on it – then I leave you guys work, bye – I said and wanted to touch the red button under the screen. Everything I could hear after I moved my phone further from my ears was a pale sentence that seemed to be something like _I love you._

_Hmm... would he love me?_

After this call I sighed sitting to the ground. It was cold but I didn't care because I needed to cool myself down somehow.

_What should I do now? Shall I visit him in the hospital? No, I can't even go close to that building. And what about the dance? Do I really have to wait until my wedding to dress like a princess or what? I won't even get married, I will never marry any women I just wanted to get further from Kevin and all men as well. I could have been a princess at my old school this year – and now also this only chance is taken from me._

I shouted one before I could get up and lumber back to my lesson.

I spent the remaining part of the afternoon in the practice-room with the guys and tried not to show them how I felt. Kevin seemed to enjoy what he was doing and I didn't want to ruin his mood with mine.

– Hey, I'm sorry for what I've done – Seb sat near me after the band has played the You're The One. – I didn't know who it was and... – he hesitated for a while.

– I know – I replied. – I would have done the same 'cause we must protect him from his fans.

– Being famous is like shit – he leaned back near me on the sofa. – So I'm happy to be just his friend who can hide into the shadow, it's much easier.

– Great for you, I have to play his girlfriend. But he could play mine better – I chuckled.

– It's a great idea, I will ask Eve to give him the pair of bras I've been wearing at Christmas – he joined me. – I favour the idea – he said finally and gave me a high-five. – He could wear those sexy dresses he used to as well.

– He must have looked interesting in them for the first time – I wondered.

– He did so – Seb agreed. – But he was my friend so I didn't mention it. You know how huffy he can be.

– Yes, I do – I smiled. – But if I had been you I actually couldn't have stood not telling him to be my girlfriend, only once.

– Hey, you didn't see him when he first came to school in make-up – he continued. – Everyone told him things like that and some people bullied him as well. He was taxed with being gay and transsexual... and we were only twelve then!

– Never mind, I was eleven when I began listening to Tokio Hotel and a friend of mine told me I was a lesbian emo who hacked her vessels – I said as I looked at the guys who still played something. – She didn't even know what it meant but I did so and it ached.

– You don't seem to enjoy being here – he said later. – You'd prefer doing, or _making_ _something_ together with him, right? – he dug me smirking.

– Heey – I laughed. – Uhm, well, I'd prefer seeing him in that situation... – I agreed.

– Ah, what a perverse girl! Did you fall for him or what?

– ...with you, sweetie – I laughed and hit his head lightly.

– What do you think...! – he looked at me surprised.

– Okay, okay, I know I wanted too much... – I said and as I could see him calming down I finished my thoughts. – ... but please, send me the video you make asap.

He couldn't say anything for my sentence but stared at me with mouth open.

– But please, be the seme, I don't want to see my uke-chan fucking a man and he, you know, enjoys when I apply the broomstick...

– Hey, hey, what are you talking about? – Kev sat near us. They had finished practicing another song and I guess he heard my sentence with the broomstick...

– Ah, I just told him to fuck you with floured dick, dry, and spin it in your ass until its coat gets fried – I said with deadly seriousness.

– Ain't you a bit perverse again? – he laughed. – See, you frightened them!

I looked around and acknowledged a victory by grinning widely.

– Next time don't tell them about our bedroom-secrets! – He tried to wink but he cramped from laughter. – Hey, guys, everything's okay, we were just kidding, you know that I am the one who has the trousers...

– From the ironing-board until the wardrobe – I laughed with Kevin and the other's joined us shyly. – Hey, we really were just kidding, don't even notice it – I said as to calm their souls.

– If I didn't see you had breasts I would think you were a boy – Fredrik told me.

– C'est la vie, chéri – I shrugged my shoulder.

– Hey, don't call him darling – Kevin glared at me jealously.

– Haven't you realized that I call everyone darling, sweetie or kitten, Dear? – I asked back.

– Like an old married pair, ain't them? – Warcus whispered to the others.

– I have heard – I said and grinned at them with murderous grin.

– Hey, guys, you'd better know she's just a lesbian actress – Kevin announced as he looked at them – so we're just friends. But don't you want to practice now? – he grinned and bent close to my face.

– What don't you figure out, we have enough time to show me to the public, huh? – I asked and pushed him away from me.

– Did you see? The great Yohio was turned down – Fred laughed and boxed in Kev's shoulder. – Come, dude, let's play.

– Okay, okay – he got up and went back to his mic. – Trix, which one is your favourite track from the new album? – he asked as soon as he got there.

– Well... – I stuttered embarrassed. – I haven't memorized all, but... Rocket left its mark on me.

– Got it – he said and began declaring the song that they would play. – And now, the song my sweetheart loves the most from this new album that tells about how I felt before I met her again and how she changed me: Rocket! – he shouted and the band began playing the tune. Soon he sang _Chasing shadows in the darkness_... and my mouth began to smile without my permission – I loved that paradox in the lyrics, it made them poetic.

Realized it or not, he made my day better with his behaviour – but if he keeps on acting like this he will be tiring after a while. He could understand that I don't want anything from him, I did the same when I got to know he was homosexual although I had been fallen for him yet. Ah, Lord, I feel I am the man in our relationship...

**25****th**** March, 2014.**

Another practice today, teachers don't let us lounge because of an accident that happened to one of us. Ah, and our class' teacher could finally find someone who could teach us how to rock the world with dancing rock'n'roll. As it was the first rehearsal we didn't really need our partners – I also didn't have any because we were more girls in the class. After the lesson the Miss told me I could ask any younger pupil or old boy to be my partner but... but I don't even know any of them! Just Kevin but it would look way too odd and he wouldn't even accept it.

**27****th**** March, 2014.**

Practicing again... Lord, they really don't treat it as a joke... but as I had no partner I didn't even go but decided to have a cappuccino somewhere in the town centre. I wanted to spend my afternoon alone with some brown liquid in my cup – but of course God didn't let me and sent someone who could cheer me up within ten minutes.

– Oh, my dear God, who plays the depressed bitch right here? – he welcomed me and sat down without asking for my permission. Brave.

– Get dived, Seb – I answered. – I have no mood for your jokes.

– But what happened? – he bent close to my face. – You're young, strong and don't even have to learn as hard as I do in high school. You're a fucking winner-type.

– Shall I give you a list of my problems? – I forced a smile onto my face.

– No but you should order me a coffee, I have mood for that – he said.

– Are you sure? – I asked. – You'd better take care of your heart's health.

– Just as you... – he said incidentally.

– What? – I asked back. _May I have heard well?_

– Nothing, but if you don't let me drink coffee then give me a gulp from yours – he said and drank before I could tell him that I was having...

– Ouch, what is this, it's so hot that I couldn't swallow! – he said as he did so. _What a liar..._

– Dievocka – I told him and drank. – Yeah, it's pretty hot – I agreed.

– What? – he looked up at me. – Don't call me a girl!

– Why? Every pussy can drink it and you can't? I feel something's wrong with you – I winked and both of us began to chuckle.

– Girl, you made my day – he boxed into my shoulder. – But now, tell me which dick made you sad and I...

– No, Seb, thanks, he has enough problems without you as well – I calmed him down. – But thanks.

– Hey, if it was Yoh... I mean Kevin then I'll kick him in the testicles – he said and gulped more from my drink. – Making a pretty woman sad is one of the biggest sins. And he also doesn't use them, right? Then we should for example fasten him to a tree and cut them down. I'd laugh if I saw him holding his own balls.

– Okay, finish it now – I pushed my hand to his mouth.

– Then tell me about your problem – he said.

– Why would I do?

– Listen, Kevin saw you didn't feel good at home but he didn't want to ask you directly so he asked me to sound it out. He was afraid you had some problems with him.

– No, I have no – I said. – There's something else that made me gloomy, nowadays I don't even notice his acts and so I turn him down.

– You should sometimes turn his volume down... or... no, his head would be better – he laughed.

– You're so fucking friendly with him don't you think so?

– We've known each other since the age of 6 so we can't get upset if the other says something rude – he smiled. – After being in a good friendship with someone for more than a year... actually after one simple year you can test your friendship's strength with telling slangs to each other. Those who get mad don't even matter.

– But he does so! Every time I tell him something, anything he gets huffy and I need a whole afternoon to make peace.

– You're not in the kind of relationship he wants to – Seb said. – In these cases he's a really pique cock.

– We're at the topic again... – I said. – Could I spend an only afternoon without thinking of him meanwhile? I have enough problems without another man to worry about.

– Hmm, sounds interesting, could you please tell me more about it? – he asked with such uninterested face that I couldn't stand without letting out a small laughter.

– You bastard – I hit his head softly and began my story. – You know my school wants to make our school-leaving ceremony a bigger event than it usually is and so we have to learn two dances that we will have to show to the public.

– And what's the matter? – he asked. – Can't you dance or don't you want to?

– My partner had a serious accident and it seems he wouldn't be able to stand ever more – I told him and tried to stay as calm as I could. – And I know no one else apart from my class from the school and even less old boys.

– I see – he answered and seemed to think about something strongly.

– We're having a rehearsal just in half an hour but I've come here instead. I didn't want to see those girls dancing about whom I knew would be princesses soon.

– What two dances are you going to show up with? – he asked seriously.

– Waltz and rocky – I said wondering what he wanted.

– Okay – he said after hesitating for some seconds. – Come – he grabbed my wrist and pulled me out of the building.

– Hey, at least let me drink my cappuccino – I wrenched my hand out from his and did so.

– Now come – he grabbed my wrist again and didn't release it until we got to my school.

– What are we doing here? – I asked him as we went into the building.

– Feel honoured because I offer you my services – he smiled and we went to the sport centre. There were no one inside when we went in – everyone was getting dressed at the moment.

– But have you ever danced? – I asked him as I looked up at him. We were sitting on a form.

– No but seeing you that gloomy pissed me off – he dug my side. – Don't misunderstand me but as I've said making a pretty woman sad is one of the biggest sins – he grinned. – And you're khm... Kevin's _friend_ – he lay stress on the word "friend" – and you know his friends are my friends.

– Thanks, you saved me from getting insane – I hugged him.

– Why is it so important for you anyways? – he asked.

– You know every woman wants to be a princess even if they don't confess. If they don't want to they aren't real women. But as I will never get married, and this chance was taken from me although I totally worked myself up to this...

– And what about rocky? – he took the question.

– It was me who suggested – I smiled but he must have seen gloom on my face because he hugged me.

– Stay strong, everything will be fine – he said and caressed my hair; then we were sitting there in silence.

– Who can't I find here... – Ellie came in and welcomed me like this. – Goth, how could you find someone who accepted to be your partner?

– Be careful with her – Seb whispered into my ears. – She's dangerous.

– You don't say – I whispered back. – She's my classmate.

– Didn't your mom teach you that whispering was impolite when you were in a company? – Plain attack against me.

– Ah, how cold it is in here – I looked at Sebbie who gifted me with a surprised face. – And the wind blows so loudly. Come, look for a warmer place – I stood up and went to a corner with my partner.

– What have you done, she will kill us – he chuckled as we stopped.

– You say so but you actually laugh – I joined him.

– I can't stop it; Jesus, someone ignored, no, actually crabbed Ellie "Miss Divine Cuteness" Jansen... it's a new phenomenon, please, keep going on like this – he boxed into my shoulder so strongly that I hunched up.

– Hey, don't punch me or I won't be able to dance! – I laughed proudly. Yes, I told her my things to tell her; that others wanted to tell her sometimes.

– It wouldn't matter because I hate dance.

– Then why did you offer?

– I could see you needed my help – he began. – And I also wanted to give a finger to Kevin with this. He should pay more attention on you.

– Believe me, he pays even more than he should – I said again gloomily.

– Girl, you don't know what you want – he replied and spun me. – But you at least can twirl around your axis so there won't be serious problems.

– Man, have you ever seen how to dance rocky? – I asked him.

– No but may I see today? – he grinned.

– Sure – I replied fast and didn't tell him that he would have to lift me at least three times.

We were chatting for some time about my classmates that came in – all were staring and pointing at us; might they realize he was Kevin's best friend? Never mind.

The door next to us opened up and the Miss came in. She first just stared at me because she didn't expect me to come, then she realized my partner.

– Mr Lun... – she began at a high volume but both of us glared at her so she didn't continue. – What are you doing here? – she asked at a much lower volume.

– I'm Beatrix's partner – he grinned and decided that it would be a finished conversation. – Trix, what will you be doing after this rehearsal? – he turned to me.

– Hmm, I don't know, maybe just go home and have a rest – I replied. – Why, would you like to do something together?

– Well, we may watch a movie... – he began and I could see he was watching the Miss going to the microphone-stand. – Ah, how I hate her – he said as she got there.

– What's the problem with her?

– She was my Maths-teacher and I have never been good at it. I was trying all the time but she gave me bad marks so I finally gave up learning.

– I see – I answered.

– But she seems to like you even more than she likes me – he whispered.

– She have seen and heard me doing interesting things and she doesn't seem to enjoy that I sometimes finish the test we write twenty minutes earlier and just sit there in the corner showing my boredom to everyone. And also the fact that I usually use formulas taught in high schools annoys her.

– Pupils – the Miss' voice pealed through the air. – As Beatrix could find another pair for herself your wish will become true and I will be able to dance with you; my partner is Hans. That's all I wanted to announce – she said by looking horrifying satisfied at us and gave the mic to the dance-teacher.

– What? – Seb looked at me surprised. – You would have been able to choose him?

– I didn't even know about this and counting anyhow it just isn't right. We were more girls...

– Okay, never mind, I have offered my services so I will finish it. Good luck, I'm really bad – he smiled.

– Same here, and I also wear my boots – I replied and both of us started to chuckle.

– So hold her hand like this – the teacher showed us while we were chatting with Seb. – And one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four. Now you. One, two, three, four – she counted and we had to step well.

Actually Seb turned out to be a better dancer than any of us expected. We got used to each other, and got on with really well. After the rehearsal we really went home together and he only left when I closed the door.

– What have you been doing with the Leaky-eared? – Kev asked as soon as I turned back.

– Leaky-eared? Sounds good, I keep it – I showed him "like"-signs.

– So what were you doing together this long? – he asked again a bit angrily.

– You've stated him at me, I just play on it. – I began playing with my hair spectacularly.

– Hey, hey, didn't you tell me you were lesbian? – he grabbed my arm. – Or you just wanted to get further from me and closer to him?

– How ridiculous you are – I laughed and shook his hand off from my arm. – Listen. I really don't want anything either from you or from any men. He just saw me at a café where I spent my time instead of going to the rehearsal without dance partner and he offered to be mine. Practicing took this much time, don't be jealous.

– So that's why you have been so gloomy nowadays, right?

– Right.

– You could have told me.. or asked me... – His face flowered by saying it.

– This is your second ridiculous sentence within one minute; aren't you fed up with it? Lord, how childish you are...

– But you like childish men, ain't you? – he took me by waist.

– That's the past, now leave me alone I have to write some homework...

– Some Biology practical exercise...? – he kissed my neck where he knew I loved. – I shall help.

– If you want to help this much then I let you – I said. – Here, write me an essay about how the Second World War changed the way artists create. I don't have willingness for it.

– Heey – he yelled at me. – Do you think you can play this with me as well? I'm not Seike, the one who tries to exploit others fame, I'm Yohio, an internationally regarded and beloved shining star.

– So what? And be careful 'coz moving on like this you'll become a fading star soon.

– How do you mean it? – he looked at me surprised.

– Resize your XXL-face to M 'cause in real life girls don't fall for arrogant assholes like in doramas but for emotional and moving men.

– Then why have you fallen for me, huh? – he hugged me again.

– You'd better say _had_ and don't treat me as I still liked you. You were different and also it was just a slip. I want to forget about it – I whispered as I turned away from him and sat down.

– Then why don't you get your stuff and leave? – he asked angrily. – Don't tempt me!

– Believe me I want to do that but ah, what's the matter? – I looked at him as I didn't know the answer. – I have signed a fucking contract that chains me to you! – I shouted.

– WHAT? – he looked at me with eyes widened.

– You really thought that I spontaneously and hilariously endured your childish behaviour in the last some days? Are you fucking kidding me? Where's the peeping camera? – I said it more than asked for showing it to me.

– I.. I... how long does the contract last? – he asked finally. He couldn't apologize.

– 12th July – I answered. – Or if you can find a _real_ girlfriend earlier. But I don't know why he had chosen that day...

– It's my birthday – he replied.

– Ah, so then that's the cause. If I, your perfect pair, the Angel, who pulled you out from depression leave you on your birthday _that_ would be a great scandal again and the media would focus on you even if you didn't deserve it.

– Or – he began his idea that (I have to say) was more optimistic than mine. – You may fall for me again and the continuation of our relationship would be my birthday present.

– Nonsense – I laughed and began to write my homework. – Shall I write about Hungarians as well or just the Swedish ones? – I asked from myself.

– I'm going to have a concert in Copenhagen tomorrow. Would you like to come? – he asked half an hour later.

– I would but I have lessons until six – I replied not even looking up from my exercise book. – Good luck and don't fear me; ask Sebastian to come here instead and take care of me.

– Hey, I have told you not to have a crush on him right? And he can't even dance why do you still want him to be your partner? – he asked jealously.

_I've even forgotten how cute men can be when they fear their girl. Ah, how adorable... No, Trixie, you must stay strong!_

– Because he's my friend and, as he has said, you can't do this for me so he offers his services instead of you. I needed it and I accepted. Are you satisfied?

– I want to watch your performance – he said and after giving a kiss onto my forehead he went to have a shower and a nice rest. It didn't even take ten minutes and I got a message from Seb:

_"__I can hear you want me to join you watching a film tomorrow. Shall I take drama or comedy?_

_S"_

He made me smile and also Kevin did so, who informed him as soon as possible because he wanted to protect me. I told Sebbie to bring anything that wasn't horror and then just wrote this to my childish and jealous and huffy flatmate:

_"__Arigatou gozaimasu, hime-sama!"_

– You're welcome – I could hear from his room. – But please, get out of the habit of writing to me in Japanese! I want to answer in that language too but I know you wouldn't understand! And now finish your fucking homework and go to bed! It annoys me that you're still awake.

– Okay, I will do both! Good night – I said and decided that I would finish Maths tomorrow.

**28****th**** March, 2014.**

I could manage on finishing my homework before the lesson started and after school I asked Vanessa to come home with me because I didn't remember about Seb's visit. We decided to buy some ice-cream and write homework together. I offered her a beer as well but as a whole crate was cheaper we finally got home with six packs. Of course we didn't plan to dry it all up because I knew what Van was like when she was drunk and I didn't either want to go to a Friday-night party or to get in intimate relationship with my friend.

We were going up the stairs with our package when we could see someone in sunglasses and hat leaning against the wall near our flat. It couldn't have been Kevin because he went to the Danish capital yet at night while I was sleeping.

– Hello girls – Sebbie's voice said. – Shall I open the door?

– Who...? – Van asked when her gaze fell on him.

– Yes, here you are, the keys – I said to Seb and he opened the door. We went in and took our stuff down. – Hey, cock, I totally forgot that you would come – I welcomed him.

– Never mind but as I can see you brought some beer for me – he took the crate.

– Hey – Vanessa yelled at him.

– Okay, you two might get one pack – he said and sat down on the sofa with his treasure.

– What is he doing here? – Vanessa whispered to me. – And who he is?

– He's Sebastian, Kevin's best friend. Yesterday he promised me to come and watch a movie with me so he is here.

– Lord, a man that keeps his promise! – she said a bit louder than she spoke before and I could see that she melted like sugar in hot water.

– Come, Van, we must write our homework before going to the party you told me.

– Which party? – she asked back.

– You know – I said at high volume – where those who get there before eight get free drinks.

– Ah, that party – she winked. – Yes, let's write it – she agreed and we sat down to write our homework.

– If you get free drinks then I can have this all, right? – Seb asked us.

– No – I said. – We paid for it so please put it in the fridge with the ice cream.

– Got it – he said and did so. Some minutes later he seemed get bored. – I brought all of the films about the Avengers, the Interview With The Vampire and the Queen Of The Damned.

– I don't like gay vamps – Van said. We nearly finished with our stuff so it was a good idea to choose something to watch.

– And I've already seen all of the Avenger-films at least twice – I added

– Then our favourite musician Lestat – Seb summarized and turned the TV on. As soon as we finished I went to the fridge and took our beers, the ice-cream and three spoons with me.

– Thanks – Van said as I gave her a spoon and a beer.

– Only one? – Seb asked when he got his as well.

– We can have only two per person – I said and when I placed the ice-cream in my laps both of them went on it and it nearly fell onto the ground. – Hey, softer! – I yelled and all the three of us burst out in laughter.

At the middle of the film, when Lestat saved Jessie's life in front of the Admiral's I went to the toilet and when I got back some minutes later – Jessie was telling David she was going to go to Lestat's concert to the Death Valley, California – Sebbie was sitting horrified on the edge of the sofa, Vanessa near him gazing at his eyes totally enchanted.

– Haha – I laughed when I realized what was going on. Now Van noticed me and drew further from him. – Just stay there, I don't mind – I said and sat near them.

Ten minutes later Seb stood up and sat down on my other side – it resulted that Van pushed her elbows deep in my thigh. It was the moment when I got fed up.

– Hey, guys! – I yelled. – Don't flirt in front of me! Now I'm sitting down here onto the ground and you two do anything but don't bother me watching the film. Thanks!

I placed my butt huffily on the rug and those two somehow calmed down.

After finishing the film Seb said he had to go home so Van asked him if he wanted her to walk him home. He refused her offer embarrassed and as Vanessa _really_ had to go home (Carina called her to hurry her up) he stayed some more minutes so he could miss her.

– Hey, she just likes you – I boxed into his shoulder. – Imagine, Kevin feels the concentrated version of it every day.

– It's something he has wished but I have never wanted to be a star or... – she stopped.

– What's that? Huh? – I asked curiously. – Don't you dare say you've never wanted any girl to fall for you – I grinned.

– I actually wanted to say exactly that – he looked at me. – But thinking it over... it would sound gay, right?

– Even more homosexual than those dicks in Anne Rice's books – I agreed.

– So you think I should make a try? – he asked. He looked like a 5-year-old boy in love.

– I didn't say anything – I raised my hands to save myself. – But be careful she was kicked out from his ex-boyfriend's house on Valentine's Day.

– Understood, understood, but now also I should go home. Well, it was great to see you and watch this masterpiece together – he said. We gave those three-kisses-on-cheeks for each other and he left. I fed Luna and went to sleep.

**19****th**** April, 2014.**

– WHAT? – I asked when I read that certain article. I nearly swallowed my toast aside. It was the first time I bought a daily newspaper but if they had this shocking piece of news then I might never again buy one. I like to have my breakfast in peace and silence.

_Haha, good joke. This situation isn't even peaceful or silent but... At least I could eat calmly until I opened this shit. Daily papers, don't rely on me. You didn't win me._

– What's that? – Kevin and Sebbie asked at the same time. We were sitting in the studio and eating some stuff I could make fast and especially easily.

– Look – I showed them the editorial.

– What are you kids doing? – Tommy stepped in.

– Hey, Dad, have you heard of it? – Kev interrogated his father. – Is it why you asked us to come here together?

– So you got to know it. – He confessed. – Sit back. What do you think? Would you like to do it or not?

– Ah, I don't know – he sat back and placed his face in his palms. – You know that it was my dream but I didn't feel it would be fair.

– Dude, look – Sebbie began. – It's a chance that never ever comes back. You personally told me that you would never again try it. Second place isn't good enough for you so you don't even try as not to fail.

– When did I say these? – he asked back a bit nervously. – Second place isn't good enough so I must try until I become the best! You confused it with the things I told you about love.

– What did you say about love? – Tommy asked together with me.

– Dad, it was after I broke up with Him.

– Which Him? – he interrogated him. – Ah, never mind, it's enough that it was a man. Now we should concentrate on this. Son, I'd be really-really satisfied if you decided to make it but I won't get mad if you don't do. It's totally up to you. I'd even cancel your tour and hold it weeks later because it's a really good chance that never ever comes back. We can't be sure if they like your song next year or not; and also Trixie has to show up officially sooner or later. It's better, and a lot of times safer to go to Copenhagen with her than to take her to your tour. Your insane-kind-of-fans may try to hurt her.

– And what about Copenhagen? _Hi, guys, I took my woman here, memorize her face because she's the one I love and if you hurt her you will be sued by me!_ It sounds so awful!

– It does so – I agreed. – Don't you even want to take me to the stages and make this confession there? I bet it would be a great hit! – I said ironically.

– Hm, not bad idea – Kev thought it over. – Dad!

– Uhm? – he looked at his son curiously. In fact all the three of us did so.

– We have the possibility to make a small change in the show, right?

– We do so, but... what the Hell have you found out?

– Trixie could be showed by appearing in my show. What do you guys think? – he asked.

– Don't you want me to even kiss you in front of that many people? – I continued being ironical. This role suited me well so I decided to keep it.

– Hmm, not a bad idea... And you should even wear a ring... As you were engaged – Tommy added. He seemed to be enthusiastic with the idea.

– And what will happen when my contract expires? – I tried to bring them down to the ground.

– We didn't get on well, we argued a lot and we decided to be friends instead. OR you can stay with me – my _cute_ fake-boyfriend smirked.

– Is getting ridiculous your hobby? – I asked a bit huffily. – But I don't mind, we can make a try. But... – something came into my mind. – I still don't know what you gave me when you came home from the filming in Japan! Ah, what a great idea! Your present could be the ring.

– What are you talking about? – Sebbie asked confused. He didn't understand a simple thing.

– Our Fake Story! You know, the book I'm writing in his name – I pointed at Kev.

– Ah, okay, got it – he said. – By the way, I like this idea, can I help somehow?

– Hmm... yes – Tommy said. – You shall go to several jewellery-shops with Beatrix and find a really big and impressive but also tasteful ring.

– Why can't I do it alone? – I asked.

– Because you would buy the first your eyes fall on and finished this challenge asap – Kevin replied.

– I still don't know how you could manage on failing to get to know me this much – I said and stood up. – Come, Seb, I want to go on a whole-day-long shopping tour for a _really_ big – I stressed it – and glittering ring. We have decided that Kevin would take responsibility and go to Copenhagen in place of the cardiac diseased Sanna Nielsen. – We're gone, you guys should visit her in the hospital – I said and left with my dance partner.

We went to at least ten shops in five different towns before I could choose – Sebbie was awfully fed up with me.

– Just take one so we can leave – he looked at me with puppy-eyes.

– Hold on, I don't like either of these – I whispered and so we left.

– And now? – he asked hopelessly. – We have checked all the jewellery-shops far and near!

– Well, there was a ring I liked... in the first one – I said and left to the car's direction. We only had one and a half hour before it closed and we were in another town so we had to hurry. – Are you coming, man?

– Lord, why do you beat me with women? – he looked up to the sky while coming.

Finally the ring we bought was a white gold one with moonstone crystal. I was hesitating between this and rose quartz but I thought moonstone suited Kevin and his Angel more.

When we got home Kevin had already gone to visit Sanna in the hospital so I could only Skype with him. He asked why I didn't buy both but he liked my choice. He also made me promise to go back next time and get the other one as well.

**20****th**** April, 2014.**

Happy birthday, Dad!

Oh, I could manage on writing this one down without any teardrops. Yay, I'm becoming even better and better!

YOHIO's tour had to be cancelled and held two weeks later. Scandal, from the juiciest ones but it didn't bother most of the fans because they were happy that Europe could get to know their beloved idol. It turned out again who was a real fan who wasn't – as in March.

– Be aware of your acts – I warned him. – If you keep on causing scandals you will become the Swedish Justin Bieber!

– Don't be afraid, I don't plan any scandals in the future – he grinned. We were sitting at home trying to write Our Fake Story.

– We haven't accepted any titles for the book – I realized.

– Why, may you be ready? – he asked a bit cynically.

– No but it frustrates me that it has no title – I lay down the law.

– Then name it – he lay back on the sofa. – Ouch! – he breathed slightly a moment later when I nearly pushed my elbow in his belly.

– Don't whine, I didn't even touch you – I said and turned back to my computer as to be able to work. – So – I said while writing a sentence down. – We couldn't give any title to the story yet because we didn't know what it was about. Now I will make a summary that contains the most important data and after reading it, please, react.

– But we have already made a summary when you began writing it – he disagreed.

– Yes, but it changed a bit since I began so let me work – I announced and started to work. It took me about half an hour to select important parts and save them into another document as quotations from the original text for explaining or illustrating the step on my list. – Here you are – I said when I finished and handled him my netbook.

– Okay... – he accepted and began reading my short summary. – Why do you call yourself an angel, anyways? – he asked incidentally after finishing reading. I always checked his face while he read – I found it more or less satisfied.

– It just came like this. You know, calling me your Angel means a deeper love between us and I also refer to the beginning, that I took you out of depression – I explained.

– Hmm... Let me think – he said and after he got up searched a paper and began writing words on it.

– What's that? – I searched his face.

– Look. I could figure out four titles, please, discuss about them together – he asked me.

_Angel In Disguise; Angel In The Details; Angel On The Whole, Devil In The Details; My Heavensent_ I could read the lines. All were titles that suited the story well, but...

– Let's see. Angel In Disguise is too Cinema Bizarre – I began – and Angel On The Whole, Devin In The Details is just simply too long. But I like Angel In The Details and My Heavensent. But why would you give it these names? – I looked up at him.

– Angel In The Details is originally from the saying devil in the details and My Heavensent would mean both luck and a person sent from Heaven – he explained.

– Which do you prefer? – I asked. I didn't think before that this small thing, that I usually called myself an angel would even give a title to the whole story.

– I prefer the truth, so _Angel On The Whole, Devil In The Details_ – he laughed.

– Ah, you little... – I grinned and boxed into his shoulder. – My favourite is _Angel In The Details_ anyways so... bargain? – I asked.

– Bargain – he accepted and we shook hands. – But you must let me kiss you now – he added.

– Ah, and whatever else you figure out – I rolled my eyes and he finally gave a kiss onto my right cheek.

– Hey, you imp! – he laughed and we began playing tag in the flat. Some seconds later Luna joined us and it was always her who caught the others first.

**21****st**** April, 2014.**

Although I didn't think it would be a good idea to kiss in front of the audience of the Eurovision Song Contest the boys wanted it and also Kevin knew I had a contract so he played on his situation and after the band finished practicing the song he decided to practice our public kiss.

_Fuck him! Get totally fucked, Mr Kevin Rehn! Don't you dare to push your tongue into my mouth again! Would you like to die?_

Doing the act with him wasn't really embarrassing, I have already done it several times. Okay, not several times but more than once. But having an audience and doing this in public was a bit more embarrassing. And that I couldn't hesitate before doing it and before going up to the stage... Ugh...

**22****nd**** April, 2014.**

Dancing goes better and better but Vanessa always looks at Seb and me as she was jealous. I tried to explain her that he isn't interested in me at all – and vice versa as well – but then she asked whether I knew if he liked her or not and as I hesitated for a moment and finally couldn't give appropriate answer she glared at me for a moment but then just hugged me and left – she had to go home fast.

I actually never ever talked about girls with him although we could have done during the rehearsals and later, when we went to have a pizza somewhere together. But we usually talked about the dance and he told me stories about my teachers. Sometimes I joined him and talked about the nearly twelve years I had spent in school. I also told him my favourite one, that aged eight I bet one of my boy classmates and later I always fought with another one. We actually hated each other but teachers luckily never knew about my fights so I could keep the show of being a good and well-behaved student – who spoke a bit more than she should.

**23****rd**** April, 2014.**

Seb was happy about my existence again because we had to go to several shops and find out what kind of dress I would wear. I only knew it had to be an evening dress and that I wanted a black one. Black bride... it sounds good! Like Black Veil Brides... Sorry, everything reminds me to a song or a band.

We again visited at least ten shops or even more whereupon I knew what I wanted. My dress had to be first of all black, short, strapless and made of silk or the fabric of tutu. His seamstress would make it for me. Glittering black heels. About my hair I had a much clearer idea: it had to be straight, half up so my face could be seen but as half would be down the length did as well. We also went back to the jewellery shop and bought the other ring and some moonstone into my ears and neck. I would wear them and the Ring on the right hand. Simple bracelet; because bracelet is something that can't be missing from the set of an elegant woman.

Make-up: grey smoky eyes and black eyeliner, pale lips. Brand new French manicure because a woman's hand shows how well-groomed she is. I wanna show my best and don't let anyone say I'm not good enough for him.

**28****th**** April, 2014.**

The first article that didn't tell only about my existence but truly about me came out this morning. I didn't think before that sending a small present to Sanna would make my image good before people would get to know me. Actually it was Carina who pushed her phone under my nose and made me read the article.

_"__YOHIO's girlfriend wishes the best for her love's ex-opponent!_

_Yesterday late in the evening Sanna Nielsen got a small package with a gold and rose quartz ring inside with a letter – a handwritten letter! The sender was the young man's unknown girlfriend who told the singer that she wanted her to get better soon and sent her the stone because it was believed to heal cardiac-diseases and although she herself didn't believe in it she wanted it to be at least a positive gesture. She said it was the least she could do for her. Then in seven lines she expounded how grateful they were that Miss Nielsen had recommended YOHIO to go to the Eurovision Song Contest in place of her although she may had been well yet when the show would be held. She said she couldn't express her feelings towards her but she tried though and so she discussed in five more lines that the singer made a young man's dreams become true and they would never forget this act of hers._

_Sanna shortly expressed how much she appreciated her present: _I have never thought that a girl who was this young and never ever met me would care about me this much, _the singer said while grappling with her tears,_ so I'm really thankful and cross my fingers for YOHIO. People, if I don't wear this ring please, ask me whether I have lost it!

_Mysterious girl, we don't know who you are but you crept inside every Swedish heart."_

– I knew! – she looked at me. I was horrified because I thought she unveiled me.

– What did you know? – I asked embarrassed.

– That he fell for a girl with an absolutely nice personality!

– Are you sure? – Vanessa joined our chat. – She may have done this because she's a two-faced bitch who seduced Yohio.

– I don't really think so, my Prince wouldn't ever choose someone who isn't a princess.

– Sometimes princesses are the evilest ones in the tales – I added.

– But none of them could be as evil as you are – Carina laughed. Truth is truth, I am the most ironical person in the crush but even so calling me evil...

– Ah, you know I didn't mean it I just said that princesses are usually elegant, pretty and nice to others – Carina explained. – And you're none of them.

– Don't you dare say I'm not nice to you or I tear all your hair out – I laughed and we went to English.

Our last lesson was Maths and during the lesson we dealt with geometry; and when we had to third a circle near the blackboard I couldn't keep my laughter inside more. I remembered how Seb tried to do this, unsuccessfully so the Miss sent him back to his place and asked another student to do it. Now she glared at me and asked why I laughed.

– Ah, it was just a joke that came into my mind – I fibbed.

– And would you please share it with us? – she asked with her horrifying smile.

– It's a Hungarian pun so I'm not sure you would understand... – I reacted immediately.

– But please try to – she forced me.

– You're in a big hole of shit – Chris whispered to me.

– Okay – I said. – In Hungarian we say "just" as "csak" and it sounds a lot alike the name "Chuck". So the joke itself: – What's your name, ranger? – Walker, but call me just Norris, so in Hungarian "csak Norris"! Awesome, isn't it? – I asked. I could see that those who spoke some Hungarian laughed but the others just blinked.

– Okay, let's continue the lesson – the teacher said after a short pause and someone had to go to the blackboard.

– You're lucky – Chris said and we wrote down the example.

Not a whole minute later a ball made of paper hit my back. I picked it up and saw that Vanessa wrote a message to me.

_Lord, it was a long time ago that I last did this..._

_"__What was it? You laughed on her right?"_ – she wrote.

_"__Nothing, just a story came into my mind that Seb told me last Thursday; I'll tell you after class."_ – I replied and threw the ball back. Luckily no one realized it and after class Van and Carina came near me and began to interrogate me.

– Look – I took a paper and drew a circle. – This is how he tried to third it at first – I drew the radius into it, signed the first third of it and drew another, smaller, concentric circle inside.

– And he was accepted to high school – Vanessa added.

– Do you know him? – Carina asked her bestie.

– Uhm, yes, I have talked to him once or twice – she replied. – But Trixie, how did you know this? I know you're friends and so one but I didn't think that this much!

– Sometimes after rehearsals when I don't want to cook because Kevin won't eat at home or he won't even be at home we go and have a pizza together. Only after rehearsals. Then we usually discuss the dance but sometimes he tells me stories about our teachers. For example once Mrs Anderson gave extra lessons because they were too slow and they came to lesson one by one, only one person within five minutes. She was fed up with them but being an extra lesson she couldn't even take a note that they came late. Or he told me that the History-teacher can be bribed with bananas and that he automatically gives the best mark to those who are born on that exact day when the class writes a test. The art-teacher was called bubble-gum because she used to have pink hair and always draw the whole picture instead of you but gave bad mark for it. Once someone got four "fail"-s with one drawing at one time.

– Yes, Eric's sister told me so – Carina said. – Wait. It means they were classmates, right?

– It seems so – I agreed. I hoped she didn't suspect anything.

– Ah, I'm hungry – Carina said incidentally. – Come, Vannie, Mom promised to go and eat Chinese after they finish work. Bye – she turned to me and gave kisses. I said farewell to both of them and went home. I didn't want to do anything this weekend so I hoped Kevin didn't find any other courses than going to rehearsals – except if he wanted to take me to a spa to have some rest. That would be the only thing I could forgive him.

**30****th**** April, 2014.**

Today and yesterday we spent our whole days practicing, we didn't even go home but slept in the studio. We agreed that I would do the kiss and everything he asked for if it was just that our lips met. He said that during rehearsals he accepted but when it came to do it in front of big audience I had to do it realistically. When I wanted to disagree he told me an only word and I shut my mouth up immediately.

My cue was _"You will be loved, will be loved!"_ before the two _"will be loved"_-s at the end of the song. When I could hear this I had to walk in his direction from behind the scenes and after he took me by waist – I had to look at him totally enchanted – and made me nearly fall on the ground (once I really fell because he thought he was stronger than he actually was and didn't hold me enough) we had to kiss. _Phew..._

– Okay, that's all for today – Tommy said after the music finished and Kevin released me.

– Ouch! – I caressed my butt. – Man, you should know we're not in Matrix and I can't stand stably in that situation, that's why you feel my weight in your arms! – I was obviously angry.

– Don't whine you didn't get hurt – he said and sat down for having a beer.

– Hey, Princess, would you like a beer? – Seb asked.

– Sure – I smiled at him and sat down near him. Meanwhile I glanced at Kevin for a moment and I could see he was jealous. I felt totally satisfied.

– Princess? – Tommy, our favourite idea-master asked. – What if you wore a tiara?

– No, again something? – I asked but Kevin liked the idea. Definitely relatives.

– You're usually mentioned as a princess everywhere online so it wouldn't be a bad idea.

– Am I? – I asked. Again something that was only a joke and became important.

– Yes so take a fucking tiara on – Kevin "advised".

– Okay, by the way, you're right, a tiara suits me well as my pair is a frog that thinks he's a prince – I said ironically.

– Then we agreed, I'll bring one tomorrow – Tommy said and we stopped talking about work.

– Frog? – Kevin bent closer to me.

– Why, I was just being honest – I laughed.

– I don't feel like being a frog – he said. – And even if I was – if you kissed me I wouldn't change back into Prince Charming because only a princess' kiss works.

– Prince Charming? – I asked sarcastically. – I must laugh; haha! Frog, stay frog and don't bother young ladies that you want kisses from them.

– Lady? You know Lady became the tramp's pair at the end of the cartoon.

– And Prince Charming is an evil in Shrek – I said. – Topic closed.

Yes, I know I was a boor but also he did so and I was fed up with his childish behaviour. Or may I be childish too?

**5****th**** May, 2014.**

Kevin went to Copenhagen yesterday so I was alone at home. I finally couldn't go with him because I had to be at school. He said he felt sorry for me but I didn't. I could spend four more days in peace before people jumped on me and wanted to tear my hair out. Wonderful future waits for me, right?

By the way Carina asked me today if I wanted to join her and Vanessa watching the first semi-final tomorrow. I'm not sure if it has been a good idea or not to accept it but tomorrow we'll be sitting in front of the television from half past eight. I take chocolate.

**6****th**** May, 2014.**

My identity was endangered today. Why? The show was awesome and many YOHIO-fans nearly died when a ten-minute-long program was broadcasted about him and the case with Sanna. He of course told the reporter that they were really thankful that she and whole Sweden decided that they would come. He said he would never forget it. Then it came to talk about the small changing in the show: about me.

– We have been told that your mysterious girlfriend will be here to appear in your show, so, where is she? – she asked.

– Ah, she... – he smiled. – She had some things to do in Sweden so she will arrive only on Friday. I feel really sorry for this, she would have looked well in the show.

– You seem to be confident about performing on Saturday! – the reported laughed.

– Haha, you can see well, I am – he joined her.

– But don't you miss her? – she asked more seriously.

– Of course I do but I am used to, you know, she's actually not Swedish she had just moved there not a whole year ago. – Total Silence. It was something that shocked everyone.

– And would you like to send her a message now? – she asked as to save the situation.

– Yes – he looked into the camera. – I want to tell you I love you, babe, and keep fighting until we meet again, I'm waiting here for you!

The camera showed the reporter's face and we could see she nearly burst out crying. Yeah, it's true that Kev... no, Yohio was touching but I knew it was just something for the show and nothing else. He wouldn't confess his love in front of the entire world, and although I knew he liked me or things like that it wasn't something that he would tell everyone but not for me before.

Vanessa dug me when he said he loved me. I knew she thought it was something true but I knew it wasn't.

– Ah, it's just show-business – I said after a mini-heart-attack.

– How could it be only show-business? – Carina asked. – It's obvious that he loves her! Ah, I wonder who she might be!

– Trixie, you're so blind – Vanessa said dryly and asked me to bring some coke from the fridge instead. My attitude dried her mouth out.

– Here – I said as I returned.

– Ah, babe, it flew through my mind just a moment ago that you actually live with a man alone. Doesn't it disturb you? – Carina asked. Both Van and I felt a bit embarrassed.

– Well, not really – I said. – We're like bro and sis you know so...

– But men are men – she forced. – And he seemed to like you!

– Being a man or not, he's Kevin whose name also refers to his character: he's gentle. He would never do anything to me that I don't want to.

– Are... – Vanessa held a short pause – you sure?

– Of course I am sure and please don't continue this I'm fed up with it! – I yelled. Carina just blinked but Vanessa knew what I meant. That I didn't want to tell Car I was that bitch who made her idol fall head over heels. _It wasn't the right time yet..._

– But when if not now? – she asked some more minutes later when our host made a short visit in the bathroom.

– She will get to know this sooner or later – I replied.

– But if you don't tell her and she only sees you two in the TV she will be mad at you.

– Keep cool I will tell her at the right time.

**10****th**** May, 2014.**

Right time, eh? I came to Copenhagen yesterday after lessons (of course YOHIO got to the final) and could manage on being hidden until now (literally, because someone's coat always hid my face) but in some minutes we're heading to the ex-shipyard and I still haven't told Carina she would see me in some hours again.

We had only two rehearsals but all went well. Oh, it's so unbelievable that we're here! But _we_ means that I am there too... and I don't want it. Not in the least.

But it's my job so I will work hard for my payment.

– Are you fine? – Seb sits near me and clutches my hand friendly. – You seem to be afraid.

– No, I'm not afraid – I say and he calms down for a moment. – I'm petrified.

_Lord, my classmates and nearly my whole school may be watching it! They will see us kiss and I'll get unveiled! And they're people of whom I'm even more afraid than of YOHIO-fans._


	8. 6 - Facing Fatality

Chapter Six: Facing Fatality

**10****th**** May, 2014.**

I really don't know what I've been afraid of! Maybe that we were nearly disqualified yesterday when we told we would finally do the change now and so they had to switch the cameras differently? It wasn't a problem that we wouldn't have been able to solve.

– Here – Kevin said as he came out from the fitting. – Don't get frightened when you see me close to you in some minutes because I want to do your make-up.

– I don't care – I shrug my shoulder and went to get dressed. I really hated that we had only a small hole to keep our stuff and get dressed, do our make-up although we were all together five who went to the stages and I didn't even count our staff.

Two minutes later I went out – the mask-master was conjuring my little bro Kevin into Yohio whom I didn't even know.

– Wow, man, you look great – I said as I looked at him. This was the first time I saw him in make-up face to face, because during practicing we didn't wear our clothes or mask; only I had to wear the heels because of the way I was walking in them.

– Thanks – he said. – I'm sure you look even better but I can't open my eyes now – he smiled and sent me a kiss in the air.

– Don't even remind me – I said and sat down near him. The hairdresser began making my hairstyle, that half-up-half-down-stuff.

– What's your problem with it? – he asked.

– You know exactly – I replied and he couldn't pull any more words out of me.

A minute later Kevin was ready so he stood in front of me and began masking my face.

– Sebastian, do you have the jewellery somewhere? – he asked his best friend.

– Ah, those... – he said and Kevin stopped for a minute. I opened my eyes and saw Seb was scraping his nape embarrassed.

– Don't you dare say you left them somewhere – Kevin warned him. You know, with his murderously low voice that always made me feel sorry even for that I was alive.

– Never mind, they are here – Seb laughed and gave him my moonstone darlings.

– Thanks – Kev said and gave me my bracelet and my ring to take them on. Later when he was ready with my make-up the necklace and the earrings got to their places. – Wow, you look great – he said as he went further and I opened my eyes.

– Ah, I always knew you were a wizard when dealing with make-up but I didn't think that this much...

He made me shine even more than I thought. _Mom, look, I shine!_ I wanted to stress my eyes but he stressed my lips with black lipstick and applied some glitter so my face literally shined.

– But are you sure you can wear these all night? – Kevin pointed at my shoes. – You told me you hated to wear them and took them down as soon as you could.

_He knew this? Wow!_

– Er... yes... – I said embarrassed. – But I will survive!

– It reminds me to someone – Kev smirked at Seb.

– Hey, I was drunk – he laughed and it made the atmosphere less stressed.

When they told us to go we got up and the stressful mood came back immediately.

We went to our places and I suddenly saw a group of women (they were told to be the Polish) I didn't want to. I looked at myself and became envious.

– If you're looking at their breasts, you're fucking dead! – I whispered to Yohio.

– Hey, why are you telling me these, we're not even... – he disagreed.

– It wasn't me who found this out so shut up and try to talk to him instead... – I glanced at Tommy so Kevin knew whom I thought of. He smiled and then just clutched my hand. I let him do.

The boys were the next performers so we waited behind the scenes – I had two and a half minutes more waiting-time than them. I felt totally strung up but there was one thing that calmed me a bit down: my little brother Yohio finally got to the Eurovision Song Contest that was his dream. My legs ached a lot – I was sitting for an hour before I had to get up again so I couldn't take my heels off. _Phew..._

Something flew through my head and I asked Tommy to give me my phone. In this rush I forgot to inform Carina about something so I sent her a message:

_"__Open your eyes, girl, you'll see me in the TV in some minutes!"_

– You will be loved, will be loved! – I could hear Yohio singing these lines. It was now or never, I had to go. I gave the phone back to Tommy and left my position. I could see the camera coming closer to me and hear the audience saying _oh_ as one, really-really loud person.

_Five more steps... four... three... two..._

I counted in my mind and when I felt Yohio taking me by waist I nearly fainted so it wasn't difficult to play that he had to hold me. Then his lips came closer to mines and we really, I mean _really_ kissed each other. The audience was on the rampage and I felt a million pairs of eyes glaring at me. I was dead, my only possibility to live longer was that Kevin would save me – but I didn't trust him. But I had to trust him as I was in his arms. But I didn't trust him.

I had no idea about how I got back behind the stages. I was simply there and the reporter – or the anchorwoman? – just sat down in front of us. She was wearing a wedding-dress too.

– And finally here she is, the one whom thousands of YOHIO-fans were waiting for – and are envy of: Beatrix! – she announced. – Trixie, we could first see you kissing your partner on the scenes. Didn't you find it embarrassing?

_Okay, little girl, you can do it!_

– I actually couldn't sleep last night because I was nervous of doing it wrong – I smiled.

– But how could you do it wrong, you're together for... how long is it? – she asked curiously.

– Ah, I think it's about... how many? – I seemed to calculate but I actually didn't remember to Our Fake Story because I was so nervous. – Nine months now?

– Nine months? That's a nice length, isn't it?

– Yes, but we met again just four and a half months ago and both of us had as many things to do that when we got home we just fell in bed and snored immediately – I laughed.

– Ah, really unlucky beginning for a relationship, first five months without each other and the rest contains a huge amount of work... – she said as she felt sorry for us. _Show-business..._

– Yes, but we can manage on our time well so we always can find those five minutes we can spend on each other every single day.

– I hope it will continue like this, but what did you say, what do you do now? – she channelled the topic.

– At the moment I'm sitting here talking to you – I laughed. – But I study yet.

– Oh, and what this young lady will be when she grows up? – She asked about my future plans. As I had to play a girlfriend and studied, all in a foreign country I had no plans.

– I am actually one month older than Yohio is – I smiled. _Ah, how bad actress..._

– And sooner or later she will become my wife – he inserted immediately. He must have seen I couldn't say anything. And he might also wanted to surprise her.

– Oh, is it a proposal or something like that? – she asked with widened eyes. She tried to smile but she couldn't hide her surprise.

– No, actually nothing else but hopeful future – he smiled meaningfully. – But I don't want to talk about this more.

_Ah, you mention it and then don't say anything else? Fuck you, Kevin! Fuck you!_

– True, we'd better not talk about it hasty – I said smiling innocently and put my hair behind my ear – showing the ring on my right hand. I knew she couldn't ask me now whether it was an engagement ring or not because we were in the TV.

Then I again didn't know what was going on – the guys said we were waiting for the first country to tell their points – I just thought that it was over and I never ever had to do it again.

Of course people didn't let me feel fine, they fucking wanted Yohio to kiss me again.

– We won – he said like he didn't believe it when still five more countries were waiting to tell their points.

– What? – I looked at him surprised. I couldn't comprehend it yet.

– WE WON! – he shouted and we all jumped up. A moment later he suddenly picked me up and we spun around. I actually felt him being strong, for the first time in my life.

Then when all the countries told their own results we had to do the song again. Until then I was happy we did it but in that moment when we had to get up and go back to the stages I realized I had to kiss him again. And kissing your own brother is simply disgusting.

Luckily I could vanish before reporters could harass me and later in the hotel Kevin told me he told them all that I was just _a simple girl from the neighbourhood_ so he didn't want anyone to run after me and force me to answer them.

– Thanks that you're this reliable – I hugged him.

– Can you feel the euphoria? – Seb asked us as he got nearer.

– We do – we said at the same time and we laughed.

– I'm proud of my little brother – I said and released Kevin as to be able to change clothes.

– Go, take on something more comfortable, we must dance tonight! – Kevin told me.

– And first you have to dance with me – Sebbie winked.

– Seb, for how long... ah, I can remember, you two... – he pointed at us.

– Right – his friend smiled and I got lost in the bathroom.

– Trixie, I brought you some stuff... – Kevin began but shut up immediately as I walked out in my underwear.

– I forgot my clothes – I said and acknowledged satisfied that both of them stared at me. I went to my luggage and took a black lace miniskirt, a black ballerina and a green corset out.

– Girl, that's what I wanted to say – Kevin came to me. – I brought your favourite one.

– So that's why I couldn't find it at home – I said. – Give me.

– Ookaay... – he went backwards and some seconds later gave me my darling.

– Thanks – I looked at him and took it on. – Could you help? It's a lot alike the blue one so it's hard to take it on well.

He came closer and helped me. Meanwhile Sebbie was just amazed what we were doing but a moment later I could see his face becoming cleverer.

– I can turn if you want to... – he said finally.

– It's unimportant, I have taken on everything yet – I smiled. Kevin finished his work so we were ready to party hard!

We got in bed only in the morning; our stuffs were in the tour bus yet with us.

I didn't really dance just chatted with people and sometimes sang but when there was a rocky track Seb properly picked me up and took me to the dance-parquet. Then Kevin became jealous and when a love-song was played he forced me to dance with him. I thought I wasn't able to get into a situation that turned out wrong and also everyone believed I was his girlfriend so it would have looked weird if we didn't dance together during a love-song.

– I'm drowsy – Sebbie hung on my right side.

– I'm drowsy and drunk – Kevin did so on my left one.

It was me who didn't drink (more than I should) and also didn't dance too much (we actually couldn't shoot Kevin down, he didn't sit down for a simple moment and so I chatted with Seb all the time) so now I had to take them home. Tommy was dealing with the Desaiha, who also were either drunk or sleepy so, I think, my task was easier.

I could make Seb fall asleep easily but Kevin was a more difficult exercise.

– Don't go – he hugged my neck after I tucked him in.

– Please, I have to sleep too – I touched his arms.

– I don't want you to sleep – he said and sat up. – Stay here with me.

– Man, you're drunk – I said but he stuck to his gun. – Okay, okay, I'll sleep here with you are you satisfied? – I asked him and lay near him.

– I am so – he said and gave a kiss onto my forehead after he embraced me.

**11****th**** May, 2014.**

I really, really wanted to go to my bed as soon as he fell asleep but as I woke up near him I could be sure I had been so sleepy that I took a visit to dreamland before him.

– Morning – he said grinning boobily as he opened his eyes.

– Er... hi – I waved to him embarrassed.

– What the fuck are you doing here? – he asked when he realized the situation we were in. He was occupying the whole bed and I was sleeping in fetus-pose on the corner of the pillow.

– And cut! – we could hear from the door.

– TOMMY! – I yelled as Kevin yelled _DAD!_ at the same time.

– Hello guys – he smiled with the camera in his hands. – And now please from "morning" again.

– Wait, wait, what are you doing? – Kevin asked.

– We make a video for your fans about your first morning after the Song Contest – he said and then moved the camera back to his right eye.

– Ah, I have done more for my career yet! – Kevin lay back.

– So this is what my life will be like from now? – I asked and Kev nodded. I just sighed.

– Morning – he said grinning boobily as he opened his eyes – again.

– Better – I said and gave a soft kiss onto his lips.

– And cut! – Tommy said again. – Wow, it was much better!

– Hey, Kevin... – I waved in front of his face. He was _a bit_ shocked. – Man, I didn't mean it I just knew it would look good. – I tried to save the situation.

– O... okay – he said still shocked and so I got up.

I ate something and then checked my phone and facebook. I had three messages on phone and many others on facebook. I began reading them in time-order.

_"__What are you talking about? I can only see YOHIO now!"_ – this was from Carina.

_"__Wow, you were GREAT! Car is shocked now but I think she can accept it."_ – Vanessa.

_"__Okay, I have to digest it... my friend is my favourite singer's girlfriend..."_ – Carina.

So they more or less could handle it.

On facebook nearly all pieces of news were about us and those who knew who I was all sent me messages and asked me whether it was me or not that they saw yesterday. Some of them even sent me accelerating messages but as I wasn't awake I couldn't reply. Now I only wrote "Yes, it's true, it's me." to facebook in three languages (Swedish, Hungarian, English) and then just logged out. I didn't want to read the congratulating – or hating comments.

– What are you doing? – Kev came closer to me. – Ah, don't believe them, the only thing they care about is being sensational!

– Er... I just checked facebook – I looked at him surprised.

_Why does he think I am interested in others' opinion?_

– Never mind, for some days don't check any pages, articles or forums that can be connected to us, did you understand? – he asked apprehensively.

– O... okay, if you say so... – I said. – But why?

– You shouldn't even meet people for some days... – he continued thinking.

– I'm not sure if you have realized but I have to go to school every day – I put him wise.

– In this case report ill – he said.

– Hey, what do you think of me? I take the consequence for what I've done.

– Why, what have you done? – he asked me a bit hysterically. _But why are you like this?_ – May you fall for me? Or may you offer someone that you give him accommodation and you exploit that he's opposite sexed? No, you haven't done, but I did so, so you didn't do anything bad.

– But I did so. I accepted your offer so shut up and let me do what I want.

– Stop – he grasped my wrist. – From now you have an image that you have to keep.

– A princess-image? My whole class knows I'm a real troublemaker – I laughed.

– WHAT? – he looked at me with widened-eyes.

– Keep cool, I haven't done anything except...

– Except? Except what? – he interrogated me.

– When I introduced myself on the first day I was being arrogant – I confessed.

– A... ah, never mind, nowadays my image is a bit arrogant as well so...

– A bit? Ha, I saw your twitter and some interviews and you're fucking arrogant – I laughed.

– Hah! – he played on his role and we both burst out in laughter. – By the way, do you have something edible? I must eat some.

– Yeah, come – I hit the seat near me and he sat down. – Hey, I'm sorry I kissed you again you know I didn't mean it I just wanted to play my role well and...

– Ssh, no problem – he pushed his finger to my mouth. – But why did you sleep near me?

– Er.. hehe – I laughed embarrassed. – I brought you back drunk after the party and you asked me to sleep with you so much that I couldn't say no. I wanted to escape when you fell asleep but I was tired as well and I fell asleep earlier.

– I see – he said and so I calmed down and went to bring him some food. – Here – I placed a plate with a sandwich in front of him.

– And how did you enjoy waking up near me? – he continued pompously.

– Embarrassing, confusing and I was having minority-complex for some seconds because you didn't leave any place for me.

– All right then – he looked at me and didn't say anything almost until we got home. He didn't even offer to play video-games with them; it was Seb who asked me if I wanted to play something.

– No – I smiled at him and I could see Kevin becoming jealous. – I prefer watching others playing than to play myself.

– Perfect girlfriend – he laughed and touched my waist to make his friend bafflingly jealous. – If only I met you before him – he whispered in my ears loudly as to let Kevin hear it and winked.

– Hey, don't you get your fucking paw down from my girl?! – Kevin yelled, hit his friend's hand and took me by waist but still didn't say anything to me.

– Man, keep cool – Seb told him and threw a console into his laps. – Duel?

– Sure – he replied and I just watched how they tried to kill each other's characters in... ah, I don't remember, COD or CS or something like that I've never played with them only with GTA when I was younger.

The situation made me remember Danny, he and his friends always decided on things with video-game duels. Danny was an awful player because he couldn't practice as long as his friends but he never gave up and as I can remember once or twice he defeated someone. His memory brought tears into my eyes and so I told them I needed to go to the restroom. They didn't even look at me just nodded that they understood.

– Stupid, why do you always have to cry when you think of him? – I asked myself while my head smashed the wall again and again and again... – He's dead for a year and _never_ comes back! Danny wouldn't be happy if he saw you like this! He was your brother who always feared you and wanted you to be happy, to whom it was the hardest to accept that you had Ivor! Where do you keep your mind, girl? Now get your fucking ass and go back as you were fine! UNDERSTOOD?

Crying I washed my face again and when I felt I was able to stand up and meet people again I decided to go back to the boys who must had finished their battle.

When I was close to them enough I could hear Kevin talking angrily:

– What was it, huh? Why did you flirt with her this obviously when you exactly knew how I felt? – he asked and as he made me curious I hid behind the first thing I found.

– Man, I would never steal her I just want to show you how to treat a girl when you like her – Sebbie replied and it really made me interested in who the hell they were talking about.

– Ah, the great womanizer says so, because you've had so many girls in your life that you know how it works, right?!

– You've seen her reactions – he announced dryly.

– And why don't _you_ use this fucking great knowledge with Vanessa? Trixie has told me you two like each other, you bastard – Kevin said and his voice seemed to be less angry now.

– Vannie is so affectionate that I have to ignore her because chasing is more interesting than doing the shopping, if you know what I mean – Seb said mischievously.

– But Trixie is an ice queen I simply can't get into her heart.

_Wait. They were talking about ME?_

– If she doesn't let you to be her lover then try to be her friend. It's better than nothing and like this playing your fucked up roles wouldn't be as difficult as it is – Seb finished his thoughts. Kevin murmured something and then I could hear they began a new game.

– Hello guys – I stepped in and laughed like nothing has happened. – Who won the fight over me?

– Him – Seb said a bit huffily and so I sat down near Kevin and placed my legs in his laps. Sebbie stared at me – Wait, would you do the same with me if I won? – he asked finally.

– Maybe but maybe not – I said and gave a playful kiss onto Kevin's left cheek. – Man, won't you talk to me? – I asked him and as he just turned his head away from me I could be sure that he _really_ got hurt when I told him it didn't feel good to wake up near him.

It wasn't because of him but because of me that I didn't enjoy it. First of all it was a big surprise and last but not least I hated men but wasn't able to love women. I would have been a perfect nun. But as I wasn't able to confess it we didn't get on well now.

After two more duels between the boys Seb could cajole me to play with the game but as I was awful he sat behind me and helped with controlling the console. I sometimes gazed at Kevin and I could see he was fed up with us but too huffy to confess and also too jealous to go outside for a simple moment. When I died the twentieth time as well (we didn't need much time, I was a hopelessly bad gamer) we decided to give up on playing and relax a bit.

– Some music? – Sebbie asked and after my nod he started to play a radio-station that listed many big classics such as Mötley Crüe, Iron Maiden, KoRn, Metallica, Slipknot, HammerFall, Manowar, Alice Cooper, Bodom and so one. I hadn't listened to respectable metal for a while so it felt damned good and made me totally relaxed... until we reached a song that changed my mood completely. I sat up and breathed a bit heavier than usually.

– What's the matter? – Sebastian asked immediately.

– Shoot it down – I asked him quietly and grabbed my head.

– But why... – he hesitated and slowly stretched his hand to act.

– Haven't you heard her? – Kevin yelled at his best friend. – If she says so then she has a good reason as well!

– Okay, man, keep cool, I was doing just that – he said and the music stopped. – Are you fine, Trixie? – he looked at me apprehensively.

– Yes, much better, thanks – I said but now I didn't have useless energy to force a fake smile on my face. I wasn't feeling well and I didn't want to hide it now. – I hate being reminded about their fucking existence – I said more to myself than to them, but in English as I was even used to thinking in that language. If I had to speak Hungarian I would have been in a fix for some short time.

– Wh... – Sebbie began loudly but Kevin showed him to shut up, sat near me and hugged my shoulder. Seb only stared; he wasn't used to our special relationship yet. To be honest also I wasn't.

– Who are you talking about? – Kevin asked quietly and his low, warm voice made me calm down a bit. – Huh? – he asked again and gave a kiss onto my forehead.

– Liars – I said. – I have all liars surrounding me just in some cases I know they lie.

– I think I know what you're talking about – Kev whispered in my ears and embraced me. It was the first time I felt safe with him.

– This song was Bullet For My Valentine's Waking The Demon – I said some minutes later. – It's a real masterpiece but my ex, the first liar in my life is called Demon and it always reminds me to him.

– Ah, I see – Kev replied and just hugged me again.

– No "don't you want me to make you comfortable"-s? What happened to the pervert you? – I asked him smiling.

– Sad girls excite me sexually – he smirked and so we all three burst out in laughter.

– Look, we've nearly got home – Seb said and we gazed out of the window. Really, we were really close to Sundsvall.

– Ah, I just want to go home and have a rest – I sighed.

– Having a rest? Darling, we slept for about half a day and you want to have a rest? – Sebbie asked surprised.

– Uhm, yes, what's the problem with that?

– Are you sure you're feeling well? Didn't you catch cold or something?

– Catching cold in May? Are you kidding me? – I looked at him with eyes widened.

– Once I caught cold in August – Sebbie laughed.

– Okay, shoot yourself, we're pretty tired – Kev said and so his friend shut up.

_If I asked for it he would continue even harder... may it be because Kevin was angry or what?_

We spent the remaining time in silence and when we got home we simply sighed.

– Huh, it was easier than I thought – I said relieved.

– They just didn't know we would arrive now, the first wave would arrive only tomorrow – he said and after feeding our darling Luna we both fell in bed and slept.

**12****th**** May, 2014.**

– But I don't want to... – I murmured half-asleep half-awake at about midnight. I felt something wet on my forehead and then realized Kevin was sitting near me and the wet thing was a towel.

– Are you fine? – he asked. He tried to seem strong but I could see anxiety in his eyes.

– More or less – I said as to calm him down.

– See, I told you that you shouldn't go to school for a while.

– Ah, I thought we have agreed about it. I must go or it would seem I feel ashamed.

– Don't you? – he asked. – Actually you didn't tell anyone except Vanessa you was it and even this was caused by chance so you actually should feel.

– Thanks for cheering me up – I turned to the wall and didn't let him talk to me.

When I woke up again I felt Kevin embracing me from behind and puffing cutely in my ears. Although I didn't want to have any feelings towards him I couldn't stand without smiling and feeling safe. Yes, I had to confess, this Kevin would have been able to steal my heart but as he was totally different awake... no, no men were adorable and masculine enough at the same time for me. I knew many men but only the old Kevin could beat the requirements; the Desaiha-members weren't adorable enough, my classmates and older friends here were young and childish and also Sebastian was deeply in my friendzone. _Yeah, why do even I have him there?_ – I wondered then I realized – _He's the best friend of the man that loves me. And also falling for our saviour and dance-partner wouldn't be original enough._

I knew that from today I would have to bother with my make-up too so I turned, gave a kiss onto his forehead and got up. I knew I had to go to school and nothing could stop me. I didn't care I had no homework or that probably half of the girls from the school were waiting for a chance to tear my hair out: I couldn't beat a retreat.

I had to take only two steps on the street and although I knew I wore sunglasses and also nearly no one realized me I felt every gaze fell on me and I fainted.

Opening my eyes a hospital-room welcomed me. Tubes hanging out from my body everywhere and machines beeping near me... hopeful sight. Then I tried to touch my head and I felt someone holding my hand.

– She reached consciousness – Sebbie said and I looked at him. He was sitting near me and holding my hand in the empty room.

– Hello, what's up? – I smiled at him powerlessly. I more or less knew what happened to me or at least could figure out easily and as I didn't take it too seriously, because _hey, it was just a faint, I wasn't the first person to pass out_ I made a joke of it.

– You shouldn't get up – he said apprehensively.

– I'm totally fine I don't know why you take it so seriously.

– You have fainted – he said seriously.

– Then Kevin should have simply taken me back and pour cold water into my face and not carting me here. Talking about him... where he is?

– Well – Seb scraped his nape. – Yesterday he asked me to impede you going to school as he has to go on his tour and it was me who found you. Now he's probably gone, knowing nothing about your state – he confessed.

– Ah, great – I said and getting up got the irritating medical gadgets out of my body. – In this case take me to school – I ordered him.

– It's three in the afternoon – he pointed at the clock on the wall. – You were unconscious for more than six hours.

– Oh – I breathed shocked. – I... I didn't know it...

– Of course you didn't know – he said. – Stay here, I'm telling the doctors you're fine then take you home as soon as possible, okay?

I didn't say anything just nodded and he left. Some minutes later he came back with a doctor who examined me. He said I should stay there for one more day and Sebbie could first take me away on the next morning.

Seb made me promise I would accept what doctors told me then left saying _he had some things to do._ I hope he didn't want to move to us because it would mean I had no chance even to open the window and look out because I could catch cold like that...

**13****th**** May, 2014.**

After he finished at school Sebastian came to take me home. We didn't talk to each other in the car because he didn't want to say anything and I was a bit huffy that he crookedly wanted to hold me back from taking the consequences of my fucked up job.

– I'll stay here with you – he said as we stepped in and I could disagree anyhow he stuck to his gun and so I got a new flatmate for one and a half weeks. When I didn't want to listen to him and wanted to go out from the house he threatened me he would telltale to Kevin.

He was even worse than a worrying father, he didn't let me stand up to open the door if someone came, always wanted to cook for me and when I finally let him do his food was that awful that I forbade him to make any food.

– Then shall I order something...? – he wondered.

– Not at all, I'm going and making something edible – I got up from the bed where he took me and left to the kitchen's direction.

– Don't even dream about it – he said and took me into his arms.

– Hey, what are you doing, take me down, I just fainted but didn't break my leg! – I hit his chest and so my legs reached the floor but yet we were in the kitchen.

– I don't want you to strain yourself because Yohio will kill me if you get injured – he looked at me and after one minute gazing at each other I decided to make some ramen – it's easy to make, fast and I love it.

**21****st**** May, 2014.**

After some days Sebastian and I could make a fine timing – getting up at six, I make some breakfast for him then he leaves to get more and more clever and locks me inside and as we're on a higher floor I can't escape through the window; then he comes home at about five, sometimes even later and gives me the exercises my classmates did and the homework. Once he came later and I asked him whether he went on a longer date with Vannie but he just asked me what kind of thoughts I had and sat down to his homework. I usually wrote mine near him and when he didn't understand something we tried to figure it out together – he returned it with helping with Swedish.

We also tried to practice the dances but it usually caused that either we decided to drink a beer as "not to feel too weird in the situation" then one beer became two, three... and we could have been delivered to the detox, and I didn't want to be in his mother's place when she got to know his son got awfully drunk with his best friend's girlfriend and they didn't even know what they did (we actually were aware of our actions and didn't really take the other being a man or woman just a dude); or when we didn't get drunk the neighbours came and argued about us being noisy.

Kevin came home late in the afternoon and when he got to known Sebbie kept me locked in like I was a princess and the flat was a castle he first laughed at me then promised me to go for a walk somewhere together. We didn't tell him I had a paranoia attack on Monday and I passed out for hours; we felt he didn't have to know about it.

When Seb left we got into the car and went to the forest. We didn't really talk just practiced how to hold each other's hand while walking in silence. It was of course his idea and when I wanted to tear my hand out from his he grabbed it even more strongly

– You can't escape from me – he said and we continued walking in silence. I didn't ask him about his tour and he didn't ask me how I felt at home alone.

Getting home a letter was waiting for me. It was interesting because the address on it was my previous one.

– Look – I showed it to Kevin when we got into the flat.

– It must have been Dad who brought it here – he said. – Amalia would have called and asked us to go there for it.

– How do you know?

– She's made of woman, she likes when the family is together; and also she's curious. What is in it, anyways? – he bent closer to me and a single moment later we both burst out laughing.

Not even checking the sender I opened the letter and began reading it. With every single line my face became more and more sombre. Unluckily it was written in Hungarian...

– What's written in? – Kevin asked when I finished reading it. Then he saw my face. – Hey, girl, don't cry! Hey... – he said and hugged me. Even though he didn't know what made me so gloomy he knew how to handle this situation. I could cry on his shoulder and it was more than enough. It made me peaceful after a while – and I again had that weird safe-feeling.

– My grandfather... passed away three days ago – I said while I was looking for a tissue I could use. – I'm the only heiress and I have to go back to Hungary if I want my heritage. But... what will be with Grandma? Lord, I don't want this...

– Ahhh – he held his head. – When do you have to go back?

– As soon as possible.

– But don't you worry about meeting those people who have ruined your life?

– No – I smiled. I still don't know how I could manage on smiling. – Mom and Dad were from different areas of the country and now I would go to that where we didn't live. Ah, and I must do something with school as well. The funeral will be on Friday. Oh, and also a dance-practice will be on that day where I haven't been for a while. Aaaaaaaahhhh – I placed my face in my palm. – I don't want this...

– Shall I go with you? – Kevin asked suddenly.

– If you wish to... – I said but I was still gloomy. – May I get the tickets? – I asked some minutes later when I was yet able to think reliably.

– That would be good, I'm calling Dad meanwhile.

Getting the tickets wasn't a difficult thing to do but talking with Tommy... So I was thankful to him that he didn't let me do although I caused the trouble. Okay, it wasn't really me but they got into it because of me so it would have been my turn to act. _Or have I done enough favours to him? No, they let me live in their house and now I can live here with Kevin so I don't really think I can ever pay it back._

– Ah – I could hear when he finally hung up.

– What's that? – I asked immediately.

– Come, he wants to talk about it face to face – he said and we went to get dressed.

He took the car he had just received – finally it wasn't pink but white – and we left to the place Tommy told Kevin to go. It actually made me surprised.

– Your father's house? – I asked while getting out of the car. – We should have at least brought something! Ah, now they will think I'm a thankless whore...

– Never mind – he said. – They called us here so suddenly that we couldn't get anything.

– But your sister... – I disagreed.

– She will be over the Moon that she can see you. Hi! – he welcomed Tommy.

– Come in – he said a bit rigidly. Okay, it wasn't really rigid but as I had been living with him for four months I could separate his happy mood from his unhappy one. And this time he was at least really unhappy.

– Take a seat – he said when we got into the living room. – Son... – he began but someone made him stop speaking to us.

– Brother! – Emily ran to him when she realized he was there. – And Trixie! – she said loudly and hug both of us.

– Hi, blondie – I pet her blonde hair. – How are you?

– Did you bring me something? – she asked immediately from her brother.

– No, princess, this time I didn't have time but next time I will bring a two-times-bigger present, okay? – he smiled at her sister and kissed her forehead.

– Emily – Tommy said to his daughter. – I have to talk with your brother and Trixie. Would you please go search Mom and tell her to bring some cookies meanwhile?

The word _cookie_ made her face flower and at that very moment when she could hear it she began shouting for Amalia and left the room.

– So Son. I have just heard that you want to go to Hungary with Trixie. Don't you think we should protect who she is? She didn't go anywhere for two weeks so it would seem she rather tries to escape than taking responsibility. And what do you think the fans will react? Huh?

– Dad, listen. Now I really must go.

– Is it in connection with the letter she got?

– It is – I said. – My grandfather's funeral will be on Friday so I have some things to do back there in Hungary although I've never wanted to go back.

– And I want to be with her. That's all – Kevin added.

Tommy wanted to say something but he couldn't because the family's female members came into the room.

– I brought you cookies – Emily ran to Kevin and pushed one into his mouth that made me laugh.

– Is it so funny? – Kevin looked at me. – It will be you next time! – he said and pushed one into my mouth as well. Now everyone began laughing and I could hear Amalia telling Tommy: _Like an elder married pair, ain't them?_

– Dad – Kevin looked seriously at Tommy after we finished laughing. – I must go with her. And we also have bought tickets for tomorrow.

– Ah – the other man sighed. – You know that if you weren't my son I wouldn't do it for you at all...

– So you say...? – Kevin asked hopefully.

– Go, but next time I will not be this soft-hearted. Also now you must act as you really were fallen for each other. Got it? Yohio, Trixie, your true acting will begin now – he looked into our eyes seriously and held a pause; then suddenly looked at me. – What about the book, anyways?

– I am working on it, now I have nearly finished the chapter before the last one. But... – something got into my mind suddenly. – what kind on film were you making in Japan, man? – I asked Kevin.

– That... Eh, I was playing an arrogant European singer in a TV-series. They will finish the post-works on it soon, so in some weeks we will be able to see it.

– But for that we must go to Japan, am I right?

– Er... I will show you somehow – he said and I let him think he can do.

We were chatting a lot before going home and packing for tomorrow. Kevin also tried to explain me the story of the series he was playing in but I told him not to kill the punch line.

**22****nd**** May, 2014.**

We left to Stockholm after having lunch – from there we flied to Budapest. We tried to stay in incognito but finally someone recognized him while getting on the plane. Luckily she was traveling second-class so she couldn't come and annoy us. From the airport we travelled to the central bus station and then to the small town my grandparents were living in. I called my Granny and told her I was going home by bus and that I would bring someone so please get ready for welcoming us.

Kevin didn't really enjoy the three-hour-long travelling on bus after the almost four hours we spent on the plane and when we got here he got up difficultly from his seat because he felt numb in his leg.

– Look around, I spent nearly every summer here – I told him.

– It's pretty nice – he said when he could check the environment.

– Ah, come on, it's not even the best place, I will show you my favourite places in some days, 'kay? – I asked him and went to the direction of my grandparents' home.

– Of course, but where are you going? – he ran after me.

– What would you say for half an hour walking? – I asked.

– WHAT? – he asked back hopelessly. – Can't you see how much package I have?

– Keep cool, I was coming here to get a taxi – I said and asked a driver to take us to the given address. I changed money yet in Bp so I could pay with Forints.

– Ah, Trixie – my grandmother welcomed me when she could see us on the street. – I didn't believe you would come. But who is he? – she asked by pointing at Kevin.

– Well, we could say he's my boyfriend – I smiled. – But I will explain later.

– What are you talking about? – Kevin whispered into my ears.

– Hey, young master, don't you know whispering in company is rude? – Granny hit Kevin's head. Poor him was just standing it 'cause he couldn't say anything to her.

– Granny – I began – he doesn't speak Hungarian.

– Oh – she apologized. – Please, tell him I'm sorry. But come in, children – she opened the door and made us go in. Inside I thought it was time to introduce them to each other. – Granny, it's Kevin; Kev, it's my grandmother – I said by changing languages.

– Nice to meet you – Kevin stretched out his hand and my grandma accepted. She of course didn't understand what he was saying but could figure out what he wanted.

– Ah, I'm sorry for being rude – she apologized by looking at Kevin then turned to me. – Darling, please, would you translate for me?

– Of course – I answered and told Kevin what my grandmother was telling him. Then she showed us our room – it was the only bedroom in the house beside hers – and after giving me a key for the house he discretely withdrew.

– So we will live here? – he asked when the door closed.

– Yes, I know it's not a Grand Hotel, but... better than nothing, isn't it?

– Oh, of course... but... – he looked around. – There's just one bed!

– And that is mine so I hope you sleep well and like comfortable armchairs – I pointed at the armchair at the other side of the room.

– I actually don't like them... Ah, and a moose is sitting in it, – he said by pointing at the stuffed animal there – what should I do? I must sleep near you.

– I'd prefer the moose... – I rolled my eyes. The bed was small so I could be sure he would embrace me while dreaming something saucy and I wasn't ready for that yet.

– It's a stag and it's mate-time... I'd be a gentleman as always... – he winked. I simply boxed into his shoulder and told him I would go and help Granny making some dinner.

– Are you sure you want to cook, Himeji-san? – he asked laughing.

– What were you calling me? – I went closer to him when I could hear the name he called me. He was unlucky 'coz I knew Baka To Test To Shoukanjuu.

– Himeji Mizuki, what else? – he asked but went backwards meanwhile.

– Never again call me someone who can't cook at all – I told him from a really small distance. He exploited it, took me by waist and kissed me. First I didn't even realize what I was doing and amazement opened my mouth. Then when I could feel his tongue touching mine I pushed him away from myself. I was used to kissing him since we began practicing for the Song Contest but this was way too much for me. – I only don't punch you in the face because you're my friend – I told him and left the room.

– Please, don't do this with me – he hurried after me and grasped my wrist. – Please, don't treat me as you didn't know I have feelings for you!

– Can't you remember how many times you've done the same with me? – I asked back a bit hysterically and pulled my hand out of his one. – Granny, can I help? – I asked my grandma when I got to the kitchen.

– If you really wish to – she said and told me to bring some pepper for the food. – How long are you planning to stay? Where did you move? Where did you leave Anna? How did you meet _him_? I have so many questions to ask!

– We're not planning to stay long because I must go back to school – I began answering her questions – And I moved abroad that's why you couldn't find me. Mom... well, she moved... – My eyes were filled with tears.

– Ah, I think I understand – she said sympathizing.

– So, I met him where I moved, I was working for his father and... so, you understand – I smiled and helped her making some food.

We spent the dinner more or less in peace, or at least Kev didn't try to treat me as a girl. But later when we got into our room he restarted his mission. As soon as he closed the door he took me by waist and when I could see his face nearing mine I hugged him instead.

– I don't know how I will survive the funeral – I told him while I buried my face in his chest. – I had a good relationship with him and... I don't want to cry tomorrow – I said finally and as he released me I sat down onto the bed; he couldn't stand sitting further from me than a centimetre so he joined me.

– Don't you want a relaxing...? – he touched my thigh.

– Hey, get your hand down from me – I swept it away.

– You should get used to – he said and placed his hand back. It was a pity that he was right because now I had no objection against his behaviour.

– Okay, you won – I announced – But now as we're here together and have nothing to do...

– I have something to do – he looked at my eyes seriously.

– No, making me love you is not on your to-do-list today – I looked at him. – Remember, Melanie loved you one day and when you realized you loved her as well you were late.

– But I didn't realized it late when it were you! – He looked so gloomy that I couldn't stand it and hugged him again. – I can remember when I kissed you first and we nearly made love. Would have things happened somehow else if we did so?

– I don't know – I replied and as I couldn't say anything to him I decided to have a shower instead. – I'm gone – I said and took my things with me.

– Will you have a bath? – he asked. – Can I help you?

– No, darling, I can do it alone – I said and went out of the room. I tried to have a fast shower and then go to bed and sleep because travelling tired me more than I had thought. I nearly fell asleep standing in the bathroom as well and it upheld that I was tired.

Going back to our room I found Kevin sleeping on the bed in casual clothes – it seemed he was even more tired than I and couldn't wait until I got back. When I could see him I shook my head smiling and after undressing him I covered him with a blanket. Then I thought the situation over and decided to give the stuffed moose to him; and ten minutes after I placed myself in the armchair I was sleeping like a log.

**23****rd**** May, 2014.**

I woke up only in the morning but I felt my back aching, so did my shoulders and I felt my head would need some more blood. Then I felt something heavy in my laps and I opened my eyes – that I shouldn't had done.

– Hi – Kevin smiled at me. He was crouching on the ground, his elbows on my thighs.

– Hello – I replied and as I stretched my neck as to see what the heck he was doing I realized... that he was naked. – JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

– I was having a shower but could you give me a towel?

– Man, if you didn't exist...

– I know, I should be invented – he finished the saying.

– No, I would be able to live peacefully – I grinned sarcastically. – But would you Mr Shyness please get your elbow out of my thigh? I've seen everything on you that I wanted and even those I didn't want.

– What didn't you wish to see? My sexy and phenomenal muscles for example? – he smirked and got up. I just went to the wardrobe and a minute later he got a towel into his hands.

– But – I began – You're not wet.

– I realized I had no towel before I began having a shower – he explained.

– Then why didn't you put your clothes back on you, idiot?!

– I wanted to know what you would do in this situation – he confessed and came closer. – Do you remember what I did back then?

– Yes – I said and tenderly held him by waist and gently breathed a kiss onto his neck. – You should get dressed instead of catching cold – I said finally and let him go. I let him go but he suddenly grasped at my wrist and turned my body back. He swept my hair away from my right shoulder and not really kissed but softly bit my neck. This was my death, he knew how he could make me fall head over heels. I lost the ground under my legs and fell into his arms. Then he began kissing my lips while caressing my side under the T-shirt I was wearing and lay me down on the bed. He began undressing me and as he pushed my hip strongly against the bed with his I felt I wouldn't mind if he wanted to take me to the seventh heaven...

_Knock-knock_.

_What the fuck?!_

_Knock-knock._

I opened my eyes and realized Kevin above me.

– Get down from me – I whispered murderously to Kevin and after looking at me totally surprised he got lost in the bathroom and after I put my tee back I opened the door. – Hi, say it – I said drowsily.

– Where's your friend? – my grandma asked.

– What business do you have with him? – I asked her.

– Nothing I just wanted to tell you that you should have breakfast – she said and went away.

– Huuh – I exhaled and knocked on the door of the bathroom. – Dick, come out, time to eat.

– Okay – he said and still in an only cock he came out.

– What the fuck? Get dressed NOW – I yelled at him and threw some clothes onto him. He just smiled at me mischievously then got dressed and I did so as well.

We had our breakfast in silence and we didn't talk about what had happened some minutes ago. Granny couldn't really understand why Kevin didn't want to eat much – she said eating was a pleasure and those who couldn't understand it weren't people.

– And... how old are you? – she looked at him. I was only the translator-program.

– She asks about your age – I told Kevin.

– Eighteen – he said and I translated into Hungarian.

– So you're in the same age as Trixie– she murmured and I translated. – Darling, you don't have to tell him everything I say!

– Oh, sorry – I said but kept on translating though.

– And is she older or younger than you? – she looked at him again.

– One month older – he replied. Granny widened her eyes, she wasn't used to boys being younger than their girlfriends, she thought it just _wasn't right._

– When will you hold the wedding?

– Granny – I turned to her. – We've been together only for five months!

– Then why did you bring him here?

– He wanted to come – I shrugged my shoulder.

– I will never understand youngsters – she said and stopped interrogating my flatmate.

– You don't even have to understand us but accept it – I said.

– What were you talking about? – Kevin looked at me. – She seemed to be angry after you told her something.

– She asked whether you wanted to marry me – I informed him. – But I told her this was early to talk about it.

– Why, whole Europe thinks we're engaged – he winked.

– Until your book is unpublished – I reacted and he acknowledged it by a nod.

The funeral was at 4 p.m. and I finally burst out crying when he was nearly totally buried. Kevin wanted to hug me but I didn't let him now.

After the whole family – Grandpa's brother, Grandma's brother and his family, Grandma, Kevin and I – had some dinner and everyone went home Granny advised us to take a walk near the Danube. I think she just wanted to be alone a bit.

– Come – I grasped Kevin's wrist. – The quay is just two streets away and the air is fresher there.

I didn't have to tell him twice, he was happy to see places I adored as a child.

– We may meet people but not many. You know me I like being alone so the places I like are also lonely ones. But here, take your sunglasses on. You know, just in case.

– I don't care if we get photographed, there aren't many people here who know me, are there? – he asked. – And even if so: we're officially together aren't we?

– But we are – I said as we stepped onto the street. – But I don't want to explain the situation to anyone if I can also avoid it.

We didn't have to take ten steps on the street when we could see someone waving. _It begins..._

– Jesus, Trixie, I haven't seen you for ages! – she embraced me. _How true..._

– Hello, Stella – I welcomed the girl who was my best friend here. Actually she was the only girl friend of mine here. – Yes, it was a long time ago.

– And who did you bring? – she released me and jumped on the surprised Kevin. – Hello, my name is Stella – she stretched her hand.

– Hi – he accepted her hand. – Sorry, I can't speak Hungarian... I'm Kevin anyways.

– Jesus, Trixie, did you catch a foreigner? – she turned back to me. – Congrats!

– Thanks... – I scraped my nape and laughed embarrassed. – Did you watch Eurovision anyways? – I asked.

– No, I never watch it – she said. – Where did you leave Danny?

– Well – I began. – Where were you going?

– Really, thanks for reminding me, there's a concert in the Hole – she grasped my arm. – Everyone's there, the Wan Worms play tonight!

– Jeez, Gabe's band? Kevin, we must go – I asked him.

– But it was your grandfather's funeral just today... wouldn't it be a problem? – she asked.

– Wait a minute, I go back and ask her you two just talk meanwhile – I said and ran back into the house. Granny said she wouldn't mind if we went to meet with friends but although we were on a party we had to be awake tomorrow when we went to the lawyer.

The guys were happy to see me and when we had some free time I both introduced them to Kevin and informed them about the sad fact: Danny wasn't alive; actually my family began dying out in the last year. They felt sorry for me but after the second beer – or the first vodka – we could talk about everything, Adam, Doman and Gabe were Stella's classmates and they had final exams this year – just as I would have had.

The Wan Worms made a fucking awesome party, they played mostly old metal and punk and I knew most of the songs.

It again turned out that I was an awesome audience – I sang, bounced, did headbang and pogo. Lehel, the drummer told me it made him feel good I enjoyed their concert. Gabe was the bass guitarist; the guitarist was named French and the singer Wolf – these last two got their nicknames because they were actually named Paris and Farkas (literally meaning "wolf" in English) and both hated their names.

– Will _this_ stay with us longer? – French pointed at Kevin when they finished their concert. I wasn't sure if French had seen how he looked at him while he played the guitar or my blond flatmate simply annoyed him but he didn't want Kev to join us. And he also called him _this_ and although he didn't understand what we were talking about it was rude.

– My face tears down, man, how can you be such an asshole? – I asked him.

– Could you see how he looked at me? – he asked back.

– Ah, don't care about it, he is like this – I said and pointed at him with my whole palm.

– What are you two talking about? – Kev asked me exceptionally in Swedish because he didn't want anyone to understand us.

– He didn't like the way you looked at him – I replied in his language.

– Hah, he was such a fool he couldn't even play the guitar – he laughed pompously.

– Hey, it was enough for these songs and don't you dare say you were better after two years!

– Lord, you shouldn't even let him play in a band after this short time!

– Okay, finish it now – I said yet in English as to make them both understand it. – Enough.

– So you accept my opinion? – they asked at the same time.

– I accept no one's opinion – I announced. – Kevin, you let French play the guitar as he can and you, man, accept that _this_ stays with us. Come – I finished my talk.

– I nominate you for a guitar-dual and if you beat me you can stay – French looked murderously into Kevin's eyes.

– Man, I don't think it would be a good idea... – I said but yet Kevin accepted his offer so I couldn't make them stop now. They both had to play a three minutes-long guitar solo.

I just sat down deadly calm and waited. Everyone, I mean everyone who didn't know it was Yohio here were interested in the result. _Men and dick-measuring all the time..._

They sat on their amplifiers and French began. He had good technique and everyone loved what he did with the guitar; then it was Kevin's turn.

– Trixie – Kevin looked at me. – Frantic Elegance or Aggressive Beauty?

– Beauty – I smiled and he began playing it.

Everyone was amazed at him, they stared at him with their mouths open and when he finished French had to close his mouth with his hand.

– Okay, I think you can stay – he said finally. – But man, where did you learn all these?

– Well, I think it's time to show them a video – I looked at Kevin and he nodded.

I took the advantage of the free WiFi and that Stella had her tablet with her and told her to open YouTube and type "Eurovision 2014 Sweden, final" and watch the video together; luckily there was one that also contained the interview they made with me. To be honest I had never seen the video before and I found myself much prettier on the screen.

– Jeez, it's you – Adam shouted as the camera showed my face.

– You became famous – Stella hugged me. – My friend – she smiled.

– Yes, and now Kevin doesn't let me step on the street without him – I said huffily.

– I can imagine how many fans want to tear your hair out – Stella grinned.

– Thank you for reminding me – I said then as I could see she regretted what she had just said I boxed into her shoulder. – Come on, we're friends – I said.

– Anyone who wants to play nünüke? – Wolf suggested and he took his cards out of his pocket. We appreciated the idea but as also I wanted to play others changed their minds immediately.

About this game: you need at least one pack of UNO or SOLO cards but the more it is the better it is; and a cap of a bottle. Everyone gets the same amount of cards but no one knows about their own cards. You place your pack in front of you upside down and the cap in the centre of the table. One turns one of his cards up, the one next to him continues the circle and when two has the same number on their cards one of them has to pick the cap up and swipe it on the table again. The one who loses gets the cards. The one who loses his cards first wins. It all sounds good but the only rule in getting the cup is that there's no rule so you can kick, hit, bite and so one. I'm one of the more aggressive players and so no one really likes to play with me. But Kevin didn't know it yet...

– It sounds dumb but we can make a try – he said.

– First you'd better just watch us – I smiled and we sat down. Everything went more or less well until Kevin joined but then his first card was a three and when I turned mine it was a three too. He picked up the cap fast and wanted to swipe when I jumped on him and began flexing his fist and when I saw it wouldn't work I bit his arm.

– AUCH, you beast! – he yelled at me as I swiped the cap.

– Did it hurt much? – I caressed his arm where I had bit it and showed the others that we would quit the game for some time.

– Yes, it did, what are you, a girl or a beast? – he asked with eyes widened.

– Well, my parents wanted a girl but this came... – I grinned.

– Also my parents wanted a girl but I came – he said. – My name was going to be... Olivia.

I began chuckling as I heard it. I couldn't even imagine him being a girl and Olivia was definitely a name that wouldn't suit him.

– Hey, are you seriously laughing at me? – he looked at me. – I'm sure you would have many times worse name being a man!

– I was planned to be Benjamin so it wouldn't be as bad as yours – I winked and he boxed into my shoulder.

– Would you like some drink? – he asked.

– Wait, I have a good idea, come – I got up and grasped his arm. We went to the bar and ordered a drink named "rabid dog" that contained vodka, orange-juice and Tabasco-sauce.

– Here – I gave him his one.

– Do you really want me to drink orange-juice? – he accepted and tasted it. – Jeez, what is this? – he asked with deformed face.

– Rabid dog – I laughed. – Do you have a problem with vodka or Tabasco?

– I have never tasted such thing but it's good – he showed me like-signs.

– It makes you drink it – I smiled and after we finished them I told him what he had to try. – Have you ever heard of pálinka?

– Pardon? – he asked back.

– I'd buy for you but that forty per cent of alcohol that those in shops contain is nothing, you must try home-made ones. And I know who can give you – I said and asked Stella if they had some at home.

– Of course, would you like to take with you as well?

– I don't know maybe if he likes it – I replied.

Ten minutes later someone had a thought and we went to the street as to find some people who were high and screw them.

– Where are we going? – Kevin asked as we stepped onto the street.

– Shh, you will like it – I whispered and pulled him with me. – First we have to find someone high then we tell them we give them something – and they believe it! I have never seen this just Stella told me stories about it. Stella – I said and she turned to me.

– Say it – she came to us.

– Would you please tell some good stories about this to Kevin? – I asked her.

– Of course – she replied and began the story.

_They went to the chosen person that was sitting in the middle of the road and welcomed him. Then Doman pulled out a large-sized NOTHING from behind his back and told him:_

_– __Look what I brought for you! An aquarium!_

_– __Wow, how pretty one – the guy said because he hallucinated the aquarium being there._

_Doman began moving it and the guy moved his head in the same way._

_– __Don't do this, you will kill the fishes! – he said and tried to hit Doman's hand but he was such a dick that he acted as if he dropped it._

_– __Look, now it' fallen down and the fishes have died! – he yelled at the guy._

_– __How much does an aquarium like this cost? – the guy asked frantically with his wallet in his hand. – I'll buy one for you!_

_– __There's no other aquarium like this; it was the only one and you broke it! Now we go leave you here with the dead fishes. Eat what you've cooked! _(Hungarian saying, meaning "deal with the problem you caused for yourself")_ – he said finally and laughing they left him alone._

– Lord – he said as I finished translating. – Do I really want this?

– Of course – I laughed. – It will be funny.

– But you... – he disagreed.

– I? I'm drunk! – I said loudly and hugged him while walking. – That was nearly three years ago and now there's no chance, I mean _no chance_ – I stressed it – that we would smoke. And also you're here – I boxed into his shoulder.

– You know – he shrugged his shoulders.

After ten minutes walking we could find someone sitting in the middle of the road totally high. We were told that let anything happen, don't laugh and when time comes – we would know it – just pretend speaking; then we went there, welcomed him and Doman began his usual speech. He would make a great actor by the way.

– Look what I brought for you! – he said with an enormous grin on his face and pulled out some nothing from behind his back. – An invisible pink glass bell!

I was translating everything to Kevin but now I began chuckling and couldn't tell him anything from my silent laughter.

– What was that? – he dug me.

– Invisible pink, got it, _invisible pink!_ – I stressed it whispering – glass bell.

– Man... – he commented and began chuckling with me.

– Now I'll put it on your head – Doman continued – and after I count three and turn it you won't hear us. – Even louder chuckling; poor Kevin got all pieces of information later but when he joined us we were still dying from silent laughter. Now we understood what _pretend speaking_ meant. – Here we go! – Doman continued. – One, two... – and he just gawped the word _three_ as he turned the nothing on his head. Then he "asked" him I guess whether he was fine and turned to us still gawping.

– Hey, I can't hear anything! – the guy yelled frantically. – Take it off! Take!

I somehow could explain Kevin what was going on and so finally he could "talk" with the others without language problems – but after saying some words to everyone he came back to me. He hugged me and whispered into my ears.

– It's something I've never thought before, thank you for bringing me here. I'm happy to have a friend like you.

_Friend, eh? You wanted to fuck me less than 24 hours before!_

– I'm happy you enjoy this – I whispered back. – And do you know what the best about it is?

– No, please, tell me – he hugged me even stronger.

– It costs nothing – I said finally and hoped he understood what I meant. That I didn't talk about screwing someone but about my friendship.

– I know – he said and just held me. I closed my eyes and I guess he did as well.

Some minutes later Doman showed we should go and we finally left the guy there alone.

– Could you see his face? – they laughed.

– He even grabbed at Gabe's jeans and asked for his help but he just gawped if he could help. – I translated what they were talking about. – But now come home, we must sleep as well – I advised and so we said farewell to the others and left.

At home we first of all ate then had a shower and I accepted his offer to sleep near him.

**24****th**** May, 2014.**

Today we went to the lawyer's and I got my heritage based on his last wish: everything, I mean _everything_ that was his became mine as both his brother and wife were too old for these. This everything wasn't many things, just his clothes, objects, money, car and the half of the house. I decided to offer his clothes and objects (except most of his books) to a charity but kept everything else and gave to Grandma to use them.

– Why did you keep the books? I could buy many times better and especially newer versions for you – Kevin commented after we left.

– I can't always rely on you – I said. – My contract will expire, the Princess Angel will leave Yohio and as soon as we become "only friends" I have no more right to exploit you or use those things I used to as your girlfriend.

– What if you don't leave me? What if you change your mind? – he turned my face as to watch him.

– Didn't you see what my grandparents had? – I asked back calmly. – This is how I was living for my entire life. I simply can't rely on "what if?"-s. You couldn't get job for me as I have no diploma or degree could you? I must frequent school for at least three more years. This isn't how it works – I finished but in my mind I added: _How could someone who was born with silver spoon in his mouth understand it?_

After this statement of mine he wanted to buy me something and finally we decided that I would need some Hungarian books and although it was Saturday we could find a supermarket that was open 0-24 7/7 so after three hours we left with I think about 20 new books – including cookery-books, novels and one Hungarian language-book for Kevin – he stubbornly decided to learn my language because he found it beautiful. _It's a language that's so energetic and fresh that it makes me feel like it is the cause why my blood flows in my veins and butterflies fly in my stomach!_ – this was the original sentence of his.

**25****th**** May, 2014.**

We came back home today bringing Stella's pálinka.

Did I really write _home_? Lord, your daughter Trixie feels her home is in Sweden, moreover in his boss' apartment!

**26****th**** May, 2014.**

Today finally Kevin let me go to school. Yaay!

He shouldn't have done. Or I don't know if it has been good what he had done or not because I'm still not feeling well. My head, my back, actually my whole body aches as Hell.

Everything went well on the lessons and my teachers acted as they believed I was ill for two weeks – I was aware of the fact that they secretly knew what was going on or at least they had a slight suspicion – and most of the students handled me as before – in no way.

Then when I was trying to go home and just left the school-building I got a slap from Carina but she was the only one whom I accepted it from because I knew why she did so and so I showed her my other cheek; but after looking deeply in my eyes she left.

After all this began my torture.

First just some girls, even from other schools wanted to poke me and drag my hair then as I didn't let them do it after a while and slapped one of them they began beating and kicking me, soon others who just wanted to fight came and I just sat in a corner and stood their hits and kicks because somehow I felt I deserved this. I ached everywhere but I preferred feeling the pain physically because their mental warfare, that they acted as if nothing had happened was too much for me. When Vanessa found me I was yet praying for mercy and grace. She couldn't do anything but taking her phone and dialling a number.

– Sebbie, don't hold me back! – I could hear Kevin's voice some minutes later, but it seemed to come from far away then I saw his silhouette fighting his way through the mass. I was amazed that I was still alive. As he came closer people went further from me but I was kicked for the last time. My sight wasn't clear at all because of the blood that got into my eyes.

– Are you fine, babe? – he whispered to me and caressed my head. I knew he was close but I couldn't hear him well, like his voice had to fly through the universe to reach me. I nodded slowly as an answer for his question but my neck started to hurt. – Come, I'll take you away from this insanity – he said and lifted my half-dead body. – Who the Hell do you think you are to play God?! – he turned to the crowd and used his deadly low voice as to frighten them with me in his arms. – She is just a human being like you or me she haven't done anything bad just loves me! You consider yourselves as my fans? – he asked coldly. – Did you really think I would stand by or even appreciate the idea of nearly killing her?! Have you seriously gone crazy?! – He was yet shouting with them but I could hear his voice shaking as he was talking about me. – And this many people against one? I've thought my fans understand me, that they are better people than the rest of the world but now I can see I was wrong – you are all worse than any assassins, they at least play one against one games – he finished even more rigidly and took me out embracing my body. I could see some teardrops deep in his eyes but when we got to the car I lost my consciousness and only came round in the hospital – second time this month.

Although seeing tubes and hearing beeping machines wasn't a new phenomenon I felt something was weird about the situation. The hand that was grasping mine was different than last time but it was still familiar.

– She came back – I could hear Kevin's quiet voice. Then I opened my eyes and saw those people who were the most important for me: Kevin and his family, Sebbie and Vannie.

– You idiot why didn't you just run away? – Van came and hugged me.

– Their dreams were broken apart – I replied. – Someone had to suffer for this.

– But why you? – Kevin asked. – They were chasing dead dreams.

– You should know that hope dies last – I forced a powerless smile on my face.

– Their hope nearly meant your end – Sebastian added and I had to agree with him.

After everyone scolded me for feeling too strong and proud they left me together with Kevin as to be able to decide: what's next?

**27****th**** May, 2014.**

Yesterday many articles saw the light about what has just happened and as there were videos uploaded to various pages about what Kevin said about his own fans we couldn't even deny the fact he actually called them soulless assassins.

He must have a really strong fan-core because although his words made him lose many fanatics there were comments everywhere that people understand him, girls should accept his heart's choice and don't fight against it because they will just fail. There was one girl nicknamed Cinnia98 who always stood by my side and told people I was the best choice for Yohio because it could be seen obviously that I hadn't hurt anyone – that actually wasn't completely true because first I gave a slap to one girl and I also hurt their feelings – and those who came to destroy me wouldn't be able to handle Yohio's lifestyle. She also said she felt ashamed instead of those insane fanatics who had attacked me and she thought the girls just should come back to reality and try to find a boy that they were able to get.

Kevin gave an interview in a morning TV-show and pointed out that although he still couldn't believe that those who were living in Sweden, a country that was so modern and where his serious messaged lyrics reached understanding ears young girls acted as if they were barbarians and tried to reach effect with physical strength instead of diplomacy. He also said he felt he had used too strong phrases to describe them but he couldn't forgive until they didn't apologize for me.

– I don't care whether they tell it to me or not because it's not me with whom they have had serious affair but Beatrix. It's something in which they have to reach a point and as I have pointed out our, not only her, _our_ wish I want to become an intermediary from now on.

– Why did he say all these? – Van, today's attendant asked me.

– He's such a good man – I said with tears in my eyes. – If he didn't expect apologizes it could seem as if people could do anything to us but pointing out that he also wants it and not just me means both that people must accept we're a pair and it doesn't make me seem an egoist whore who deserves what she has got.

**30****th**** May, 2014.**

I'll be able to go home from the hospital tomorrow; during the time I spent here I could finish _Our Fake Story_, or better said _Angel In The Details_. Kevin said he loved the emotional ending and the way I pasted the ring into the storyline.

Cinnia98 wrote me a message just 10 minutes ago. She said she would like to visit me in the hospital before they let me out tomorrow because she had to tell me something important.


	9. Extra - Angel In The Details

Our Fake Story

[full shortened version]

Do you want to know how a foreigner can change your life? Or someone you have just met On the street? You simply shouldn't close real world out of your mind, you must take care of every single movement that happens in your environment because people around you can change your life forever.

It happened in February, 2011. Dad figured out that it would be good for me if I went to breathe some fresh Mediterranean air and lived through some real Mediterranean crowd. And where else could we find both than in the Carnival of Venice? Colourful clothes and happy people everywhere. I thought he somehow realized I was a bit depressed that time but we never talked about it.

As I have just mentioned I was rather introverted those times, I hid behind colours and make-up so no one could see what lay deep inside. I hardly ever went out of my room, I just played my guitar and wrote my songs. My guitar was one with me, it was the only one I opened for. I could tell it everything that was on my mind and getting things off my chest was easier if my talking partner was dumb as a grave. I knew it would never tell my problems to anyone – and no one would be able to read the lines I had written – like if I kept a diary. And now, my father wanted to tear me out of this beloved state.

I actually didn't want to go, I felt it was good for me to live in my pod without letting anyone in, and I was afraid of this trip that wanted to force me out of my comfort zone. Or might I just feel that it would change my life? I don't know. I don't even care – as I used to. With all my energy I worked on getting out of this fix.

First I wanted to get ill. It would have been the easiest, I thought, I just had to tell him I caught cold and we stayed at home. All this would have been all right; but when I informed him about my state he said it was one more cause to go to a place where I can get better. Dad : Yohio – 1:0.

Then I asked my friend, Seb to tell him his parents were going on a one-month-long business-trip so he had to sleep at our house. I didn't think he would call them.

Then I tried to break my leg but it was a dead idea even when I figured it out. When it came to jump down from the top of the tree in our yard I decided not even climbing on it. I was afraid of getting seriously injured and this fear was stronger than the one I felt for people.

The day of our journey was coming dangerously and as the days fell off in the calendar my state became even worse and worse. First I just couldn't sleep well, then I couldn't eat because my stomach was in cramp all day. Then one day I had a nightmare that returned over and over: an evil witch chased me in small streets and she simply didn't want to let me go. With every step we took she came closer and closer but I woke up every single day just before she could reach me. I was going on the same way every day and I didn't know: if I changed my way would she get me or let me go?

The night before we set off I didn't even sleep because I didn't want to see the witch again. I was thinking all night and although I was not a Christian I tried to pray the Christian God to let me just live in peace and don't harass me with dreams like that but I didn't dare fall asleep.

At six in the morning my family got up and after having our breakfast we went to Stockholm to get the plane to Venice. I didn't actually know Venice had an airport.

During the flight I simply tried to sleep but unluckily I wasn't able because the woman behind me took her noisy child with her and the one before me seemed to be afraid of flying so she was praying for four hours to get there safe and sound. They were really annoying and as I had left my headphones at home I couldn't even listen to music and have a rest. My only luck was that Amalia and Dad knew I didn't want to communicate so they were only chatting with each other and didn't force me to join them.

Getting there at about half past eleven a big crowd and strong sunshine welcomed me. At least I didn't forget to take my sunglasses with me. I felt really happy about it. I told Dad to give me some money I could spend and I tried to find the least crowded part of the city. I wasn't interested in either San Marco square or the Rialto, not speaking about the bridge of moans at the doge's palace but they didn't let me without showing me them. Then they let me go without a simple map and with two hundred Euros and told me to have my phone with me.

Of course it wouldn't have been me if I didn't cause a trouble just ten minutes later. We separated from each other and I was walking back the Rialto looking for a shop where I could buy myself earphones when I simply bumped into a girl who was in a hurry and both of us fell onto the ground.

– Scusi, signorina _(~ sorry, Miss)_ – she said with her head bowed and even with my non-existing Italian-knowledge I could find out she thought I was a woman. My clothes and make-up might cause this.

– Hey – I said a bit angrily and she looked up at me surprised. I actually wanted to tell her to go to Hell but when I could see her face I immediately changed my mind. – Never mind, I'm fine – I said finally and tried to help her getting up. Only after releasing her hand did I realize that she had some injuries. – Your hand is blooding – I announced.

– You don't say – she reacted in English and when our gaze met we burst out laughing. I still don't know what made me laugh then but I simply felt it would be joyful.

– Don't you want to go home and get this clean? – I asked after I finished laughing. I didn't want her get seriously injured because it would mean that I had to pay her for her hospitalization. And that she had been injured because of me.

– Oh, no, I can't go home, I'm not Venetian. I'm a simple tourist – she smiled embarrassed – just like I did. – I think I should go now, I want to find my group. Well, bye – she waved and the smile she gave me made me melt.

– Hey – I caught her arm when she wanted to pass by me. – It was my fault that you fell. I'm sorry. But could I satisfy you with... a coffee for example? – I asked finally. As I have never offered anything like this to any girls I was embarrassed and proud of myself that I mumbled two times less than I did if I knew her. I thought that in the worst case she would say _no_ and she walked away like nothing had just happened. She wouldn't even remember this a month later.

– Uhm, yes, if you think so – she accepted. – My name's Beatrix anyways, but everyone calls me just Trixie – she said and stretched her hand as to be able to shake hands.

– Hi, I'm Yohio – I accepted and introduced myself. Her touch was strong.

– Wow, where are you from? This seems to be a Japanese name but you don't really look like one... – she checked my face. She was really close to me that made me embarrassed again and I was really surprised she didn't mention I blushed.

– It's actually a nickname – I let out a small laughter – no one uses my real name. Even my father calls me Yohio.

– Ah, I see. So, where's my coffee? – she smiled and with that she totally made me fall head over heels; I wanted to get to know her.

– That... er... – I mumbled and I was sure I blushed again. She just smiled at me and a simple moment later took my wrist and pulled me to a direction. – Hey, what are you doing? – I asked as soon as I realized what was going on.

– Some minutes earlier I found a café nearby that seemed to be a hundred times cheaper than those on Piazza San Marco. Come – she released me and I hurried next to her because I wanted to see her seeking the place.

– Hey, first we should wash your hand somewhere, don't you think so? – I questioned as I reached her.

– There was a fountain just near it so it will be good like this – she looked at me and told me to turn right. I first didn't understand what she was just talking about but when she bumped into me again I realized that she just wanted me to go into the street that was on my right side.

She took out some papers and tried to localize where we were and where we had to go. She even swore in her language when we missed a corner and it took us nearly half an hour – to get back to the Rialto.

– I can't believe it – she sighed and sat down on a bench. – Ah, I'm hungry – she said and took some sandwich out of her backpack. – Come, I can see you would hog it with your eyes.

I sat down near her and accepted the food. To be honest I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and as my stomach finally wasn't in cramp I began feeling that something edible would benefit. I wasn't actually hungry, yet I didn't feel hunger but I could feel a bit weak and some minutes earlier I nearly fell on her because I was close to faint – but she didn't know it; when I touched her shoulder and she looked at me I just said I stumbled.

– Wow, it's yummy – I said as I bit from the sandwich she gave me. – Who made it?

– Hmm – she smirked. – It was Mom because I nearly missed my bus to the town I came from – she said. – I'm notoriously late from everywhere.

We continued eating in silence. I wanted to talk to her because I enjoyed her company but I could see she was thinking on something strongly so I let her sink in her thoughts.

– Where were you going, anyways? – I asked her after our lunch. I was happy that I could start a conversation again because while being with her I at least didn't feel being alone although we didn't talk for a while. It was weird because the only person with whom I felt this was Sebbie; and now a girl who I had just met turned out to be a better company than my own family. It made me think my life over.

– As have I told you I lost my group and I thought I could find someone but as I bumped into you I lost her – she said and got up a simple moment later. – There! – she shouted and began running into a direction. I couldn't do anything but following her if I didn't want to lose a friend I had just found far away from home.

It didn't take much time to reach her and make her slow down but also this amount of running made me pant and breathe heavily. My hand rested on her shoulder until I could breathe easily again and so I could feel how tiny she was. Looking at her I realized that she was smaller than the average height for girls in Sweden, only about 1,60 tall and her bones were thin as well. Thinking these over I felt I wanted to protect her, but this feeling rested in my heart only for some minutes, then I realized I didn't even know her and my thought flew away as a soap-bubble flies away when you blow it – and it pops in the end.

– Here – she said meanwhile and if I didn't grasp her shoulder she would have gone in and let me fall on my knees from tiredness. – Are you fine? – she asked apprehensively when she looked at me. – You don't look well.

– If you didn't run it wouldn't have happened – I replied. I didn't really mean it like that and luckily she didn't misunderstand me just caressed my head and promised me not to run next time. She was absolutely sympathetic so I began thinking: what on Earth might be her defect?

When I finally could stand on my two legs without grasping anything we went into the café.

– Buongiorno! _(~ good afternoon!)_ – we welcomed them and sat down at a random table deep inside the café. It was darker there and as it seemed we both liked darkness.

– Buongiorno, signorine! Che vogliono? _(~ good afternoon, ladies, what would you like to order?)_ – a waitress came to us to pick up our order. Of course I didn't understand anything of it; and also Trixie wasn't willing to translate. I poke her shoulder to show her I didn't understand anything and please, translate for me, but she just spread my hand down from her body – that irritated me a bit.

– Let me speak, please – she said and turned to the waitress speaking in Italian again. – Psst! É un ragazzo _(~ he's a boy)_ – she said pointing at me. I didn't really understand what she said but I clearly understood she was talking about me in spite of that too.

– Ah, scusimi, signore _(~ I'm sorry, Mr)_ – the waitress looked at me with an apologizing face that I simply smiled for. Yes, I was embarrassed again because I was surrounded by people.

– Non é un problema grande _(~ it's not a big problem)_ – she laughed and the waitress joined her.

– What are you guys talking about? – I asked a bit more angrily than I should. It just simply annoyed me that people were speaking in a language I didn't know near me – about me.

– Just... nothing, just choose something, 'kay?

– Er... what about a latte macchiato? – I checked the list of drinks. I actually didn't understand anything as it was written in Italian.

– Do you like milk so much? – she smiled at me with that absolutely cute smile only she had.

– Then... chocolate cappuccino, as usually. And you? I'll buy you anything just say it.

– A white chocolate but let me order – she said and after my nod turned to the waitress. – Signorina! Un cappuccino cioccolato per lui e un cioccolata biancha per me, per favore. _(~ Miss! A chocolate cappuccino for him and white chocolate for me, please.)_

– Nient' altro? _(~ nothing else?)_ – she asked back.

– No, niente, grazie _(~ no, nothing, thanks.)_ – she smiled at her again. She was good at smiling at people.

– É cinque Euro ottanta. _(~ five Euros eighty)_

– Un momento _(~ a minute, please)_ – Trixie said and turned to me. – Five Euros eighty. It's much cheaper than in the centre and still good I believe.

– Here, give her ten. She can keep the rest – I took out my wallet and gave her the money.

– Cinque e ottanta per le beve... E quattro e venti per te. Hai una bellissima giornata! _(~ Five and eighty for the drinks... And four and twenty for you. Have a nice day!)_ – she paid to the surprised waitress and then began talking to me again. – Don't you think you were a bit too generous? – She bent closer to my face as to be able to talk more quietly. – Who are you to pay so much? I came here with twenty Euros! You're fishy, guy... – Her words made me fear my identity. – Ah, never mind, it's not my business.

– Eccoli _(~ here you are)_ – the waitress came back with our drinks. Trixie thanked her and for a while we were sipping in silence.

– Uhm, tell me about yourself – I said when we had already finished our drinks. As soon as I said I regretted it. I was too concrete.

– Well... my name's Beatrix, I'm fifteen and a half years old – she began speaking while she held her head with her palms. – And I'm actually not Italian, I'm Hungarian.

– Really? – I widened my eyes. I actually didn't know where Hungary was, I thought it was somewhere in central Asia so it surprised me that she looked... European. – I thought you were because you could communicate with them so easily.

– Haha, you're funny – she smiled at me. – I've just learnt it at school.

– Did you say fifteen and a half? Which month were you born in? – I asked curiously. I was fifteen and a half too and I couldn't have stood if she was older.

– June – she said easily and it broke my dreams apart. She was older so I began feeling minority-complex. – Why? – she asked.

– You're a month older than me – I said sadly.

– And? – she asked again. – Never mind, I won't order you – she laughed.

– And... what kind of films and books do you like? – I asked after we have discussed our taste in food, colours, smells, places and weather. As I was a musician yet I wanted to ask it at the end. First I wanted to know whether she liked the things I did.

– My favourite book is The Lord of The Rings-trilogy, I have read it twice last year and my favourite film... I don't know; I like mainly fantasy, comedy and romance. What about you, dear Mr I-still-don't-know-where-you-are-from? – _Really, where am I from?_ I even forgot this when she told exactly the same things I liked.

– Ah, I'm from Sweden, anyways. Well, believe it or not but it's the same for me – I replied.

– Romance? – she asked. Seemingly she couldn't believe her ears. Of course; not many men confess they like romance although most of them enjoy it. We have feelings as well, ain't we?

– Yes, romance, is it a problem? – I laughed. _And now... last but not least..._ – And a last question: music?

– Music? Hmm... – She looked on the ceiling and now she looked like a real clumsy angel who had lost her way. – It has been Tokio Hotel and Cinema Bizarre for the last four years but nowadays I mainly listen to Nightwish. Why do you grin that much? – she asked when she looked back at me and I realized that I truly was grinning like an idiot.

– Nothing, nothing – I said. – It's been long that I could find someone who liked the same things as I did. Er... – I was embarrassed again. – Would you like to go for a walk?

– Sure – she got up and we left to the San Marco square. I wanted to find a place where there weren't many people – and she helped me seeking one. It took us half an hour to get there but it was worth: we could find the nearly only place in the city that was green – and that had a playground. Both of us were taking photos but neither of us took of us two: we didn't think we would meet again and wanted it to be something like a summer-romance; better said a one-day-long-friendship. And also we didn't dare ask for it.

As Dad hadn't called me yet I offered to go back with her to the place she met with her group at eight. Yes, we spent the whole afternoon together – and we got on very well. Getting there everyone stared at me and her. I had promised her to wait until she took on the ship that took them back to the bus in Lido di Jesolo and when she nearly got on it I gave her a piece of paper I had written when I had some free time and she didn't pay attention on me.

– What's this? – she asked while looking at me surprised.

– Just check later – I said and kissed her cheeks three times. She looked at me a bit surprised then smiled and promised that she would only check it on the bus on the way home.

What was on the paper? My messenger-address and my facebook, and that she should add me on both. I knew I was reckless to give out my identity to an unknown person but I enjoyed the time we spent together so much that I didn't want to lose my new friend.

The ship just left the harbour and I had just stopped waving to her when my phone rang. It was Dad and he told me to meet before the doge's palace twenty minutes later. He was surprised that I was smiling for myself when I got there; and that when he asked me about what had happened so far I didn't answer but the smile on my face grew even bigger.

Later at home I thought over what the Hell happened to me and I just couldn't find any rational conclusion but that I met an angel from Heaven.

Next day, at about noon, while I was checking my MSN and facebook I could realize I had friend-requests on both. It was her – and as soon as I accepted them she wrote me a message on messenger:

_Hey, man, didn't we agree this would be a one-day-long-friendship?!_

I videocalled her immediately. I actually wanted to see her face. Was I missing her or what?

– But you added me, didn't you? – I laughed into the camera. I was happy to see her. Truly.

– 'Coz I wanted to scold you! I'm banning you now... – she said rigidly and I was sure she would do so if I didn't think of something useful soon.

– No! – A simple _No!_ was the only reaction that came out of my mouth. My active vocabulary was awful, wasn't it? I didn't let her do it alone, I was scolding myself as well...

– What's that? Huh? – she asked a bit annoyed but I could understand her. She wanted me to stay a one-day-long-happiness and didn't want to get disappointed because of me.

– I... I just enjoyed the time I spent with you. Couldn't we become... netfriends? – It was the only idea that came into my mind; but at least it was better than nothing.

– Well... I enjoyed it as well... – She blushed. I was sure she blushed. Or did I just want it? I don't know. – So you got home safe and sound... – She side-tracked. Obviously she couldn't (or didn't want to) answer me yet.

– Yes, and it seems you as well. – I accepted that she didn't want to talk about it. Yet in Venice I realized that she did the same when a topic occurred that I didn't want to talk about. She simply ignored it and began talking about something rather banal just to save my mood. It was really nice of her, I appreciated this value of hers.

– Yeah, but I couldn't sleep on the bus and I'm tired now so... have a nice day, Mr Volvo! – she smiled a bit arrogantly and with this simple sentence (and objection) disconnected as well. Her arrogance made me surprised but I could feel it was only an act.

– Hey... This girl... Ah! – I leaned back in my seat smiling. Later at half past six p.m. she logged in again and so I was sure she didn't want to ban me. She also apologized for being so rude but as she couldn't sleep on the bus she didn't want anything else just fall in bed and sleep. I could understand her. She told me that some people were asking her about me and she had to say I was a friend she had known for years and finally she was able to meet; then we talked about useless things. That night I slept even better than ever in my life though my father and Amalia were arguing about something later.

From that day we always talked after learning, we discussed school and people, sometimes the books we were reading or the films we had just seen. She somehow brought me back to life via Internet. During these conversations I realized that we in Sweden didn't have to learn hard. She sometimes showed me her homework and I was surprised both on the quality and the quantity. They learned some things I had never heard about although I had my final exams next year. This made me respect her smartness as well, not only her age. I sometimes felt there were too many things to respect in her. But still I didn't want to tell her that I was playing in a fairly well-known band in Sweden. Not yet.

On New Year's Eve I vowed I would tell her about my job next day but my declaration turned out to be less important and sensational than hers. But we shall start at the beginning: I was celebrating with the band and Seb out in the town until dawn so I got home at about six in the morning. I was neither drunk, nor afflicted by hangover but absolutely exhausted. I wanted nothing else but a comfortable bed and a well-situated blanket with a giant pillow. As soon as I got these I fell asleep not thinking about anything. I only woke up at five p.m. and then a message was waiting for me:

_Yohio, call me asap, I have some great news! ;)_

I couldn't imagine what kind of news she could have. She had always been gushing about someone she was longing for for the last some months and she said she would go to the party this guy was going to go but the image didn't fill in yet.

I called her on MSN and as her happy face appeared on the screen I smiled unintentionally.

– So, let me hear those great news! – I said instead of welcoming her. I wanted to get through this soon and tell her about myself.

– He asked me out! He really asked me out! Can you imagine? I was running after him for two years and he asked me out last night! Oh, my heart beats faster every time I think of it...

– Ah, really? – I asked not even concentrating on what she was saying but on her warm voice. It always enchanted me; I didn't even concentrate on the thing I wanted to tell her.

– Aren't you happy about it? I won't ever cry again about my platonic love for you! Never more! Ah, this is a materialized dream, isn't it? – she looked at the ceiling wondering.

– Listen, I must tell you something... – I began my confession. I thought it was a now or never because I was sure I wouldn't dare do it again.

– Ah, I think I love Ivor! – she sighed and leaned back grinning in her seat.

– WHAT? – I asked loudly. I finally realized we were talking at cross-purposes. What she had just said hit me in heart.

– Didn't you pay attention on me? – she got up from the chair. – Ah, men, all the same, you tell them something and they don't even pretend listening to it. But my darling is different... What did you want to say, anyways? – she sat down again.

– Nothing interesting, I... I just wanted to congratulate for your relationship. I hope it will last long and he will make you happy. – My heart contracted into a tiny coin while I was telling her these. – Listen, I must go now, bye! – I waved her and as I could see her waving back I switched off my computer and fell in my bed gloomily. First of all I wanted to think – and what could be a better place to think than a hot bath? I immediately let hot water in the tub and sitting in it I began thinking about her. Some minutes later I suddenly realized that I didn't know what I was feeling for her and that I couldn't decide whether I was happy or sad about her love. She had always loved him, hadn't she? She had known him for more time than she had known me, hadn't she? Then why did I feel my heart and stomach in cramp when I could realize she loved him and he wanted to try with her as well?

Thinking back I guess I've been simply jealous. But of course I wouldn't dare confess it for even myself – because that would had meant I loved her – and I didn't want to love someone living so far-far away from me.

However, I felt like she had cheated on me, on the relationship that was between us. This was the time when the first version of Heartbreak Hotel was born – but I simply put it into the drawer and locked it. I didn't want to give this to Seike because it was about my too-honest-feelings for my Angel. They would interrogate me and I couldn't answer. _Who's this girl? How did you meet her? How long have you known her? Why haven't you mentioned her? What do you feel for her?_ These were the questions I didn't want to – or couldn't – answer. I simply wanted her to stay my secret that I didn't share with anyone, but the lyrics were too concrete to say I just imagined the feeling – as I used to do before.

From that day I wrote more and more lyrics about love. Most of them were imagined acts but the feelings I wrote down were real. I always showed her the lyrics I had just written and she always loved them. Meanwhile I could tell her I was playing in a band and when I told her this band was famous both in Japan and Sweden she told me she had already known because I informed her anno in Venice and she checked it as soon as she got home; she was just waiting for me to confess. It really eased my heart.

For one and a half year I could manage on playing a good friend who really wanted nothing from her but her true friendship. I was her soul-dustbin – as she was mine. She was the one who kept spirit in me when I was a bit depressed, when I finally didn't win Melodifestivalen and when some problems occurred in Seremedy – and when we finally disbanded. She told me not to worry because all these things were forming my personality, they taught me to lose and they let me time to think and write even better songs – and one day she incidentally added that with this I could spend more time with her, but then she withdrew her statement.

Then one day she didn't answer my call. She only wrote a message that said she needed some time alone. Next day she informed me that her father and her brother had just died on the previous day in a car-accident. She was really lucky because if she had gone straight home from school she wouldn't be alive. I somehow could understand the shock she had to live through. I played her soul-dustbin as I always had been doing and she got a bit better. She had a strong personality that didn't let her break – yet.

Her eighteenth birthday was only a month later. That day I called her as well and she told me about the party her friends and family made for her... And that Ivor, that trash broke up with her. While talking with her my mouth was saying sympathetic stuff but my heart danced in my chest. In the last one and a half years I could think it over a thousand and one times and I always reached the same conclusion: it wouldn't be bad if I lived in a long-distant-relationship. She didn't deflect my attention as much as I could meet her several times because I didn't think of the things I wanted to do with her but on the work I must do at home. Also my fans couldn't reach her easily, but only if I could protect her identity; and if I didn't even meet her photos couldn't be taken of us... This plan was perfect, I only had to confess my feelings for her – but I didn't dare to.

Next week she told me her mother had decided to move to Sweden with Trixie. You can't imagine what I felt then. First of all immeasurable happiness because it would have meant we could meet again, at least when I had a concert in the city she was going to live in. Then I felt that if I was able to meet her again I shouldn't tell her about my feelings via Internet, it would be better face to face. And now I began fearing her from my fans. I absolutely began feeling that I had to protect her, so my happiness turned into apprehension.

Unfortunately I was working in Japan when she moved to my beloved home-country so I couldn't welcome her when she landed in Stockholm. And on that exact day I got a call. I thought she just wanted to tell me she got there safe and sound but it was something else – as she had always had tricks up her sleeve she didn't let me get disappointed this time – she informed me that her widow mother wanted to get married again with a man my Angel hadn't even known before. I agreed that she should have at least told her before because it shocked her that much that I could see something I had never wanted to: Trixie broken down. She cried and I could rarely understand what she was saying but slowly I could figure out what has happened to her. Finally all feelings, all the pain she had broken out of her and I wanted to run there and caress her back but I was too far away from her.

Next day she seemed to had calmed down so I finally could ask her something I had wanted for the last some days:

– Where actually have you moved? – I was concrete and direct, I have learnt it was the best way to talk with her, as she didn't think as difficultly as most women.

– How do you mean? – she asked back. I can remember she looked at me as a puppy that didn't understand what her master wanted to tell her.

– What's the name of the city? – I asked again a bit differently as to make it more understandable for her. – Or is it Stockholm?

– No, it's further – she said. I could see she had known an important piece of information I didn't, but that I should. – It's actually Sundsvall.

My eyes widened automatically. She was going to live in Sundsvall. I was repeating this simple sentence for myself so many times that I nearly forgot its meaning. I was sure it wasn't by chance, it had some meaning. May it have been an answer for my dilemma?

– A.. and have you realized that... – I stuttered from excite. I had a strong chance to meet her and this meeting could happen even in my own flat! – that that is the place where I live?

– Yes – she answered blushing. – But you're never at the right place, you can't help me out when it's needed... See, you didn't stop me when I went on the first date with Ivor and even now you're in Japan. Aish... – she threatened me with her finger playfully. It was the other thing I loved in her: she always made big problems seem banal and soluble.

– I promise I will get home soon. By the way... – _And now: Yohio will ask something important._ My heart began beating faster, I was excited to hear her answer. – Do you believe in chance? That things just happen randomly?

– Why do you ask it? – she asked back again. It was her vice, but it didn't bother me though.

– Just answer, please! – I hustled her. I couldn't imagine what she needed time for.

– No, I don't... – she said finally her head bowed down and she switched the camera off.

I didn't take care of her last act, I just leaned back in my seat and felt... truly happy and peaceful. There was only one important thing: she didn't believe. I didn't believe either. It had to mean... she thought that her random moving to my hometown wasn't by chance, it was our destiny...

This summer was the busiest summer of my life. I was making music, video clips and some acting in Japan that I had a license for so I couldn't go home any time I wanted, and I knew the filming would only end some days before Christmas. But it happens when you accept to play a role in a dorama. Then my Angel told me she would live not very far away from me in Sweden. And two months later... she informed me that even her mother died. This was the exact moment when I couldn't stand it more and after I could get myself up from the ground I asked my father to take care of her. It was interesting for both of them because they hadn't met before and now she was going to live with them until I got home. I had decided to act and make her move to me when I went home. I only had to tell her these.

That day when she moved to my old room she called me – it was 17:30 in Sweden but 00:30 in Japan.

– Hey, man, I can see you being tired – she said instead of welcoming me. It was our habit to begin everything in medias res, the middle.

– No, I'm not – I smiled. I actually was exhausted from work and I have drunk five coffees to stay awake while I was waiting for her call.

– Okay, you know... – she shrugged her shoulders. – I have moved in – she continued and showed the camera the full room. – Has it changed a lot since you live alone?

– No, it hasn't – I replied. – Listen... how do you feel now? – I asked finally. I wanted to get to the point step by step.

– I feel heavenly, I am in a place you used to live before... I even can smell – she breathed a big. – Phew, did you leave your sock in a cheese-soup under the bed? – she asked revolted. She even stood up and went checking it.

– What are you talking about? – I questioned doubtingly. – I've never done it!

– Never mind, I was just pulling your leg – she laughed. – But it is really interesting to see where you lived when I met you. Ah, my room has changed a lot since 2011... – she said wondering. – But this place is friendly, I'd keep it.

– Wouldn't you... I mean... would you mind... when I get home... – I stuttered embarrassed.

– What do you want to say? Huh? – she hustled me.

– When I get home would you mind moving to my flat? – I gabbled finally.

– Wait, are you serious? You've really asked me to move to you? – she laughed as I was only kidding. She didn't understand yet. – It would seem as we were a pair.

– Would you mind it? – I asked after a short pause.

– Of course I wouldn't mind moving to you, it wouldn't be odder than moving to your unknown parents' house for the remaining four months.

– And would... you mint the other one? – I asked without any hope. I just wanted to finish it.

– The other... what? – she widened her eyes.

– Please, don't act as you didn't understand! – I said annoyed. – You exactly know what I am talking about.

– Well... I haven't met you for years but... – she seemed to wonder about it. – But I think I wouldn't mind...

– Really? – I asked excited.

– Ah, what do you think, why did I accept to come here? I could easily go straight back to Hungary I just didn't want to leave you here – she said grumpily. She even turned her back to the camera as to show her huff.

– I love you – I said finally and switched my computer off immediately. I was both tired and confused. Next day I didn't even remember whether my confession was true or just a hallucination until I called her – or she called me, I can't remember, but it doesn't even matter.

– Say it again – she welcomed me waywardly.

– Hi to you as well – I reacted.

– Listen, I can't remember whether I dreamt it or you really said so say it again as to make me sure – she lay down the law.

– Okay, okay, you won – I smiled at her.

– Ah, look at you, once you're as rigid as the freezer and now you show up with your angelic smile. It's not fair! – she laughed at me.

– No, it's too weird to say... I love you – I said when I could see her face becoming sad.

– I... – she smiled at me blushing angelically embarrassed. – I love you too. – Long pause. – And now? – she looked at me curiously.

– You can't imagine how much I want to kiss you now... – I looked into the camera. I was proud of myself for telling her what was on my mind.

– Then come home fast – she laughed cutely. – And bring me something from Japan, huh?

– I will, my Angel – I promised. I didn't know what I would give her but I wanted something memorable. I began thinking about it and I nearly fell down from the chair.

– Hey, you seem to fall asleep, go to bed soon and from now you don't have to call me every day, keep cool, I won't cheat on you – she laughed and I accepted her advice and went to sleep. I have never slept that good ever in my life, neither when I first met her.

During the next four months I was thinking of the best thing I could give her. I even asked my colleagues but they were too... Asian and had no clue about what I wanted. But what did I expect if even I didn't know what I wanted? But on the last day I spent there I finally got the _divine-spark_. I was in a Jewel store because I wanted a new necklace. And then my gaze fell on it. I immediately knew it would be the best gift for the one I haven't seen for ages.

On the plane from Tokyo to Stockholm I tried to sleep but for two hours I couldn't manage on it because I was wondering whether she would like the present I wanted to give her or not. Then at Stockholm I had to wait for a half day because of the heavy snowing. It was a last difficulty from life before I could see her again. I knew she would wait for me at the airport and I felt it was unfair that after years we had to wait finally ten more hours before I could see her again. It made me nervous.

When her face appeared on the horizons – I froze. I couldn't believe I would be able to hug her again just in some moments. I was dreaming of this for years. In my dreams I was finally a man she would desire. In my dreams I was... I know it's wet and too romantic and girlish, but... deep inside my most honest dreams she was my wife. Girlish stuff, right? But my actual thoughts were a bit more adult in most of the time. In my dreams...

_In my dreams her true beauty blinded me as I looked at her. It felt as if I used to live in dark and now I stepped into the light and the colours that vividly danced in front of my eyes wanted to get into my eyes so intensively that I would have needed a pair of sunglasses as to be able to watch them from further. I would have to protect myself from her beauty but I wanted all so avidly that my lust nearly killed me. I didn't want to live through the excitement of waiting for the right time, self-continence and the pleasure of getting known her step by step but I wanted the pleasure of getting everything at one time, suddenly. If she didn't make me stop I'd gotten everything she could give me, not only her shy kisses – that later became passionate._

This was my dream. And now my dream was coming in my direction. My heart beat faster as she came closer and closer to me; but when only a meter separated me from her she stopped. She stopped and when I wanted to take a step into her direction I couldn't. I wanted to hold her hand, to hug her, to kiss her, to... to be able to touch her but I couldn't get myself to get closer to her than a meter.

It was her who broke the silence and advised to go home. We took a taxi and went home. Even in the car I didn't touch her because I didn't dare to. I didn't know what she would let me do with her although we were together for four months and I didn't want to hurt her.

When we got home I thought I would simply go inside and fall on the first thing that I could sleep on but of course my family didn't let me, they wanted me to talk about my job. I was both confused and tired because I wanted to spend some time with my Angel. I couldn't give her my present yet as I wanted it to be a memorable moment. After two hours _ask me, I answer_ we could finally withdraw to my room to talk a bit.

– What was your journey like? – she asked when I closed the door. She seemingly wanted to begin communicating with me as we didn't talk yet.

– Hmm, it was first of all long because I couldn't wait to see you. But do you really want to talk about my journey? – I sat closer to her. She didn't want to sit further – because she was sitting directly near the wall. _Muhaha!_

– No, I'd prefer to... – she came closer to me and bowed her head onto my shoulder. – I couldn't sleep on the airport while waiting for you, so I'm absolutely tired.

– Oh, I see... – I said disappointed. I was hoping she wanted something else but she just wanted to sleep. I could be happy that she didn't send me out. But at least she took the first step and hugged me before I touched her. – Hey, didn't you say you wanted to sleep?

– But I want to – she said while playing herself into sitting position. – But you haven't given me my present, have you? – she laughed at me while grasping my right arm.

– Really, your present... – I stood up and went to the corner of the room where I had left my bags. I opened one of them and took out a small pack. Then I went back to the bed, sat down near her and gave it to her. – Please, don't misunderstand it, it's just something I thought you'd like.

She opened the small box I gave her without a simple word and took out the ring that was inside. I could see surprise on her face.

– Wow, it's beautiful... – she said while wondering it in her palm.

– Do you like it? – I asked and as she nodded I helped her putting it on. It looked wonderful on her tiny hand.

After I told her I liked to see it on her we just looked into each other's eyes smiling silently. Then only a moment later our faces began to approach. My heart beat faster as I took her by waist and she hugged my neck. We closed our eyes and as our lips met I brought her down to the bed. I was truly blissful that I finally got her, that she was mine. I felt I didn't need anything else but her near me. I felt my life fulfilled when I could finally feel the girl I loved in my arms; and I didn't want to let her go away ever.


	10. 7 - Show The Cloven Heart

Chapter Seven: Show The Cloven Heart

**31****st**** May, 2014.**

Today I had the most surprising meeting of my life. No other can exceed it ever.

As I had already written down: Cinnia98 wanted to visit me and I decided that I let her come if she wanted this much and I would talk to her – it could only have been more surprising if Ellie or one of her bitches came but the one that was standing in the door with a great bucket of purple freesias – one of my favourite flowers – was tall and blonde.

– Carina, what are you...? – I asked her.

– It was me – she said still standing there.

– What... wait, I can't stand watching you there, come, sit down, place the flowers into that vase and tell me, what the fuck are you talking about?

– I am Cinna98 – she confessed as she sat down. – I just wanted you to know.

– Girl – I sat up in the bed; I felt dumb as I had to look up at her.

– I felt ashamed that I slapped you and I wanted to make amends.

– I didn't tell you what Vanessa accidentally got to know, I actually denied it and after confessing I didn't go back for a long time. I totally understood and accepted it.

– It just... made me angry that still you acted as if you wanted to deny what whole Europe knew and you seemed to run away.

– I told Kev he should let me go... – I murmured.

– Vannie told me you were in hospital for two days when you came back from Denmark but I couldn't understand why you didn't come later.

– It's a funny story – I began. – Kevin stated Sebbie at me because he wanted to protect me from insane fanatics. He didn't know anything about my paranoia-attack, it was Seb who found me and brought me here then moved to me and kept me locked into the flat while he was at school. Then Kev came back from his tour and for some reasons I had to travel abroad – I continued explaining. – One thing happened after the other and I didn't even have time to think it over. You can imagine how happy I felt when he let me live my more or less normal life again.

– Then you were nearly killed in your normal life – she commented.

– Sadly you're right – I agreed. – I told the boys many times I wanted to take the consequences of my acts but – I shrugged my shoulder. – But you wanted to tell me something important didn't you?

– Me? Oh, really – she said. – Listen, I think Yohio should know about it as well. Could we wait until you go home? – she asked.

– Ah, you tricky girl – I winked laughing. – It haven't been enough for you that you've got drunk with him once now you also want to know where he lives? Shall I lend him for a night as well? – I asked still laughing.

– No, what do you think, I have my Eric for me – she said. – But if Van knows where he lives then why shouldn't I do so?

– You imp – I said and we began talking about more realistic things like how I truly met him and so one. I didn't lie, told her the story about poor Trixie who accepted babysitting for Tommy then signed a contract about playing his son's girlfriend for about six months.

– So you actually don't love him at all? – she gazed at me after hearing the real story.

– I don't even know what I feel – I said. – We nearly made love twice or even more times but still I treat him as if he was my brother.

– And what about the fairytale you told us in the pub?

– It was the story we made up and that I had to write a book about.

– So a book will be published about your fake love? – she asked.

– Exactly – I replied. – We were calling it _Our Fake Story_ for a long time. Imagine if we kept this title – I laughed.

– It wouldn't be obvious at all – she joined.

About ten minutes later the boys arrived and we had to finish talking and chuckling about them: of course Carina did the fangirling I just joined her and laughed on things she said and corrected her whenever it was needed. Yes, those yaoi-fangirls were right who shipped Yohio with Seike and no, they didn't have any sex ever.

– Hi, can you remember me? – Carina asked Kev as she jumped on him.

– Er, hello, Carina – he said breathing hard.

– YOU FUCKING REMEMBER MY NAME! – she said nearly fainting.

– Of course I remember my love's friends name – he grinned and as I was standing yet he took me by waist. I just looked at Car and shrugged my shoulders.

– Kev, can Carina come home with us? – I asked him cutely; I knew he didn't want it.

– Well...

– Pleeeaaase – I hugged his neck and watched him with wet puppy-eyes.

– Ah, you know I can't say no to you – he smiled at me and tried to kiss my lips while hugging my waist.

– No-no-no, we have already discussed this – I whispered into his ears and gave a soft kiss nearly onto his neck.

– You always make me confused – he whispered back to me and hugged me even stronger for a moment.

– I know but _c'est la vie, chéri_ – I winked as I released him.

– Je t'aime, ma belle – he replied in French but I knew he was saying _I love you, my beauty_.

– Rawr – I purred and so he realized I was just kidding; it made him even more confused.

– We should go don't you think so? – Seb asked when he realized what a fucked up fix his friend got into. We all looked at him amazed for a minute then just nodded and left. On the way home we didn't even talk but when we got home and also Luna licked everyone including my blonde classmate it was time to be serious.

– So why did you want to come, Carina? – Kev looked at her as she sat down.

– Because I know something you don't – she replied and began smiling. – Yohio is curious about what I'm saying, what a great feeling – she inserted.

– Car, please – I dug her softly.

– Okay, okay, I've finished fangirling – she promised. – I'm not sure you know about this but there's a fanpage and forum that is the number one YOHIO-fansite in Sweden and I'm, of course, a member of it. Now I don't want to tell you about it but that as soon as the Eurovision Song Contest had finished a new poll was published whether we liked Beatrix being Yohio's girlfriend or not, but it wasn't anonym as the rest, we had to publish our nicknames with our vote. I voted yes, I liked the situation and I was happy that I could strengthen the small camp of the Trixie-fans although many people said untrue and especially villain things about her but after a while that she didn't come to school, and some people even knew this, I began feeling less and less proud of her; I didn't know what had happened to her I just saw she hadn't met anyone for nearly two weeks and, you know, it just didn't make me feel fine. Then that day when the disaster nearly happened a friend of mine wrote me on the forum with whom I hadn't been talking to for a time because of Trix that I chose well when I decided to support her because something terrible was happening in a secret group on facebook that people should have never thought of.

– Let me guess – Seb said. – Conspiracy against her.

– Someone told them she knew which school we frequented and asked everyone who could come to Sundsvall to visit the town and, as she said, take revenge.

– We must get to know who that slut was who found this out.

– We just have to ask your friend to let us use her facebook-account for a while – Kev commented.

– Do you really think they would be this stupid? – I looked at them. – They must have already deleted the group after what happened as not to leave any clues.

– They did so – Carina agreed. – It will be harder than you think.

– We still can challenge the admins of the site – Seb continued thinking.

– They won't confess they will say someone has hacked their account and they couldn't change the poll back into normal and also they thought it wouldn't make any sense – I told them what I thought about the situation.

– But there must be a way that we can ascertain this shit! – Kev yelled angrily.

– Are you trying to play Kalle Blomkvist, huh? – I grinned at him.

– No I just know people aren't like Pippi Longstocking who can take care of herself – he said still nervously.

– And we don't even have to be; imagine if there were more than one and even that wasn't in the book – I touched his hand as to calm him down.

– Sorry but you know I just didn't want to subject you to this and...

– We can go on holiday and don't think about these problems after we've finished with this if that would calm you down – I told him but yet when I finished I knew it was a mistake.

– Where shall we go? – he looked at me with shining eyes and so I palmed my face grinning.

– Dude, discuss about it when we aren't here yet – Seb brought us back to earth.

– I thought we had finished – he said honestly.

– I hope we haven't – Carina replied. – 'Cause if we had finished it would mean we couldn't do anything to the situation.

– Would you please ask your friend whether she remembers the name of the admins of the group or the one she was invited by? – Seb asked her. They were the two who didn't panic but had some ideas about what to do now.

– Give me the WiFi code and wait about ten minutes; she's always online – she said and pushed her phone into my hands.

– Don't you dare ask Kevin himself? I don't know it he just wrote it into my phone and netbook and I was fine – I looked at Car and gave her phone to my flatmate.

– What nice picture of me – he smirked as he finished. – Wanna a photo together?

– OF CO...

– Later – we shouted together with Seb –, now ask her – I continued in a more quiet way.

– O-okay – Carina mumbled and typed something extremely fast. A minute later we could hear his phone beeping. – She asks for videophoning – she showed us the message she got.

– She will get – Kevin stood up and switched his computer on. – Here, log in.

She did so and as soon as it worked she called her friend; meanwhile we went out of the sight of the camera.

– Hello – a fifteen-year-old brow-haired and eyed girl welcomed her.

– Hi – Car replied. – I wanna introduce some people to you. Guys, this is Malin and she adores Yohio, and Malin, let me introduce you to one of my old and two of my new friends, Beatrix, Sebastian and Kevin – she said and we walked near her as to show ourselves.

– JESUS, GIRL, YOU MADE IT BIG! – she screamed and I could see she nearly fell down from her seat.

– Hi, Malin – I said clumsily and waved to the camera; she waved back.

– So we are the ones who want to know who invited you to the facebook-group and who the admins were, but keep this a secret, don't ever tell anyone else we talked – Kev looked into the camera seriously.

– I'm really sorry guys but I don't think I can help, they both used fake Japanese names but I can remember their names were Sakura Himeji and Yoshiko Kirishima, I'm checking them out... oh, crap, both of them have also deleted their accounts; there's no way to find them on facebook ever more, I'm really sorry – she apologized.

– Never mind, you did all you could – Kevin tried to calm her down.

– Will you send me one of your songs when you have a concert in Göteborg?

– I must think it over but there's some chance. Now we have to go, thanks again and bye – he gabbled immediately and hung up.

– Dude, you promised a fan to mention her name on a concert.

– I'm sure there are many YOHIO-fans named Malin living in Göteborg – I said.

– I may send her Break The Border, Revolution or Welcome To The City so ones those aren't either love songs or hating ones.

– Great idea, now feed our friends with something then let them go home – I advised as I looked at them; they both seemed pretty hungry, especially Sebbie.

After eating the pizza we had ordered earlier Car and Seb went home and somehow even Kev didn't haunt me with his love and I felt thankful because of this.

**1****st**** June, 2014.**

When I woke up I felt Kevin embracing me from behind – he must had come during the night when I was enjoying my own bed for the first time for a while.

– Hello – I turned to him when I felt he woke up. – Have you been missing me?

– I was missing you so bad – he tightened his squeeze. – The flat was empty nowadays.

– I can imagine, also the hospital room did so... but do you always need to sleep with me when you need to get charged with love?

– Of course I have to, please, don't dispossess me of this if you don't let me love you in other ways.

– And what do you think why don't I let you? – I asked him curiously. I was interested in his opinion, how he saw this. I knew what I felt but I didn't know how he found all this.

– I don't know; I always do my best to be a man that could make you fall head over heels and it just doesn't work – he said and sat up in the bed. – It hurts me.

– You know I never mean to hurt you – I sat up as well – and also I don't believe there's no escape from the firendzone you're just simply like my brother for me and I can't help it.

– Okay, stop this conversation I don't want to get spiritually injured even more – he got up. – Just let me ask you a last question: can you imagine how much I endure for of you?

– Not whole six months ago I did the same. Falling for people who find their own sex attractive sucks – I finished our talk and after getting up went to make something edible. But of course the during-breakfast conversation was neither better.

– Have the police done something? – I asked him.

– No, as no one called them when the crime happened they couldn't record their data; you have to denounce them as unknown people.

– Uhm... and what's our strategy?

– There's no doubt that you're just a victim of this crime and that they will be either made to pay us or sent to prison but I'm sure that ransom will be able to paid for them. I plan to pay it because it's not their parents' fault what they've done and money isn't problem for me, you know – he winked.

– And why is it good for us?

– First of all we will show our strength, secondly our grace.

– You went insane – I commented.

– I may have done but it's the best we can do as not to make a bad Yohio-image. I must seem strong but gracious, just like...

– A god?

– Yes, the god of European Visual Kei – he laughed and I joined him.

– Egoist dick – I dug him.

– Hysteric whore – he dug me back and we continued laughing; since he saved my life we didn't mind calling each other anything when we knew the other one didn't mean it.

In the afternoon we visited the police station and denounced those who nearly destroyed me. We also told them what we got to know about the facebook-group and that videos were available about Kevin's sentences on YouTube. _Good luck, if Swedish policemen are half as stupid as some in Stieg Larsson's Millennium-trilogy then this case might never get closed._

**2****nd**** June, 2014.**

People treated me as I was the queen of the school and everyone wanted to make friends with me, take photos together and I was invited to everyone's birthday as well. During this rush I also forgot that in two days I would be nineteen. Did someone plan anything for me?

**3****rd**** June, 2014.**

I'm keeping diary for a year now and I can say I would miss it if I didn't do.

Kev still sleeps with me and to be honest I don't mind it because it's said that falling asleep is easier when you have someone beloved near you and I know he needs it; also for me it's easier like this, and his bed is more comfortable than mine...

We had a dance-practice too today but luckily the teacher didn't treat us differently when we did something wrong – and it happened many times as we usually came late.

**4****th**** June, 2014.**

Today was the first time in my life when I didn't have to deal with Hungarists "celebrating" the loss of the two third of Hungary yet 94 years ago in the Great-Trianon Palace, Versailles. Can you imagine that _all_ of your birthday parties begin with a one-minute-long silence-break as a remembrance of the death of the old, big country? People, I totally sympathize with those Hungarians who actually live abroad against their will but none of us can remember the old times as we weren't alive yet... So please, try to accept the situation 'coz _show must go on_, as one of those big ones would say who, actually, had sung a Hungarian folk song in a concert.

Queen Beatrix was stopped a million times in the school until she could get into her classroom – people wished happy birthday to Her Majesty. Inside I found Carina and Vanessa drawing something onto the board.

– Jesus, you came early! – the ginger-haired Vannie ran to me and tried to push me outside.

– No, I don't want to go out there, they are stalkers! – I yelled and so I could stay but only if I turned my back to the blackboard and didn't peek. I used this time to check the girls' Maths homework that I must say was as easy as Hell for me but still they made mistakes. While they dealt with why [(3+2)x5=25] and [3+2x5=13] are different I wanted to draw sexy transformed sinus functions and calculate with them. I simply found it interesting that things like this could be used for many reasons and with using an exponential equation I was able to count the half-life of many chemical elements for example. And although I knew the 90% of people would never ever use this knowledge still I was proud that I more or less knew it. I also could count angles and sides in triangles in at least three ways – the Miss hated when I didn't use that way we have learnt so I always did so. Little rebel...

– Ready, you can turn! – Carina shouted when I was checking the last page of hers.

– Minute – I said and corrected a big mistake before looking at them and when I did so I nearly burst out crying. They decorated the whole board and _Happy Birthday, Princess Trixie!_ was written onto it.

– Girls, you really did it for me? – I asked with teardrops in my eyes.

– No, there's a real princess called Trixie in the school, what did you think, stupid? – Van asked and hugged me. – Happy birthday.

– Thank you, I promise it will be!

– Happy birthday, girl, and dare to listen to your heart – Car took me from Vanessa.

– How do you mean it? – I looked at her not understanding her when she released me.

– You totally know how I mean it – she said and I couldn't force any other words out of her.

Unluckily the teacher wanted to use the board on the first lesson so we had to clean it, but I made a picture of it with the two creators so it didn't get lost.

My last two lessons were PE and we played football. Being a ballgame it brought the beast out of me and when someone happened to let a goal in I shouted their head down from their neck. Never ever play a ballgame with me because I act just a bit softer than in nünüke, and no one wants to get hurt, right?

After lessons Carina took me shopping, because, as she said, _she didn't have any cloth to wear_ when we finally had to show up with the dance and as it happened in this way she promised to buy me something I liked in the shops. Again it was interesting that she didn't take Vanessa with her but I had a slight suspicion that she was somewhere with Seb. Finally I chose a pair of earrings because I didn't want her to spend much money on me. After doing the shopping she walked me home although she had had to go in a totally different direction to get home. This was the moment when the situation became fishy.

– You can't live without seeing him in every four days, do you? – I asked her laughing.

– You caught me – she joined. – But you know he's so damned sexy...

– And so damned impertinent – I continued.

– Oh, what is he doing, huh? – she asked curiously.

– Since I got back from the hospital he sleeps with me for example.

– Oh my, how can you resist temptation?

– What temptation? – I laughed again. – When I look at him I always think of my brother and so there's no temptation at all. I only realize he's not Danny when he treats me as men treat women.

– Sleeping with you is totally from this category.

– I know but he doesn't do anything else just embraces me and to be honest I am used to this habit of his. He has done a hundred times and I would somehow miss if he didn't do.

– Why do I feel like you were in love with him? – she dug me.

– No, it's not true! – I disagreed and took care of not saying it too soon. – Yes, I love him as a person and I love living with him, I love the way he looks like but I have strictly a boss-employee relationship with him. Being friends with your boss isn't a sin but falling for him is. And sometimes I wonder if he doesn't just play his role even when it isn't needed as not to make any mistakes when we have to seem a pair. – _Trixie, also you know it isn't true, that..._

– Then he's a better actor than you are – she commented.

– He could manage on hiding his gender preference for years, he must be a great actor.

– So do you think he just makes himself believe he loves you and it isn't true?

– Something like that – I said and opened the door of our flat. – Do you want to come in?

– Feelings can be controlled – she said as she stepped in. – If they weren't I would have cheated on Eric at least twenty times in the last two years.

– Cheating on men and controllable feelings... – Kevin came to us and hugged me just as every day when I came home nowadays. – Girls, how serious topics you are talking about!

– It's not that, we just...

– Never mind, I know you would never use mind control as not to love me – he winked.

– Who said I loved you? – I asked him grinning and went into the living room where Vanessa and Sebastian were waiting for me.

– Happy birthday, girl – Seb said and gave me some beer; then hugged Vannie's shoulder.

– They're cute aren't they? – Kevin took me by waist.

– Yes, but I won't give you any beer – I said and gave a kiss onto his cheeks.

– Uhm, don't provoke me – he hugged me, then he nodded as he looked at Seb and both of them got up.

– What's going on? – I whispered into Kevin's ears.

– Well, as I can remember your eighteenth birthday wasn't the best one ever so we decided to make the nineteenth awesome! – he said as he walked me to the kitchen where a cake was placed in the middle of the table.

– We wanted to make a bigger party but being Wednesday it wouldn't be a good idea – Seb commented. – But on Saturday everyone's welcomed at our house, my parents' are on a business-trip, I mean they really are on one – he winked when he said it because he knew we had written it into Kevin's book.

– I think now it's time to go, Eric wants to write homework with me – Carina said and left.

– Really, Vannie, how can you stand them having _romantic moments_ with each other? – I asked when Car was already gone.

– It's not difficult, usually Carina goes to Eric since I moved there, but I may not study here in Sundsvall but closer to my home if I can't find accommodation.

– Why shouldn't you do? – Seb looked at her. – You can move to me at any time.

– And what do you think my parents would say?

– You were living with... _him_ as well – I inserted.

– We've known their family since playschool and also my parents thought I lived in his sister's room – she explained. – We only moved to Luleå last year, also my brother began school there but I didn't want to change school for my last year so I stayed here.

– Your mom would be surely happy that you took a girl there and she especially stayed for years – Kevin laughed.

– Of course she would – he said. – She always wanted to have a daughter.

– A daughter-in-law wouldn't be enough? – I joined.

– Hey, we aren't together yet – Van shouted and Seb looked at her surprised.

– I've never meant it like – Seb began but Kevin pushed his hand onto his best friend's mouth. – Hey, man! – he disagreed.

– Deal with the birthday-girl now, okay? – Kev asked instead of explaining why he acted so.

– Really, Trix, happy birthday again! – he said.

– Look at this wonderful cake, I baked it! – Kev said proudly.

– Yohio just _wanted_ to bake but he failed, don't believe him, he nearly burnt his own hair – his best friend commented. – You should never let him make any other food than semi-cooked ones that you just have to heat in the oven!

– Okay, you caught me, I bought it – my flatmate agreed – so it must be edible. Come on, Trixie, we want to eat cake!

– Okay, okay, here you are – I gave them (smaller or bigger) slices.

We didn't talk while eating and not only because _Hungarians don't talk while eating_ but because the cake was yummy and it wasn't awkward silence but intimate silence.

– Ah, how delicious it was! – I caressed my belly.

– Yes, it was – Vanessa agreed. – And, what kind of feeling is to be an adult? – she grinned.

– Ten years and you will know – I replied grinning back. – Will we play something? – I asked the boys hoping for some game.

– Wasn't football enough for you? – Van looked at me begging.

– But Vannie, it's my birthday – I looked at her with wet puppy-eyes.

– And those who have birthday always get what they want – Kevin got up and walked to the dresser that he also opened. – Look what we have!

– Ah, ah, ah – I whined as I could see what was inside. – Who else wants to go to school while suffering from hangover? – I raised my eyebrows mischievously.

– I, I do! – Vannie said and jumped so big that she hit her knees with the table.

– Take care of yourself – Seb told her and caressed her aching leg.

– I hope he isn't just playing with her – I whispered to Kevin.

– No, he takes her seriously he just... wants to play before telling her he likes her.

– And what was that _I've never meant it like that_?

– We were talking about getting married when he said that!

– No, he actually said this when we were talking about being a pair with her.

– You know her, now she plays the usual role of the man so she wants the other and the other one mustn't let himself being able to get easily.

– I'm chucking my mind – I commented what he has just said. – And what will we play?

– Truth or dare, huh? – he asked back.

– Okay, but now don't undress but as we have alcohol we should drink when someone doesn't want to do something and the least drunk is the winner. What do you think?

– Good idea, now bring some beer and vodka – he replied and gave a kiss onto my forehead.

When I went to the kitchen Sebbie and Van were still sitting near the table; I told them to help me with carrying the drinks and soon we four were sitting on the floor in a circle with a bottle in the middle. I was kidding with playing nünüke but as soon as this word left my mouth Kevin shouted a loud _NO!_ so we finally used the whole bottle not just the cap.

– Right, so now no one has to get undressed but those who don't want to answer or dare must drink – I explained and took the small glasses out that I filled with vodka.

– Okay, Trixie begins – Kevin said and asked me to take the question or introduce the quest before spinning.

– Well... – I said. – I will be cute so the first person can choose: you must either lick your elbow or tell me whether you think you are in love or not.

– Ah, no, why me? – Seb asked when the bottle stopped.

– You must choose – I boxed into his shoulder.

– I choose to drink – he gabbled and when I was able to disagree his glass was yet empty.

– Okay, Seb, you turn.

– Hmm... kiss my lips, bitch – he grinned and spun.

– Haha – we laughed because Seb successfully found himself. – Kiss yourself, bitch – I continued and I could see him drinking again.

– You seriously play as to get drunk? – Vanessa asked.

– Of course – he grinned. – I'm not a coward when I'm drunk.

– You turn again – I laughed.

– Okay, now, as to return all what I had to suffer... you who the Great Bottle choose – he lifted it while he was talking about it – must sing The Drunken Sailor.

As soon as he made the bottle move Kevin raised his hand.

– Okay, this only time the bottom plays not the cap – he said and in that very moment the bottle stopped pointing at him, but he was strictly sitting in front of Seb so it was his turn to sing – again.

– Well – he sighed nervously and began to sing the well-known sailor-song. When he finished he took the next question. – Are you a virgin? And please, dear Vanessa, do it for me, I don't dare touch it again.

She did her job and for five seconds the bottle was spinning and it only stopped in front of Sebbie.

– No, it must be a bad joke! Zinced bottle! You who write this story should totally stop messing with me! – he looked at the ceiling.

– Who are you talking to? – I asked when I realized he spoke stupid things.

– To the author of my life – he said incidentally and continued the game. – No, I'm not a Virgin I'm an Aires.

– What a joke, man, what a joke! – Kevin laughed but not on the joke. – Okay, this game soon became a "hazing Sebbie"-game although it usually happens only after half an hour and half litre of vodka per person so we should play something else...

– Ah, you gave me a good idea! – I shouted. – You know Korpiklaani's song Vodka, don't you? The easiest way to get drunk is to drink vodka every single time when you can hear that exact word in the song – I finished proudly.

– But tomorrow you will make breakfast for us – Van said and I nodded.

– I have already informed Carina's parents that you won't sleep at home tonight and as far as I know Sebbie's parents are used to his shorter-or-longer visits here.

– Just as you say – he agreed.

– My room is yours – I looked at them smiling happily.

– Wait, then where will you sleep? – Vannie asked.

– Nowadays I usually reign Kevin's bed, why?

– Ah, and you say you're not a real pair, what a liar! – she threatened me playfully.

– Because we aren't – I replied. – Do you think I would play here with you on my birthday instead of playing with him in the bedroom if we were together?

– I wasn't saying this but, babe, you must do something before falling asleep together!

– Yes, she always asks me to get vanished from her sacred body – Kevin comments.

– No, I actually say _Go to Hell before I call the police and denounce you for sexual harassment!_ every single night but you never do so and my soft heart doesn't let me call the police for sure so you always get away with it.

– Hey, we are here too – Seb waved in front of our face.

– Hello, sorry, we are talking about serious problems – I turned him down.

– What are we actually talking about? – Kevin asked in a bit sarcastic mood.

– That you never listen to what I literally say.

– Sorry, I wasn't paying attention, what did you just say? – he asked and I couldn't do without laughing.

– Man, you won again, I can never make you laugh in a pretended argument. Fuck you hard with a broomstick that you love so much – I continued laughing and soon Seb and Van joined shyly. – I'm sorry, we always do it, just don't listen to us.

– Never mind, at least you seem even more an old married pair – my classmate said and sat a bit further from me because she didn't want to get a big slap onto her thigh (that I was planning to do).

– So, where's the song and the spirit? – Sebbie asked instead.

– Here – I handled him the small glass. – But I will refill fast because only in the beginning we must drink four times. After a while it slides down like water.

– Phew, who drinks water when we have this cutie? – Seb took the bottle out from my hand and caressed its side. – I want to marry you, babe.

– He might have drunk enough... – I said but then he looked up at me totally intellectually.

– I'm Russian no vodka can harm me! – he said and I didn't know whether to believe him or not.

– Also I'm partly German and even so I can get drunk from beer.

– But you aren't Russian – he winked and so we began the game. Three minutes later the song ended and all the four of us were laid out. The word was said exactly 35 times and we had the needed 1,5 litre so everyone had 3,5 decilitre vodka in three short minutes that, I have to say, isn't healthy at all. I can feel lucky that I could remember nearly everything even when I write down all these.

– Would you like to withdraw with me and _play_ something, hm? – Kevin asked mischievously, or at least he thought it was that.

– Ssh, listen to them – I ordered him and so he tried to understand what Sebastian and Vanessa were talking about in the kitchen.

– ...and I don't think it would be good like this – we could hear the boy's voice. – I work, you study far from me... if only you were in Härnösand but Luleå is a bit further than that.

– I know also I have realized it couldn't work that's why I want to be just friends with you.

– What? – he raised his voice for a moment. – You make me fall for you then you throw me away like a used cloth? You enjoy twirling men up around your little finger and then turning them down like this, don't you?

– No, I didn't mean it like that...

– And I fool wanted to ask you to move to me if your family accepted this option. – He seemed to finish.

– Just like you and me, aren't they? – I asked Kevin whispering.

– Totally – he agreed. – But I'm tired and also you have to make breakfast tomorrow.

– Were there any days when you couldn't eat anything that I made? – I asked him again and as I didn't get any answer we went to sleep – together. He fell asleep as soon as he lay into the bed but I was awake for half an hour and I could hear Sebbie and Vannie falling into my bed – together. _So also they have_ friendship with benefits _from now on._

**5****th**** June, 2014.**

– Good morning – I turned to Kevin although I knew he was asleep and first time in the last one month I couldn't resist temptation and gave a soft kiss onto his lips. It felt for a moment like he kissed me back but I was sure he was totally asleep. I didn't suffer from hangover, I had never done, but once, and I was sure the children would need some painkillers and gastric sedatives not only food and the energy it gave; but I knew they couldn't eat without taking the medicine.

I took a glass of water and the two pills that I carried into Kevin's room. After finishing there I took a tray, two glasses of water, the medicines and a piece of paper wishing good morning then I screw up my courage and knocked on the door of my room.

– Guys, it's time to get up, _your second home, the school_ waits for you! – I said but I was sure it wouldn't conjure them awake so I just went inside; luckily Seb and Vannie had the blanket on themselves because somehow I was sure they were naked under it. For a moment I hesitated whether to wake them up or not but I knew it was a crap feeling when you lay in the arms of the love of your life (and now I want to point out that Kevin definitely isn't that for me) and someone woke you up and like this your first thought in the morning wasn't _good morning, my precious_ but _aw, you gay, let me sleep_ and I didn't want them experience this.

Then I made some breakfast that the children could eat when they finally got up but Luna was the only one that was interested in eating and ran to me happily because Daddy hadn't fed her yesterday so I petted her that I always did in the morning, gave her some breakfast and we could eat together.

– Morning – opened the door and Kevin came out. – Why are you still here?

– Hello, man, you woke up too early, our friends are still asleep – I informed him.

– They must have enjoyed the night – he yawned and sat down near me as to eat something.

– You didn't hear them yesterday; they made me realize that if I stayed here you would need a new bed into that room.

– Why, would you like a double-bed that you could share with me? – he asked smirking.

– No but a one that doesn't creaks – I ruined his mood.

– Do you think they...? – he looked at me surprised.

– Uhm – I said satisfied. – When I went in they totally looked like that.

– I hope they won't ask us to be godparents in nine months.

– Haha, who else should they ask? – I laughed loudly. – Calm down, she always has rubber with her.

– And we can't be sure if his body was usable from that amount of alcohol he have had.

– As I can remember you could have done it after drinking even more alcohol – I winked.

– It isn't the same...

– But it is.

– Do you always have to have the last word in debates?

– Of course – I boxed into his shoulder. – Listen, let them sleep and tell them where they can find food but I must go now I don't want to skip any more days of school.

– Shouldn't I take you? – he asked and when I looked at the clock I acknowledged I would need his help so I accepted his offer.

Getting to the building I went to I noticed that every gaze fell on us and when I got out of the car and wanted to go away my phone began to ring so I went back to the car and asked what he wanted.

– Would you leave without giving me a kiss? – he pulled down the window and asked sexily and so I realized I had to act as if I loved him.

– Of course not, I just got used to buses you know – I moved my head closer to his one and gave a small kiss onto his lips.

– You won't get away with that – he said and grabbing at my shoulders we started a longer and really passionate DNA-exchange.

– You're fucking dead – I whispered and gave another kiss to him. He grinned at me and after sending me a kiss in the air he stepped on the accelerator and went away.

– Hi, where did you leave Vannie? – Carina ran to me.

– She's where and with whom you have left her – I winked and so she immediately knew what happened.

– I hope they didn't leave a big mess in your room – she said much more quietly.

– I went inside in the morning but they were so cute that I couldn't force myself waking them up but left some food in the fridge instead.

– Next time also Eric and I will join – she laughed.

– Hm, you wish for a sweet six, eh? – I joined her. – Okay, okay, next time they can use Kevin's room and you two mine so him and I must sleep on the couch.

– No, I don't want you to get out of your comfort-zone...

– It wouldn't be a big problem for me but maybe for him – I smiled and in that very moment we got into the classroom.

– I was just kidding – she said. – But now sit down... and somehow we also should explain why she isn't here.

– She wasn't feeling well in the morning – I advised. – And I'm sure she won't when she wakes up, we have drunk much yesterday.

– Jeez, what did you do?

– First drinking Truth or dare but it was such a monotonous game that we decided to get drunk in three minutes – I chuckled.

– Hangover? And how did you do so?

– Not at all – I replied. – And we drank vodka every time the word was said in the Korpiklaani song.

– Jesus, and how did you get into the bed?

– Difficultly – I laughed. – Imagine when I heard them talking about their relationship.

– Did he finally accept her love? – she asked curiously.

– It was more interesting – I said. – Ah, damn it, I hate being gossipy but nah. You know that after she broke up with Patrick she decided to move to Luleå next year so she told him to be just friends but yet Seb had fallen for her. Difficult, hah?

– I hope they can find a solution – she said and as the teacher came in we had to shut up.

We didn't have time (and also forgot) to talk about it until our last lesson finished.

– So what actually happened yesterday? – she asked me while we were going home.

– Sebastian told Vanessa he loved her but she wanted to be only friends with him because she didn't want a long-distant relationship with him. That's all.

– That fool shouldn't have told him that.

– That fool should have accepted his offer and move to him – I murmured and so Car looked at me surprised.

– What did you just say?

– Sebbie offered Van to move to him – I replied the statement.

– Jesus, she made it big and now she throws the opportunity away like a used cloth!

– He said just the same yesterday...

– I will talk to her as soon as possible – she said desperately.

– Hey, don't you dare talk to her about this topic! They don't know we know about it and it should stay like this. If she talks about it herself then you can tell her your opinion but don't come up with the topic, please!

– Okay, okay, you won! In this case it's no use for me in going with you. Bye – she gave me three kisses just as normally and left.

Getting home I found them in the living room; Seb sat in the armchair and Van on the sofa but as I sat near her I felt it was warm. _So he has just left. Haha, I caught you!_

– Was the breakfast delicious? – I asked them ironically.

– You mean the lunch? – Sebastian asked back. – Hey, don't be grumpy – he said when he saw my face that wasn't blissful at all.

– Yes; and thank you – Vanessa continued; then a one-minute-long silence-break came.

– Guys, you don't have to pretend anything, I saw you sleeping in the morning.

– Did you? – they asked at the same time.

– How did you think the medicine had got there? Children, you drive me mad.

They didn't reply anything just sat there silently.

– Hey, I'd be the happiest if you were together – I smiled at them. – Or no, let me put my statement right: I'd be the saddest if you weren't.

– Any why do you want it so much? – Seb asked me.

– You're my friends and I don't want you to suffer...

– Like you do? – Vannie looked at me apprehensively.

– I will go back to Hungary and start a new life when I'm finished here. I can't stand this work; I have to play something that isn't true at all and mislead everyone.

– Especially yourself – my classmate continued.

– And what will you do there? – the more practical thinker Sebastian asked.

– I've been studying my old Hungarian subjects for months now and I will take final exams in October. Then I may stay at my grandmother's house and try to find a work or go to some university.

– What would you study? – he asked again.

– Maybe English or Swedish. – I smiled at my plan. _Both would remind me to you._

– Don't you wanna come back instead and study here?

– I couldn't afford it.

– Who said you had to pay for your living? Yohio must have enough money for that and as soon as you finish you can work for him.

– I'm not an IT-genius as some people; you already have director and make-up artist, even female singers, and everything; I'm not useful.

– You wrote a book for Yohio – he reminded me. – You're a word-wizard.

– You mean witch.

– It doesn't matter now, girl, study some marketing and stay – he finished.

– Ah – I sighed as and acceptation that his idea was more logical than mine. – But you can't make me stay when talking about final exams.

– It doesn't matter whether you go there or not but come back to us, stupid – Vanessa said what Seb meant with all these.

– I'm not sure if I can stand Kevin running after me like a puppy any more. I mean it's not a blissful feeling when someone hunts you with his love and you know you can't return it – I explained why I didn't want to come back although I had already decided to do so.

– Don't you dare run away from your problems – Vanessa hit my back so strongly that I nearly fell onto the floor.

– I'm not running away! I just try to use my opportunities well.

– As to escape – Sebastian finished my thoughts loudly. – Listen, I don't want to lose a friend like you and I'm sure that also Kevin doesn't want even if you're just friends.

– He doesn't treat me as a friend at any time he always tries to do something people only do with those they love and it's fast! Even if there were some chance in loving him for me... He acts fast and waywardly and I can't handle it! All I needed is time but we have none of it!

In this very moment a chain of sentences got into my mind from _Our Fake Story_. It was nearly the only part that he wrote and not I did.

_"__...her true beauty blinded me as I looked at her. It felt as if I used to live in dark and now I stepped into the light and the colours that vividly danced in front of my eyes wanted to get into my eyes so intensively that I would have needed a pair of sunglasses as to be able to watch them from further. I would have to protect myself from her beauty but I wanted all so avidly that my lust nearly killed me. I didn't want to live through the excitement of waiting for the right time, self-continence and the pleasure of getting known her step by step but I wanted the pleasure of getting everything at one time, suddenly.[...]"_

_So that was what he really felt but he wasn't able to tell me for some reasons – so he informed me like this. As soon as he finishes his game called "fooling with Trixie" I will congratulate him for being this tricky._

– Trix, what are you thinking about this hard? – I could see Vannie's hand in front of my eyes. I must have looked awful because when I looked at them surprised, first Van then Seb, they seemed pretty relieved.

– Ah, I thought of nothing, I have just bought this ability in the town – I winked at the gamer of the company; his smile grow great.

– Okay, she seems to be fine – he commented his grin.

– But why did you say you didn't have time? – Vanessa asked. – You've just promised to come back.

– Either I come back or not I won't fall for him until he's my boss. It's a devilish motion: being here with him when I could get to known him more he's my boss; being home where I can't get in touch with him he isn't.

– Girl, your job is to play his girlfriend, it won't be annoying if you really fall for him – Sebbie tried to calm my nerves down.

– Still he acts like what he acts like and it's hard to inform him that he's too much in a way that doesn't harm his sensitive feelings – I placed my face into my palms.

I couldn't see it but I was sure that they had a silent debate before Vanessa offered their help and Sebastian went phoning.

– Get your stuff together, you're moving to me until the end of the week – he came back.

When we got home Sebbie's mother was _over the Moon_ to see me – this much...

– Oh my God, Son, you brought a girl home after four years; you can't imagine how proud I am! – she fell into his arms nearly crying. _What?_

– Er, Mom, you've misunderstood, it's Yohi... – he tried to explain.

– Jesus, is it him again? – she asked hopelessly.

– No, that's what I wanted to say. She's his girlfriend – he said finally, stressing the last word, and it made the situation even weirder than it was.

– His girlfriend? What have I done that I deserve this? – she asked looking at the ceiling and when she left into a direction I thought she withdrew as not to take notice of me ever more but no: she stopped at the corner, crouched, then fell into deep depression right there in front of our eyes. _Yay, so his mother will _adore_ me._

– Don't notice these acts of hers, she loved my ex and she wants me to have a girl like her again – he whispered to me as he directed me to the upstairs. – This way.

– And what was that half sentence about Kevin? – I asked curiously.

– Well, come in first – he said as he pointed at a door behind him.

– Okay... – I replied and when I went in I immediately knew it was his empire. – I hope you've hidden all porn... waaaaiiiiiit, what's this? – I lifted a newspaper that slid under my feet as soon as I took one step further from the door.

– No, give it back! – he yelled and literally jumped on me.

– Hm, I was hoping that you wanted to share the sight of sexy boobs with me if you invited me here but okay, here you are – I gave it up and gave him his magazine. – Then tell me what you couldn't out there.

– Sit down somewhere you can't fall down from – he said; I followed his order. – It happened when we were twelve and he began using make-up. Yohio came to our house, I can't remember, why, it was a long time ago and he accidentally met my mother. This conversation passed off between her and me: Mom: _Sebastian, you've just taken a girl home, you can't imagine how proud mother I am! Would you please introduce her to me?_ I: _Mom, he's Yohio, you know, my best friend._ Mom: _Lord, what have I sinned that I deserve this?_ Then she visited the same corner and began growing mushrooms.

When he said the words _growing mushrooms_ I couldn't stand without laughing. It was way too funny – at least I knew how he became who he was – with a mother frivolous like this it would be more interesting if he was serious.

– Wouldn't we have to be at dance now? – he asked incidentally after I scanned his room.

– Yeah, really, it's high time we went there – I said and both of us stood up.

– I'll show you around later – he said as we left the house.

Of course we got to the rehearsal late (and we were scolded for this) and when we had ten free minutes I asked him whether he wanted me to switch pairs with Vanessa or not but he said it would be good like this, that he didn't know if he wanted to have a life-long memory with her when he wasn't sure they would be together one, two, three, ten years later and I totally understood him. First in my life I felt I wasn't sure it was a good idea to accept this job because I was sure my children would blame me for not staying with him even if they knew it was just a job for me. _Thank you Sebastian, thank you..._

After rehearsal we went home and I could move into the guestroom but I spent the least available time there; Seb and I were working on the pre-works of the party held on the day after tomorrow.

– Lord, a pool? – I widened my eyes when we went to the garden.

– Yes, may it be a problem? – he looked at me apprehensively. – Can't you swim or so? In this case you should ask Kevin to teach you.

– Nope, I can swim I just... – I didn't want to share my feminine problems with him, that I actually would have been menstruating that day so I... _Shit..._

– Never mind if you didn't bring swimsuit with you and you don't want to go home for that, I'm sure that one of the girls will happily lend you one if you wish to – he said.

– No but I have just realized that I don't really have swimsuit. Er, I know you'll hate me for asking this but would you please come and buy one with me?

– Why do I feel like I don't know what I undertake? – he asked mainly from himself and I knew he meant it as _Yes, I'll go with you and try to be patient._

His mother left to Stockholm in the evening.

**6****th**** June, 2014.**

Today after school we got our sunglasses on us and went to every existing shop nearby until I could find the perfect (black) bikini with such fake _folkloric Hungarian_ embroidery that was so fashionable among celebrities in the last two or three years. When my gaze fell on it I didn't care about the price ever more but I wanted those exact pieces of clothing.

– Can you imagine? – I asked him while we went for having a beer. – I found this piece of shit more than one and a half thousand kilometres further from my home country.

– It's still closer than the US is, don't you think so? – he asked back.

– You may be right – I agreed and soon we got into my favourite pub.

– Look who's here – Seb dug me as soon as we stepped in and pointed at the bar. It was Kev.

– Lord, what is he doing here? – I looked at Sebastian and as he looked at me like saying _Go and speak with him!_ I sat near him. – Er, hello – I welcomed him.

– Is it you, my friendest best? – he asked while he tried to hug me and I could feel on his breath that he has already seen the bottom of the glass several times today.

– It would be me but only if you didn't kill me – I replied in his strong clutch. – For how long have you been here? – I asked when he finally released me. – And how much did you drink of what? – I finished my question-series.

– I came just an hour ago and drank five beers, two whiskeys and... would you like some? – he pointed at the glass of deep blue liquid in front of him. – It's absinthe.

– Nope, thanks, also you shouldn't drink it – I said.

– I don't care what you say, I will do if you don't – he raised his gaze on me (he looked horrendously) and as he held the glass I knew he really meant it.

– Give it to me – I grabbed at it and the whole content of the glass ended up in my mouth. For a short moment I looked at him then I got up and ran to the restroom as to spit it. I felt like sweating for a second before I went back to him. _Why did he do so?_

– You, now come with me – I looked in his eyes seriously and somehow now I didn't have to tell him anything else as to make him obey. He stood up and came to the darkest corner with me. – Sit down and tell me what the Hell did you think when you came here as to get drunk publically. You, the anti-alcoholic musician – I added sarcastically as to make the situation even more absurd; for him as well.

– I thought you had left me – he confessed without beating about the bush and it made me surprised.

– How could you think so? – I looked at him. – You know about our... agreement – I corrected myself before I would say _contract_. – I wouldn't leave you. – I caressed his face softly but silently added: _Not_ _yet_.

– Dude, sorry for that I haven't told you but she moved to me for some days – Sebastian opened his mouth after listening to our melodrama that he must had got fed up with.

– So she will come back to me? – he looked at his best friend begging.

– Trixie, I want to talk with him about something... – _Me._ – Would you please bring for you and me some beer? – Seb asked me and I knew I had to get lost for some minutes. I bought two beers (they still asked for my ID although black hair made my face even more adult) and when I gave one of them to Sebbie (they immediately got silent as I got there) and put mine down I told them I had to visit the restroom again although I didn't feel so. There I put my make-up right and spent ten minutes photographing myself as to leave them enough time. When I went back they both looked better.

– First I must tell you I didn't know he was here it just eased the situation that I wanted to talk with him – my dance-partner told me; then he let Kevin speak.

– My best friend opened up my eyes – he began – and I have decided to slow down with you. Can you forgive me for being so headstrong?

– I can forgive you everything, silly, how couldn't I forgive you? – I asked and whispered into his ears: _Bro._

I knew this small word made him a little bit sad but also I knew he needed to be under control about his feelings or he might become impertinent.

We left nearly as suddenly as we appeared: after both Seb and I finished our beer we decided to go home; Kevin, who was more sober but still a disaster then, also left.

At home we finished the pre-works for the party and did all the homework – Seb helped me with Swedish again and I did nearly all of his Maths.

– Don't keep saying it's difficult, I had to learn trigonometry in my last two years and I didn't find it hard. You'd know it if you paid a little bit more attention – I hit his head friendly with his exercise-book. – Really, I have to practice that too...

– Girl, you're not having fun time with me, eh? You used to enjoy it so much yesterday. What happened? Ha? – he dug me.

– Nothing – I said as I finished writing down the equation I wanted to work with.

– You know – he leaned back in his seat. – Is it a problem if I switch some music?

– Uh-uhm – I shook my head and began working with my cutie. I liked Mathematics because it was an honest, logical and outright subject and you couldn't misunderstand anything written down in the language of Maths. 1+1 was always 2 and never 3 – but only when we were talking about feelingless numbers and not people! ;) I think I liked exaction the best in it, it was something that time or politics could never change.

But there was only one problem: I have already done ten examples and all were perfect; still I felt I had to do something and I was frustrated because of this. I had a slight suspicion what my problem was but I couldn't prove my state until I thought of it stronger. _Kevin..._

– Sebastian, come running with me – I looked up at him from the floor where I have been wondering. He gifted me with a surprised face – just as first when I asked something weird from him.

– Wait, are you mad? It's nine in the evening, the sun has already set!

– Haven't you ever run under the starry sky? – I asked him and went to my temporary room as to change clothes. I knew he didn't really want to do sports but also that being a man he didn't want me to go alone in the night.

– How did this insane idea slip into your tiny mind? – he asked me when we got to the closest corner. We didn't run fast but I could see he wasn't very athletic; he wanted to go faster that wouldn't let him work the longest available.

– At home I usually went cycling or running in the evening as to keep fit but I couldn't have done for a while so I thought I would need some sport – I smiled at him running backwards.

– You should turn or you may hit someone – he smiled back at me a bit sarcastically and I finally went near and didn't run in front of him.

After five minutes we didn't talk much but we kept the most energy we could as to be able to run further. I sprinted the last hundred metres that he didn't do and so I had to wait for him.

– Jesus, how long did we run? – he panted as we got home.

– Based on the time and the speed... four kilometres I guess – I informed him.

– You've killed me – he said last and as he nearly fainted I had to take him in.

I carried him up to his room and lay him on his bed.

– You're light – I said as his butt reached down. He tried to reply me but it was all just gibberish that came out of his mouth. – Stay here, I'll bring some water and sugar.

I was sure his blood-sugar had decreased that I had to make up for it so I made some lemonade full of sugar. He accepted happily.

– Never again will I go with you – he panted and I knew I had to withdraw right now.

While he suffered in his room I had a shower and tried to erase my bad thoughts about Kevin but it didn't help – so I decided to go to sleep. I hoped it would work...

– Sebastian – I knocked on his door half an hour later.

– Huh? – he asked drowsily so I went in.

– Listen... could I sleep here?

– What? NO! – he sat up totally awake.

– But...

– What did you do when Yoh wasn't at home? Huh? – he looked at me surprised.

– Luna was there...

– Oh my, come, let me hug you and then have a wonderful sleep – he stood up and after hugging me he gave a kiss onto my forehead. – Good night, shall nightmares avoid you.

– Thank you – I replied.

**7****th**** June, 2014.**

P-pa-ppa-party tonight!

Sebbie invited all his friends so there were some people that I didn't know although I was introduced to most of them. Of course I couldn't remember their names but who cared after that amount of alcohol we had?

Pizza was all we could eat because we locked the kitchen as not to let anyone steal food from the fridge. Sebastian decided to stay sober because someone had to save people's lives if they decided to get drown in the pool. Actually also I promised to serve but... when I sighed Kevin I told Seb I was sorry while I gave him my key and I drank about two decilitres of vodka with three big gulps, then some beer as to make alcohol work. Everyone knows that you get drunk easier if you drink something strong first and then comes something lighter. From then I felt freer than before and I could say hello to him. I don't know what caused this behaviour of mine; maybe that I saw him drunk yesterday and I felt bad because of that?

– Hello, it had been long ago, ha? – he hugged me.

– Now I'm drunk and you're not – I welcomed him too and gave him three kisses on his cheeks. He was surprised but also happy that I was drunk because: One – _drunk person – honest person_, and no one else knows it as much as he does so; and Two – I was sometimes a bad bitch when being drunk.

– Listen, could we... – he began but I pushed my finger onto his mouth.

– Sh, no, I don't want to talk with you or forget anything. I'll try to enjoy this party and you shall mind your own business – I winked and left him.

– Trix – I saw Vannie coming to me. – I accidentally heard you talking and I must say you were rude. I'm sure he just wanted to have a nice chat with you.

– But I don't want to talk to him, if the sight of him made this with me what do you think his velvety voice would do?

– You don't want to break, huh? – she caressed my back.

– I always stand out for my opinion and my opinion is that I'm not allowed to fall for him.

_But now it's too late..._

– Do you think he knows it?

– I hope he does but I don't think so...

– Then have a confidence-giving Jäger and come on! – she gave it into my hands and after I drank it up (it wasn't much) she took my glass and thrust me to Kevin's direction.

– Hi again – I said as I struck his chest with my palms.

– Ah, would you like to talk with me? – he looked at me sarcastically.

– Imagine, also I can change my mind – I replied in the same way.

– Say it.

– Over there – I pointed with my head at the end of the garden where there were no one. He nodded and we didn't even talk until we got there.

– Listen, I don't know what happened to me yesterday, normally I would never go to a pub as to get drunk. Never ever.

– I don't want to talk about it; I mean directly but more about our relationship.

– Hm, it sounds interesting – he folded his arms.

– Please, stop talking to me in this manner that you use with strangers and people who depend on you because actually you depend on me – I instructed him.

– Don't tell me what I can do you're not my mother – he talked back.

– Still you might get a whack if you continue – I said and as I could see he realized that I meant it and closed his mouth. – I just wanted to say thanks for what you told me there but...

– But?

– But I don't feel like being able to return your feelings let you try slowly or fast because I would never ever fall for my boss that you are.

– So it was that? You're not lesbian or anything you just want to stay in a boss-employee relationship with me? – he looked at me surprised. – You're an awesome actress.

– Yes, mostly. But also your fast actions annoy, moreover scare me. You know, as I don't want it it's sometimes weird what you do and I just... sometimes want to escape but every time you're not with me and I think of you I feel something's missing and it makes me crazy.

– Silly – he stretched his hands out as to hug me but he pulled one of them back and just caressed my face. As soon as his skin touched mine I grabbed at his hand and pulled him close to me because I wanted to feel his body's warmth that I couldn't do for a while.

– I wouldn't say it is love but I'm totally sure that I'm somehow addicted to you and I cannot live my life without getting into physical connection with you for a longer time.

– Sh, it's your party, you cannot cry right now... listen, I wrote you a song, would you like to hear it? – he wiped the teardrops down from my face and gave me a kiss onto my forehead.

– Shall I? – I looked up at him.

– Yes, but listening to it is only allowed to happy girls and forbidden for crying babies – he winked and I had to force a smile onto my face.

He smiled at me once more before he held my hand and took me near the tables where I could sit down and asked Vanessa – Sebastian had to look after the people near the pool – to bring his guitar. She happily ran inside and after a minute she returned with Kevin's holy musical instrument. Rapidly he tuned it in and asked everyone to listen to him for some short minutes.

– Well, I've already written this song months ago, Trixie, you've even heard something from it; and although we've already had a party together I want to give this present of mine to you now. Honestly, I will sing now. – _Or did he just say "honestly I will sing now"? He never used the word _honest_ as an expletive only if he meant it._ – The title is "Memories".

And he began playing the guitar and sing. It was pretty emotional and interestingly the lyrics fitted both OFS and reality.

_Memories_

_Well, Birthday Girl, it's your party_

_Everyone came here to see you_

_But for a moment please, let me_

_In some words, say what we went through:_

_Those days I usually woke up depressed_

_This feeling didn't change even for a moment_

_Then one day I saw you, you came so near_

_That I felt like my heart stopped when you looked at me_

_Of course I hurt you with how I acted_

_I always made you fear me and way too worried._

_I know saying sorry isn't enough_

_But I still ask you to accept my frantic cries_

_Those sound like:_

_I've been waiting for you so long -_

_And I still don't know how to act_

_When you appear on the scenes, oh,_

_My heart's beating so fast._

_I don't know what this witch_

_Actually did with me_

_But I know that I couldn't_

_Forget her -_

_Even if I wanted._

– Stupid, where did you leave rhymes? – I asked nearly crying (again) in the silence after he finished the song.

– They are in another song, for you now I wrote this – he smiled at me but this time with such a childish smile that I wanted to go to him and kiss him. Acting sexy definitely didn't fit him but childish innocence did so.

– Thank you – I said and I just hugged him as he put the guitar down. – No one has ever written such song for me – I whispered into his ears.

– Believe me you will get even more beautiful ones just stay my precious only a little bit longer – he whispered back as he began caressing my back and head. – One more month isn't enough from you; I simply can't get filled in with you ever.

– I can't say it for sure but I will probably do this favour to you – I said and bowed my head onto his shoulder.

– I love you – he said and I could hear he was crying silently as he pressed his face into my hair. This was the first time when he told me this totally by himself. – I don't care if you don't accept my feelings but let that secret flame live, please.

– Everyone's watching us – I informed him but he pressed his face even deeper into my hair.

– Also I didn't plan to fall in love with you but as this is the case now I don't want to lose you, not ever – he continued expounding his thoughts in words not even listening to what I was saying to him. – All I want is to make you a part of me now so you couldn't ever leave.

– That's not a good idea – I said a bit hesitating and with this sentence of mine I pulled him back to reality. As I looked around I realized that no one was interested in us yet.

– Again? – he looked at me embittered.

– It happens in every four weeks I really don't know why it surprises you... – I said as I looked into his red eyes. Something began moving in me.

– I want you – he expressed my feelings in three words.

– If only I could give you what you wish... – I caressed his face.

– I just wanted you to know – he said and took a step further from me.

– What...? – I asked when I felt colder than usually.

– I've promised to slow down but I'm not sure I can keep it when you're so close to me – he said apologizing and gave a kiss onto my hand.

– Would you like a more or less normal date? – I asked suddenly.

– I'd prefer just get back my normal life where both of us had time for the other one and we could talk. But what I miss the most are the good sleeps together.

– Hold on, I'm going home tomorrow. Until then have a beer and splash with me – I winked and took my jeans and T-shirt off.

– I haven't seen you like this for a while – he took me by waist instinctively as he sighted me in bikini.

– No, you've never seen me in swimsuit – I poked him and jumped into the water. Soon also he took his clothes down and followed me.

– I've already told you not to be so sexy, haven't I? – he swam to me and embraced me with his cold, wet body. – Cold water hasn't helped much I'm still horny – he whispered.

– Do you think the best idea to fight against it is to hug me?

– No, it's the best way to hide it – he said and as I began feeling his hard penis and looked away from his eyes I also felt my heart beating fast – just as his one did.

– I – we began at the same time when we looked at each other again and as we realized that the other one wanted to talk as well we both blushed.

– First you – he said.

– I wanted to apologize for how I acted, I mean I didn't care about your feelings just wanted to live my own life from which you were totally locked out. I know it's impossible because we know each other, and as soon as our hormones decide to calm down we can be friends. What did you want to say? – I asked.

– That I didn't want to be just friends with you because I knew it wasn't just a game of hormones. – He was still hugging me and as he began speaking again his lips nearly touched mines. It drove me mad.

– Are you planning to kill me? – I asked silently nearly speaking into his mouth and when I felt he moved his head a bit closer to mine I couldn't stand it more and kissed him as I hugged his neck. First he was surprised but soon he joined and so our kisses became more and more passionate. – We should... at least... go inside... – I panted two words between every two kisses.

– How can I be sure that you won't tell me to stop if we go out from here? – he asked in the same way.

– Make a try and we will know; I personally long for you even more when we stop for a moment – I kissed him again and I felt as he lifted me and put my body down on the edge of the pool. Then he came out too and although I was standing yet he took me in his arms again and as we passed near Sebbie he handled me the key of my room while he winked.


	11. 8 - Heavenly Hell

Chapter Eight: Heavenly Hell

**8****th**** June, 2014.**

Nope, we didn't do anything you've thought of, no sex (although _good pirate is pirate on the Red Sea as well_ and _good soldier also fights in blood_), no sucking or any hand job although as soon as we got in and I locked the room from inside he (yet NAKEDLY!) asked me to be quiet and accept everything he wanted. But as the party itself began at eight and he couldn't really sleep in the last some days he said he just wanted to feel me close to himself and he silently enjoyed that I lay near him and we fell asleep in each other's arms. Romantic, eh? He didn't caress my body anywhere, he didn't even give me a goodnight kiss, because, as he said, he didn't want to break his own rules.

He was yet awake when I woke up and he was actually caressing my head that lay in his laps; luckily he wore some clothes.

– How are you? – he asked smiling nearly fatherly.

– Uhm, not so fine, I was made horny yesterday but no one satisfied me – I replied killing the friendly atmosphere between us. Now we were man and woman, not anything else.

– That one couldn't satisfy you – he continued caressing me.

– I know, I know, you don't have to remind me to this hated situation...

– Wait until next week and I will show you what I can do... – he smirked and lifted my head with his hands as to be able to kiss my lips.

– No, thanks, that would be more than a normal boss-employee relationship.

– And what we usually do in bed isn't that? – he asked again in that way he spoke to me yesterday. That could drive me mad.

– No because it has a good influence on my sleeping habits as well.

– _That_ would also be good for you – he tried to flirt with me.

– I've already told you about that I don't want to... – I disagreed.

– I would make you scream my name and never again would you remember for that case.

– Wow, how self-confident someone is! – I sat up.

– Of course I am, I'm a sex-god! – he let out a small laughter.

– When we have known each other only for a day you told me you were a virgin.

– How do you know I didn't fuck anyone while I was away? – he raised his eyebrows mischievously.

– You didn't even fuck me. – I got a surprised face as an answer that asked _How does it come here?_ so I continued explaining. – I mean, I know you, you wouldn't do it easily, you didn't even do with your two men or me how could you do it with a stranger? It wouldn't be you.

– Ah, you see deep inside me, how do you actually do that?

– I'm a genius, bitch – I winked and got up.

– Wait, what are you doing? – he grabbed at my wrist and pulled me back.

– I want to get dressed – I informed him and saved my hand from his tight grasp; then I got my clothes and went to the bathroom to change clothes. When I went back yet the door was open and Kevin was nowhere.

– Hi, anyone here? – I asked as I went down the steps.

– Kitchen – I could hear Sebbie's voice and so I went where he had told me to.

– Hi, good morning – I greeted them and sat down near Kevin.

– I'm asking you too, Trixie, did you enjoy last night? – Sebbie asked curiously.

– Oh, it was awesome, especially when we did it for the third time, ah, man, you should have felt that pleasure – I winked at him.

– I heard you had _that_ so Yoh couldn't make the cock fly in – he smirked and so all the three of us began to chuckle.

– Right, something like that – I said bowing my head down and I began drawing circles onto the floor with my feet.

– Okay, I think we could talk about something else, I mean, would you like some cheese? – he changed the topic.

– Sure – I said and ate in silence while they were taking about video-games.

Half an hour later we finished (as meanwhile I got to know only Vannie, Kevin and I stayed until morning but my friend had already gone) and I finally could move home. To be honest it was weird to be there again after what we've just done last night with Kev. Luna of course licked me around as soon as I stepped in and we took her to a walk together. He was kind and didn't try to kiss me on the whole way just held my hand as to show the world: _Yes, we're a happy pair, those who say we aren't just lie;_ and we were mostly talking about ordinary things like _we must go shopping tomorrow if we don't want to run out of toilet-paper_ and so one.

**9****th**** June, 2014.**

I went to school today and some people asked whether I enjoyed the party cause they've seen the video of the new YOHIO-song on YouTube... Great. My reputation as being an undaunted girl who was born without tear-channels had been totally destroyed by now.

– And I've also heard that Yohio will publish a book about... – some girl whispered as I passed near her and her friends on the corridor. – Beatrix! Hello, how are you? – she asked as soon as she noticed me.

– Hi, fine, thanks – I replied kind of surprised and went away fast. I didn't like people talking about me no matter if what they said was either true or not. Yet there were no bad gossips about me or him (or I just didn't know about them) and I was happy about it. And also Carina would tell me if she happened to hear anything online because there no one knew we knew each other. She was our mole.

Soon it will end and I will be there where no one adores Yohio this much and maybe – just maybe – people will let me live my own life; but just for a while.

**10****th**** June, 2014.**

There's not much left from school yet; we've also had a dance-class today and after it we went having a beer with Seb but that was all for today we didn't plan to get drunk and luckily we could keep this promise – instead we ate chocolate. Lots of chocolate. I spent two times more money on it than on beer but I thought we deserved some solid happiness after a perfect rehearsal. If only the performance would be this perfect!

**16****th**** June, 2014.**

Second part of the exams today; as I've been learning for my Hungarian final exams they were way too easy for me and I only had problems with Swedish itself. Great!

Mario, Chris, Gustav, Patrick, who had already made peace with Vannie, Eric, Carina, Vanessa and I went celebrating after finishing and I think I don't even have to mention that everyone were taken home by someone because as we drank ourselves under the table none of us were able to stand on his/her legs. I luckily called Kev and Sebbie before it would be too late to catch us up about an hour later. This party was like the one when I got my driving license: I had only 3.000 Forints (~9 Euros) with me and I offered some drinks to everyone and still drank _enough_ – the only difference was that now everyone had money with them so those who offered alcohol to others got it back. I've already written down we looked nice and couldn't even stand on our legs, haven't I?

**19****th**** June, 2014.**

Finally, something happened with the investigation and so police disproved everything I've learned about them from books and life – they were good for something though. They've found _Yoshiko Kirishima_ that was a twenty-two-year-old uni-student in reality – who was a bit more fangirling than it would have been healthy.

I was as happy that I nearly forgot to go to dance and only Seb's call reminded me. We usually met in front of the café where he decided to be my hero and as I wasn't there he began wondering if I was even alive. Well, I was half alive half dead with wings playing a harp in Heaven because this piece of shit would end soon and I wouldn't have to go to interrogations ever more saying the same all the damned time:_ No, nothing came into my mind since I was here last time; no,_ _I wasn't paying attention on who they were while trying to protect my life from their kicks _and_ yes, I will inform you as soon as I can remember anything more clearly._ Just no; I didn't want to say any of these sentences or similar ones ever again.

Dance was fabulous; my dress and high heels didn't bother any of us and we made a perfect show with some annoying jokes for our partner such as making funny faces while walking in front of each other and we had to stand without smiling because if the audience recognized what we were doing we would become ridiculous – and we haven't worked this much for that. Good luck, tomorrow we will still need you!

**20****th**** June, 2014.**

I had to get up at eight and so also Kevin couldn't sleep longer – tonight I went to him because now I needed his calming atmosphere and not vice versa, he wanted to leave me alone – and after having some breakfast I went to our very last rehearsal. I asked him if he would come with me but he said he would take me there and go to work until our performance.

– Bring some popcorn like you would see a bizarre movie in the cinema – I advised him as he parked the car and I got out.

– It definitely will be bizarre to see you two in that situation although I have already experienced this – he agreed. – Kiss? – he asked by pointing at the people around us with his head.

– Sure – I leaned closer to his head and placed a soft kiss onto his lips. – I still can't get used to this – I whispered him afterwards.

– That's a pity 'cause I've already got used to and I don't want you to finish this by the time the contract expires – he grinned and replied also whispering.

– We will see what future brings – I said and giving him another soft kiss I left the car and went to Sebastian who was yet waiting for me.

– Now jump into my neck and kiss me so no one will know what's going on – he winked as I reached him and he hugged me. – Come, let's go in and show them how to rock.

First we danced our rocky and for the first time I didn't try to make Sebastian laugh; I was so nervous that my legs were shaking and I nearly fainted in the morning after waking up, then if I had eaten more than one slice of bread I would have puked, my stomach was in cramp – partly that was the cause for Kevin to take me. And, of course, he never minded the stolen kisses that taking me somewhere public gave him. Men...

– Girl, are you OK? – I could see Sebbie's palm waving in front of my face.

– Not in the least, I think I will let out what's inside soon...

– Why do you want to use me as a spiritual dustbin right now? – he frowned. – I will let you use this service of mine as soon as we've finished but we have to dance again in two minu...

– No, you've misunderstood me... – I replied with a husky voice. – I...

– Ah, got it! – he hit his own forehead as I was nearly regurgitating the only slice of bread in my stomach. – Ah, no, no, no, don't you do this to me right now! – he grabbed at my shoulders and began directing me outside of the hall. He didn't really know what to do and I didn't even know anything about the world around me I just wanted to get better so I finally ended up puking in the men's restroom. Thinking about that I usually felt I was the man in our "relationship" with Kevin and I had grown a cock near him... it didn't really feel weird to be there. That was more interesting that Seb was holding my hair and caressing my back as to make it easier, I wasn't used to puking as well but having audience was something very new, only Kevin and Danny had seen me like this before.

– Better now? – he looked at my tired eyes after I washed my face. – We don't have to do this if that's what you want.

– No, I'm fine, I just... – I sighed and leaned my back against the wall. – I'm nervous as Hell and I don't want to ruin others' show – I confessed.

– Also I'm a bit anxious but having someone with you definitely makes it easier. I have you now and you have me so don't you worry and come, we will do this and be fucking perfect.

– Thanks for trying to help but some peace would be better now...

– Do you wish to stay here? – he asked immediately. – Well, I mean far away from others and not right here. It may help you to calm down.

– Just call Kevin for me, please – I begged feeling half alive half dead.

– You don't look fine are you sure you want him to worry? You normally wouldn't do.

– His voice always calms me down so call him or I will give you a headshot with my phone, as soon as I can find it, of course.

– Keep cool, you know, snow, icebergs, polar bear... – he enumerated things related to cold places and I let out a pale chuckle as I heard the last one. – Here – he handled me his phone.

– Say it you cock – I could hear Kevin's voice.

– Hello, it's me – I greeted him smiling. – The other one who keeps you as a whore.

– Oh, hi babe, what's your wish? – he asked curiously.

– I just wanted to hear your voice – I said warmly.

– Don't you feel fine or so? – _Apprehensive voice. Why did he have to worry about me?_

– I'm fine now that I've heard your voice, wish us good luck and let's meet after the performance right?

– Of course, be bad, love. – I could hear on his voice that he was grinning and he sent me a kiss in the phone too.

– Bye-bye – I smiled and hung up; then turned to Seb. – See, I'm better now.

– Then let me take you back – he came to me and took me on his shoulders. Er, yeah, it was weird first but his shoulder was pretty comfortable for my hip and my elbows were deep in his back. I felt a lot alike Fiona on Shrek's shoulder.

– Jesus, mister, what are you doing to her? – my class teacher asked hysterically.

– Decide who you're talking about – he replied rigidly and took me down to the ground.

– Thanks – I told him as to try to save the situation and smiled thankfully; then looked at the Miss' eyes coldly. – I asked him to take me here my thigh got cramp and I didn't want to get here late.

– Ah, okay, you should have told me – she turned to Sebbie and left us with this sentence.

– Grumpy bitch suffering from menopause – I murmured under my non-existing moustache.

– Don't deal with her but come start the party.

– Party? – I laughed sarcastically. – Sucking with less than ten other people on the snobs' ball. I don't feel like enjoying it at all.

– Don't care about them now, you just do it for me like only we two were on the stages and no one would be able to ruin our celebration, okay?

– Dude, your not-really-girlfriend is here and it sounded like you tried to flirt with me.

– Why, can't I do so? – he laughed and continued much more quietly. – We're not officially together and you're only officially together and not in reality so – he winked playfully.

– Stupid!

– But it would be interesting enough! – He acted as he would show me a headline. – The star's best friend is the lover of his girlfriend! Hey, don't glare at me, you would at least have some reason to break up that you want _so_ much.

– Let's talk about it later when this will be the case – I looked at him seriously and as soon as I finished my sentence we could hear our music and he took me by waist and grinned.

– Let's rock!

– Let's rock! – he smiled at me three more practices (plus two waltz-rehearsals), a good pizza-dinner with the guys and especially six long hours later.

– No, Sebastian, I'm not able in the least to go out there and especially dance! I'm afraid to mess it up – I whimpered.

– Also in the Eurovision you went on the stages and didn't mess up anything.

– Yeah and it ended with something I wasn't ready for.

– You played your role perfectly just think it's a role again don't you worry, please – he tried to calm me with more (or even less) success.

– Ah, sometimes I'm not even sure that loving him would be just a role – I said lowly and felt especially happy he couldn't ask for further information because we had to go out.

Hotness, lights in my eyes and total darkness on the audience was everything I sensed in the theatre apart from Sebbie's hand on my waist and the weight of my big, white wedding dress. Then I could hear the music and my legs automatically stepped; I was just following my partner who always knew when and what to do.

We went to the backstage by finishing the first dance as to be able to change clothes. We didn't have to worry about time, our dance was the second so we had about ten minutes and knowing what to take on it isn't a big problem for a woman to get dressed fast. Taking down our big, white dresses was a bit more difficult exercise but I luckily could go to the boys, semi-dressed with the corset on me, and ask Sebastian to save my life from that evil piece of clothing and so I was walking back in panties and bra. I personally didn't feel it either weird or immoral or anything like that 'cause one: I've done such things several times since I got to Sweden; two: they can see the same amount from my body while I'm wearing bikini, and three: my underwear wasn't either childish or too sexy just... normal.

Closing the door I could hear some guys asking Seb if he wasn't the boy of Vannie and I the girl of Yohio but I just smiled and took on my other clothes instead of eavesdropping.

– What did you mean by saying you were not sure that loving him would be just a role? – he interrogated me while we were waiting for the first class to finish their jive.

– Why do you keep asking me questions? Go to Vanessa and talk to her instead – I turned away from him a bit huffily.

– She has company at the moment and I'm very interested in – he touched my shoulder. – Keep cool I won't tell him anything, I swear that, okay? – he asked and we both became silent.

– You know I love him and I've never kept this fact a secret – I broke the silence. – But I love him more with the love of an elder sister or a mother than the love of someone from the other sex, do you understand? – I tried to form words of my thought and feelings. – I would never ever cause him pain and so I play my role in the way he wants me to as not to hurt him because I have already seen him broken down with his heart shattered into millions of pieces and I don't want him to feel this once more and especially because of me.

– But don't you feel that your mistakable behaviour would break the ticker in his chest?

– He knows how I feel and where the borders are – I turned back as to make him see me. – There was only one moment in the last five months when I felt like he attracted me and this was on your party, totally drunk. To be honest I was so horny that day that I would have accepted anyone having dick who had the right weight for the right height and wasn't as ugly as Hell.

– Don't you sometimes feel like being a dirty whore? – he looked at me surprised.

– Tell me something new – I winked. – By the way I haven't felt any men attractive since Kevin turned me down I was just playing trying not to hurt them too much.

– Come, children! – the Miss yelled as we could hear people clapping and we went to our place fast.

– Do you think you could fall for him one day? Look at him, he's hopelessly into you.

– I've been waiting for this feeling in the last two months but it's nowhere he's still my beloved little brother – _and we never try to act erotically with our siblings_ – I added silently.

He just dug me as a respond and we had to go out smiling warmly to the audience. Blah, disgusting wide grin was resting on our face again and for a short time my belly began messing with me and I had to grab at Sebbie's arm as not to fall.

– Are you okay? – he looked at me apprehensively when we had already reached our place, luckily in the last line.

– Yeah, of course – I said and tried to smile up at him.

– You don't seem so – he disagreed.

– I can't afford ruining their party with fainting – I lay down the law and from that moment we didn't talk to each other until our performance ended. It felt like years but also the moments flew away so fast that when once I closed my eyes as not to let any more beams reach my retina and began smelling the scent of Sebastian (that was, shit, damned good! it didn't remind me to Kevin in any way so I couldn't tell if I liked it more or less) it had immediately finished and we had to bow and walk down from the stages as to change clothes.

After taking back our normal clothes and going outside yet Kevin was waiting for us and he just acknowledged smiling that I was telling some bad joke about a blonde woman for his best friend.

– And I think it's time to get my Princess back – he took me by waist and gave me a soft kiss. – Sorry, photos are taken – he whispered into my mouth.

– Yeah, luckily not my, whimpering princess – Seb laughed and boxed into my shoulder. – Now I'm gone to meet mine and probably her parents – he said a bit less cheerfully and left.

– Shall we go home? I have some news – Kev looked at me and he seemed such an abandoned child that I couldn't help hugging him.

– We should go have a coffee somewhere then also I want to talk with you. You know, we sometimes should look like a pair don't we?

– Why do you always ask me such things when I want to be serious? – he asked, more form himself, then sighed. – Ah, if you let me kiss you now then we can go, what do you think? Bargain? – he stretched his hand and grinned like he thought there was no way I would accept his offer.

– How would it look if I shook hands with you instead of this? – I asked and glued my lips onto his ones. I could feel that first he didn't understand what was going on but when I opened my eyes as to check his surprised face he had already closed his ones and the gentle kiss that I had planned became insistent and I instinctively hugged his neck as he took me by waist. – So will you take me somewhere? – I asked between two kisses and as soon as my words reached his mind he stopped grabbing at my bottom.

– Why would I do so? – he looked at me even more surprised than he was when I kissed him just a moment ago.

– I let you kiss me so shut up and get into the car, right? – I glared at him and sat into my seat.

– No, you were the one who kissed me so now you just close your eyes and relax. – He caressed my face so tenderly that I could be sure he wouldn't for example rape me or so.

– Listen, I don't want to continue this game – I told him when I have already been feeling his breath on my lips for nearly a minute long time. – Come on, I won't hurt you I have already got used to these kisses even if I don't like them.

I thought he would come even closer and place a soft kiss on my lips as he had always done before but instead of this he raised his head and kissed my forehead.

– What? – I asked in surprise as I opened my eyes.

– I didn't tell you where I wanted to kiss you – he replied and smiled at me generously.

– Tell me your pieces of news instead.

– That's something I should talk about at home in total peace. – His face became sombre so fast that I felt I shouldn't interrogate him more.

Chocolate cappuccino for him and chili– flavoured hot chocolate for me; I didn't dare to take in any caffeine or I wouldn't sleep all night. I mean for a week time.

– So why did you _actually _call me this morning? – he asked by placing my drink in front of me in the café he wanted to go to.

– I wasn't fine today and needed something to calm me down. That's all – I answered as to try not to make him worry over me he cared way too much even without that.

– And what does _not feeling well_ mean to you? You always say you're fine when you're ill and only when you can't stand up and nearly faint because of temper and the lack of energy in your muscles you say you're _maybe_ not in best state. So?

– You're worse than the father of each of us – I said a bit grumpily and tasted the hot brown liquid in front of me. – But as you've brought me something wonderful I'll tell you; first note: I'm totally fine now, okay? So, you remember I couldn't sleep well and didn't eat much for breakfast...

– Right, I was surprised a bit but as I know you I shall finally learn not to get surprised let anything happen.

– I nearly fainted this morning – I began my confession – and my stomach was in cramp. Then at school my legs were shaking as I couldn't find any way out of there and at the end Sebastian had to take me to the men's restroom as to be able to help me while I puked. He held my hair and such things. Then I still needed your voice so I asked him to call you and as soon as I heard you feeling well I was happy and felt much better.

– I could see you nearly stumbling when you went out to rocky. What happened?

– It seems I'm not as good actor as you are I cannot smile on people when I just don't feel it being the right thing to do when I just want to get away as soon as possible.

– Don't be afraid, I will always be there for you – he touched my hand that rested on the table and began caressing it softly.

– Tzh, you know it sounded sooo gay – I commented in a low voice that only he heard.

– Well – he got up and came so close to me as he wanted to kiss me – again. – You said we had to seem a pair and I just played my role – he whispered into my mouth sexily and pointed at a direction with his head. – Paparazzi.

– Great – I commented and leaned back. – By the way I'm happy I have some more free time from now on that I can spend with you.

– Promise me that you will never ever dance with anyone else but me.

– How could I say no to you? – I asked using such a syrupy voice that I had a light urge to go out and puke again.

– But for sure – he leaned close to me and whispered into my ears as not to let anyone else hear it. – I want you dress in white for me and only for me.

His confession surprised me for a moment and I knew I had to answer a strict _no_ because I wasn't in love with him at all but I didn't want to break his tiny, weak heart.

– I'm not a fortune-teller therefore I don't know what future brings – I whispered back and gave a kiss onto his face. – But I think we have already discussed about this – I added more loudly.

– You know – he shrugged and drank his cappuccino. – Come, let's go home.

– Agreed. – I finished my drink and followed him to the car. We didn't talk much during the way home and even there we just fell on the sofa and enjoyed the time we could spend together without anyone annoying us. His, still muscle-less but yet stronger chest and arms felt so darn good as he embraced me from behind that I closed my eyes and leaned my head onto his shoulder as to be able to enjoy the moment with all the 100% of my being. He began caressing my hands and gave a soft kiss onto my neck and I, for the first time in my life since I had known him, felt totally relaxed, safe, and I didn't want to let the moment end.

– What did you want to talk about? – I heard his voice whispering near my left ear and I started immediately. – Ssh, sorry, did I wake you up? – he asked still caring.

– No, yes, I don't know, maybe... – I murmured and yawned. – What have you just asked?

– Nothing, just sleep if you want to – he caressed my face and gave a soft kiss onto my lips.

I fell asleep pretty easily knowing he was there to protect my dream.

**21****st**** June, 2014.**

– You say who? – I asked him again for the umpteenth time.

– Haven't you heard well? – he asked back for the umpteenth time.

– No, I'm still not sure my ears work properly, did you just say Melanie Jansen?

– Definitely, this Yoshiko-girl confessed everything and as she was afraid of the consequences of her crime she helped finding the other, bigger abettor that turned out to be my first love. Story end – he said pretty upset.

– When will we have to visit the court? – I questioned finally not a whole minute later.

– Two and a half weeks from now.

– That fast? – I widened my eyes in surprise.

– Money speaks and that's something I am not in lack of – he winked but his face became serious immediately. – I didn't want you to suffer more and so I, well, asked them to be a bit faster than usually – he blushed. – And I also couldn't wait to go on a holiday with you.

– Really, I have promised you! – I hit my forehead. – That's what I wanted to talk about, Sebastian told me something. Not like it was a good idea but it reminded me that we had to find out something and I think we should start a brainstorming for example today.

– Come, let's discuss with my manager – he stood up from near the dining-table and took the dirty plates into the dishwasher.

– Just wait until I finish my yoghurt.

– Why do you eat these trash food, dairy products aren't healthy enough for counteracting their bad effects on human organism.

– I know but I love them – I mumbled with the spoon in my mouth. – And also they have never harmed me until I knew how much I could eat with what. So go, get dressed until I finish my meal. Go, go, go – I hustled him.

– I don't even know why I try to have a civilized debate with a woman all the damned time – he chuckled and left with this.

Meanwhile the last bite got lost in my mouth so I followed him and poked his side as I reached him.

– What should I take on? – I asked smiling as he turned back grumpily.

– Some clothes? – he asked back sarcastically.

– Then let me into your room I need your tees.

– Don't you dare! – he stopped me. – Listen I know you can't wait to quit this job but that's something I don't want, not in the least so please at least try to pretend you care just a tiny bit about me and don't jump into my father's neck when he says you can leave on the, I don't know, thirteenth of July, okay?

– Sorry, I know it hurts but I feel I could do this easier if I knew I could get lost any day.

– I would be happier if you just stayed here and somehow worked for me. Can you sing?

– No, I don't want to contract with another Rehn! – I disagreed immediately.

– You would enjoy it, yet I have four girls and your character could be the angelic.

– Haha, are you still sure you know me? – I smirked. – You'd better give me the role of the ice queen, you know, everyone, all of your fans hate me!

– You may be right, a little devil suits you more. Go, take on something red and let's meet at the car, I must call Dad too.

This summer was hotter than the previous one, sometimes the mercury of the thermometer reached even 30°C. It would be totally normal in Hungary where we had to survive 40-45°C-s every summer but here in Sweden 20-25 degrees were more everyday values. I haven't experienced this hot for more than a year now so I wasn't sure whether I would swear myself if I took on a corset or not but I finally decided to do so, with a pair of black shorts and sandals.

– Where did you leave your horns, miss devil? – he grinned at me yet standing near the car and pinched my butt.

– I thought I shouldn't let anyone realize I made you fall for me with long spells! – I reacted in the same way and, as to make some show for the camera, I kissed him passionately.

– Next time tell me you would do this, you always surprise me with your kisses – he said yet in the car.

– Shouldn't I ask for your permission all the time in writing? – I turned to him.

– Yes, you shouldn't, I just wanted to say you'd better find a sign that shows me you will do so and so I wouldn't get surprised any more.

– We're a fucking pair when being surrounded by people so you should get prepared for these all the time.

– You know it's weird for me none of my relationships have been public therefore I'm used to kissing when we're just two and I have an urge to kiss but public actions are totally new for me; our relationship works vice versa.

– That's new for me too that publically I do more things than in sweet two but these actions are familiar for me so don't be afraid just trust me, it's good like this.

– I really hope you're right – he said and parked the car at the Ninetone's.

Going in everyone welcomed us, that still felt weird for me and yet Tommy was waiting for us in an office.

– I knew this moment would happen but I was hoping you would wait for a bit longer – his Dad began and made us take a seat.

– Don't be afraid I will try to stay here and Kevin will probably find some job for me at his company, or at least he promised me to – I tried to calm him.

– We will see what I can do for you – he inserted but let me talk with Tommy, this discussion was mostly about my life after all.

– So you've promised Yohio to go on a holiday with him as soon as your case is closed and you also want to break up with him 'cause your contract will expire soon, right?

– You know too much – I smiled and leaned back. – Yesterday we were kidding with Sebastian and he said it could turn out that he was my lover and so it would be obvious we couldn't stay together longer with Kev... I mean Yohio. I don't say this joke is perfect... but a good beginning for a real plan.

– And we must publish your book too, I have read it and I find it good enough although I don't know why you call yourself an angel.

– It was a totally accidental choice – I laughed. – Kevin sometimes called me princess but I felt him being more princess-like than I was.

– Hey, you told me _calling you my Angel meant a deeper love between us and that you also referred to the beginning, that you had taken me out of depression!_ – Kevin yelled.

– Well, I wasn't totally sincere... – I turned to him apologizing. – I knew I needed a positive character into your fairytale and I literally drew lots.

– From what?! – he asked still upset for that I had lied to him a month ago.

– Princess...

– You told me you didn't want to use that!

– But if the destiny wanted me to then I would have done so.

– Others? – he asked using a more calm manner.

– Angel, fairy, kitten, bunny, piglet – I chuckled.

– Why didn't you ask me? I would have told you you were my little bird, Princess.

– I don't know I just felt it being easier since we had a pretty bad relationship those days. But I can rewrite it if you want me to!

– Ah, don't deal with that it's just good like this – Kev smiled at me.

– Sorry to interrupt you but we must publish it soon, possibly before your holiday or there will be no point in it. And the time gap between the two events is in direct proportion to the sales.

– How fast can we send them to bookstores from now? – the younger Rehn asked.

– It's yet in the printing press, set to pages, they only wait for our blessing – his father answered.

– Then call them to start printing ten thousand right now; and also the stores that they will be delivered the books and some posters tomorrow so they can start selling them on Monday.

– What are your plans for Monday, Son? – Tommy asked frowning.

– Nothing, but tomorrow we will visit Melanie Jansen in the custody I want to talk with her.

– Why can't you just accept that she has changed a lot since you were children? Such is life, some people become evil with time, others don't.

– I just can't believe it was all her plan, I simply can't. I need her to look at my eyes and say it's her sin then I will accept what they say, in other case I don't; she isn't like that.

– You don't know her in the present and that how much she hates me – I said but I knew he wouldn't believe me easily although things were obvious. Facts.

– Would you like to come with me? – he looked at me seriously.

– I think that would be a good idea – I nodded. – And now can come the topic that we came for: why will we break up? – I turned to manager-daddy.

– Simple arguments wouldn't be good, Yohio's image is definitely argument-less.

– And our relationship seems way too perfect – the mentioned person added.

– Living together didn't work out like we had hoped? – I asked them again.

– Hah, will you be the unbearable one or shall I have weird habits? Actually living together works perfectly and even when you finish this job I happily give you accommodation if you wish me to so that wouldn't be good.

– Lost flame? – Tommy opened his mouth but also he felt it was ridiculous.

– Way too ordinary – Kevin replied.

– You needed to concentrate on work more and we decided that a relationship just didn't fit your timetable? – I presented my weak idea.

– Totally me but it's predictable we need an unpredictable thing to surprise everyone. Like we feel young for a relationship this serious and we want to live some free life before bounding ourselves?

– You won't have anyone else for long, I know you enough as to know this and I've had a boyfriend before you so forgotten.

– Living free life doesn't mean not having someone – he made me wise.

– I didn't want to tell you but it sounds gay – Tommy joined.

– Thanks, Dad... – Kevin murmured huffily then turned back to us. – Then?

– What about the old but gold third-one-trick?

– Who would be that? Sebastian? – I laughed. – Or how did you imagine it?

– You two just have to go to a party and cheat on the other then confess and say that although the other forgives you you can't live in a relationship where you know you've done something wrong... – he began but he was interrupted by his son.

– And with that you've hurt the one you love more than anything – he looked honestly in my eyes. – You feel confessing isn't enough to wash the blame down from yourself and you can only feel free if you break up with the love of your life and so you get your penalty with it.

– But although your fault doesn't hurt you it hurts the other one and missing each other is bad for both of you – I disagreed trying to remind him what he felt even years after breaking up with his first boyfriend, Seike, the biggest asshole far and near.

– Have you heard of finding a new relationship? – he looked at me.

– It will probably be harder for the passive one who thinks he or she isn't good enough although the problem isn't in him or her but in the partner.

– Do you have any better idea? – he asked sarcastically.

– Yes, now I know! – I hit my thigh. – Since I was here with you several varied injuries happened to me that I couldn't handle well so you decided to let me go because if your fanatics can see your heart isn't taken they will probably stop harassing and hurting me.

– Breaking up with you wouldn't mean getting back my heart – he winked. – So no.

– Then we must party after coming home from the fabulous and relaxing holiday – I summarized.

– What if you went to a party ON your holiday? – Tommy asked suddenly after waiting for a silent minute.

– You mean what? – Kevin asked back.

– Go on a holiday together and break up then and there, abroad, where less people know who you are and they don't really care what you do with whom.

– Also I don't give a fuck about what he does but I know everything because he acts so talentedly.

– What am I talented in? – he laughed.

– Fucking up things, darling – I caressed his face and stuck out my tongue.

– And I know a great and very meaningful place to go – the older Rehn began.

– So have I just heard well? – he turned to his father with widened eyes. – Me and my little bird now have to go on a holiday somewhere meaningful to break up?

– Exactly – Tommy replied his son. – I actually thought of Venice again.

– I'd advise the North's Venice instead – I said immediately; I knew that Venice would, well, smell a bit nowadays.

– Or Paris, the other most romantic city – Kevin continued.

– But only if we go to the art-quarter as well – I stated because I really, really wanted to see some beauty before cheating on _my brother_.

– Sure – he sent me a grin. – Or do you happen to speak any Russian?

– No but neither do I speak French – I confessed.

– Paris wouldn't be so cold and... also going back to the place where you fell in love is the most ordinary idea to break up.

– What kind of breaking up do you wish for, arguing or by a message? – I asked sarcastically even though I knew I hurt him with this. Surprisingly he didn't get huffy at all.

– No but a friendly, kind of childish and partly romantic one would fit my image.

– Hah, because cheating on each other is very, very, _very_ romantic – I stressed.

– Just you stop it right now we work at the moment, right? – he tried to calm me down but I felt his voice was shaking nearly as much as mine.

– So Paris – I agreed after counting to ten.

– Yes; there's nothing more romantic than Paris so it wouldn't be obvious yet – he said and sighed. – I don't want to finish it...

– I will stay here with you as a friend, you will forget about me with time, find someone else and then I will be able to move to my own flat.

– But will we be friends forever? – he asked with begging eyes and stretched his hand.

– Friends forever – I accepted his hand and I could see relief on his face.

– I'll get two tickets for you for the eleventh of July and you will come home on the thirteenth, okay? – Tommy, who was more practical asked.

– Right, we will have a birthday party there and... you know... – Kevin said but his voice began shaking again as he tried to add what would happen there.

– Ssh, don't think of it but come have some solid happiness with me – I hugged his shoulders and kissed his forehead. I knew he didn't want anyone see him this fallen but also that he needed someone care for him or he would fall even more apart.

– I'm fine, totally... – he murmured and a short moment later looked up at me frowning. – But what the Hell is solid happiness?

– Chocolate, of course – I laughed. – I have some in my bag... – I began checking it. – Jesus, female bags! Here it is, eat! – I pushed it into his hands.

– No, I don't need any...

– Shut up and eat, this whimpering Kevin is even more annoying than the one which thinks he is sexy – I said grumpily and turned to Tommy. – How shall we find some poor people to play with? Or should we take someone with us?

– For the fanatics it's better to blame some unknown people than those they might know except if you want to make them hate some of your friends forever.

– Okay, then I think we've agreed... – I said getting up. – We will see which of us will be more attractive for the French on Kevin's nineteenth birthday party and while coming home we will write the announcement that you can publish on the next day.

– Then, as his friend, you can still live with him until you study and work for him – he added. – What about your further studies anyways?

– Well, I've applied for Hungarian final exams in October so I will be able to go to university from next February...

– And what do you plan to study?

– English interests me most but I think, not really marketing but more finance would be good then I could be an accountant. It's not the most interesting thing for me but it would be pretty useful for you, right?

– Good choice; now go and do something with my son – he said and as a farewell he kissed both my cheeks; then left.

– Come, you can finish it in the car, I'll drive home – I pulled Kevin up from the sofa and we followed my fake-boyfriend's father's example and went home.

– Right – he murmured and obediently came with me.

– Better now? – I asked him after closing the door behind me; I didn't talk to him while driving but let him eat happiness and relax with eyes closed.

– Yeah, yeah, but are you sure you don't want to...

– Can't you remember what I had to suffer because of this relationship? – I snapped. I hated him being so fucking stubborn.

– With time they will probably accept you and then...

– I have no time for them accepting me because I love you in another way not like you love me and living in a one-sided relationship is just damned tiring I can't stand it for long.

– You should at least make a try for me!

– Haven't you seen that I've been trying for months? – I raised my voice. – Now I see that I have just ruined my life with accepting this fucking job and I don't want you to ruin yours with this never-alive relationship because you're too important for me!

– Then why don't you let me love you? – he grabbed at my shoulders and pulled me closer.

– I'd happily let you love me if our loves weren't different this much but can you imagine the disgust I feel when you kiss me or go even further?!

– So you say you kiss back because you enjoy disgusting things? – He was using the murderously low voice and I shivered for a short moment.

– You know I didn't mean it like that but God, have you ever kissed someone you really didn't want to?

– Christmas, Eve's party – he stated.

– Then why can't you just fucking understand me you bastard? – I swept his hands down from me and left him gawping in surprise.

We didn't say even a single other word to each other today, our proudest didn't let us to.

**22****nd**** June, 2014.**

Waking up I felt I was rude yesterday and I wanted to appease him for this. Sure, I meant all the things I said but it just didn't feel good now that I had argued with him and called him bastard even if I knew I needed to get these off my chest. I felt sorry only for the way I presented what was on my mind.

– Time to get up if you really want to go to the police station – I knocked at his door at half past one. I knew he was awake for hours and that he came out to eat when I went having a shower so I could also be sure he was mad at me. Like he could stifle me in a spoon of water or so.

– Why are you so interested in my problem? You said _you just ruined your life with accepting this fucking job_ then why do you do so? – He opened the door so rapidly that the wind nearly sniffed me inside and I fell on him.

– Don't you start arguing again!

– Start? Hah, you mean continue! And you haven't answered me so come on!

– Shut up and come – I grabbed at his ear and pulled it so he had to stand on tiptoes. – I'm fed up with you being so childish so get your fucking ass into the car and go! – I opened the door and tossed him out while releasing his ear. I closed my eyes for a short while, I planned to shout with him again and only when I opened them did I realize that a whole family with three children was watching us. – Hi – I smiled and waved them in a friendly way. – Wait a minute, honey, I'm taking my bag – I said and went back quietly swearing and took my stuff.

– Fast – he replied less cheerfully and folded his arms.

– Don't be like this – I purred and rubbed my head to his neck.

– Ah, just go, you imp – he took me by waist and we left. – I hope you know I'm not finished yet with you, not in the least – he whispered.

– If you can remember what I've literally said then you could also remember that a conjunction followed it, even two; and that I said something after _because_!

– You don't seem to care for me though; if you did so then you would let me love you in a way I want to love you but...

– Who do you say doesn't care for you? – I snapped. – Let me ask who made you breakfast, lunch and dinner in the last six months! Who let you cry on her shoulder and who let you sleep with her whenever you felt being alone?

– Would you please just stop interrupting me? – he turned to me gravely and I immediately shut my mouth up. – Thanks! Now get in and lets fucking go.

I obeyed silently and waited for him to continue his thoughts. I had absolutely no clue about what he wanted but it seemed important.

– I just wanted to say that I personally would be much slower with you but this two-poled love or what we do just makes me insane and my body never knows if we have to act or not and also my hormones are playing with me! You've had a brother so you must already know that if once you let a man touch something of you then he will treat it being natural from then and I think we've already went way too far and I can't just erase the touch of your skin or the taste of your lips from my mind it doesn't matter how hard I try.

– Then it will be better also for you to finish this act.

– Yeah, I guess, whatever, I just don't want to treat you in two different ways every day. First I was hoping I only would have to hold your hand and sometimes push my lips towards yours then the whole scene would be over but this damned chemistry began working and the more I wanted to keep myself away from you the more I got closer to you.

Mutely I was listening to him thinking about what the Hell I had to say now. Maybe nothing but I felt there was something I wanted to tell him. Something I couldn't tell him yesterday.

– I'm sorry – I mumbled finally giving my thoughts a form both of us could remember. My small, salty and wet thoughts were glittering in my eyes; the mirror of my soul got blurred.

– It's okay, sweetie, no problem, ssh... – he whispered tenderly and caressed my face.

– How could you say there was no problem? I manipulated you made you fall in love with me and when I didn't feel you good enough for me I wanted to throw you away like a used cloth but then it was yet late and now both of us suck because of my stupidity!

– I don't believe you – he said still fucking caring. I wanted to make him stop loving me but it just didn't work.

– For God's sake why can't you believe me when I'm finally honest with you?

– 'Cause I know you better than believing your lies, you're an open book to me.

– I really wish you could read my mind because in that case you knew I was being serious – I continued fibbing; but only for his interest. I was afraid...

– I can feel the same that I've felt every time we've nearly made love. Fright – he turned to me for a short moment then he was watching the road again. _But how could he feel how I felt?_

– I'm also sorry for the birthday – I added a minute later; yet my face was more or less dry.

– We haven't even done anything why do you apologize?

– Not that, I mean, not just that... the one two weeks ago...

– Nothing happened and I enjoyed everything, it was perfect; don't be sorry for that – he caressed my face.

– But only because we _couldn't_ have sex! – I yelled. – Both of us would have regretted it!

– Do you think I would have done it then and there? – he asked calmly but I could feel some surprise in his voice. – Sure I was horny as Hell...

– But not more than I was – I commented.

– But I wouldn't ever hurt you; you're more important for me than satisfying my needs! You're not ready for that, you're not even ready for this whole relationship-stuff and not because you're not mature or intellectual you're just... simply...

– I know, I know, you don't have to remind me about how useless I am – I smiled at him thankfully; yet I knew he had accepted my choice and this meant a lot for me.

– Here we are – he stated and parked the Suzuki outside of the police station.

– Thank you – I said and hugged him before he could get off. – You're my best friend.

– And you're mine too – he hugged me back and I could hear on his voice that he smiled. – Let's go in and face this, okay?

– Got it, captain! – I grinned as I left my seat. _Come on, little girl, you can do this!_

Of course this self-encouragement didn't work and I wanted to run away the furthest I could when it came to walk through the gate. So typical to me... when you can see a difficulty the best thing you can do is to run away and never look back! This is the only thing what I've always hated in my mother and look, I've become the same. Shit.

Two long minutes later I was standing in an unknown room with Ellie sitting in front of me. As far as I know we wouldn't be able to talk to the committer so I don't know how Kevin has made them making an exception.

– Haven't seen for a while, Melanie, what's up? – he looked in her eyes and took a seat as well._ How could he manage on being this calm and rigid?_

– The newest fashion is the lengthways-striped haven't you heard? – she asked back like she was just playing with him and I could see the man near me changing facial expression.

– Was it really you? – It was hard for him keeping cool; I heard on his voice.

– I wonder how I will look even thinner; what do you think, will I be pretty?

– I've asked you something, God damn it! – he shouted by reaching his top.

– Look at me I'm that child who played with you in the sand when we were young – Ellie said. It was her trump; she knew that childhood-memories played an important role in Kevin's life: he had quite a short one so when he thought back he tried to enjoy every single moment.

– Kevin, don't listen to her – I begged him. – She just tries to web you and make you insane.

– Who will you believe, an old friend or a Goth? – she hustled him. – Let me say anything she will probably disagree immediately.

– Trixie, would you please let me talk to her in two? – my flatmate turned to me.

– You've made me a favour – I replied and stormed out of the room. There a policewoman asked if I wanted to listen to their conversation and as I was more curious than letting them alone I accepted her offer by walking through the door near the one I came out of.

– Why? – I could hear the familiar male voice asking after some silent minutes.

– Because I couldn't stand her while talking with you. You can't imagine how easier it is when we're just two.

– I hope you know she can see and hear everything – he said incidentally.

– Of course I do so – she shrugged. – But watching her disgusting face I felt I had to vomit. How can a girl look like that, but seriously?

– This is not the time or place to discuss about fashion.

– Is it a problem that I care about your image and I want to make her someone who would suit you? Someone that _really_ looked well with you? You should also care...

– Shut up and tell me why instead! – he snapped.

– Keep cool, you're so tense since I turned you down – she grinned; she obviously enjoyed that she could make him mad and she was using such a syrupy voice that now I was the one who felt like puking. – But okay, let there be children's day.

– I'm still waiting – he said ten minutes later with his arms folded.

– I hate you both! – she yelled losing her temper. – You turned me down years ago and now that you're hers I can't even forgive you and make you mine! She took my chance to get you forever! She's just a Goth she's not a real antagonist for me but I won't ruin her game I'm a big animal protector! She can't even speak Swedish well she just came here to exploit us she wouldn't even deserve you or this whole life here! Swedish is a superior race and we shouldn't mix with inferior ones!

– I wonder when you've become a Nazi – he answered contemptuously and left the room.

– Congratulations – the policewoman shook Kevin's hand. – Now we know the motive of the crime and it will be easier to convict her. She wasn't willing to tell us anything.

– You're just welcome at any time you need my help – he scraped his nape embarrassed. – And tell your daughter I greet her.

– I will – she replied and left. So she was the mother of one of Kevin's friends that I might know but... to be honest she didn't remind me to anyone I've already seen...

– Remember Lilin? – he whispered to me.

– Er... yeah, yeah, I know. Is she her...?

– Right – he grinned and we started our way to the car.

At home, as I had finished Swedish school, I began learning for the Hungarian final exams. I knew I had enough time for it but not only did I have to catch up with the curriculum but I also had to repeat things I've forgotten during the year. And, oh, man, I was reading Hungarian sentences again! Maths, English, History, Literature and Grammar... I'm not as good yet as I used to and as I could be if I stayed there but without it I wouldn't be able to take Swedish as the fifth subject. I will even have to travel to Budapest for the oral part.

So I have planned to learn some History today, bye, dear Diary!

**23****rd**** June, 2014.**

Imagine what I was learning yesterday in the bed! I even let out a small, amazed shriek when I randomly chose the topic and Kevin ran to me to ask if I were fine. _Nazism_...

Kevin woke me up with some toast and marmalade and as he knew I didn't like coffee he gave me some green tea instead. He even wrote _Buon Apetite!_ onto a small piece of paper and put all these onto my bedside table on a tray.

– Good morning Piglet – he chuckled, even hid his face with his palms.

– Pigl... why... morning – I mumbled as a greeting.

– And happy six months as well – he smiled and gave a kiss onto my forehead.

– You mean? – I sat up and decided to trust the food he had made.

– Six months ago, on the twenty-third of December you signed a contract with me and my father about playing a role, remember?

– Right, I can remember – I let out a small laughter. – So we have known each other for more than half a year... it feels like it was just some months and a whole life at the same time.

– Well, in a way we can mean it was a whole life since you have just begun a new life when you met me.

– Uhm, something like that – I mumbled with a big bite in my mouth. – It tastes good, congrats! – I commented on the food. – But, turning back to the previous topic, I didn't plan my life to be this special; I just wanted to survive school and work then try to get some real job and find someone I could love, we would get married one day and have children.

– Then you began working for my father and became the girlfriend of one of the most popular teen stars of Sweden, not even for real but for salary. Is it what you mean?

– To be honest now I can't even imagine my life either without you or people staring, sometimes glaring at me; and everyone knows my name at school. And they try to ask me to get some autographs and/or pictures with you for them; paparazzi harass us when we want to hang out with each other... but at least I get paid for this so yeah, you're right. – I glanced at the screen of my phone and nearly threw food metres away from me. – I've forgotten I had to go to the church! Please, for the last time, could you take me somewhere?

– Go get dressed and wait me near the car when I get there – he smiled fatherly like he had known something like this would happen to me. Sure I was pretty absent-minded sometimes.

I put on right clothes fast and ran to the car with my bag; I even had to do my make-up there as Kevin occupied the bathroom until I got dressed.

– Do something with you hair – he advised – you look as you've just woken up some minutes ago...

– 'Cause I've just done so? – I talked back. – Don't you have a hairbrush or something with you so you could _truly_ help me?

– It's in my bag on the backseat – he pointed backwards with his head. I turned there and realized there was another black bag near mine and after searching for a hairbrush for minutes I could finally find it and do something with my mane.

– Next time I have to show up formally remind me to wash my hair – I asked my flatmate and hugged him before hopping out of the car and running after the others.

Luckily I could reach Chris and grab at his arm. He first stared at me amazed then realized also I was a part of the class – that nowadays I didn't seem to; I had other responsibilities those were more important than hanging out with classmates.

– So you have some spare time for us beside your famous friends? – he asked trying to stay rigid but I could see he nearly burst out in laughter.

– Shut up – I hit his head friendlily. – You know I loved sitting near you and helping you out when we wrote tests.

– I hope you haven't erased my drawings from your exercise books! – He looked at me in a way that told me he would kill me if I have done so.

– No I will keep them forever and when we meet ten years later from now I will show them to you – I promised whispering and chuckling we took our seats.

I haven't been to any church for a long time although I love monuments so I was paying more attention to the building than what was said so I can't really remember anything...

I went home on foot and, for fun, I stepped into a bookstore where I knew I could get one from Our Fake Story and I bought one. First the shop assistant didn't recognize me but when she did so then she asked me to dedicate her copy. It was pretty funny since I didn't know how I should write my name in these cases so I just placed my ugly letters forming _Beatrix_ there and smiling I left the shop.

At home I told Kevin what a weird situation I got into but he just patted my head and smiled saying _see, this is one of the good sides of fame_ then asked my opinion about some videos he had received from people who wanted to work for the KEIOS, Kevin's company.

**8****th**** July, 2014.**

The exact day has come and we had to go to the court and I had to talk about the things that had happened in May – hopefully for the last time. Hopefully...

– Are you ready? – he smiled at me but I could see worry in his eyes.

– Can someone ever get ready for this? – I asked back with my stomach in cramp and got out of the car. All the flashes began playing and I nearly covered my face with my palm. Kevin knew this would happen and instinctively tightened my hand.

– Don't deal with them, like they weren't even here – he whispered to me and we went in.

Many girls were sitting in the docks, most of them didn't reach the age of eighteen, some were even under fourteen. I could see their parents' apprehensive faces as they were looking at their daughters but their gazes clouded as soon as they glanced at me. It felt horrible so I immediately looked at Kevin and as a response he grasped my hand showing me he knew I was afraid but he couldn't help more than supporting me from backwards. _Great, thanks._

I felt like a zombie during the whole trial phase searching for an escape and only when I could see Carina, Vanessa, Sebastian and Kevin as witnesses did I calm down a bit. They all told what they knew, that I was walking home from school when some girls encircled me and a fight started between us, then when Vannie reached me he immediately called Sebastian who told Kevin to hurry to my school because Hell itself broke loose and someone had to stop the girls. Then Kevin got there, began shouting with them and took me away as soon as he could, to the hospital. There were many videos made proving what we've said and so none of the committers even tried to deny their guilt.

– Do not shiver, also you know we will win the lawsuit – my lawyer whispered to me in a moment I didn't expect her in the least. I was just looking out of my head and, probably, shivering as Hell since she told me not to do.

I wouldn't say I was terrified but it definitely didn't feel good that more than half of the people inside tried to kill me with their gazes and sometimes it felt like they absorbed a knife in my back and trying to fight with this feeling it didn't work to concentrate on anything else. I felt cold (being in Sweden it didn't surprise me) and I realized I got goosebumps too. _Wonderful, fucking wonderful, now you really look like someone who doesn't deserve being here and should go back to her calm and warm life into Central Europe. Congrats! _– I clapped for myself in thought and sighed.

Of course the next two days will consist of this trial phase too just as to torture my nerves for some longer time. Thanks!

**10****th**** July, 2014.**

For two days my thoughts were fulfilled with the faces of the girls who didn't know where the borders were and now suffered. I knew most of them didn't want it to degenerate into this they just wanted to slap me and get away, just as they'd told, but some others didn't feel it enough and as there were more than fifty girls there (some really just slapped then ran away) I would have got enough injuries even by getting a slap from all of them but no, it wasn't enough from some of them, they were mad at me because I had broken their dreams of being the little wife of their idol and as I was in a wrong place at the wrong time they could let all their sorrow flow on me in the form of their hits and kicks and make me pay for their gloom. I was feeling that bad for these times that I even dreamt about them and I only calmed down when Kevin let me sleep at least in the same bed as he did. We had a small debate if it was now _friendship with benefits_ what we were just doing or not but at the end we agreed that I would just sometimes reach for his hand and tighten it if I was afraid. It worked perfectly.

Again no one tried to deny their guilt, all confessed what was on their mind and apologized – except Ellie, she strongly denied she was saying anti-Semitic claims about me. Great, last day everyone got to know I was partly Jewish... it wouldn't really matter that she was saying these since I didn't consider myself being Jewish but facts were facts, as I had Hebrew ancestors anno hundreds of years ago, and I was asked about this too, it made her case even worse. She strictly denied saying _Swedish is a superior race and we shouldn't mix with inferior ones!_; _She just came here to exploit us she wouldn't even deserve [...] this whole life here!_ and _I won't ruin her game I'm a big animal protector!_ with grave face but of course she failed as there were recordings about their conversation with Kevin.

Finally, after the declaration of sentence also Kevin declared something, more concretely that he would cash in instead of everyone and that he wanted to pay the ransom for those who would be sent to prison because he didn't want his fanatics (or probably ex-fanatics, he added) spend their money on him in this way he would prefer to see them on his concerts. Luckily he didn't mention our book because I would have given him a motherly slap; he had way enough self-advertisement even without this.

Going out I could see the flashes playing again but I started to get used to them and that I didn't always have to answer to questions addressed to me. They were asking us about what he had said inside about financial things and he told them we had planned it together and that he had told everything else he wanted to back in the courtroom; then we got into the car and went home. This was the original plan but he had to hit the horn at least three times and let it sound for some long seconds before they showed some willingness to give way to us and we could leave more or less in peace. Yeah, then we went paying the cheques.

– Do you feel fine yet? – he asked me in the car and pushed my favourite unhealthy _salad_, chocolate into my hands.

– Thanks – I murmured and ate a lump of chocolate. – Yeah I feel pretty fine since we could clarify the case and it was so darned good to see all the relieved faces when you said you would pay instead of them. But do you know how much money you would spend on them now? – I asked recognizing the sum. – Millions of Swedish kronas.

– It doesn't matter, I don't care, this is the price of clearing our names and it does worth every money to clear your holy name from all the dirt covering it.

– Stop flirting with me right now or I will... – I began.

– What will you do? – he raised his eyebrows playfully. _So the old, second Kevin has just came back. Great, wonderful, gimme more of it and don't you dare to staph ever!_

– For example not give you my birthday present – I grinned widely knowing he would eat out my hands when talking about his birthday present. He was very interested in what I planned to give him and, to tell you the truth also I was very interested in as I still haven't decided about it. I wanted to give him something which I thank the seven months I worked for him with. Something more meaningful than a simple b-day present people usually buy in shops; that only we two understood.

– Okay, I have stopped – he said grumpily and drove home.

There I went to my room and began thinking what I should give him. First I thought of buying a big stuffed panda-toy he could seep with when I wasn't there for him, for our first memory but it wouldn't be a good idea for two purposes: first I had to hide it somehow so it would be obvious I haven't bought it yet and secondly he had already been having Kevin, the reindeer and I didn't think he would need another toy instead of me. Not like I was a toy for him or anything but still, you know... Then I thought I should buy him pálinka to remind him to me and our holiday in Hungary too but then I realized we haven't even touched the bottle I brought. Another idea, I thought. Something that reminds him to our weird relationship and... relationship. _We didn't even have a relationship_, I thought, _we have a relation-boat!_ Yet I knew what meaningful and not really pricy thing I wanted to give him – a small handmade boat-model named _relation_.

– Have you packed everything? – he pushed his head inside and my heart skipped a beat.

– Ah, jeez, you've scared me – I scolded him. – But thanks for the reminder, I will finish soon! Anything else?

– What will you give me for my birthday? – he asked inquisitively.

– Don't be this curious or you will get old soon – I said smiling.

– You mean? – he frowned.

– In Hungary we usually say those who are curious get old soon – I winked and scared he left my room even though only his head was inside.

The sound of the closing door calmed my heart a bit, now I only had to make a plan about buying the gift without him knowing. Cool!

**11****th**** July, 2014.**

This day was wonderful. Reaching Paris we went to one of the most luxurious hotels we could find and checked in for three days. Paying in advance; and after getting our room we hurried up and began making photos like we _really_ were on a holiday. Notre Dame, the Eiffel-tower, Napoleon's Triumph-arch... we tried to visit all the usual tourist-sights INSIDE the city in one day and concentrate on the real plan one day later. To be honest it was too good to have fun with him and I just wanted to enjoy it.

All of the good pictures I made with his phone landed on his insta of course, even on which I was watching small gifts (for horrible prices) with the text: _May I get one of these tomorrow?_. I could find a small boat I liked very much and when he wasn't paying attention – since some of his fanatics found him and asked for autographs – I bought it fast together with some earrings and going back to him I told him I was just checking the jewellery. Then he asked me why I hadn't bought him a necklace. _What a vain man!_

– I'll become a photographer – I showed him the photos I made at the end of the day. I think the best was that when I could make a shoot of him lying on the bed half-nakedly, grinning and showing a heart with his hands.

– You'd probably better just stay my personal one – he laughed and patted my head. – Won't you give me my present now?

– One simply not celebrates his birthday one day earlier, in German areas it is believed to bring bad luck.

– We're in France – he begged. – I don't even believe in superstitions, so please...

– No, I'm a relentless big sister – I grinned and decided to take a shower. Santa still hadn't surprised me, maybe this stress caused that it was coming late, a whole week late. It could start any time but yet my belly is totally okay so first on the day after tomorrow will I maybe need to use my biggest enemy, the tampon.

– It feels so good that I don't have to be afraid of you climbing at me when I look like this – he said when I went back. He was parading in a simple pair of pants so I had to smile.

– Not like I was the one who climbed onto the other at any time – I commented and took the towel down from me. – But if you're allowed to wear whatever you want then I am so.

– Get ready to sleep instead we will have a long and important day tomorrow.

– I know... I know... – I sighed and shot my eyes down as he got lost in the bathroom. As soon as the door closed I took the boat and some paint and brush I had bought in a stationery-shop and wrote the word _relation_ onto the bottom of it. Then I put it somewhere he wouldn't find it and got dressed into one of my big T-shirts and pulled the blanket onto myself. Yet I was dozen when he got ready but I felt him giving a kiss onto my forehead. For his luck the bed was big enough to be able to keep the one metre distance while sleeping.

**12****th**** July, 2014.**

In the morning I was mainly... sleeping. Kevin worked, as always, but he didn't wake me up until he needed my opinion and it was about quarter past noon or something like that.

– Good morning, Princess, have you slept well? – he asked smiling.

– What's the time? – I mumbled drowsily as I sat up. – And why did you wake me up?

– I wanted to know your plans about the day. You said you wanted to go to the art-quarter didn't you? – he asked.

– And I wanted to sleep at least that much – I fell back between the pillows.

– Don't you do this to me or I will have to wake you up – he warned me and soon I could feel the bed moving as he climbed over me. – Will you get up or shall I kiss you awake?

– Get down from me you will have enough time to play my boyfriend in the afternoon...

– Yet it's after noon – he took me wise.

– Then order me some food and wake me up only when it's here – I murmured under my still-non-existing moustache.

– You're unbelievable – he sighed and after giving a soft kiss exceptionally onto my lips, that he hadn't done for weeks, he got down, and then pulled the blanket down from me.

– It's coold, gimme back! – I sat up and as a zombie moved my hands in the direction of the most important thing for me – the blanket.

– Now that you're awake you should get dressed and come with me, it's my birthday, remember? – he grinned but I barely saw anything from my bleary eyes.

– Take me to the bathroom and I will be useful soon – I asked him and the next thing I could remember was that I was standing in front of him with a small package in my hands that contained the boat and some chocolate that, if he didn't want to eat, he could give to me. – So this would be your present... it's not something big but I hope you will understand why I give it to you. So, here you are – I handled it to him.

– Wow, thank you – he said and I could see tears began filling his eyes as he read the word at the bottom of the small stuff. – So you finally share your boat with me?

– We could say I have decided to cooperate with you until I can – I smiled and accepted the three kisses he gave onto my cheeks as to show his thankfulness.

– And now let's fucking go and visit the places where big arts have born – and find a place where we can have our party – he took my hand and led me out of the room.

I was wearing my black lace miniskirt with the black corset, a pair of lace gloves and, of course, the indispensable pair of boots. Sure it was a bit warm for today, the sun was shining and so it was about 35-40°C-s but I didn't fucking care; I had no other shoes I could take on...

Paris was still as fabulous as it had been yesterday, if not even better, but I still wouldn't have minded if we went to Saint Petersburg instead.

Getting home yet we knew where we were going to go and so I went through the plan once more. Going there we aim the bar and don't even get up without having at least two Jägermeißters per person for "priming". Then beers can come, for one weird law we will get drunk as we started with stronger drinks. Then we both will go dance with others and the one who attracts them easier will take someone into our bed... or maybe just pay for them to drink enough and don't remember about these.

– So how will it be once again? – I asked him lying on the bed. We were ready for the party yet but we didn't dare leave the hotel room and start the mission.

– I won't lie – he began. – I've decided to make another, last, real scandal with getting drunk during the party... and by taking a girl here as to cheat on you. I want to be the guilty one.

– You're insane, your image and maybe your whole career will be destroyed with this! No, it will be me who cheats on the other one.

– Don't you try to change my mind I have been planning this since we've agreed about it! I don't want you to be hated I'd prefer me to be hated instead because you deserve an average life without useless hater and especially fame. You deserve peace.

– I deserve nothing and you can't afford this scandal – I sat up. – You simply can't. You've had at least three only this year and it's just July yet. Or do you really want to be the Swedish Justin Bieber? Your fanatic-guard is very pliable nowadays.

– It will become a scandal in one way or another so let me decide this time – he said gravely and held my hand that he began caressing so tenderly that it made the situation very extreme: he was touching me at least as softly as harshly he was talking to me. – I love you too much to let anyone hurt you just one more time. Even after we officially break up you can come to me if you need comfort and help. I will always be there for you – he continued and also sat up. – Friends forever, remember?

– Friends forever – I smiled and grasped his hand. And in that very moment the divine spark reached me and I suddenly dawned on my own feelings. I didn't want him to be just my friend, I didn't want him to be only my brother because I finally, hopelessly and irretrievably fell for him and yet I knew what I wanted to give him for his birthday: Our True Story...


	12. 9 - Never Buy Shoes For A Woman

Chapter Nine: Never Buy Shoes For A Woman

**13****th**** July, 2014.**

As the girls he had asked about a place where we could go were his fanatics both of us could be sure that I shouldn't go there wearing my long, steel-layered boots so our first trip was for finding party-shoes for me.

– But I don't want these either – I stated in the sixth shop when we still couldn't find anything I could wear without my legs aching after at the outside two hours.

– Then stand up and go find one for yourself – he grinned at me murderously. As we were now talking in Swedish between us no one understood what we said and we seemed to be a more or less happy pair. _If only they knew what we have planned..._

– Okay, shame on you, I'm goi... – I said and as soon as

my legs got straight I glanced the love of my life with six centimetres high heels, platform and creeper-pattern. I didn't care that I was as tall as Kevin wearing them, that first I nearly lay on my stomach after taking one step in them, or either the price; I didn't give a fuck about all these. I. Needed. Them. Dot.

– Are you sure you will be able to walk in these? – he asked yet on the street before we got into the taxi.

– Why, can't you see that I can walk? – I grinned and raised my leg sexily. – Am I pretty?

– Take the boots home instead then let me complete the mission – he replied more seriously and both of us got into the car. I could see him being determined about the plan and he didn't want to step back.

Back in the hotel we checked our make-up; he also made mine a bit more sexy; he said he would have liked to see me like this probably for the last time in his life. I felt like crying when he told me these but I didn't dare tell him about my feelings, also I wasn't sure about them yet; maybe they were just reactions for his desperate state.

– I wish we could stay like this for a bit longer time – I bowed my head backwards and closed my eyes. – It's good to be in peace.

– Sure that wouldn't be bad – he agreed and began caressing my hand. – Will you drink?

– Probably but I don't really feel the urge to go there what if someone _really_ wants to rape one of us? – I asked apprehensively.

– Don't you worry; then I will protect you – he turned to me; based on the sounds.

– Good joke – I replied opening my eyes as I felt the car stopping. – Let's go and rage.

As soon as the door opened I could hear the rhythmic thump-thump beat of the... _music?_ that was inside and see that is wasn't as easy to get in as I had thought. A 2-metres-tall 100-kilograms-heavy gorilla was standing in the door and if he didn't consider you being cool enough as to go in you could, at the outside, tell him to fuck with cactus before going away. Yet I knew why Kevin wanted me to change shoes: I wouldn't be let inside in any way if it could be seen on me that I was a rocker. He chose well, all the bitches those were queuing looked like real whores waiting for their clients. _Great, I may not be let in._

– She stays you can go – I heard the low voice of the gorilla talking to us, surprisingly in English but with strong French accent. I looked at him surprised.

– Don't you know who I am? – Kevin asked sarcastically and grasped my hand. – I don't even care if there are too many girls inside because. She. Will. Come. With. Me. Inside – he stated and took me by waist. – You shouldn't mess with Yohio, Swedes can get mad at you easily – he finished and pulled me inside near the astonished man.

– What an asshole you've become – I grinned and gave a quick kiss onto his lips making him surprised.

– Sure I have; sometimes I need to be to get what I want – he replied and took the advantage of playing my boy and kissed me too.

– Shouldn't we go have drinks? – I asked between his two kisses.

– Hm, let me enjoy this for a bit longer time – he begged and so I (happily) let him do whatever he wanted to do to me.

His kiss was as gentle as I remembered it to be but now I could feel how testosterone fulfilled his body as I let him become more and more wayward and soon it wasn't me who led the kiss but him and I enjoyed that now I could fully rely on him; it was a very new feeling.

– I... – I mumbled. – Go or I won't take the consequences of my acts – I said pushing him further from me.

– You're so cruel to me – he murmured grumpily and taking my hand we started our way to the bar.

– Here – the bartender gave me our drinks and as soon as I handled Kevin his one I grasped his hand as well.

– Believe it or not, I'm afraid.

– Believe it or not but my heart beats in my neck and not only because you're so damned sexy that I want to take you to my bed right now – he confessed and kissed me again. – I love you and that's why I do it – he finished and drank both of his Jägers.

– I think I love you too, again, still – I whispered to myself in Hungarian and so if he would happen to hear it he wouldn't even be able to understand it. Sure when he had some free time I could see him reading the Hungarian language-book (it usually was when I was studying for my final exams) and sometimes he even asked me to help but still I was sure he wouldn't know what I was saying.

For some time we were just sitting there gazing each other's eyes trying to find out what the other could think about. I was pretty sure he thought it over again what he had to do; all his second sentences being _But I love her too much for it!_ and maybe once it also flew through his head that _I'm just the shadow of a real man, those would never let their love go without trying everything to keep her!_ while my mind was fulfilled with _How could I fall for him again? He's such an asshole, but such an adorable asshole..._

– Will you dance with me? – he asked and pulled me up from my seat.

– First let me finish my second Hunter – I answered and let the liquid flow down my throat. – But I can't really, khm, _dance_ as they do, writhing definitely isn't my style.

– Just – he began and taking me by waist he started to rub his body against mine – let the whore out of you – he continued and I strongly felt I wanted to kiss him. – I now it's inside, I have experienced – he finished and as he breathed into my open mouth it was suddenly _game over_, I couldn't stand it more and kissed him.

I didn't really know, I still don't, who did it surprise more but he let me do it immediately and even joined my demanding kiss and soon I felt I would explode if I didn't stop this right then or I would undress him and not caring about others or the sharp pain in my belly I make him fuck me like a dirty bitch, exploit my body and take me to the seventh Heaven with his little virgin innocence. Not like I was a big scholar of the topic...

– Stop – I panted back but unfortunately my body disobeyed and directed his hand to places he should had never touched. Not a whole moment later my mind took the control back over my body and my other hand, not really softly, slapped his face.

I wanted to explain him I didn't mean it and that I was sorry for it (but for which one?) but I could just look at him with tearful eyes and shooting my gaze down I left him in the middle of the dance-parquet.

_Why, why do I always have to cause trouble?_

Fighting with my tears I tried to find the restroom to cool my head down a bit. _Jesus, what were I doing? Why did I do so? I should have just told him I thought I loved him too and that he didn't have to do this whole shit for me, I wanted to stay with him (But how? I don't care!), love him forever, bear and raise his children... No. Wait. Trixie, you should just stop daydreaming..._ _But of course I didn't dare, I was a coward just as always and now he must had thought I got crazy or something. Take me to Heaven... tzh, is psychiatry Heaven? Because THEN he shall take me there immediately._

– Jacqueline, asdf... – I could hear some _female beings_ talking in French with each other. This Jacqueline-stuff seemed to be a perfect prostitute but her friend lost only by one point.

– Cvbnm – the bigger bitch glared at me and tossed me further as they went out of the room.

– Whores – I murmured in Hungarian and they glanced back above their shoulders, obviously thinking I apologized in my weird language.

– Bien – she nodded and closed the door behind them.

_What a bitch, what a smug bitch!_

Finally I just washed and cooled my forehead down with my stone cold hands. Calming, sure, they were so but still I felt it wasn't enough, that I needed fresh air to clean my head before I could even look at him again so I started a mission to find a place where I could be outside – and easily let back. Two minutes later I was standing on the balcony where, luckily, wasn't such a big mass (and mess) as it was inside.

– Great, I'm still nervous as Hell – I murmured in Hungarian as I sat near a table where I could be alone 'cause no one needed to be alone as much as I did. I also ordered a beer (that I found _very_ expensive, five Euros for 0.5 litre!) and as soon as I got it I began sipping it. I just wanted something that could tie my mind down for some time.

– Bonsoir, madamoiselle – a charming but young boy greeted me and asked something else too, still in French, pointing at the chair near mine.

– Come, sit down – I leaned backwards and gulped from my drink.

– So you're a foreigner – he summarized as he took a seat next to me.

– Of course I am – I replied. – If I were French I wouldn't be out here but in a place I could actually enjoy being.

– And where would that be? – he raised his eyebrows trying to be sexy.

– Probably in a bed – I said and finished my beer.

– My name's Pierre, it's very _nice_ to meet you – he introduced himself and started caressing my thigh.

– I know I look fabulous you don't have to prove it – I smirked and swept his hand down from me.

– Listen, I like you, don't you want to spend the rest of the night in _my_ bed? – he asked seriously and took me by waist.

– Stop it little boy – I chuckled a bit pompously and got up. – I have way enough problems with men even without you.

– Would you like a cigarette? – he looked at me as a last try with the pack in his hand. It was brand new, no one has opened it yet.

– Only if you have a lighter too – I replied sitting back. I haven't smoked for ages, to be honest I had stopped it after trying weed. It just didn't feel good that I had such a thing in my hands after those experiences. But now I felt I needed it like oxygen.

– And what's your name if I can ask you? – he glanced at me after giving me fire.

– Beatrix – I grinned and leaned back again. Yet I had ordered two beers and for a long time I smoked once more. Never again did I want to be this nervous and moreover drunk as well.

– What a _belle_ name for a _belle_ like you – he answered and petted my face with his long, soft-skinned fingers.

– You would say the same if I were Cruella, right? – I turned to him.

– How can you read my mind? – he widened his eyes in surprise.

– I know boys like you; some of them, unsuccessfully, tried to chat me up in high school. You want to fuck right? – He bowed his head down and we just smoked for some time.

– No, I mean, I have bet with those guys over there to chat up some older woman – he confessed after we got our beers. – They chose you.

– That sucks 'cause I'm here with my boy we just... – I told him as I finished my cigarette and blew smoke out. – let's say fell out with each other on something. – Glancing back over my shoulder I could see there really were some teenagers that now giggled and showed thumbs to Pierre. – But I can make your day if you wish so – I turned back to him and getting up from my seat I moved my head so close to his that first he just stared at me. – Listen, now you take me by waist and stay like this until I sit back down. Then suggest going there and introducing me to them and, well, don't get surprised if I happen to really kiss you. Got it, little boy?

– Ugh, okay then, but don't call me little I'm yet over fourteen!

– Great then being nineteen I'm not a pedo now – I smiled to myself and took a seat.

– Nineteen? – he looked at me astonished.

– Yeah, I'm an old bag – I rolled my eyes.

– No, no, I didn't... where are you from by the way?

– I'm a Hungarian coming from Sweden – I nodded. – Let's go.

Luckily now he knew what he had to do and taking me by waist he led me to his friends. He told them something in French pointing at me and soon I was introduced to Louis, François, Gérard and Marie, who got there later.

– You definitely remind me to someone who's also a foreigner in Sweden – she frowned.

– Hi, I'm Beatrix, Yohio's girlfriend – I stretched my hand that she, after staring at me for nearly a minute, accepted.

– Hello, nice to meet you – she replied still embarrassed.

– Ah, as I can see you've lost this bet – I turned to Pierre standing up. – Next time you'll probably find someone untaken.

– W-wait – Marie reached for my arm. – If you're here... that means...

– Yeah, he's also here, he told me he would come soon I wonder what could have happened. – I fibbed. – Anyways, it was great to meet you all but now I'd better find him. Bye – I waved and left them as soon as possible. _I nearly caused a trouble again, of course, how could I even miss these situations? Fuck you, Kevin, and fuck you, hormones, just fucking fuck you!_

The door closed behind me and I felt the air choking me immediately as I glanced over the tables – at one of them Kevin was sitting but not alone, fucking not alone, he was surrounded by two bitches both trying to seduce him. They were drinking, not even few for some time before I could see one of them who happened to be Jacqueline-from-the-restroom trying to kiss him. I didn't really care when they were grasping his hand and I could stand when they touched this thigh but now it was impossible to keep myself under control so I stormed to their table as to make them finish kissing _my_ boyfriend's body everywhere.

Sure I wanted to make a man out of Kevin but I somehow overshot the mark. I brought the Blond One here to get another girlfriend instead of me and... And I was jealous of Jacqueline and her whore friend. _But how wouldn't I when I loved him?!_

– You now come with me – I grabbed at his shoulder and pulled him out of there.

– Hey, what are you... Au revoire – he turned to them and spent them kisses through the air.

– Man, what had you been doing? – I asked fighting with my urge to slap him. He was grinning at my face and I could see – and also smell – he was drunk.

– Come on I was entertaining well! – he whimpered and I had to make him hug my neck as not to let him fall. – Let me back I must finish it.

– No, you will come home with me and now go lean against the wall over here – I led him nearer the building and leaned his back against it. He tried to tell me something but I didn't care I was too busy with calling a taxi since French accent was horrible.

**– **... you – he mumbled and sank down.

– Come, you must colour the pavement with your gastric acid before the ride home; I won't pay any more money because you vomited in the car. – I helped him getting up and we went somewhere he could do it without annoying anyone or meeting a camera.

– I'm fine, don't... – he disagreed but still his legs weren't strong enough to hold his own weight, all those fifty kilograms.

– Shut up and follow me you bastard, you've put on some weight in the last some months – I scolded him and took him to the first taxi I found. Luckily the driver spoke some English so I could explain him where to go and that if we weren't there within ten minutes I wouldn't pay him any money; then I turned to Kev speaking in Swedish. – For God's sake, what did you think when you let those two prostitutes close to you?

– I had to complete the mission; you turned me down today for the last time. Never again will I give you the opportunity! My heart cannot stand it can't you see?

– I've told you this wouldn't work out haven't I? Why couldn't you guys listen to me just once in your goddamned life?

– What am I... for you... what am I? – he looked up at me.

_Will it ease your heart if I say a drunken swine?_

– Shut your mouth, you mean nothing for me after these!

– You're the most important for me...

– Then why couldn't you understand me, asshole? – I hissed between my teeth. – You know what? Forget everything I did there in the club, you don't even deserve being called a man!

It hurt like Hell telling him these but I decided to use plan B and make people think I couldn't stand the stress being his girl caused to me and that was the cause of our break up.

When we got home I went for having a hot bath 'cause that could always calm me down and make my belly stop aching; I needed it again and now Pierre wasn't here to offer me a cigarette. I've just started to enjoy the water when Kevin stormed into the bathroom yet seeming more sober.

– What are you... – I couldn't finish the sentence because he kissed me long and passionately; just like hours ago. His left hand was in my hair and his right on my waist in the water; I felt my whole body getting goosebumps as he moved his hand and lips over me.

– Don't ask anything just come, as soon as you can – he panted and left.

I couldn't see it well because he was wearing his favourite white jeans (those were luckily clean) but I was sure that he desired me. Desired me a lot.

Some minutes later I stepped into the room and I could begin smelling flowers, more concretely rose. It was dark (and I was still a bit drunk) but I could see the red blossoms clearly, they covered the whole floor but there was a stripe where their rug was thicker and the white blanket with all the pillows were covered with blossoms. I looked at Kevin totally lost and as an answer he just held my hand.

– You shouldn't think that I would have made it for any of them. They were good for either forgetting you or collecting enough self-confidence but I know I messed it up. And now... I just can't do anything with myself... – he said and took me by waist still glancing at my eyes with glittering gaze. – And... I know I'm the one, the virgin, to whom this is a present but also I'm the man so I think...

– Shut up – I pushed my fingers onto his mouth. – It's just perfect like this – I smiled with teardrops in my eyes and hugged his neck.

He kissed me and we began our short way together on the blossom-road not daring to break the kiss because both of us were afraid it wouldn't continue if just once we paused it. When we reached the bed we fell into it and still not taking air we continued kissing in silence. We were longing for each other for way too long time but we feared each other as well so it took a while before we began taking each other's clothes off getting more and more space to place our kisses on the soft skin of the other's neck, arms, shoulders, back and chest.

– Can we do this? – he asked breaking the silence before removing my last piece of clothing.

– Sure – I breathed making him kiss me gently and taking my panties off.

– But we have no prote... – he said between two kisses realizing there was something wrong and that we _maybe_ should stop.

– I fucking don't care I want you now... – I panted pulling him back.

As I opened my eyes I could see him smiling famished for me and he tenderly kissed my neck before doing anything else. And from now the night's happenings shall be covered by balladic obscurity...

Next morning I woke up in an unknown bed. I stretched and turned to my other side and immediately saw the most unbelievable thing I could – Kevin smiling at me with his angelic smile that I haven't seen for months.

– Good morning, Princess – he greeted me –, have you slept well? – He wanted to hug me under the blanket making me realize that both of us were naked.

– What have we done? – I could hear my own voice saying the words but secretly I knew the answer. _I knew..._

– Can't you remember? – he asked while playing with my hair.

– Uhm… not really – I replied and rubbed my eyes. – I can only remember you were with two whores and that I was mad at you, nothing else. I don't know how we got home and I have even less ideas about what happened here...

– Haven't you got a clue what two naked people could have done at night? – he raised his eyebrows getting even more cute.

– I have but… we really had… sex last night?

– Yeah, Princess, you gave me the opportunity to lose my virginity last night and as being a man I accepted – he said and began caressing my face.

– So you fucked my damned body senseless? – I yelled getting up fast.

– No, please, don't misunderstand me – he drew me back to the bed. – I wanted to say that you helped me to become a real man. Thank you. – He wanted to kiss me but I drew away from him. I felt being an instrument he used to reach his goal. – But as I can see you really can't remember the romantic night we've spent together. Would you like a reminder? – he smirked and embraced my waist.

– What do you think, I'm your employee! – I recoiled.

– No, dear, we broke the most important boss-employee rule long-long time ago: when we became friends – he stated and I had to admit for myself that he was right. – I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you... – he whispered into my ears and pressed his face into my hair.

– I... – I sighed and began caressing his hair. – I really wish to stay in this peace with you.

I felt he was thinking about just the same as he wrapped his arms around me and now I finally let him kiss my body anywhere he wanted. He chose my neck again.

– Why did you finally give up your fight against me? – he asked after he got fed up with petting the kitten lost inside of me; or just with the silence between us.

– Because I was drunk and now no one came to interrupt us – I chuckled and although it was obvious that I was just pulling his leg he got huffy immediately. – Hey, I was just kidding, don't you do this – I laughed and kissed the soft skin behind his ear. – I don't actually know why I did so – I confessed. – I felt I've been longing for you for a long time, then you were with those things and I got mad. But gazing around you must have been very romantic so I suspect that was the real cause.

– I can become even more romantic now – he let out a small, pale, relieved laughter and began tickling my nose with a red blossom he had just got some moments earlier.

– No, I don't want it now – I stretched. – Maybe a week later...

– Don't you be this cruel that I have to wait a whole week for you, let's do it now...

– Dream, Prince – I grinned and got up as to wash down the sweat that probably dried onto my body last night; and getting dressed wasn't a bad idea either.

– Then at least let me take a shower with you – he asked me.

– You don't want to see that may come out of my body just in some hours – I winked and taking some clothes with me I went to the bathroom as to clean myself. For nearly an hour I was there enjoying the hot water until my skin got wrinkled from the lack of the fat in it. Then as I stood up I felt Santa arriving and sighing relieved I reached for a tampon. _Kevin won't be able to bother me for seven days, how great! But what if it was good to be with him even for me? No, it can't happen it won't ever be good, that's only for causing problems._

– If only you got ready; I must go there too – he welcomed me and we swapped rooms.

– Listen, can I ask you something? – I questioned him through the door.

– Wait a minute and I'll be out – he answered and so I sat onto the bed, thinking about how I should start. It was about seven in the morning when we woke up and we had to leave until ten, and even the flight took off at one so we really had time to talk.

– I'm listening to you – he said when he came out and he took a seat near me, then made me place my legs in his lap and bow my head onto his shoulder.

– I... I just wanted to know that... you know, last night, you and me... was it good? – I took the question finally not daring to look at him but I could feel his heart beating faster.

– I enjoyed it like nothing else – he said and kissed my hair.

– And... for me?

– You didn't seem to hate the situation you got into, more concretely it were you who asked me to continue when we could have stopped – he chuckled.

– And why would have we stopped? – I got curious.

– I had no rubber with me – he confessed.

– I hope you pulled yourself out of me before you reached your climax – I said immediately.

– Yeah, something like that, as I can remember – he bowed his head down.

– I don't really wish to be in sweet three in the next some years so please strain your little mind and reassure me about your perfect memory.

– It will be just you and me and Luna in the next some years if you wish so – he said after a sigh and he made me calm.

And even I was menstruating so I couldn't be pregnant could I? Either way I didn't want him getting used to being this irresponsible, I thought I would somehow survive these some weeks and as soon as it turned out I wasn't pregnant I would let him make love with me but not earlier. This would be the penalty for his sin.

– What are you thinking about this hard? – he asked as I didn't react.

– Remember why I haven't wanted to do it right? – I looked up at him after some more minutes of silence, with my eyes in tears. I felt I couldn't keep it inside more. I didn't want to lie more to him.

– Problems with condom, I've read it. Ah, no, don't you cry, no problem, ssh – he pulled me close to his chest and caressed my hair.

– T-that day I didn't tell you ev... everything because I didn't want to... to scare you...

– I could never be scared of you, not because I know you for real. I've read about your real feelings and since then I cannot help loving you.

– You don't know everything about me, no, you don't know anything about me, not about who I used to be and what I've done before I've come here. You don't know anything about my biggest sin; all those who know are yet dead!

– Don't you tell me you used to murder people – he chuckled but immediately realized as well that it wasn't the time for jokes.

– ... I killed her! – I sipped my tears.

– WHAT?! – he widened his eyes and moved me a bit further from him as to be able to look in my dead frozen eyes. – What did you just say?

– It was me, my sin, I was just seventeen and so desperate that I couldn't chose anything else than killing her! – I began my confession and now that I started to speak about it nothing could stop me. – First I just told Danny about it then he advised to tell it our parents who helped to fix the problem but by killing her I also killed a part of my own soul!

– Stop, stop, stop, wait a minute, who the Hell are you talking about? – he asked calmly.

– ... but I knew Ivor would leave me if he got to know I was pregnant!

– W-H-A-T? – he gawped in surprise.

– You heard well, I was pregnant and I killed my own daughter, by own blood! – I cried and stormed into the bathroom as to be able to be alone. No, I actually didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to face this feeling again but I also didn't dare look at his eyes knowing that he knew everything about me and my past and those stupid things I did back then. I felt I was a horrible person he shouldn't had met ever and that he deserved better than me. But what if I loved him like nothing else? If I couldn't erase his protecting arms from my mind? The arms those were always there for me when I needed them, and his calming voice saying nonsenses to me whenever I needed to hear them... those arms embracing me and...

– I know you didn't have another choice – I heard him whispering into my ears. – I would never leave you because of this, even if I had been sixteen I wouldn't have done.

– You can't know what you would do until you get into the same situation. I'm personally sure I would somehow try to raise my child even if I stayed alone – I said staring out of my head with determined eyes.

– We should pack our things in – he said some minutes later and as he released me it felt like Hell itself. _I don't want you to go..._

– Sure – I replied and reached for his hand as to kiss it thankfully. He caressed my face as a response.

We both stood up and began picking up things those were ours and taking them into our luggage. It took a whole hour and we didn't really communicate with each other meanwhile apart from saying _I think it's yours _every single time we found something belonging to the other one. I was wondering what my life would be like from now that everyone thought I was his girl for some more time and how would we be able to break up (I didn't believe he could love me after the things he heard) and I guessed his thoughts were fulfilled with such things as well. _How weird..._

– I must call Dad and tell him this didn't work out – he said yet with our things packed in. I could see on him he wasn't sure what to tell him, that three hours ago he was more sure about everything; when I was yet asleep, probably in his arms.

– Do that – I agreed and sat near him while he was dialling. – What will you tell him? How are we actually with each other?

– Yeah? – I could hear a low male voice.

– Dad? – Kevin asked and a moment later his father continued apprehensively.

– What's the problem, children?

– Dad, we couldn't accomplish the mission – he said gravely.

– Great, then what will you do? – the other man asked cheerless.

– Stay together? – I suggested suddenly not even knowing what I was saying. – But only if that's okay for both of you, too – I added.

– Woohoo – I heard Tommy screaming in enthusiasm. – Are you serious?

– Hey, would you listen to me please? What do you think about this idea? – my flatmate asked immediately.

– Of course, say it – his manager answered less cheerfully.

– Last night we did everything we were supposed to – he began and yet I could see what he wanted from the grin growing on his face. – But with someone we wouldn't expect.

– Don't you tell me...

– But yes – he laughed and wrapped an arm around my waist. – I've made her mine!

– No, you are mine but I'm no one's – I stuck my tongue out and kissed his lips.

– Okay, young dove-pair, I let you coo, bye – Tommy chuckled and hung up.

– Ahm, we're not even a dove-pair – he said between two kisses and brought me down to the bed. – If we were we wouldn't have suffered this much before this.

– Hey, hey, hey, stop, we have to go, it's half past nine, we must leave...

– Mmh, no – he replied simply and continued kissing me and caressing my side.

– But yes, we have to – I disagreed but my body obeyed him and I was kissing him like I couldn't do anything else in this world. – Okay, enough, enough, let's go...

– Ah, just a bit more, one more minute and we can leave...

– Yet that would be the one after the last one...

– Just a bit more, let me embrace you for a bit more time... I still can't believe it's true, that you're... with me – he confessed and stopped pushing his lips against mines and just hugged me not willing to let me ever. – Let's go – he said a minute later.

– What's this big change? – I smirked at him.

– I can't promise not raping you if we stay – he winked and getting up we went down to the reception desk as to leave.

We still had two hours to get to the airport so Kevin decided to feed me with French food. It, of course, wasn't a problem, I even wanted to have something non-Asian, in the last two days he always took me to Asian restaurants and I wanted to have some at least European dishes to eat. I missed potatoes and, I had never thought I would say it one day, pasta as well.

– Will you from now let me kiss, embrace, pet you whenever I want to? – he asked while we were going to the airport.

– Hm, we will see, you have to be good or I won't even let you look at me – I said playfully and kissed him. – And you don't want that, right?

– Then I'd be a rebel cheat who never obeys – he joined my game and started to tickle me.

– No, no, no, stop it, stop, you...

– We're here – the driver said and we had to take off and continue our weird game outside his car. I could understand him, in other case also I'd be fed up with us.

– And now we just have to find our flight... – he stated and soon his face became nervous. – I slept last night so I won't be able to do it on the way home, shit!

– I'll be there with you so don't you panic – I smiled at him and grasped his hand.

– Still I'll try to get some rest so please don't wake me up before we reach Stockholm...

– Okay then I will have to study about Shakespeare and other poets...

– Which work did you plan for today?

– I'll finish Hamlet and if I have time probably start Romeo And Juliet – I shrugged and took out the books with me. – Remember, I've bought all compulsory reading I would need for my final exams – I reminded him for our visit in Hungary. – But I hope more for the Tragedy Of Man than Le Père Goriot for example...

– Hey don't you curse my mother – he laughed and dug me. – Go get drown in your books instead and try to bear that a perfection walking on two legs is sitting near you.

– Perfection, eh? – I chuckled. – I didn't even know that I could sit near myself on a plane!

– You... – he started but he couldn't continue so we both just burst out in laughter. – I love you – he finished like it was something he could beat me with.

– I loved you earlier – I whispered him and he shut his mouth up knowing that I won this battle. Just as always...

I could successfully finish Hamlet, Prince of Denmark and the most important parts of Romeo and Juliet, that I didn't like that much; Hamlet was my favourite Shakespeare-work.

It was at least 10°C-s colder in Sweden if not more but it felt like _the temperature of home_ for me so I guess Kevin was like _Jesus how could I even stand that hot there?_

About an hour later we were walking home holding hands and grinning like idiots so people could be sure that something had changed while we were away.

Everything was perfect and all until we got home and faced the newest problem we had to solve...

– Oh my, what are you doing here? – I ran to Sebastian who was sitting in our door, apparently waiting for us, with a pillow under his head.

– Do you know for how long have I been waiting for you? – he looked up at me with empty eyes. _Something was wrong with him..._

– You should have called us at least – Kevin scolded his best friend and asked me to take him in while he dealt with the luggage of we three. I literally followed his instruction and taking Sebbie into my arms I brought him inside and placed him onto the sofa.

– What happened that you're here? – I asked him.

– My parents fucked me out of the house – he said senseless and as he could see our curious faces he continued. – Vanessa moved far away from me for good and told me not to keep in touch with each other that I felt I couldn't get over if I stayed sober. Then as I went home I found all my clothes and smaller personal things in those two suitcases with a message telling me my mother got fed up with me going to parties and making carousals at home all the damned time because it was always her who had to clean up the bathroom and the whole house at all and so they decided to let me go; I had friends and job so I would be able to settle down somewhere, and I immediately thought you wouldn't let me suffer on the street. Who the heck thought you wouldn't be at home?

– Man, it was pretty obvious we weren't here – Kevin told him and sat down.

– And what has happened to you so far, could you finally fuck her? – Seb chuckled and I felt it was time to go and discover the fridge's contents and give the poor boy something to eat.

– You know – I could hear the older male's voice as I went back with some sandwiches I could make fast. Originally I had planned to go back as soon as I gave them food but what I heard from him made me curious. – Women are good for nothing, they are unreliable cruel bitches, one breaks your heart, the other throws you out of your home... I have decided, I need no more women in my life, I'll become gay!

– I can lend you Kevin sometimes if you wish – I chuckled and gave him the plate.

– Don't you make a joke out of it, that's my resort – he replied gravely. – And I was being serious I will be homosexual and no one can stop me from it!

– I know what two things you need now – I looked at him apprehensively and told them I went to do some shopping: the most important item I was going to get was alcohol for my poor elder brother who was suffering from love. While I went to the shop I called Vannie and interrogated her about everything. I shouted her head off as a beginning.

– You can't imagine the pain I felt when I had to look into those green eyes and tell him it was over. I broke up with him! – she said crying into the phone.

– Well, you couldn't really break up since you weren't even together – I _calmed her down._ – I would say you boorly turned him down forever.

– That's even worse! – she continued crying, even stronger than before.

– Keep cool, hey, I was just kidding... based on our relationship let you go any far from him if he wants to have you by his side then he will, no matter what he has to survive for you.

– But... you've always been there for Yohio... – she sipped her tears.

– You don't know how far our souls were from each other... and I wish you would never know – I mumbled. – But why couldn't you tell him you loved him but you knew it wouldn't work so you shouldn't continue it?

– Did it work for you? – she asked a bit hysterically. – He still tries to keep you while you keep running away from him and when one of you gets bored of it you switch roles.

– Not anymore, but it's not something we should discuss now, I pay right now, wait a minute... – I said and gave the shop assistant they money she asked for. – I'm here – I told Van. – What have we been talking about?

– You and Kevin – she said.

– Ah, it's not important now. Call Seb and tell him what's the situation because I bring him vodka just right now I can't stand seeing him suffer this much.

– And don't you think I suffer?

– If only I could go to you and let you cry on my shoulder – I expressed my wish. – I know you have no one for you but I hope you will survive.

– Carina promised me to fly here and if she caught the flight she wanted that would mean... Sorry I have to hang up she's calling me. Thank you for everything – she finished our call. _I really hope Carina got there and asked her to let her in..._

As I got home I could see the two blonds watching the My Fair Lady with ice cream and popcorn. Their faces as they totally worked themselves up to the story made me smile.

– Hello guys I've brought your vodka and beer – I said as to make them notice me.

– Ssh, the old dick and Audrey Hepburn are arguing – they whispered sticking on the screen and so I wasn't allowed to say any more words or I would be dead rapidly. Instead I gave them some beer and made some rabid dog that I was missing very much. How great it was that we had tabasco at home so I only had to buy some orange for it...

– Can I join? – I asked them when I had already finished steaming vegetables so now I could give them warm food.

– Ssh – they hissed, that for a short while took my willingness to serve them anything but the pleasure they obviously had when they tasted what they got compensated me for everything.

As we got closer and closer to the end of the film I could see their eyes slowly filling with tears and finally I was the one who gave them shoulders to cry on. _Déjà vu..._

We finished the film around eight; then Kevin decided to work, I tried to learn so Sebbie could only drink and talk to Luna in the kitchen. _We will be just Kevin, Luna and I, eh? Soon we will be a zoo with a dog, an ape and two stubborn mules!_

**14****th**** July, 2014.**

Sniff-sniff... _What is this smell?_ Sniff-sniff...

– Kevin... – I murmured drowsily and reached for my precious's hand. – Kevin... where are you...? Ah... – I sighed and getting up I had to realize he was nowhere. _What..._

I rubbed my eyes and took on a pair of jeans before lumbering to the kitchen where I betted the guys were.

– OH MY DEAR GOD! – I screamed as I could see the rippling smoke flying out from the kitchen. _Kevin, why did I forbid you cooking, why, if you never listen to me?_

– Hi – Sebastian waved wearing my apron and removed the pan from the gas. – I wanted to thank you by making breakfast but as you can see...

– Next time wake me up when you're hungry. Where's Kevin? – I yawned.

– Yohio is on the toilet; he dared to taste my food.

– Congrats – I laughed and took a sponge. – Now I can do the dishes before making something that is really edible.

– Can I help with something? – he asked, seemingly willing to help.

– To be honest it would be great if you did the washing up instead of me – I yawned and sat down. – Thank you, meanwhile I start to... Good morning, Kevin!

– Sebbie, you should never ever cook again – he growled.

– In this case don't marry him – I laughed. – What do you want to have?

– Haha, really funny – he said sending me an "I'm too weak to kill you now but I will make up for it!"-gaze.

– I know – I grinned and decided to make some tea first of all. – Will toast be good?

– Perfect – he answered and took a seat as to be able to elbow on the table.

– Captain Hero? – I turned to Seb who was dealing with cleaning the plates.

– Eh, what?

– Toast? – I asked again.

– Yeah, sure, but why am I Captain Hero?

– You're another person in the house, darling – I informed him and started to make our breakfast. – Not like it was a problem that you're here.

– It can't be since it will be me who marries Yohio – he replied trying to surpass me.

– I don't really mind it if I can stay his mistress – I joined his game.

– What would you say for a sweet three? – he raised his eyebrows as he finished with his part of housework.

– No, thanks, you two can do anything you want but please send me the video afterwards – I winked. – I wonder if he would scream my name or not...

– Tz, my hetero common-law would never scream any other name than mine while I'm inside of that lil' fag's ass!

– Seb, last time you told me it would be me who's the male! – Kevin woke up and didn't want to be left out. – Come here, you little asshole, sit into my laps and get loose!

– Hm, you like sexy hairy male assholes, hm?

– Yummy as Hell – he chuckled while Sebastian's butt really ended up in his laps; and not because the older one wanted it...

– Hey, man what are you...

– Shut up and make me glad you male whore!

– Grr, let me lick your balls and tickle your nipples! – And this was the moment when I finally looked at them and saw as Seb moved in my boyfriend's laps like he really wanted him to fuck him. _Jesus_, I thought, _these aren't sane!_

– Hm, I knew you would know how I liked it! – Kevin told him making me burst out in laughter.

– Come on baby, fuck my ass!

– As you like it!

– Boys, boys, cool down, I want to eat – I said as I sat down near them.

– Don't you dare say you find it disgusting, our love is pure like first love itself – Sebastian glared at me and then looked into the eyes of my boy.

– Yeah, sure, darling, I've been loving you since we met... – Kevin continued.

– No, please, I can't eat while I laugh my head off – I begged them but they didn't seem to even listen to me. – Okay, Captain, get down from him and...

– But no, I don't want to! – he disobeyed.

– I swear you can go back but only after finishing with breakfast! Good boys get other good boys into their asses but bad boys get girls there!

– Okay, you've persuaded me – he answered immediately and sat onto my other side as to be able to annoy me when they held hands with each other behind my back and fed each other in front of my face. Once I tried to steal a bite from Kevin but he pulled it back and yelled at me that what did I even think about myself and would I be this heartless that I didn't let this poor boy get enough energy.

– Okay, keep me as a housekeeper, sleep with me, exploit me and love him I don't even fucking care but please let me eat in peace and continue this act only when my belly is full! – I shouted reaching my top and I even stood up readily to leave.

– Hey, baby, we were just kidding – Kevin reached out for my hand but I pulled it out of his grasp. – Hey – he said calmly and so I couldn't help looking down at his eyes.

– Hh – I sighed and took a seat again. – Sorry, I'm more irritable when I'm hungry.

– Never mind – my love calmed me and taking me by waist he placed a soft kiss onto my lips those had just told rude things about him.

– Stop it, we might hurt your hetero common-law's feelings – I chuckled and winked at him.

– Don't even care about me, I've just been thrown out by two women...

– You know it sounds like you've had two at the same time... – I frowned.

– I won't ever fall in love again it's too hard to get rid of your feelings.

– Let's go and have a drink, what do you think? – I suggested pretty seriously.

– We've tried yesterday but unfortunately my problems know how to swim – he replied gazing the empty plate in front of him with eyes full of nothing.

– Shall I tell you something that would surely deflect you attention? – I asked smiling angelically and as he looked at me and nodded I thought I should continue. – Housework!

– Haha, very funny – he bowed his head down.

– It wasn't a joke, when you have something to do you won't think about these things as much as you do now. Bored people have too much time to think and they usually reach bad consequences. You could help with doing these dishes, you're so talented in that! Make yourself useful or find another free-apartment. Thanks – I grinned and took my boy's hand.

– You haven't been too kind with him... – he told me when we got into his room.

– I know, but we've just got each other and yet we have someone third and unwanted here, somehow I had to tell him not to steal you from me forever, at least for some short time.

– You know he's my best friend and I simply can't leave him in fix; and also you brought Vanessa here about half a year ago when _I_ wanted to be with you. Why does it always have to be like you want it?

– It doesn't have to but don't you tell me it doesn't annoy you that we have no spare time for each other because we have to nurse his soul all the time.

– I'm all yours in the night, always just yours.

– Yeah, when he doesn't knock on our door in every fifth minute that he feels alone. Believe me I don't say these because I hate him or something but because I want you to be mine just for a little while whenever I want, like we were a _real_ pair. But I feel we will never be.

– How can you say that, for more than a whole day we are a pair, Princess – he purred into my ears and I had a strong urge to become one with him by a kiss; that I decided to observe.

– Hm, why do I have to wait a whole week for you when I want you this bad right now?

– Well, about that thing... – I began by stopping our kiss. – I think we should wait a month instead, you know, first I want to be sure I'm not pregnant or anything. Until then I can offer my hands or mouth.

– You're so cruel but if it makes you happy... – he smiled caressing my arm softly.

– I'm very sorry, Kevin... – I apologized because I knew how much he regretted it; also I did so but I wanted to be sure he didn't fuck me irresponsibly before I could trust him that much again. I had to be sure.

– I like the way you pronounce my name, I feel I start loving it only because of that, Beatrix.

– But I don't sympathize with you when talking about my name... – I informed him.

– You're my bringer of joy – he hugged me and whispered into my ears. – I love you.

– I love you too – I hugged back and kissed his neck – that was the only part of his body that I could reach while hugging and all.

– Do you know that you haven't told me this for more than five months? Even when we made love you were silent about it. Does it hurt to say it this much?

– Haven't I? – I asked, mainly from myself. – I can say it as many times as you want as to assure you – I looked into his eyes readily to begin.

– Trixie, I've finished, what should I do now? – Sebbie asked opening the door.

– You've broken the appeal of the moment – Kev looked at him speaking with his murderously low voice. _Rest in peace, Seb, I will miss you._

– Kevin, let him have his life, we can spend time together later – I sighed and went out of the room as to help Sebastian learning to use the washing machine and listen to his cries.

– Why do I have to love her? Why do I love her still? – he asked sitting on the top of the machine that cleaned our clothes.

– I don't know – I sighed for the tenth time in the last five minutes. – It helped Kevin to write a song about it and burn the paper but I don't know if it would help you too.

– I'm not sure. Maybe a letter – he looked at me. – Could you give me a pen and paper?

– Well we have time before it finishes – I shrugged and left the room. – Where are you, man? – I turned back and smiled at him who followed me scraping his nape.

As we got into my room I looked for a blank sheet and a pen that later I pushed into his hands, then left him saying _tell me when you've finished and we can go burn it somewhere_, and searched for Kevin to inform him about the newest pieces of news.

– I really hope it will help him too – he said holing my hand.

– It surely will but I guess we shouldn't let him drink again, it was enough yesterday.

– Oh, come on, let's party all the time!

– And as you imagine it. He himself said that his problems knew how to swim so trying to drown them wouldn't work – I replied gazing the wall.

– Let's not talk about him at least until he leaves us alone – he took me by waist and pulled me closer, touching my nose with his. – You said you would assure me about your love by saying you love me as many times as I want. 6*10^23. You can start.

– I love you too much – I laughed and kissed him not caring about how much he disagreed and pulled his head away from me.

– Hey... don't... please... let me... at least... breath!

– No way – I answered and pulled him onto the bed to the top of me. – Would you like to play with me? – I raised my eyebrows mischievously and I could see he approved the idea from the growing grin on his face.

– Hey, guys, I've finished! – Sebbie said as he stormed into the room. Without knocking. We had to pull our hands out of the other's clothing.

– Well, okay... – I mumbled pulling my tee down to my belly; I didn't want to hurt him, now it was Kevin's time to talk with him about his behaviour, he was his _bestie_ after all.

– Next time knock before coming in – he glanced at Seb and stood up. – And I think we shall make a sign onto the door to leave us alone.

– Okay, sorry, I'm just used to that I can come at any time, you know – he apologized.

– Then get used to the thought of the fact that from now I don't want to share everything with you.

– So you say you break up with me? – Sebastian asked widening his eyes in surprise.

– Yeah, I've changed you to Trixie, she sucks better! – Kev told him and so I could be sure they were just playing; I've never sucked him.

– Also you break my heart; Trixie, protect me! – he ran to me and kneeling down he bowed his head onto my chest.

– Kevin, you're so evil – I said by petting Seb's hair who, I felt, was laughing silently.

– Yes, you are, you don't want to share these boobies with me! – he turned to my boy still hugging me.

– Get down from my whore and find another one for yourself! – he responded and pulled him away from me. – These are mine – he continued and held my breasts.

– No, they are mine and I'm not a... but okay, I'm a whore – I jumped up and began petting my own breasts just as to make the boys jealous.

– Okay, enough for today – Kevin laughed and held my hand; then turned to Sebbie. – Let's go and burn your problems in a place where we won't be denounced for arson.

We found the seaside an ideal place but first we had to find a part of it where there were less people watching us because we didn't want to make it public that Yohio, his girlfriend and his best friend are burning up a paper sheet. Very mistakable.

Finally we didn't take alcohol with us but dipped the paper into gasoline and lit it on the bare ground. We were standing there silently and watched as the wind blew the embers into the sea – the only remains of his sorrow finally got drown in the Gulf of Bothnia. I could see some relief in his eyes so also I felt much better.

– Let's go home and help me making lunch then both of you must go to work, god damn it! Also I have to study for my final exams so I will need silence from you two.

– Shall I take Luna with me? – Kevin offered graciously.

– That would be great – I said and as I could see Sebastian being a bit gloomy I hugged his shoulder and walked to the car with him. It was Kevin who drove home.

**19****th**** July, 2014.**

Yesterday Seb moved to Tiias and so we got our flat a hundred per cent back – but it felt a bit empty. Sure we both enjoyed the silence from his cries about being bored but we also waited for the day when he would move to the flat for rent nearby and so he could come visit us every day he wanted but still he wouldn't annoy us.

Without him I could literally hear the silence in the dark – and it was also weird that no one knocked on the door during the whole night and when I woke up Kevin was still near me. I haven't experienced it for a long while.

**30****th**** July, 2014.**

Kevin told me he was asked if he wanted to do some acting (which idea he was obsessed with) and so it seemed that if he got the role then he would have much less free time since he also wanted to debut a girls' group named Lovelipop (with Lilin in the front) and an old classmate of his named Oskar.

Then he will have much less time for me! Uh, never mind, he has to take care of his _children_ at the company first, I'm here only to support him emotionally that I know he needs like oxygen.

**8****th**** August, 2014.**

Today wasn't my favourite day of the year at all, Kevin and I fell out with each other very much, I finally didn't even sleep with him at night.

He didn't fall head over heels when I told him Santa hasn't visited me yet and so he had to wait at least one more week; also I was nervous because of that but what could I do? It had some more days to arrive and based on the last month it could be a whole week late.

**13****th**** August, 2014.**

It seems Kevin will get the role of Linus in a new thriller-drama called Jordskott (English: Earth Shots). He also told me that if I didn't want to learn something I didn't like at university then he could make me debut as an actress someday; as my Swedish was pretty good but I didn't seem Swedish at all I would be able to play foreigners in films... and my voice was horrible so I couldn't join any groups or anything at all. I said I would think it over but first I had to concentrate on my studies.

**14****th**** August, 2014.**

I've never wanted to become a professional actress (although I usually did acting in plays when I was yet at grammar school and later at high school I did some as well) but nowadays I was playing more and more with this thought. There was nothing else that moved my fantasy, I didn't want to be a policewoman, a doctor, veterinarian, lawyer, accountant, journalist or anything like that. Not even author how most diary-keepers imagined their lives – I didn't have false dreams like I would be able to make a living if I just published books, especially if I had to write about things I didn't like or agree with but I knew most people would adore since it was easily understandable for everyone even with low IQ. I was more realistic than that but I also didn't want a job where I had to work with everyone and anyone; maybe this acting would be something I even liked. Like... I've already done it at school and in Sweden I was also acting for seven months, why wouldn't it work?

**18****th**** August, 2014.**

I'm not feeling well, I should go visit the doctor... but I don't even feel well enough for that. What a luck Kevin is at work all day today (again), I may be better tomorrow and I don't want him to worry over me or my state.

**19****th**** August, 2014.**

After three days he finally came home – but only to take some clean clothes with him and leave the dirty ones at home. He didn't even ask how I was, just kissed my forehead and asked me to wash his clothes; then left. His face looked very haggard so I didn't force him talk with me but gave him some of the chocolate cookie I had just made – I felt my head would explode from all the smartness I tried to keep inside until finished my exams if I didn't do something else and I was longing for this sweetness.

**10****th**** September, 2014.**

Nor Kevin neither I have wanted to have sex in the last some months, we rarely saw each other, I felt like I was a housekeeper – and when we accidentally met and even had time to spend with each other we were both so tired that after sharing two kisses we fell asleep. He worked and I was studying, or at least trying to learn what I needed to know. Not the most pleasant beginning for a relationship, is it?

**30****th**** September, 2014.**

Still no sex, Kevin started to work on Jordskott and so he came home even less times than before... I feel I start getting insane! And as I fly to Hungary tomorrow as to spend some time with my grandmother and friends before I started the exam-weeks I won't see him for a month.

**1****st**** October, 2014.**

Got here safe and sound and although I had been reading in Hungarian in the last three months I felt I couldn't speak the language when I first had to use it. I wanted to buy a ticket in Swedish first, then I opened my mouth for English before I could say it in Hungarian. I was a disaster walking on two legs today.

**5****th**** October, 2014.**

Yet I got used to speaking my own language and although I feel I don't know anything at all I'm sure I will be able to pass the exams with pretty good scores. First day we have Literature and Grammar, then History, then Maths and then English and on the last day of the week I will write the test of the chosen subject that is Swedish for me; both the languages on advanced level, I like challenges.

**20****th**** October, 2014.**

Oral exams today, as soon as I finish I will have to go to Budapest and complete the Swedish. Stella is at university there and she offered me to spend a day at her flat if I wanted. Most of the guys stayed here after high school but she had different plans – those were useful for me.

**30****th**** October, 2014.**

I finally passed all my exams with pretty good scores, the worst ordinary-level test became 75% and both the languages were better than 80% – that, counting they were advanced-level exams were damned good numbers.

Immediately after getting my transcript I went back to Budapest and took my plane home.

**1****st**** November, 2014.**

When I got home yesterday late in the evening Kevin wasn't there and when he fell home today he didn't greet me just nodded acknowledging I was there and fell into the bed although I wanted to tell him something. What happened while I wasn't at home? Does he even love me still?

**2****nd**** November, 2014.**

I have decided to cause the least amount of problems to you – with leaving you, probably forever. Kevin, forgive me for torturing your heart for this long time and please, only think of me and the time you have spent with me like it was a nightmare. I know I can't hear your promise but I leave this diary here for you, please, document it here. I wasn't the most accepting girlfriend on this earth; I'm totally aware of it. I tried my best but I couldn't give you everything I wanted (and you deserved) so I ran away, hopefully for the last time in my life. I wish you will find someone who tolerates not seeing you more than I've done. I just want someone who's always there for me and I doubt you could stand my hysterics for long.

With endlessly flowing love

Beatrix, your personal joybringer

Ps.: don't you feel that depressed, I hate crying men so I offer you playing a game: if you find me before the first anniversary of our first meeting I will be yours again.

_Sorry, I can't promise forgetting you ever... because I won't be able to._

_Kevin_

**_5_****_th_****_ November, 2014._**

_Why didn't you go to the most logical place?_

**_6_****_th_****_ November, 2014._**

_I must find you._

**_7_****_th_****_ November, 2014._**

_Be my Desdemona!_

**_9_****_th_****_ November, 2014._**

_How the Hell did you mean that quote? Why didn't you come?_

**_12_****_th_****_ November, 2014._**

You can hide but you will never escape.

**_14_****_th_****_ November, 2014._**

_Why didn't you lie instead?_

**_15_****_th_****_ November, 2014._**

_You will be loved... just let me find you._

**_15_****_th_****_ December, 2014._**

_I'm coming just be there and wait in peace!_

**_18_****_th_****_ December, 2014._**

_I hate Shakespeare._

**_19_****_th_****_ December, 2014._**

_I adore Shakespeare!_

**_22_****_nd_****_ December, 2014._**

_So you hid here..._


	13. Extra - Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

When I got home on that exact day I was fighting with some kind of weird feeling, like I felt aware of what I had to face when stepping into my flat. But it still surprised me and I wasn't enthusiastic with it, not in the least. _How did she know when I needed her the most? And why?_ These, and other similar thoughts were zigzagging in my mind and I couldn't get rid of them either for a second, not even when later I wanted to get some sleep.

Opening the door Luna ran to me happily and I petted her head as a greeting. I felt more alive than in the last some weeks so I had planned to spend a romantic night with the love of my life before going back to work tomorrow but I found her nowhere. Even not smelling something tasty was weird when I arrived this early, she had always made me dinner, even when I got home very late or I happened to have some free hours to go home and she was sleeping yet I could find something edible in the fridge waiting for me, but now it was empty. I ran to her room predicting she would lie on the floor unconsciously but the sight that welcomed me was even more horrible. Her clothes and other personal objects were nowhere but her diary lay on the desk, opened on the last page. It made me relieved for some moments, _she would never go anywhere without her diary_, I thought. I was so wrong.

Then I stepped there and started to read it.

"**30****th**** October, 2014.**

I finally passed all my exams with pretty good scores, the worst ordinary-level test became 75% and both the languages were better than 80% – that, counting they were advanced-level exams were damned good numbers.

Immediately after getting my transcript I went back to Budapest and took my plane home." _Congrats, Darling, you're so smart! I'm proud of you, I know you were studying for these exams for a long time and now it turned out that it was totally worth it!_

"**1****st**** November, 2014.**

When I got home yesterday late in the evening Kevin wasn't there and when he fell home today he didn't greet me just nodded acknowledging I was there and fell into the bed although I wanted to tell him something. What happened while I wasn't at home? Does he even love me still?" _I was tired I just got home from film shooting and didn't feel strong enough either for opening my mouth. Thank you for not bothering me; but of course I love you, I still love you very much, how can you think I do not? I can't even imagine a more perfect girlfriend than you, even with your faults you're the best for me. Now it seems the thing you wanted to tell me must wait for some time._

And now my smile froze on my face and slowly changed into the expression of unexplainable pain and sorrow. She was using S/2 instead of the usual S/1; it was a letter for me. I felt I should have never let this moment come.

"**2****nd**** November, 2014.**

I have decided to cause the least amount of problems to you – with leaving you, probably forever. Kevin, forgive me for torturing your heart for this long time and please, only think of me and the time you have spent with me like it was a nightmare. I know I can't hear your promise but I leave this diary here for you, please, document it here. I wasn't the most accepting girlfriend on this earth; I'm totally aware of it. I tried my best but I couldn't give you everything I wanted (and you deserved) so I ran away, hopefully for the last time in my life. I wish you will find someone who tolerates not seeing you more than I've done. I just want someone who's always there for me and I doubt you could stand my hysterics for long.

With endlessly flowing love

Beatrix, your personal joybringer"

My tears slowly started to leave my eyes before I could read the post-script and I faced the desk feeling dead inside. Why would she do that? She never told me before it was a problem for her that we didn't meet regularly and that I only slept with her, once she even said it was good because we didn't bound each other doing anything. And I would have also taken a day off if she asked me to; so I couldn't understand anything. Only after ten minutes did I feel strong enough (but still hopeless) to finish her letter.

"Ps.: don't you feel that depressed, I hate crying men so I offer you playing a game: if you find me before the first anniversary of our first meeting I will be yours again." _What kind of weird game do you want to play? You're even stranger than I have thought and experienced. And how can you know me this much?_

I still couldn't understand women. They need your love so they leave you? What's the logic in this? Fuck you, I won't ever understand you; but once someone said that women were for loving, not for understanding them. How wise he was!

And Christmas is less than two months away from us, how will I find her within that short time? I can't waste any more time on crying after her, I must go seek her everywhere! Rapidly I wrote my promise under her lines and called Sebastian and my father to tell them they were the bosses of my jobs until I got home and that they had to skip everything and only work on finding her. Dad said I would probably lose the trust of the director and producers of Jordskott but I didn't care about them in the least, the most important thing was to find her. Sebastian literally laughed at my problem saying now I knew what he had been feeling for months and promised me he would come with me if I wanted. I, of course, told him to work instead and shut the fuck up if he wanted to keep his job.

_Sorry, I can't promise forgetting you ever... because I won't be able to._

_Kevin_

As I couldn't sleep during the whole night I decided to check every place she could go and if she had left any signs or anything that could help me at all. I had never denied being a hopeless lover and the happenings of the night proved it; for example that I got to know there was a big transaction between my bank account and hers (I didn't know how she had made that) and so now she had enough money to travel through whole Europe and live only in luxurious hotels. I was sure she wouldn't go further than that, she was pretty Europe-centric. It helped my job a lot, I didn't have to travel through the whole world and I was thankful for that since I hated flying more than everything else. But I had to find her so I also had to fight against this phobia of mine. Challenge accepted!

I didn't really hope she would be in Sweden or that if she was then I would be able to catch her before she left Stockholm – and from then only God knew where she had gone; but I asked all of her friends I knew just in case if I was wrong. Both of the girls were astonished by the news so I skimped on a flight to Luleå. Now I had only about ten more places on my list where she could have gone; and I thought that first I should go to the most logical place – to the country where everything had begun for her and where she had only been three times since she moved to Sweden.

Finally I couldn't overcome my fear and in the morning I left to the capital and then went to Budapest (with non-flying public transport) as to seek her in Hungary. I took my language book with me and when I got off the last train I tried to use it but finally it turned out that I remembered nothing at all about the pronunciation so finally I bought the tickets I needed in English. Then I got lost in the city because I took the wrong underground and so I ended up somewhere in Buda in a big terminal called "Déli Pályaudvar" or something like that where, as later I got to know trains went in southern direction. I had to take the same metro line back and change to another to reach the bus terminal from where I could visit her grandmother.

On the bus I could successfully fall asleep; it was a slow and shaky journey and as more than three hours later I got off the bus I felt my butt and legs numb – but luckily my luggage was with me so no one tried to steal from me.

– Jesus – I panted as I could feel someone shaking my body. The bus was waiting in the terminal and I was one of the last passengers on it; the driver didn't want to leave me there so he woke me up instead. As I have already expressed he didn't really understand English (like most people in this country; many people spoke either German or nothing, they found it hard to learn English) but I somehow remembered how they said "thank you" when talking about themselves so I babbled "köszönöm" and left. What a luck I had to go until the last stop...

But from then? It was nice and all that I even remembered the name of the town we went together but I couldn't remember either the address of or the way to Granny since we took a cab there and when we were walking in the town I was paying attention on her. Now it was about half past ten in the evening and being Wednesday night there weren't many people on the streets I could ask where to go. _Holy crap,_ _will I give it up when I'm this close to the end? Would I really be this hopeless when I don't have her by my side? Both her and the loss of her took my mind so I wouldn't stop until I found her, no matter what. I don't even care if people get to know I travel alone it's Dad's job to find out something for what I have no strength._

I sat down onto one of the benches and started to think over what I knew about the town: its name and that the Danube flowed nearby; Granny's house was only two streets away from there if I could remember Trixie's words well. But where the Hell was the river... I had no idea at all. I rested my face in my palms for at least ten minutes before I dared get up and go into a direction. I couldn't even guess where the North was because the night sky was cloudy.

– Hey, aren't you Trixie's boyfriend? – I could hear a voice from behind and soon a hand was grasping my shoulder. – Where did you leave her?

– H-hello – I waved embarrassed; I was sure I should recognize him.

– I'm Adam – he looked in my eyes meaningfully and my memory cleaned for a moment. Unluckily his long hair and punk clothes didn't make me remember him perfectly.

– Oh, I can remember – I hit my forehead. – Sorry I haven't been here for a while – I offered him shaking hands and he accepted. – Also I wanted to ask the same, haven't you seen Trix?

– Some days ago she left – he said and waved me to follow him. – But she may have come back. Why? Did something happen?

– I don't know – I replied staring at my feet while I was walking by his side.

– Then come with me to Lehel's house we're having a party, someone might even know something about her; and you also shouldn't stay on the street it's cold and rainy nowadays.

– Originally my plan was to ask her grandmother if she knew anything – I confessed.

– I don't think the old girl knows anything new that we don't, Trixie has spent all her free days with us – he informed me.

– In this case you probably met her more than I did in the last three months – I sighed without any jealousy but a bit of envy. I was missing her so bad.

– After hearing this I doubt it, hard that nothing has happened for that you seek her here...

– ... it's difficult – I mumbled some seconds later and he didn't force me to talk.

When we got there I was introduced to many people again and I couldn't remember any names except from those people I had already met. And some of them tended to forget I spoke very few Hungarian and they started to talk with me. And not in English...

Then I was asked to take a guitar and play something for them but I couldn't remember any other song than the one I was writing in my mind in those three hours when I was getting lost in Budapest. At least it was useful for something...

– Well, this song is very new and I can't guarantee I won't make any mistakes – I apologized and started to play the guitar, tenderly plucking the stripes one by one. – The title is _A White Lie_ – I conferred it and my voice fulfilled the room as I accompanied myself on the guitar.

_Promised to never let me run away,_

_Said – trust me, I will never leave you, Dear;_

_But here we are now – two lonely lovers_

_Who only want to revive that fire._

_That day while lying in the virgin snow_

_I touched your hand that now I'd love to do._

_Amber was shining brightly in the White_

_Not saying Cherry kisses I desire…_

_Now I'm lying under a tree alone_

_And your hand is not here for me anymore._

_I see you in every cloud in the sky -_

_Come back to me or I swear I will die._

_Please, promise me again!_

_Say that you seek me yet_

_And that you'll find me soon._

_Say that you need me too -_

_Say that our love is true._

I finished the song with twanging all the six stripes of the musical instrument in my hands slowly as to make the sound seem six different ones. As I looked up at my audience I could see only amazed faces (and some phone's cameras; I could be sure Dad would have to deal with journalists tomorrow...) and the never-ending clapping only started some endless moments later; but as soon as it started it didn't want to finish ever.

– Wow, that was... wonderful – I could hear French's voice and soon he came to shake hands with me. – I wouldn't have said it was new if you didn't mention.

– Thank you – I tried to smile at him but I didn't feel strong enough.

– One thousand five' – he replied.

– You mean? – I frowned. It must have been some weird habit here...

– Nothing, nothing... – he patted my shoulder. – Where is Trixie?

– Probably not in this country – I answered.

– You can't be sure, Stella is in Budapest for example – Adam joined. – But tell us what the heck is with that little imp; she didn't tell us anything when she was here but we could see she wasn't fine at all, and not because of the exams.

– Well... – I scraped my nape and took the guitar down. – Let's say we didn't have quality time for each other in the last months; and now I don't know where she might be. Like I totally have no idea.

– That sucks, dude – they boxed into my shoulders and gave me pálinka. _No, not any more from the Devil's fruity water!_

As to make the story full I must mention that we left about two in the morning and I was sleeping at Adam's house who called both Stella and Trixie's grandma if they knew anything about her but both places turned out to be Trixie-less. Then I got to know where she was born and I decided to search for her there, maybe someone, her friends she never ever wanted to see again knew something, anything! I couldn't rest on my ass for long; I needed to find her!

The bus that took me there only left at four and as the way to the bus terminal on feet took half an hour from Adam's home (he lived very close to Beatrix's grandmother) I had some free time after having lunch that I decided to spend on having a look at the Danube that I missed out last time I was here. He offered to come with me but I refused it; I wanted to be alone for some time with my thoughts and her memory in my mind.

The wind wasn't blowing but sometimes I could feel a light breeze that moved the leaves on the ground from one point to another; that made me remember that the time didn't stop in this old street where there were no new houses, the only interesting building was an abandoned manufacture and people were nowhere at all. Sometimes I could see some smaller dogs chasing cats but generally nothing broke the silence that surrounded me as I was going closer and closer to the quay she had been talking about back then.

Only when I reached the end of the street could I realize how big the river was, how fast it flowed; it made me wish it would be able to take my pain away and bring her back to me – let her be anywhere on this big planet. I decided to find a tree I could lie under as I did in the song and... I didn't know, I just wanted to enjoy that the sun was shining and I was near Europe's second longest river. Where she had spent all her summers.

After some minutes of wandering I could finally find a tree I liked and was near the riverside so I lay down under it, muted my phone and started to enjoy the cool November's air on my face. I only woke up two hours later and I had to hurry back but as I was running towards Adam's house to pick up my things I noticed a small paper on the trunk of a tree. It was yellow and so it was easily mistaken to be a leaf; but no, it was a slip of paper where I could recognize the ugly letters of the love of my life:

_Even if we're far apart_

_I still feel you in my heart._

_You're The One – Yohio_

These lines brought tears into my eyes. I felt I had to find her the soonest I could.

I couldn't get to the town I went to directly but I had to change lines so I finally left with two little slips of paper; one that was written by her and one that informed me which bus I had to take and until which stop I had to buy the ticket. First I wanted to go there by train but Adam told me that was an "unreliable piece of shit" so finally two buses took me to the right place. I got there only at ten in the evening (again) because I had to wait a whole hour for my second bus. Meanwhile I did the same as on the vehicle: tried to learn this hopelessly beautiful language I couldn't have had the opportunity to learn anywhere else. Then I caught a cab and went to a hotel for a night. Or two, if I wouldn't be able to check the whole town within one day – that, actually seemed to be impossible.

In the morning the first thing I did was to collect information about people she knew here – and being a big town it wasn't as easy as I have first thought. Luckily I could call Adam (who gave me his number in case if I got lost or anything) and ask him for example which school she had gone before, where were her father and brother buried and such things. He told me the name of the school and that she was learning economy there (it made me understand why she said she could learn to be an accountant) and that her old friends might still be there, studying it more seriously instead of going to university. I couldn't really understand the scheme but now it wasn't important but that I would be able to find people those may know something about her – and yet I knew where to search for them.

Although it was November I took on my sunglasses and travelled like that; I didn't want people recognize me if that was avoidable. Luckily the taxi-driver took me there fast (except if that was close to me, then he was damned slow) and after I could explain the janitor (with the help of an English teacher!) what I wanted to do there I was let in and I could look for those two people I knew the name of and I knew they knew my love. Those two she hated the most: Ivor and Tara; her ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend.

It didn't really surprise me that Ivor was a two-meters-tall Ukrainian with long blond hair, based on his name I had imagined him something like that; but Tara, Trix's best friend was something unbelievably revolting; even her look and fake-brand clothes were awful (Chanel, Vuitton, Prada...) but the way she wore her hair and make-up made her even disgusting although I've never thought that a girl who liked rock music could look this horrible... and on the top of all these she wasn't in lack of fat, not in the least. As I sighted them I started to wonder what kind of confidence-problems did she have when she started to make friends with these humanoids who had no taste at all. And they also fooled her, I'm sure during their whole relationship; in other case this muscle-bound being wouldn't had been able to resist temptation and fucked her as many times as he wanted. This thought made me fear her from everything again and also feel extremely jealous of the man who had stolen the flower that was growing for me and only for me, I was so sure about this that I was standing right there.

– What are you looking at, bastard? – he asked in English looking directly into my eyes.

– H-hey, don't you call me that – I said after a moment of astonishment.

– Say what you want and get away I will have a lesson soon.

– I must know if you two have heard anything about Bíró Beatrix lately – I told them and sighed as I finished. Yes, I have asked them!

Some other people who tried to seem uninterested in the topic suddenly raised their faces as her name left my mouth and also they two looked at me surprised; I was sure all of them knew what had happened to her after moving abroad.

– I've heard she is now a bitch of some Norwegian actor or something... – Tara mumbled as she painted her mouth holding a small mirror in her hand.

– Hh – I sighed before I felt I was able to talk with them again. – Yohio is a Swedish singer and she is his girlfriend, officially since the Eurovision Song Contest, actually since they have moved to the Scandinavian Peninsula.

– Jesus, what are you, an avid Trix-fan that you know everything about her? – the blond gorilla snapped and stepped closer to me showing he was at least twenty centimeters taller. I felt a bit scared but I didn't want to show him, I was a man after all. Or something similar.

– I could ask the same, you've broken up one and a half years ago why are you interested in her? But you haven't even replied my question – I turned back to the official topic. – Have you _recently_ heard anything about her?

– Nothing since this stupid book that's in Swe... – Tara began but Ivor showed her to shut up.

– Why are you interested in? – he asked instead of giving appropriate answer.

– That's none of your business – I said pompously and took off my sunglasses for a short while as to take it back more comfortably (but the real cause was to show them who I actually was) and left. No one ran after me like it was done in the films when the desperate lover tried to find his girl so I could be sure she wasn't here – and it had to mean she wasn't even in the country, especially because later Dad called me and told me there was something about Venice in the news and he could catch her face for some seconds. Another place I had to travel to, great! I was sure she wanted to kill me with this, she knew I hated travelling and she tried to torture me before she killed me with turning me down as I ran out of time but now she was defeated with her whole plan at all! _I will find you and never again let you run away from me; I saw the trace your teardrops had left on the paper!_

The last place I aimed before going back to the hotel as to check out from there was the cemetery where Danny and their father were buried. I felt I had to thank them they took care of her for a long time and ask them to keep on doing this, not very thankful, act when I can't be there for her.

I could find a small letter on their grave with a dozen words: "Hurry here and save me, Othello, and I will be your Desdemona." On this spot I couldn't stand it more and sat down onto the cold ground holding my face with my palms. I couldn't believe it. _She had been here and left me a message. She must be playing an insane game with me but I don't care because I know I cannot live without her – that also she knows; in other case she wouldn't be doing this. She wouldn't leave me messages in different places of Europe if she didn't want me to find her! Tell me she wouldn't! But I have to be fast or she will go away leaving another message that tears me apart from her again. Why?_

There were no buses to Venice on that day so I had to wait until the next one as to travel for about fifteen hours, or even more. For the first time in my life I felt a bit (okay, extremely) inert and I would have given any of my legs for a car with a personal chauffeur.

I spent the night in Budapest because I wanted to catch the first bus leaving at five in the morning and the way there from the town I had been was three hours again, public transport was damned slow here. Sure we had to count with the fact that I was about 200 km-s away from the capital... and as I got off the bus I got into a taxi, went to a hotel and fell asleep on the bed immediately not even thinking about what Trixie might do or feel now, alone in Venice... I left these thoughts for the bus and during those sixteen (!) hours I spent on it nothing else was in my mind than her face and that I had to win against her as to get her. _She was a true tomboy-princess..._

With passing the first border I got into the Euro-zone so finally I could tell whether something was expensive or cheap simply by glancing at the price and I didn't have to divide everything by thirty as to get the Swedish prices. My credit card could be used everywhere that wasn't a problem but I liked to know what things were worth. Like I knew she was worth everything I had to pay or do for her...

Getting to Venice wasn't as easy as I had thought and I had to take a ship to get into the heart of the city where I was said to had met her. I was sure she would be on that _piazza_ or at least had her message somewhere nearby. But it was late in the evening when I got there so I found a hotel and decided to look for her on the next day. Normally I would go there in the night but I was both tired and afraid she wouldn't be there and I wanted to skip the moment of disappointment by some hours.

In the morning I started to look for her, first I went to the Rialto and then closed my eyes for a short second just as to be able to use her head and figure out where to go. _Where might that café be where "Lonely-Yohi" and "Angie-Trixie" have had their first date?_ Opening my eyes I gazed around and let my legs take me from one small street to another until I could find a square with a small fountain in the middle and a café on my right. _So it really existed..._

It not just existed but their café was heavenly as well so I ordered even three in a row because I felt I needed to take in some caffeine before I could think again. I was sitting in the darkest corner from where I could see that there was a big blackboard on the wall in front of me where customers could write their short messages. Going closer I noticed one that was written with blue and in English: "Paris is the one whom you will marry." These were definitely her letters. _But what would they mean? Is she gone and I should go to Paris? Or Verona where Romeo and Juliet lived?_

– Excuse me – I asked a waitress. – How often do you clean this board?

– As soon as it fills, last time was yesterday. Perché? – she finished in Italian.

– And don't you remember the girl who has written this?

– Yes, she told me she would "leave this for someone precious to make him go to the place where it gets sense." Isn't it a bit insane? If you love each other just say it.

– Where did she go? – I asked hungrily for information.

– I don't know; she didn't tell me everything – she shrugged and as soon as I drank my last coffee I ran out of the shop back to the hotel and checked how I would get to Verona the easiest. I thought I could see the relationship between the things she wrote and the places she went. First of course she visited people she loved (or used to love) and then Shakespeare came. Shakespeare and his tragedies, not literally but she wrote me something his characters could say; Desdemona wanted Othello to save her – first of all from her virginity – and Julia was told she was going to marry Paris soon. Both from Shakespeare, both in Italy... would she stay there and then I suddenly sight a slice of paper under Julia's balcony quoting from Dante and so I would have to go to Napoli? Or somewhere else? What's the logic in it?

I took the train to Verona at six and less than two hours later I was in a new hotel from where I hurried to the Balcony and waited for her until ten in the evening. On the next day I went there early in the morning and only left at ten; I was playing this game for three days but as she was nowhere I started to realize I was wrong when I came here and that she might not even be at Paris yet; but I couldn't find her without finding her sign somewhere on the street or in a building so I knew I had to go back there and subvert all the places we had been to in those three days anno in the summer.

I spent a whole day on traveling to the French capital where I knew nothing but a message was waiting for me – but where? I tried to evoke what we had done here and where but it turned out harder than I had first thought. And even her diary was deep in my luggage so I could only check it in the hotel – the same as we had been then, in the same room. Of course there was nothing here in the room so I decided to start the mission as soon as I woke up next morning.

I woke up pretty early and gazing around all the memories we had collected here got into my mind making me leave some teardrops on the pillow. I was lying in the bed where I had lost my virginity with the one I was looking for right now. Her hair, her eyes, the way she walked and the touch of her skin... I wanted to forget all these but the more I tried to erase them from my mind the more they burned into it and soon I noticed that the voice of silent cry filled the empty room. There was no escape from this diabolical circle, the more I wanted to forget her the more I thought of her and finally I always broke down. If I didn't deal with her I felt like I couldn't breathe without making efforts. Will it be like this forever or just until the last grit runs down in the sand-glass of my life?

An hour later I felt strong enough to get up and walk along the streets we had been together in our summer vacation. All of the churches and other sights were dead ends and so were the restaurants. I even found the place where she stumbled and fell into my arms (that she forgot to mention in her diary but I could remember clearly) but no message, sign or anything although I was looking for it like I had never sought for anything. If I happened to lose something I could easily replace it with another similar one but talking about a person I felt it being impossible.

Next day I went to the art-quarter and as there was nothing even there I aimed the club we had been, even got in but nothing was there, nor on the streets nearby so as I got home despair took the control over me and I felt everything was hopeless, that I wouldn't find her ever and I would die sixty years from now without seeing her once again. The worst was that I knew also she loved me and wanted me to find her, in other case she wouldn't leave me messages all over Europe but wrote into her diary she hated me and all the time we spent together was one big lie because she couldn't do anything else, she was coward to leave. If she wrote these I might accepted, not believed but accepted her choice and did my best to forget even about her existence but she didn't do so and so I had to get her back.

_I cannot waste my time, she might be far from me but she will never be able to cut the red thread between us and until that exists I will feel her like she was near me. But time runs, more than a whole week has passed, I've been looking for you in two countries and I have five more weeks. I feel I will find you soon!_

I have five more weeks, eh? If only it worked like that! In the morning I got a call from Dad to get my ass back to Sweden as soon as I could because the producers and the director were raging asking where the Hell I'd gone and saying that if I didn't turn up within a day I would surely not get, not only salary but even any jobs connected to the filming industry ever. And I also couldn't let poor Happy stay in fix and restart the whole series, or at least those parts where she acted with me. I didn't really give a fuck about the others but she was my friend.

The last place that got into my mind after talking with Dad was the shoe-shop where she got her heels. I didn't know why I felt I had to go there but it was the most successful step I took since I left Venice: on the back of one of the pillars there was her new _instruction_, probably for weeks:

_To the end of the world_

_To a place where the stars don't shine_

_To The End – Yohio_

Where does she think the end of the world is? And why wouldn't the stars shine there? To be honest I've never thought about it but now I will have time for that since I must go home and work before I can go to the next stop of the drive. I have to ask the guys' opinions about it at KEIOS as well...

_Beatrix, please, try to understand me and stay where you've gone as to let me have time to find you! If you keep running I will never catch up with you!_

I was set free a month later; that time was four weeks of Hell for me the only thing that kept my soul inside my chest was that I knew it would end and that Happy tried her best to deflect my attention whenever she could see me getting drown in depression and she even told her boy not to come visit her if there were any way for that and so I saw _happy_ pairs less usually – and it helped me a lot.

Meanwhile Sebastian had moved to the flat that was above ours and so he could take care of Luna and as soon as I got home he visited me because, as he said, _it was better for both of us not staying alone when we were this close to each other_ and so we spent our nights talking and thinking of where _the end of the world_ might be but as we found no solution, I also asked Happy's opinion about it on the last day.

– Why the shoe-shop? – she asked back after having heard the story.

– I don't know, for some reason she found it important; I've bought a pair of heels for her there.

– You've bought shoes for her? – she gazed at me astonished.

– Why wouldn't have I? She not just needed but loved them and I was in a gifting mood.

– Haven't you ever heard the saying? _Never buy shoes for a woman because she will run away from you in them._

– O, how I hate coincidences! – I hit my thighs strong. – But what could _the end of the world_ mean in this case?

– The end of the world differs from person to person, if you know what her world is then you will know where the end of it is. For example the end of my world is a time, I hate darkness and so my world periodically gets born and dies every day. What is hers?

– Europe – I said hitting my forehead. – Is there any part of Europe where_ the stars don't shine_? I must know! – I grabbed at her shoulders making her surprised a bit but I released her as soon as I realized what I was doing. – Sorry.

– Never mind – she shrugged.

– But where aren't the stars shining? – I asked wondering.

– London when it rains – she chuckled and I looked at her widened eyes in that very moment when she looked at mines. – You must travel to London – she said pointing at me while I said _I must travel to London_ and pointed at her.

– Thank you, Happy, you've saved my life – I babbled jumping up from my seat and hugged her, then ran to my father who happened to be there because he wanted to tell me something or whatever. – Dad, I must travel to London the soonest possible!

– Wait, wait, wait, I was going to tell you you had to work on Oskar's second song and now you run here yelling you must go to the British capital. What has just happened? Happy? – he asked by pointing at her with his head.

– Oh, no, she just helped me with finding Trixie and now it seems I know where to search for her – and that is London – I summarized.

– Son, you know I love her but are you really sure she wants you to find her? In that case she would have stayed at one of the stations and didn't just leave you a message to spend your money on unimportant things.

– No, Dad, they weren't unimportant at all! All of them were important places in her life, first I got to the place she took her time in the summer holidays, then to the place she grew up, then "where we met" – I showed the quotation marks –, and where I sealed the loss of her by buying her shoes. Now for some yet unclear reason I have to go to London and I may find her soon! Dad, let me do this for one more week then I swear I won't talk about her ever if I don't find her. Just let me do it!

– One week, not more either with a single day. You must be at my house at last at midnight on the twenty-second of December with or without her. Now come the car is waiting for us.

I still hated flying more than anything else but as I felt victory being mine I only slept on the plane not because I wanted to keep myself awake but because I _couldn't_ sleep during the night I was so happy I knew where to go and with childish enthusiasm I was jumping around Sebbie telling him we might spend the Christmas-holiday together.

On the next morning the first plane took me to Stockholm, from then I flew to London and started checking every single place she could have gone. I didn't even feel bad when my mission didn't succeed on the first day but as I had to spend three days in London as to find her sign (near the Globe) that now was a red slip of paper with only a name: Anne Hathaway. Shakespeare, damned Shakespeare again! How can someone be mad about him this much? Never mind, now at least she told me directly where I had to search for her and didn't want me to strain my mind. Anne Hathaway was Shakespeare's wife whom he left at Stratford-Upon-Avon when he went to London to make his dream become true. And she was waiting for me there, I was sure.

Next day at about lunchtime I got there and first of all reminded myself I had to eat something if I didn't want to show her I got rid of five kilograms since she was away. In the first pub I found there was a parrot named (guess, what!) Shakespeare and he could speak. He welcomed everyone who came in and also said farewell to them – but only when they said it in English. He made me smile after a while and when I wanted to leave, just for fun I asked him if he knew anything about Trixie.

– Hello, little bird, I'm Yohio, don't you... – I started.

– Yohio, Helsingør, three-zero-seven – he sang and the owner looked at me surprised.

– Ah, don't even deal with him, a young foreigner lady taught him it who left yesterday.

– Pardon, would you please repeat it? – I turned to him curiously.

– She was here for six weeks and they left, with her friend who arrived later, yesterday. She always sat here when she had nothing better to do and taught Shakespeare these three words. I couldn't understand why, all the three of them sounded foreigner words... Wait, what was her name... Jessie or Tessie... something like that...

– Trixie!

– That was it, but how... – he began but I ran out of the building shouting happily, overloaded with joy that she _really_ wanted me to find her! I caught the first bus back to London and flew to Copenhagen as soon as I could. Then I had only two more days to get home and I was so close to her that I felt I couldn't lose this war. I had two whole days and a half to get home so I couldn't fail! _Beware, Helsingør, beware, Beatrix, I'm coming!_

Without having a particular plan I started wandering on the streets of Helsingør nearly right after getting up; I wanted to get to know the place where she ended up. May it be because of Hamlet that she chose this town? Surely, that was her favorite drama of all.

_And what might that three-zero-seven be? The address of the house? Or the number of the flat? Or what?_

After taking a walk on the seaside and sitting on a bench in the Meulenborg Park I decided to check all the houses where there could be a flat numbered 307 – there weren't much, only about 150 307-s in the town, as I heard from a passenger. Awesome! It will take both my days to check them.

The town was pretty safe, especially early in the morning, _most people must be sleeping yet_, I thought. It was seven a.m. and the shops only opened at nine; people living in the town had time to get up and get to their workplace, school. I personally was awake for two hours.

I decided to check the first half of the town, in most places they were helpful but didn't know any foreigner girls named Beatrix or Trixie and so they couldn't help me finally. This took my whole day and when I got home it turned out that I could only check 51 places instead of the planned 60 and so I had to hurry up and, maybe ask Sebbie to come and help. Yeah, sure...

– Hey dude, wassup, did you succeed? – he answered the phone.

– No, not yet, listen, could you fly here to Helsingør tomorrow?

– Ah, I will probably suffer from hangover I'm on a concert; will you kick my ass out from the company if I say _no_?

– Surely – I replied sincerely.

– How beautiful thing _friendship_ is... Okay I'm pulling my guts home now, see you tomorrow – he finished and hung up. Great, two people can do more work than one.

He arrived at ten in the morning and after outlining the situation we subdivided the remaining buildings into two pieces and both of us went to do our business. Unfortunately none of us succeeded until eight and later we didn't have insolence to bother people. I had less than thirty hours to get home and probably forget about her forever since we simply couldn't check all the 47 flats and those 38 where no one reacted within this short time; and although the word _impossible_ was said to mean _I'm possible_ we didn't feel it like. I had to take the train leaving at 16:32 to get to Dad in time and if her hiding-place wasn't discovered until then then I could on the outside fuck with cactus to heal the pain in my chest.

On the last day both of us woke up a bit hopeless, we knew it was a now or never, even if we finished with those 47 ones, unsuccessfully, we had to select from the remainder randomly and learn to pray well.

– Ready? – I looked at him with empty eyes; and I could see my gaze's reflection in his eyes.

– Listen, I will call you immediately if I happen to find her so don't you worry, we will make it through – he tried to strengthen me but also he knew how useless his words were. Without her I felt I was nothing, I didn't even want to sing, compose or simply play music.

– Sure, thank you – I patted his shoulders and we divided.

It took five hours to check all places and so we met and discussed what to do now. We obviously finished later than we have thought and while eating junk food (we didn't have time for real food just for fast food) we agreed who went where.

At quarter to four p.m. he hadn't called me yet and I felt everything becoming blurry around me as the snow slowly started to fall down. There was nothing around me that could ease my heart as I was walking towards the last flat we had missed yesterday. One side of me told me to give up because she wouldn't even be here while the other one wanted to keep fighting until the end, and more. I hated both of them I just wanted to get relieved.

The building I was standing in front of was old and made of red bricks. I didn't remember this one, probably Sebastian had been here yesterday but I didn't feel she would be here or that I would get any help – also I didn't have any time to go to another place and if Seb didn't find her soon, until I got there that would mean I lost her forever.

There was no bell I could ring downstairs but I could go into the building easily and ring on the door of the flats. It wasn't very safe but if it was okay for the occupants...

I looked at my watch; I had not more than ten minutes to spend here if I dint want to run to the train that would take us to Copenhagen and there catch our flight to Stockholm. For some short time I was just standing in front of the flat but after a big sigh I dared to push the button that made the bell ring. Then I was just waiting for some moments those felt like hundreds of years for me.

– I'm goin' – I could hear a male voice shouting in Danish then some steps coming closer.

– I hope you're finally here or I will commit sui... – ..._cide_, I wanted to finish my whisper but the door opened and a twenty-year-old man was looking at me wearing jeans and a simple tee although it was far below zero outside.

– Yeah? – he asked while he didn't stop chewing his gum.

– I... I've c-come to... to... – I stuttered in Swedish.

– Trixie, I think the gentleman in the door has come to you – he yelled turning backwards and as I glanced inside I saw the face I couldn't erase from my mind; shivering in her leggings and long sweater in the rocker.

– Okay, Dieter, thanks, I'm goi... – She stopped as she realized it was me waiting for her. Waiting for her to... to see her? Kiss her? Hold her in my arms? Tell me she was also waiting for me to find her? I'd vote for the last one.

– Hello, can I come in? – I waved embarrassed.

– So you found me... – she mumbled and nodded as she raised her gaze at me. – How?

– A little bird called Shakespeare sang it to me – I went closer to her smiling.

– Listen, I don't know what he wants from you with this insane face but I can dispose him if you want me to – I could hear Dieter's voice speaking from behind me.

– Leave him he is Yohio – my precious told her.

– So your famous ex-boyfriend?

– Uhm, yeah – she said when I only had to take one step to reach her, embrace her and never ever let her go again.

– Be mine – I whispered to her lowly with begging voice. Sure this wasn't what I had planned to tell her but these were my real feelings that she had to know.

– Okay I've also planned to go out, I'll pick up Greta soon, bye – Dieter told Trixie and we could hear the keys turning in the lock of the entrance.

– I can't – she replied with such gloom in her eyes that I have never seen before.

– Why couldn't you? – I asked her and tried to hug her but I pulled my arms back when I saw she didn't want me to do this. – Because of him?

– I would only ruin your life if I went back. Now both of us are happy with what we have and so you should go home. You've just won this stupid game.

– No, I won't go anywhere without you! I won't take a single step until you promise me you will never run away from me again! – I tried to reach for her, catch her and shake her as to put her consciousness right but she took a step backwards and so she was again like she used to be in the last months: only one step away from me so I could see her perfectly but I couldn't reach her.

– Don't you even try to! Listen to me for the last time, please, and forget me! – she begged with teardrops in her eyes. I didn't want to see her crying but I had also stupidly told her I wouldn't leave my place until she came with me so I couldn't move now. I congratulated to myself silently that I was such an idiot.

– Please – I asked her and tried to at least hold her hand.

– No, don't touch me I don't want you to be close to me! I simply don't want to have you near me how can't you understand? – she cried and flopped onto the carpet.

– Don't tell me you don't want to when I can see that you wish for nothing else this avidly! – I yelled and wanted to run to her but my legs didn't move.

– Look at me I'm an emotional wreck! Who do you think have done this to me? Why couldn't I just live my peaceful life in Sweden? Shall I tell you? – she looked up at me and her eyes were begging for comfort.

– Say it – I replied lowly with my eyes closed but I wanted to shout, like for real. – Say it was all my mistake, lie into my eyes and I will leave you forever! Only you can tame the beast living deep inside my soul and without you it will rage and destroy everything!

– Shut up you bastard – I heard her shaking voice and soon felt her pushing her face against my chest. For a short while I was hesitating whether to embrace her or not but I decided I wanted her being in my arms more than letting her will become true: I wanted to be selfish. Once I nearly let her go and I didn't want to make the same mistake again now that she was here.

– I'm sorry that all those have happened to you and if you come back to me I promise I will protect you from everything – I whispered caressing her hair.

– But can you protect me from myself and all my emotional switchbacks? – she sipped her tears.

– I said I will protect you – I raised her chin. – Have I ever lied to you?

– Actually... – she hesitated for a short while before continuing. – When you told me a part of the story of your life about a year ago you said there wouldn't be anything between us – she smiled up at me and I had a strong urge to kiss this sweet thing I was holding in my arms.

– I love you – I said and a teardrop left my right eye as my head began nearing hers and I saw her closing her beautiful eyes letting me do whatever I wanted to do to her. My hands started to move along her spine and I pulled her closer to me. It was so damned good to have her this close to me, yet I knew I would never let her go. – But have you recently put on some weight? – I asked when I could feel her belly being bigger than usually.

– Well, not really – she drew further from me but I could still hold her hand. – I'm pregnant.

– What? – I asked astonished. – From whom?!

– You can guess twice – she replied with her _this behavior of yours can really drive me insane!_-voice.

– Are you sure? – I asked back again; I couldn't believe this wasn't just a dream. Not only I found the love of my life but will we also have a child? No, this can't be true!

– No, I'm not sure, I wasn't there, remember? – she asked once more but grin froze on her face. – And this is why I can't go back to you.

– Why couldn't you come? – I questioned with widened eyes. – My money and love is enough for two people as well. Seriously.

– I can live without you being with me all the time but our son needs a father who spends all his spare time on being with him and not on new businesses – she said and released my hand. – I don't want to raise such a spoilt and damaged-spirited man like...

– Like I had been before I met you – I finished her sentence and took her hand that I kissed. – Give me the opportunity to at least try to be the best Daddy in the World. Please, marry me and finish this nor-with-neither-without-you-relationship forever. My Princess, Piglet – I chuckled and began crooning a tender tune, dancing waltz with her in the middle of the small living room. Calling Sebastian and catching the train could wait.


	14. 10 - Tender Time

Chapter Ten: Tender Time

**23****rd**** December, 2014.**

New diary, new life, is it right, Mrs Rehn? If someone dares call me like that I swear I'm gonna kill that brave idiot. Getting married doesn't have to mean the end of your youth, even if Yohio's fanatics think it differently. He had been mine since I signed that exact paper and no other paper can worsen it.

– So you want to marry my daughter... – Tommy said as he kept on walking in front of Kevin backwards and forwards. – Hm, I'm not sure you would be the best for her. Do you swear you will take care of her and never make her cry? Do you accept that let you hurt her in any way I will hurt you in the same way?

– Oh, of course I swear and accept your terms – he grinned and took me by waist.

– Well, I can't even do anything else than giving her to you since you have made her pregnant... – he patted his son's shoulder. – And now let the manager speak from me: having sex without protection was the most irresponsible thing you could do ever; you could have ruined many people's lives if you didn't find her. And also Trixie, you should have at least told someone about it, for example Yohio and he would had surely tried to work less and help you; that wouldn't have meant he quitted his job or anything. It's true that it's normal for Swedish men to stay at home with their children if the mother wants to work but if you decide vice versa then also that's okay, no one will judge you for it.

– I know but I also know him and that he would quit all his jobs if he could just to be able to be with us – I chuckled and boxed into Kevin's shoulder.

– But – my future father-in-law raised his hand as to speak. – Now you will be in the media for a while again... This imp helps us stay in spotlight, keep her – he finished and hugged both of us. – I'm so happy about you, children...

His chin rested on Kevin's shoulder and I was sure he just didn't want to show me he was nearly crying from being touched.

– Now go home and catch up with everything you've missed out in the last some months, you have a little bit more than a week, Yohio has to work until March and we also have to hold your wedding... your belly won't be smaller at all – he winked finally.

– Ah, well, I don't really want to have a big wedding and all if that's okay – I dared to tell them shooting my eyes down.

– At least we can keep the media away from you... – Tommy sighed. – But of course we will accidentally let the magazine that pays the most in, what do you think?

– If they won't ask anything just make notes I don't mind – Kevin shrugged and kissed me; then, as it was yet eleven in the evening when we got there, we went home and first time for a long while we slept together.

**24****th**** December, 2014.**

As soon as he woke up I had to tell him everything, that I left the quote in the first town yet before coming home, that I wanted to visit the graves of Danny and Dad before travelling through Europe, that in Venice I met Dieter, who also planned to travel in Europe, and with whom we had been friends for years (and only friends, he was homo as my precious used to think he himself was, I guess he was more like bisexual or whatever; the Dieter-topic was the first that I had to clear with him) but it was the first time we bumped into each other, that he advised to stay at one place if I wanted the best for the baby, and that I was waiting for him completing the mission in Stratford-Upon-Avon, teaching Shakespeare, then moved to his flat in Helsingør where I had always wanted to go; and finally waited for Kevin although I felt being a coward to meet him and look into his eyes again.

– But why were you a coward? You should have learned that I would never hurt you – he embraced me sitting in the bed speaking syrupy that, first time in my life, felt good.

– Except when you use your murderously low voice – I turned to him and kissed his lips.

– What, I don't even have such a thing – he kissed back and then rested his chin on my shoulder. – But I'm very glad and happy and all that you've come back.

– So am I, and Sören as well...

– Ah, you've arbitrarily chosen the name? He's not only yours... – he grinned.

– Well, yet he is – I winked and caressed my belly. – But if you want you can stay at home with him until I hopelessly try to find a job...

– Would you like to?

– No – I laughed and lay back. – But you can if you want me to try to sell my body on the corner!

– No one will get you you're mine – he kissed me and started caressing my belly. – How do you know it will be a boy?

– Well – I began. – I didn't dare going to a doc here but... when I was in the town I was born I went to the hospital because I have known the doctor there and there it turned out. When first she saw me she confessed she got a bit scared but I told her that no matter what, I would keep the baby; then as she asked what his name would be and I told her the name Sören she widened her eyes – I chuckled; I could still remember her face clearly, she knew that I didn't keep the first foetus only because I was just seventeen then and because my boy would had thrown me out after hearing this kind of news but that I would had named him, if it was a boy, Attila, so this big change was a bit much for her. – But actually I have been thinking of this since I was sure about my state...

– Tell me everything, I am interested in what you've wanted – he asked.

– First I wanted to name him Jonathan or Theo, because of its meaning, God's present, but then I heard that the popular name was Romeo nowadays and as I loved Shakespeare I thought of it too. Then I thought I should name him more... personally so I thought of the name Jade, because... because of your beautiful green eyes – I chuckled – but I didn't like the name itself. And then the divine spark came and BOOM! I remembered that you once told me you liked the name Sören so I thought I should name him that. Dieter offered to accept him as he was his own, so this little imp was going to be Søren Sørensen. But you came and ruined this beautiful plan – I laughed and kissed him again; I felt couldn't get enough from his kisses.

– What's the problem, don't you like the name Sören Rehn? – he asked with played huff.

– Mmh, Søren Sørensen sounded better – I pulled his leg and got out of bed. – I'm hungry...

– Yeah, really, let's go – he followed me to the kitchen.

_Knock-knock-knock..._

– Sebbie! – I shouted and ran to the door to open it for my dear _elder brother_.

– Hi girls, I mean, girls and baby-boy in belly, could I join your lunch today? – he grinned and stepped in like he still lived with us.

– Oh, would it be lunch-time? I haven't looked at the clock yet... – I apologized for not having anything ready.

– No it isn't, I thought I would hel...p, if you... let... me – he stuttered. – But I have brought some things! – he raised two bags, both full of fresh food.

– Great, then as I can see we will have some fish soup, if _someone_ – I looked meaningfully at the boys – gets me some freshwater-fishes, but if you buy alive ones you will be the ones who kill them. Fast, fast, original Hungarian Christmas-dishes don't make themselves and you guys don't know how to make them!

– Yohio goes I haven't chatted with you for long – Seb said immediately and so the love of my life got dressed, took on his sunglasses and left for doing some shopping.

– Now come, help me, I need... – I started listing the ingredients.

– Have you ever made it?

– Never, to be honest, never, because it is originally made outside and all such food had to be made by men in my family – I smiled thinking back to those times. – But I always helped them, like I brought salt and paprika there so I was usually there but didn't make it, no.

– Then shall I go get some semi-cooked...?

– Shut up and help me chopping the onions instead – I hit his head lightly.

– What are you doing? – Seb asked me some minutes later. – You know the song: Big Girls Don't Cry; Pink!

– So you say only you have the right to have tears now? – I asked eye-widened. – In this case also you know the song: Dead Boys Don't Cry; Powerwolf!

– Ah, this sentence hit me in the deepest of my little heart... – he played getting hurt.

– Beware, I have a knife with me and I'm not afraid to use!

– I hoped you would say "not aware of how to use"! – he joked.

– Get fucked – I laughed and looked at the fruit of his job. – Well, as I can see we're ready with this, now... ah, thanks, Darling – I kissed Kev who had just stepped into the kitchen that very moment when I turned there.

– Hope it won't be some red saucy stuff or I will... no, that powder again! – he pointed at the sachet on the counter. – I put on five kilos in those months when we ate this! – he raised it and pushed into the face of his best friend. – I don't know what it contains but you want to eat more and more of it!

– That is simply made of sweet red pepper – I took it back from him and put it down. – And it is needed in most Hungarian food I like.

– Learn Swedish and Japanese meals, please... – he begged. – I don't want to get fat.

– Mh, do you want poor Sören not to know what her mother was living on? You're mean.

– Really, you eat instead of two! – Sebastian dug me.

– And she's even pregnant... – Kevin continued.

– I can still say _no_ to you and marry Sebbie! – I neared the other man and rubbed myself against his body.

– Get away from me, kitten, my hetero common-law will find out we have a relationship behind his back! – he whispered loudly.

– Then he would join you every single night – Kevin came to us and started caressing Seb's face smiling angelically at him.

– Now fucking get your asses out of the kitchen! – I threatened the laughing boys with the wooden spoon and so they ran out of there but I could slightly hear they were making jokes of my cooking-knowledge. I just shook my head smiling, I couldn't work properly when they made me laugh but I didn't mind them kidding with something that also they knew wasn't true.

– Trixie, don't you have some honey somewhere? – Kev asked when he finished making their tea.

– Nope – I shrugged, I usually drank tea without flavouring it.

– And...

– Tell me from where I shall bear honey for you and I swear I will – I turned to him; it made me a bit grumpy that they searched everything on me like I was their mother.

– I don't know I just thought...

– You know where the shop is – I said in a manner that usually finished conversations that he luckily understood and so he left. _Jeez, what will be here when I have three children with me, and two are even too big to teach them to behave! Sören, you're my only hope to make Daddy and Sebbie just a bit more serious..._

As soon as he got back the soup was ready; they looked at me a bit strange when I told them there was no second dish I made but after finishing with the second plate yet they knew why.

– Will I be the belly-occupant's godfather, huh? – Seb suggested from his seat.

– I don't really believe it's necessary – I began – but if you wish to then I don't mind, go travel to Napoli and join the mafia!

– Haha, and what about being your best man on your wedding? – he turned to Kevin.

– Nah, isn't it too much from good? – he laughed when he saw the older man's face.

– It's never enough from good. So? When do I have to make a stag-party?

– Eh, you and parties all the time – my boy shook his head fatherly. – I finish with Jordskott in March and Sören will be born in the middle of April so... between these two I guess? – he looked at me not totally sure he was right.

– Both dates are right but as your father has announced my belly won't get any smaller.

– In this case I can have one free afternoon next January for the formal part of it...

– And as I can stand again we can have the bigger part of it saying we have already had the paper for some time, no one has to know for how long – I nodded understanding his plan.

– So I will need you in January – he turned to his friend who got bored of his life while we figured out what we should do.

– Great, really, but then we won't have a party... it's an only chance, are you sure?

– Yes, I will be a father soon so I have to get a bit more serious, or at least something like that – he smiled and got up. – Ah, it was so good to sit but I got thirsty, anyone anything?

– No, thanks, I was invited to both my parents and Eve and I don't want to disappoint anyone so I must go now – Sebastian said and got up too. – Well, probably see you soon, and Trixie, don't you dare drink anything alcoholic – he hugged me and left.

– Hot tea? – Kev came back and gave me a mug of steaming liquid.

– Thanks – I leaned back again and watched as he took his place near me.

– You know, as I have thought about it... don't you find us young to have an own family?

– Well, we aren't old at all but no, I don't – I said daring try the tea. – Ugh, it's hot!

– What have you expected? – he laughed and took it out of my hand as to put it down onto the table. – Not like I didn't want it but... to be honest I'm a bit afraid.

– You shouldn't – I rubbed my head to his neck. – We're young, yeah, but it means that we have energy... and also your father was about 20 when you were born, he must have been afraid of it as well, not knowing what to do with a child... but you're here with me now so it can't be one of the most impossible things. And... you know... also I'm afraid as Hell about my, not really my but his future although I know we won't have problems with money... more that... I'm not sure I will be a good mother.

– You must be kidding now – he turned to me and kissed my head. – If you think you need some practice then Emily will surely help you – he let out a small laughter.

– We have known each other for three-hundred-sixty-seven days – I said about ten minutes later as to let my thoughts fly in the intimate silence between us.

– Yes, and I think I have been in love with you for three-hundred-sixty-five days – he added.

– You know, after thinking over what we have already gone through and that all these have made us who we are now I must say that... – I sighed. – I do regret nothing, nothing at all.

**_FIN~_**


End file.
